To be annoyed by this message from friend?

[Snoringoutloud]

Just typed out a really long backstory and lost it 😭 so will recap and add more details if relevant.

Have a friend we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I'm not a massively chatty type of person and have never had another friendship where we speak everyday but me and this friend have always spoke daily via text. Almost never about anything that needs an immediate reply so more like general chit chat and depending on what we are both doing in the day it can range from 1 message each from us both or several a day.
I had another dc nearly 2 years ago and with lockdown a new baby etc I havent seen this friend for over a year now (we live 40 mins apart for context)
I know people will say it's just excuses and it doesnt take 2 mins to type out a message but with DC to look after, homeschooling, working from home etc I just forget to reply daily and sometimes a few days go by before I reply (like i say it's not something that needs an immediate reply otherwise I would answer) the messages are long and take me a good while to to respond.
All other friends I have are the same as me and will take a week or so to reply to messages sometimes which I think is normal when you have DC and busy lives?
This friend of mine has no DC and lives at home so doesnt have these responsibilities.

Anyway to my point, a couple of days ago I responded to her message and it had been about 6 days since she sent it, it was just about a program we were watching and general chit chat about xmas and at the end I said sorry I've been rubbish at replying lately. Her reply was short, snappy and in response to me saying sorry about being rubbish at replying was yeah I'm used to it.
I've known her a long time and know when she's being snappy.
AIBU to be slightly annoyed by this?

I think there is a difference between replying promptly (polite) and meeting an expectation that you text every day (excessive IMO).

I've got some friends where we chit chat on text daily, and some equally close friends, where we only text intermittently.

If one of the chatty friends suddenly went quiet and distant I'd find it odd and think there was something in it.
But a less 'texty' friend who took 6 days to repy wouldn't bother me if that was normal.

Diffrent people have diffrent texting habits and approaches.

I think you just need to be clear to your friend about how you like to approach texting and she can accept it or sulk.

Have you thought that this is a crappy time for most of us and she’s most likely missing the close friendship she had with you? She sees, hears, something and wants to share it with you but unless there’s a reply within a reasonable time then there’s no point — it loses its relevance.

...over the years things have been different, she had a partner she only saw on weekends for a couple of years so she'd message maybe on the friday and then I wouldn't hear a peep from her until the monday as she was spending her time with him.
I didn't say anything because it didn't bother me at all.

Yep. I think that's a big part of it. She isn't as busy and doesn't have as much built-in socialisation as you do, probably, so she's relying more heavily on her friends. When they take a while to reply, she's more likely to notice and be irritated or disappointed.

The person I was referring to was in a similar situation. She did have a serious boyfriend, but they were living far apart, so they communicated online, which meant she was more comfortable with that level of texting/chatting, since it was a way of life for her at that time.

This is why texting is rubbish unless you’re sharing jokes. I don’t think you’re rude at all, just different expectations and priorities.

AIBU to be slightly annoyed by this?

You feel how you feel. What do you want to do about it?

Hm so she lives alone, no DC, and her best friend doesn’t bother replying to messages until 6 days later.

Does it occur to you OP that perhaps in this shitty year which I suspect was much lonelier for her than for you in all the lockdowns etc, you’ve not been a very good friend to her? Maybe stop thinking of it as ‘general chit chat’ and start thinking of it as a crucial part of your friend’s support network that helps her stay sane.

Maybe she's just snappy because you used to text daily. Plus living 40 minutes' travel time away is a long way to go for an outside December walk.

YANBU

I am in a similar situation with a friend of mine. We used to be very close and message/speak daily.

Over the past two years, our friendship has become distant due to factors from both sides (huge increase in workload, serious physical illness, mental ill health, change in relationship status etc). However, we did maintain a level of contact. Not as often or intense as previously, but we did still check in on each other and met up occasionally.

I have messaged friend several times during lockdown to try and arrange a social distanced walk / long overdue catch up. Told her when I was free and asked her to let me know when was convenient for her. She would never get back to me.

Sent her a message last month just asking how she is. She sent me back a really upsetting message saying I had pushed her away these past two years. It's simply not true. Both our circumstances have changed over the past two years and we have both equally become a bit distant which is justified due the circumstances on both sides - but to say I pushed her away if out of order. I actually looked back over our messages from the past couple of years and there are several from me trying to arrange to meet up and then responses from her apologising for not getting back to me.

6 days is very long to reply back to someone who you consider a very good friend. Not every message you send has to be an essay. Just reply short and sweet rather than saving it all up and having to write a longer one to make up for the time it’s taken. I do think she has a right to be pissed off if you do this a lot. Surely you have a few seconds of your day to send a message.

I’ve started to really resent mobile phones and texting lately. People seem to feel so entitled to someone else’s time and attention in any particular moment or time frame just because that’s when they decided to insert themselves in there.

YANBU to feel annoyed. She wasn’t that responsive when she was busy and had a DP but now with free time on her hands it’s a problem that you’re not. Double standards much.”

@vetiverandlavender thank you it does sound like you understand exactly what I mean.
Me and my friend are like chalk and cheese, I value my alone time and dont need constant contact with somebody to know that the friendship is fine. She is the opposite. But I feel like there should be a middle ground between us.

I do think a long delay in responding to a message is a bit rude. If I don’t have time to send a lengthy reply I usually acknowledge what they’ve said as a holding text and then reply properly when I get a chance. Sometimes all people want is acknowledgement that they are being heard.

I only have one friend who takes days and days to reply but she suffers with depression and I appreciate she finds it hard.

Six days to me is too long.

I have one who replies to questions with 'haha'. I feel your pain OP.

You havnt been doing it for 20 years to keep her happy. No one does that. You text every day because you felt like it at the time.

It sounds like you’ve already discussed how much she messages you with your friends which isn’t kind either.

Good friends are really hard to come by.

You should have a think about how much you value this friendship- if you’ve out grown it, move on. If you havnt your going to have to make an effort

Sounds to me like you've both become aquainteces now rather than friends.
It happens when people's lives move on in different directions.
No-one's fault - just life.

@butterpuffed she has been going for walks with friends throughout the whole year, she drove past where I live last week to meet a friend for a walk! She could have asked if I was free and I'd have been happy to tag along as I know her other friend.

Acquaintances.

Do you have a dictation facility on your phone, OP? It only takes five seconds to speak into your phone and send. All you say is 'Very busy today, will be back to you tomorrow xxx' and press send.

I can’t imagine having having daily contact with a friend, that would be way too much for me

6 days is a very long time not to send any kind of response to a close friend. A quick "Really busy, I'll text again soon" would have been polite.

I honestly can't be arsed with people who want to text daily, or who get annoyed when you don't reply. YANBU. I wouldn't phone a friend to have a chat every day, why would I text them, what is there to talk about!
Its unreasonable yo expect people to give you attention every day when you have other things going on. Whether a text takes 2 minutes or not is not the point.

How people keep track of when they get a text back I'll never know. Unless its something I really need to know about, I would forget I've sent the text within about an hour.