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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this message from friend?

137 replies

Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 13:28

Just typed out a really long backstory and lost it 😭 so will recap and add more details if relevant.

Have a friend we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I'm not a massively chatty type of person and have never had another friendship where we speak everyday but me and this friend have always spoke daily via text. Almost never about anything that needs an immediate reply so more like general chit chat and depending on what we are both doing in the day it can range from 1 message each from us both or several a day.
I had another dc nearly 2 years ago and with lockdown a new baby etc I havent seen this friend for over a year now (we live 40 mins apart for context)
I know people will say it's just excuses and it doesnt take 2 mins to type out a message but with DC to look after, homeschooling, working from home etc I just forget to reply daily and sometimes a few days go by before I reply (like i say it's not something that needs an immediate reply otherwise I would answer) the messages are long and take me a good while to to respond.
All other friends I have are the same as me and will take a week or so to reply to messages sometimes which I think is normal when you have DC and busy lives?
This friend of mine has no DC and lives at home so doesnt have these responsibilities.

Anyway to my point, a couple of days ago I responded to her message and it had been about 6 days since she sent it, it was just about a program we were watching and general chit chat about xmas and at the end I said sorry I've been rubbish at replying lately. Her reply was short, snappy and in response to me saying sorry about being rubbish at replying was yeah I'm used to it.
I've known her a long time and know when she's being snappy.
AIBU to be slightly annoyed by this?

OP posts:
Emeeno1 · 12/12/2020 10:57

If you think about it, before mobile phones and the internet (not that long ago!), when you were growing up how often did you see your parents on the phone to friends? Mine, hardly ever. Certainly we used the phone more for communication in our teenage years but the adults, not so much.

This being 'on' constantly is exhausting and new.

Newmumatlast · 12/12/2020 11:07

[quote Snoringoutloud]@kitkat1985 I skipped out the part I'd typed in the longer post I lost to say I've asked several times this year (when its been allowed) if she wanted to meet for a walk and I know she's been out with other friends for a walk but when I've asked she just says yeah we'll do that at some point when I've specifically said let me know when you are free to meet.[/quote]
Shes possibly less invested now in your friendship because you have been and shes been with other friends for walks because they respond more?

ScalpHelp · 12/12/2020 11:08

6 days is taking the piss - you don’t continue the conversation as if nothing happened at that point, you apologise and start afresh

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 12/12/2020 11:46

Sounds very intense. She needs to be aware you’re not teenagers anymore, you have your own life’s and responsibilities not everyone has time to sit on messenger chatting all day. YANBU, I’m the same OP I take my time to reply to messages as I find it draining.

OrigamiOwl · 12/12/2020 13:56

It does sound a bit like you've decided that YANBU and that nothing will change your mind... So you're seeking validation, rather than a genuine AIBU.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 12/12/2020 16:27

I think it's down to modern technology and how amenable everyone is to the 'glued to their mobile culture'. In the past we saw people and met up or we spoke on the phone or sent a letter. In between contact we were free to be antisocial.

I don't understand why my daughter needs to be texting her friend several times whilst getting ready for school - her friend meets up with her and they walk to school together. Why do they need to be texting rather than getting ready? They are often having to rush because they've been pissing about texting on their bloody phones.

Life is mostly dull with hardly any excitement. Unless it's a special meal then I don't feel the need to tell a friend what we are eating. It seems to be contact for contact's sake rather than communicating anything of importance..

nuitdesetoiles · 12/12/2020 17:23

I'm fairly prompt replying to messages and 6 days is too long. I have DC and a busy career. If people rarely get in touch or expect me to always initiate contact often the friendships will fade. My social world has shrunk but at least I know the people in truly value each other. I used to be very much the "social secretary" in my friendship group however it was exhausting so I was very clear that I expected some reciprocation and was pulling back from being the "planner". As a result there are some people I hardly ever see now, sad but inevitable. Friendship is a 2 way process.

Shell4429 · 12/12/2020 17:23

I have a son I exchange messages with, plus a friend and a cousin. They all know I am terrible at replying but that I always will and I care about them. I would drop everything if they needed me. You have to accept people the way they are, especially now when it’s hard to see each other.

Whycantibeapuppy · 12/12/2020 17:41

YABU. It takes a few seconds to write a reply even if it’s just one saying I’m really busy right now, I’ll reply later. I have a friend like you but worse as she ignores the messages but is constantly online then replies when she’s got something she wants to talk about. If you were really interested in her and her life then you’d make her a priority. Her message just sounds like she’s upset that your a priority in her life but she’s not in yours and that hurts.

Clappingforjoy · 12/12/2020 17:49

You do it to keep her happy. Says alot really

Whycantibeapuppy · 12/12/2020 17:54

[quote Snoringoutloud]@butterpuffed she has been going for walks with friends throughout the whole year, she drove past where I live last week to meet a friend for a walk! She could have asked if I was free and I'd have been happy to tag along as I know her other friend.[/quote]
Perhaps she didn’t because she would expect you to take 6 days to reply?

ERFGLA · 12/12/2020 18:03

My two mum friends both work a lot with small kids
One responds by the end of the day , the other once a month if I’m lucky
Guess which friend I end up seeing more?

