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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this message from friend?

137 replies

Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 13:28

Just typed out a really long backstory and lost it 😭 so will recap and add more details if relevant.

Have a friend we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I'm not a massively chatty type of person and have never had another friendship where we speak everyday but me and this friend have always spoke daily via text. Almost never about anything that needs an immediate reply so more like general chit chat and depending on what we are both doing in the day it can range from 1 message each from us both or several a day.
I had another dc nearly 2 years ago and with lockdown a new baby etc I havent seen this friend for over a year now (we live 40 mins apart for context)
I know people will say it's just excuses and it doesnt take 2 mins to type out a message but with DC to look after, homeschooling, working from home etc I just forget to reply daily and sometimes a few days go by before I reply (like i say it's not something that needs an immediate reply otherwise I would answer) the messages are long and take me a good while to to respond.
All other friends I have are the same as me and will take a week or so to reply to messages sometimes which I think is normal when you have DC and busy lives?
This friend of mine has no DC and lives at home so doesnt have these responsibilities.

Anyway to my point, a couple of days ago I responded to her message and it had been about 6 days since she sent it, it was just about a program we were watching and general chit chat about xmas and at the end I said sorry I've been rubbish at replying lately. Her reply was short, snappy and in response to me saying sorry about being rubbish at replying was yeah I'm used to it.
I've known her a long time and know when she's being snappy.
AIBU to be slightly annoyed by this?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 11/12/2020 13:33

Well you’ve said yourself you’re bad at replying and she’s just agreeing with you and saying she’s used to your lack of response.

Really do you need to send a massive reply each time could you not just send a quick response rather than 6 days in between?

CaptainCabinets · 11/12/2020 13:34

It doesn’t take a moment out of your day to let someone know you’re thinking of them, but silence speaks volumes unfortunately. I have a ridiculously busy life but I still make time each day to catch up with the people I care about.

AftonGlen · 11/12/2020 13:34

Could your friend not just have been jesting?

Woewoewoejoy · 11/12/2020 13:36

I think yabu. I have 4 DC between one and 7. I do all child care, school runs and work from home and it takes two seconds to reply to a message of a close friend. I have a friend like yours and she has one DC and doesn't work and never texts anyone back as she doesn't have time. It annoys me so much. But that's what she's like. I would try and make more effort OP. Especially if you want the friendship to continue

AftonGlen · 11/12/2020 13:37

Sorry I see you said you know when she's snappy but I wouldn't take it as an insult

user1493413286 · 11/12/2020 13:37

It’s not unreasonable not to text someone every day; but she’s obviously hurt that you used to speak every day but now that you have more in your life then you aren’t. I text my sister every day (although they’re relatively short messages) and I’d be hurt if that changed because she’s now too busy but did message every day when it used to suit her to do it. I think you probably need to talk to her about it; me and my sister started messaging every day when we were both single and it was a lifeline for us both back then when we might otherwise have only spoken to work colleagues each day; now our lives are a lot busier i wouldn’t mind so much if she said to me she was struggling to reply every day but I’d be upset if I felt I was “dropped” because she now has more in her life.

KitKat1985 · 11/12/2020 13:41

Hmm, I can see why she's a bit miffed. The fact you haven't seen her in a year (40 mins away isn't that far really) and don't reply to her messages for days does show the friendship is pretty low on your priority list.

And yes I have 2 young DD's and work full time, so I get about life being busy, but it really does only take a couple of minutes to reply to a message.

Lotsachocolateplease · 11/12/2020 13:41

Sorry op but the time you spent typing that message on here you could have been sending her a text. How many other posts have you read, replied to? Those times could have been spent being a better friend.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/12/2020 13:43

YABU, 6 days is a long time to reply even if it's not an urgent message.

Original poster
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 13:46

@kitkat1985 I skipped out the part I'd typed in the longer post I lost to say I've asked several times this year (when its been allowed) if she wanted to meet for a walk and I know she's been out with other friends for a walk but when I've asked she just says yeah we'll do that at some point when I've specifically said let me know when you are free to meet.

OP posts:
majesticallyawkward · 11/12/2020 13:50

Yabu, it sounds like you're looking for excuses or wanting to be a martyr with no time. Were you seriously so busy for 6 days your friend didn't even enter your mind?

I have 2 young dc, homeschooled when schools closed (including homeschooling a 5yo and having a newborn) and do most school/nursery runs, work full time from home, manage the household things, cook most meals fresh and still find time to reply to messages/have calls/meet up with friends. And most of my friends are 30-45 minutes drive from me, it's not that far.

