To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

[CurtainWitcher]

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

I would explain to her that what she did was wrong. If she did that at school she would be in a lot of trouble.

It sounds like neither of you respect one another to be honest.

This ‘Singing is her favourite past-time, btw. I had to push her to join the school choir, which she was adamant she would hate. However, she absolutely loves it and was sad when it was covid-cancelled.’

Doesn’t mean you’re alright right. Or give you any right to push her into things again.

Just because you’ve pushed her into something before and she’s enjoyed it, doesn’t mean she will always enjoy it. I’ve been the child here and it’s awful, you’re actually just creating more problems than you’re solving.

She is at school 30 hours a week, normal to want mum time and one on one time. Your view of spending time with your daughter does sound a bit off to me too. I often have to be a playmate and it brings so much joy to them (less so me in terms of play but their joy is my joy). We learn from our parents not just our peers.

I agree with pp. The actual issue here is you not listening to your daughter and forcing her into these activities.

She’s telling you no; you need to respect that. It doesn’t matter if she would enjoy it after - she said no.

I've asked it before but - do you not like her as a person, OP?

I won't slate you if that's the case. Kids don't always pop out the womb being carbon copies of their parents ( fortunately and unfortunately ) but if you don't like her much then there are additional steps to take to try and sort out the relationship. Do you struggle to empathise with her?

Why is it so important to you that she gets social time with people her own age and makes friends?

This seems to be your priority and doesn’t sound like what she wants at all.
You seem to be focusing on your wants rather than hers.

@Leaannb are you serious? A parent teaching their child that if they have comitted to an activity then they have to learn to be responsible and see it through is not the same thing as an abusive partner forcing their OH to do something against their will! Parents have authority over their children, that isn't a sinister thing it's a practical neccessity for raising them.

OP please ignore these comments. I was very similar to your dd when I was her age and was always begging my mum to let me sign up for extracuricculars and then backing out. She always (very nicely) reminded me that I had made a commitment, that people were counting on me and that if I still wanted to quit after the term she had paid for ended then I was free to do so. It taught me how to take responsibility for my own actions and really helped me with discipline when it came to revising. And I had clinical anxiety as a child, for what it's worth, this was still an important lesson for me.

Just out of interest, would this 'if she says no, don't push it' idea be extended to healthy food choices?

I often see posts from people asking how they should encourage their children to eat healthily. Does the same advice apply?

I don't have this issue, but I'm trying to gain context on the advice here.

@CurtainWitcher

Lizadork "That you get what you give". Yes, especially in society.

You don't bother with other children, well then don't moan when they don't bother with you.

You don't go ahead with your commitments, then don't moan when you're not invited again.

You don't participate, then don't moan that you're bored.

She sounds incredibly socially anxious. Do you speak about her so negatively to her face? You haven’t said anything nice about her in this entire thread.

Very very distinct impression that you do not like your daughter.

You are at the beginning of a long journey in to teens OP. You need to address this, and pronto

Secret recording and filming is totally unacceptable. She's very young so it's nothing to worry about, just make it clear she mustn't do it.

I used to have an ex-boyfriend who filmed and recorded me and other people without permission. Once, he came into the house and it turned out he'd been filming me through the window when I didn't know he was there. He really didn't think there was anything wrong with it and was surprised when they objected. I think he had autistic traits.

@CurtainWitcher

Just out of interest, would this 'if she says no, don't push it' idea be extended to healthy food choices?

I often see posts from people asking how they should encourage their children to eat healthily. Does the same advice apply?

I don't have this issue, but I'm trying to gain context on the advice here.

Yep. Encourage, by all means, but never force. To use the example you’ve asked for, forcing someone to eat things they don’t want to eat may create deep issues around food, which may lead to disordered eating and massive anxiety around mealtimes.

Abusive partner; steps to take if you don't like your DD. Jeez. I hope none of these people ever has to suffer any real trauma.

Are you referring to me, OP? Because you got very defensive very fast to what was not an oppressive post. I said specifically it's OK if you sometimes don't like or struggle to empathise with your daughter - there are very few people who you like 100% of the time or don't get on your nerves occasionally.

As for me not suffering "real trauma"...well...

I get why you’re pissed off. I would be too and come down on it. For what it’s worth, Tim too seems to have plenty of videos where teens have recorded their parents unknowingly ( it seems to me) and uploaded the video for others to laugh at. Might be things like their mum calling them for dinner or asking their mum a question etc. Sounds pretty innocent right? But not really and I think a gross infringement of privacy and the parent would be horrified if they knew. Teachers too, telling kids off etc.
Kids need to learn this crosses boundaries. I have told my kids I would be furious if they filmed me without consent

In terms of healthy food, you would put it on the plate and on the table but you wouldnt force to actually eat it. That it is there is an option. I do this all the time and kids more willing to try when their choice. Pushing her to take part is like forcing her to eat a mushroom, put it near as a choice she gets to make but don't ram down her throat.