LouiseTrees · 12/12/2020 18:14

@Snoringoutloud

The messages are as long as my opening post no exaggeration and I'm not a chatty person so it takes me ages to think of what to respond. Literally all the other friends I have find it strange we speak so much and I don't find it natural to speak to people everyday, I've just been doing it to keep her happy. She's told me before she gets annoyed at her other friend when they dont reply for days too so I can't be the only one who forgets when life gets busy?
Couldn’t you just be like. “ wow that’s a long message, baby is climbing all over me and I just lost the response I’d typed out. Not an irregular occurrence to be fair. Will retype when I can”. Save that down in a text and copy and paste to send
MrsMummy500 · 12/12/2020 18:21

AIBU to find drag queens really bloody offensive?

I hate the term offensive, it’s bandied around far too often at far too insignificant things (am aware this may be one of them). BUT, men dressing up as some fetishised version of a man made ideal of a woman really pisses me off. Hyper hair, max make up, drink in hand, revealing clothes.

I do not know a single woman like that. It riles me and I feel like I’m unable to express it as women have lost so much of their space to LGBTQ+ community (I perceive this, I don’t say it as a fact).
potential bomb drop alert but if white people are taken down (rightly IMO) for ‘blacking up’ should it be acceptable for men to parody women in the form of drag queens.

Ps- I do not buy for one minute that they are celebrating the female form with balloon breasts. It feels more like a piss take.

Yogalola · 12/12/2020 18:25

Taking so long to reply does seem to signal to the other person that she is not so important in your life anymore, no wonder she sent back such a comment.
You really need to find time to give her a call and speak to her, to clear the air. Meeting up at the moment is impossible with all the regulations. As she’s more time on her hands maybe when restrictions lift you could invite her over for maybe lunch one day?

vincettenoir · 12/12/2020 19:14

YNBU to be slightly annoyed. But I don’t think your friend’s message was unreasonable either. I don’t think either of you will take this to the grave.

Gotajobthrunepotism · 12/12/2020 19:25

Oh god, I hate the pressure to constantly be in touch with people over text message. It’s just such a constant effort. Yet I love meeting you with friends

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 12/12/2020 20:22

@LisaLee333 and that's your right, to be friends with whoever you want to be friends with. But different people have different standards. I usually reply same day to a message. There are times when it can take me a few days, because I sometimes work nightshifts and during my hours off, I'm like a zombie, feel groggy and just want to sleep. But generally, outwith nightshift, I text back the same or next day. But I have friends who take a good few days to reply. I accept that. We're adults, busy people and even when we aren't busy, we may have other priorities. We may not wish to engage in a back and forth text conversation, which is often what it ends up as. But most importantly, I respect the fact that no one owes me their time, and I don't owe anyone mine. If my friends take a week to reply, through being busy, forgetting or whatever then I don't mind, because I'm not somehow entitled to their time whenever I decide to text them.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 12/12/2020 20:22

Yes id be annoyed if you dismissed me for 6 days

FelicisNox · 12/12/2020 20:41

YABU and you are making excuses (but you know this).

I work full time, have home schooling responsibility, 6 kids of various ages (15-23) with all the dramas that go with kids, 2 grandkids, 2 disabled parents etc... and I would never be so rude as to look at a message and think "meh, you can wait 6 days".

Seriously, you're rude, you know you're rude and worse than that you're trying to blame your friend because she's upset with you. I'm amazed she bothers with you to be honest. Being busy is NOT an excuse to treat anyone this badly, it just isn't.

All I can say is: do better.

bemusedmoose · 12/12/2020 21:27

You couldn't type a quick message while waiting for the kettle to boil in 6 days!? I'm bad at replying but I usually respond the same day! You sat down and watched TV in that time could have messaged then.

Sounds like she needs cheering up or emotional support and hearing from you is very meaningful at the moment so when you don't make time for 1 little txt I can see its an emotional kick in the face. Is she on her own? Maybe she is really lonely right now.

Also 40 mins is nothing - my journey to work takes longer than that every day and you haven't managed to meet half way (20 mins) in a year!? I can see why she is upset. It's not that you dont have time to send a message, it's that you don't value sending the message enough to make time for it.

You wrote a lengthy post which got wiped, then another longish post about how you are annoyed she is snippy with you for not having time for her - yet you have time to moan on here, twice! You could have called her or sent a few messages in that time instead of being all woe is me when actually you are out of order not your friend.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 12/12/2020 21:35

I have friends like this who wait a week to a month to reply to a simple message and often it’s just a quick how are you ? Guess what. No longer friends because having DC isn’t an excuse. I have had hell on Earth this year but still manage a goddamn sentence in reply. You’re a shit friend. Own it.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 21:41

YABU OP.

honeybee88 · 13/12/2020 01:47

I tell al my friends that just because I do t repky straightaway does not mean ai am ignoring them. They all understand. However I have a friend who I txt every day. First thing in morning with my coffee. If I dont, or if she doesnt msg me, we think sonething has happened to one another. But its a quick msg and that may be the only one some days.
Perhaps she was worried about you too?

ilovenewpyjamas · 13/12/2020 06:26

YANBU
I would have to find an extra hour in my day to respond to texts. I don’t have that. I think people are forgetting how exhausting it is with your children. I used to have chronic fatigue and after dealing with my child, the last thing I wanted to do was to reply to texts. I had a friend who would send me long texts: I learnt to reply “I’m just busy but will reply ASAP”. It felt like pressure. I think I must have been mentally overwhelmed as to read a long text and reply appropriately felt like too much work mentally. People have different opinions about their phones - some people are texting through the day - was someone who felt it a burden and wished that I never had one. I sent a blanket text out that I had some health issues and that I got overwhelmed by texting, although very touched people contacted me. I thought it was the most considerate thing to do - some
People took offense and blocked me!