Original poster
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 13:52

The messages are as long as my opening post no exaggeration and I'm not a chatty person so it takes me ages to think of what to respond.
Literally all the other friends I have find it strange we speak so much and I don't find it natural to speak to people everyday, I've just been doing it to keep her happy.
She's told me before she gets annoyed at her other friend when they dont reply for days too so I can't be the only one who forgets when life gets busy?

OP posts:
elsaesmeralda · 11/12/2020 13:54

I have a friend who only replies every few days/weeks later and it does get pretty annoying makes me wonder why I bother making the effort

upsidedownwavylegs · 11/12/2020 13:56

I’m like you OP and I’d feel miffed too. I hate neediness about texting.

VetiverAndLavender · 11/12/2020 13:57

I'd probably be annoyed, too, OP, or possibly a bit hurt. This is precisely why I no longer bother with friendships. I'd find it smothering and too much pressure to keep up a conversation when I don't always have the inclination or emotional energy to maintain such a steady back-and-forth.

You've mentioned that not all your friends require so much contact. Maybe you're not as compatible with this friend.

However, you could just ignore it and move on. If this is the worst of her snippiness and she doesn't continue to make too much of a fuss about it, there's no reason you can't continue to be friends with managed expectations. She'll have to learn that you're not always as fast to reply as she might like, and you'll have to remember that she doesn't like it when you take "too long" to get back to her.

Simplyunacceptable · 11/12/2020 13:57

My former best friend used to reply once every month or two. I’d reply the same day, he’d read it then would leave it for a month or more before he bothered replying. Sometimes I’d send another message between and he’d read that but still wouldn’t reply any quicker. I think it’s the fact the message has been left on read for so long that pisses people off. If it happens once or twice fair enough but when it’s constant people get fed up with it.

OrigamiOwl · 11/12/2020 13:58

I've got a friend who sounds similar to you... Conversations take place over weeks, with long gaps in between (until she wants something then suddenly she finds the time to text). She does suggest meeting up, but it feels like such a hollow gesture (if she was actually interested in my life it wouldn't take her a week to text back).

You've shown your friend she is not very important to her and she's reacted according 💁🏻‍♀️

Trisolaris · 11/12/2020 14:00

Why not respond

‘How about we meet in person for a proper catch up then? You will have my full attention! I’m free on x, y and z dates so let me know whatever works for you.’

That way the ball is in her court - she clearly thinks you are letting the side down so you are making a big effort and see if she reciprocates

VetiverAndLavender · 11/12/2020 14:05

Ah, and in case it wasn't clear, I meant that I'd be annoyed in your place. I know it can also be frustrating when you don't get a reply, but I've also been in your place. I was to the point that I dreaded seeing a new message from someone and wouldn't even want to read it, because it was soooo long and I knew it would require more than just a few minutes to read, process, and reply. It felt like an obligation.

But I get that my reaction is possibly extreme. I'm very introverted and don't want much social interaction beyond what I get from my husband and dogs. (Yes, I count my dogs as social interaction. They're quite demanding of my time and attention!)

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/12/2020 14:05

Try and remember this.

If she isn't a priority, be honest.

To be annoyed by this message from friend?
Elfieishere · 11/12/2020 14:07

You are making shit excuses. It doesn’t take 6 days to reply to a message.
I also have kids, work, studying and a busy life but I manage to reply to people the same day. You are just rude.

Redwinestillfine · 11/12/2020 14:07

You are over thinking. Let it be. Just reply as you would and crack on.

Original poster
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 14:07

I have asked at least 3 times I can think of to meet lately, she had a week off in august so I said let me know which days you are free which were left ignored.

I dont mean to drip feed but over the years things have been different, she had a partner she only saw on weekends for a couple of years so she'd message maybe on the friday and then I wouldn't hear a peep from her until the monday as she was spending her time with him.
I didn't say anything because it didn't bother me at all.

OP posts:
MotherOfCrocodiles · 11/12/2020 14:07

Bloody hell, that sounds intense to me, I don't text anyone every day! I don't even text my DH every day when he's travelling. Maybe it's a generational thing though, I didn't grow up with mobile phones....

MrsWarleggan · 11/12/2020 14:09

Good lord. What did we do before the days of instant messaging?! I am absolutely crap at replying to messages. Not that I do it on purpose. I see a message start replying and then DD1 will do a massive poo, or DD2 will want a drink, or DH will ask me a question and I forget. Couple of days later I see it and think "Oh shit!"

I've often been on the receiving end of the "I'm used to it" comment. Just let it go over your head OP.