When my eldest left for uni ,I broke down in Sainsbury’s as I wasn’t buying his favourite pizza ,I literally just sobbed these huge tears ,and obviously I’d just been holding it all it
My youngest who was with me ( has autism)
Instead of comforting me ,decided to film it ,including the bit I was trying to tell him off for filming it through my tears ...
We can laugh about it now ,but I was mad at the time

Anyone saying this mum is being abusive is utterly ridiculous! I can't believe I read that.

I am not sure how to handle these situations with my kids, who are, to be fair, younger (pre-teens). They need a push to do certain activities, but it's our jobs as parents to make sure they are (a) having well-rounded experiences and (b) keeping commitments. I don't think 13 is too old stil continue to do this. I actually wish my parents had "forced" me to do certain things and to stick with them. I have almost no hobbies or skills outside of my career (I was pushed academically, but really only academically).

I wouldn't insist she participated in anything she didn't want to, but I also wouldn't play with her either. She's old enough to entertain herself.

She can read, cook, bake, do housework, play video games, watch TV, draw, colour, go out with her friends, watch films - there's plenty of ways a 13 year old can entertain themselves if they wish.

I don't think you're helping yourself by organising her free time for her and giving in to her when she mopes around bored. What incentive does she have to entertain herself or organise her time if you do it all for her?

@CaptainCabinets the point of OP's thread is not to say nice things about her dd, she is looking for practical advise on how to deal with her dd filming people without their consent. Mumsnetters have, as usual, jumped to massive conclusions based on a miniscule window into this family's life and derailed the entire thread, while a lot of people have also become child psychologists evidently.

The recording issue is getting twisted here I think. It would be entirely unacceptable if your DD was recording you to upload online, or send to friends etc, but she was sending it to her dad so she could prove to him that she was being coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Clearly she feels bullied by you and she wanted backup/help from her other parent, which she was unable to do in person as he is working away. It’s not difficult to understand why she did it.

@Hayeahnobut

Your child sounds anxious, not lazy, sulking and whining. She might be more respectful to you, if you do the same to her.

Agree with this. It sounds like she has anxiety so why are you being so forceful in making her do something that clearly sets off her anxiety? Try to be more sympathetic and talk to her about why the activitiy is upsetting her so much.

Am I reading a different thread?

Dd loves singing. She has online singing lessons and has asked for song books for Xmas.

DD's teacher invited her to the 1 hour singalong. Dd said yes

Just before the singalong dd changes her mind.

Asks mum if she can not go. Mum is feeling crap and says try for a few minutes then decide. Dd has a history of being bored at home and hating the idea of doing an activity but loving it when she has a go.

Dd records mum saying this and sends to Dad

---

I think it's not unusual to get scared about trying a new activity. This is perhaps something she needs support with. Explain that adults also feel a bit worried when doing something new with different people. Most people will have memories of a new school, job etc and its part of life really that every so often you move into new situations and it's ok to feel worried.

This was her hobby and recommended by a teacher who presumably knows what kind of music Dd likes and the age of the other people. Personally I have encouraged my kids to go out of their comfort zone and try new situations but supporting them with a get out clause if needed.

I would feel that the recording was out of order. I would have a call on speaker between Dad-dd-me but covert recording is for people that you don't trust. Did she explain why she recorded you? Was it a way to tell her Dad that you were unreasonable making her give it a go?

I'd be telling your dd that it's possible to say "I'll think about it" to situations that she's not sure about. This incident happened because she said yes to the teacher.

[quote IJustWantSomeBees]@CaptainCabinets the point of OP's thread is not to say nice things about her dd, she is looking for practical advise on how to deal with her dd filming people without their consent. Mumsnetters have, as usual, jumped to massive conclusions based on a miniscule window into this family's life and derailed the entire thread, while a lot of people have also become child psychologists evidently.[/quote]
It was an audio recording, not a video.

I'm not taking the 'abusive mum, don't like her child' comments at all seriously.

I've had decades of professional experience dealing with neglect and victims of real abuse.

Unfortunately some people think they're reading between the lines and jump to uneducated conclusions. Rarely a thread without that mentality. Water off a duck's back for me, but unfortunately not for others, I suspect. Some people enjoy drama without appreciating the damage they could be doing to others.