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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed by this message from friend?

137 replies

Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 13:28

Just typed out a really long backstory and lost it 😭 so will recap and add more details if relevant.

Have a friend we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I'm not a massively chatty type of person and have never had another friendship where we speak everyday but me and this friend have always spoke daily via text. Almost never about anything that needs an immediate reply so more like general chit chat and depending on what we are both doing in the day it can range from 1 message each from us both or several a day.
I had another dc nearly 2 years ago and with lockdown a new baby etc I havent seen this friend for over a year now (we live 40 mins apart for context)
I know people will say it's just excuses and it doesnt take 2 mins to type out a message but with DC to look after, homeschooling, working from home etc I just forget to reply daily and sometimes a few days go by before I reply (like i say it's not something that needs an immediate reply otherwise I would answer) the messages are long and take me a good while to to respond.
All other friends I have are the same as me and will take a week or so to reply to messages sometimes which I think is normal when you have DC and busy lives?
This friend of mine has no DC and lives at home so doesnt have these responsibilities.

Anyway to my point, a couple of days ago I responded to her message and it had been about 6 days since she sent it, it was just about a program we were watching and general chit chat about xmas and at the end I said sorry I've been rubbish at replying lately. Her reply was short, snappy and in response to me saying sorry about being rubbish at replying was yeah I'm used to it.
I've known her a long time and know when she's being snappy.
AIBU to be slightly annoyed by this?

OP posts:
Snuggleworm · 11/12/2020 16:23

I understand OP. I don't mind a quick fire text that needs a answer straight away like " what time are we meeting at today" but I feel that sometimes I just don't want to text back sraight away as this will lead to a full blown conversation back and forth for ages. I get quite stressed by my phone and hate it interrupting my life unless it is absolutely vital.
Say your phone is broken and have a well deserved break from it.
Everything nowadays is about instant gratification and quick replies.

I do however, think you should at some stage in the future say to your friend that you just dont really feel like texting much and perhaps arrange a nice phone call once a week when you have a spare hour to catch up. You will also have much more to chat about too.
She sounds a bit needy if I am being honest. Maybe it is just me but I could go for days woithout having to text anyone or get a text from anyone. I am happy out in my own company.

Coffee4Queen · 11/12/2020 16:25

[quote Snoringoutloud]@butterpuffed she has been going for walks with friends throughout the whole year, she drove past where I live last week to meet a friend for a walk! She could have asked if I was free and I'd have been happy to tag along as I know her other friend.[/quote]
Not receiving a reply after 6 days would annoy me but completely ignoring multiple invitations would piss me off!

I would reply with - well you never accept or even respond to my suggestions of meeting up, preferring to spend time with your other friends. I didn’t think you were bothered anymore.

Then again I’m petty and immature, maybe that’s why I only have a handful of friends Xmas Grin

ElizaLaLa · 11/12/2020 16:29

All other friends I have are the same as me and will take a week or so to reply to messages sometimes which I think is normal

That's not normal. It's rude.

Jkrowling92 · 11/12/2020 16:31

You sound really rude tbh. Just because your friend lives at home and doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean she’s got no responsibilities. You don’t prioritise the friendship. She’s right to be annoyed.

katy1213 · 11/12/2020 16:40

@motherofcrocodiles
I didn't grow up with them either and, like you, manage to sustain relationships without stream of consciousness drivel throughout the day. I'd honestly be opting out of any friendship where I had to keep up a running commentary. No wonder people never look up from their phones!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/12/2020 16:43

@Happylittlethoughts

YABU and rude. Stop your excuses of having children ffs and reply to her
What every single day? Have people nothing better to do with their time than have inane chit chat with people they hardly see every day?
Hugstoall · 11/12/2020 16:43

I don't think YABU. I can't bear that feeling of having to maintain friendships through constant messaging. It's such a pressure. My phone often feels like an intrusion these days and I ignore texts for as long as possible unless it's urgent or the person genuinely needs something from me. But my friends know this about me now, and accept it. They also know it doesn't mean I don't care and would be with them in a heartbeat if something was wrong. Oh, and they know not to send me links to silly videos, GIFs or other such nonsense, because they won't get a response! Life is too short, and there is nothing wrong with having other priorities about how you spend your time. Maybe it's time to have an honest conversation with your friend?

MoreLikeThis · 11/12/2020 16:54

The messages are as long as my opening post no exaggeration

That sounds a bit much. I couldn’t be bothered to text like that.

ThirstyGhost · 11/12/2020 16:57

I can't stand my phone going off all the time and often stick it on silent when I'm out apart from family calls. My close friends know I do this as I've told them. They also know I'm not a "phone person" in general so just don't expect so much from me. The daily lengthy texting would definitely be too much for me and it would stress me out a bit actually. Don't know what the answer is - in your shoes I think I'd just fire off a quick reply (doesn't have to match her epic ones) answering the main question in the text and ignoring everything else. Hopefully she'll reduce the scale of her texts to compromise a bit with yours.

LH1987 · 11/12/2020 17:07

I can empathise OP, I find having a newborn very overwhelming at the minute. I often take days to reply to friends messages as I’ll read them and then I get distracted by a crying baby and forget to reply. Also fundamentally I now have different priorities and texting isn’t top of my list.

Reading some of the replies from people who have several children, jobs and manage to respond and contact friends has not made me feel great 🤣

I think you may be overreacting to the message though and overthinking it. From an outside perspective she doesn’t sound that annoyed.

BexR · 11/12/2020 17:14

I have a friend who takes a week to respond. Her messages always start "sorry I thought I'd replied" or "just seen this". Every time?

Meanwhile I see her posting random shite on facebook. So it's not for want of time to sit on phone. It's just that I'm not a priority or not interesting enough to warrant a response. I no longer text.

NoProblem123 · 11/12/2020 17:35

Don’t be annoyed- you’ve just said she’s a friend and also one of your best friends. Maybe she’s having a bad day.
Why not text back something nice, or even better give her a ring and see how she’s really doing.
Life is hard at the moment for everyone so be extra kind x

Anydreamwilldo12 · 11/12/2020 17:43

I would just respond....And I'm used to you not responding to my requests to meet up for a walk so I guess we both know how the other feels.

LazyName · 11/12/2020 17:43

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I have a friend like this and it drives me mad, there is really no need to text EVERY day. It’s always about herself too.
I have a number of wonderful friends and we are not upset when we don’t text back immediately that day! People have lives outside of their phones.
Imagine how they would have coped before text messaging was invented?!!!

AdditionalCharacter · 11/12/2020 17:44

Who are you homeschooling if you only have a 2 year old and a baby?

I'm not the best at replying to texts straight away, but even 6 days is a bit extreme. Can see why she is snappy. Perhaps she was having an off day?

PandemicAtTheDisco · 11/12/2020 18:18

I have a friend who expects prolonged text conversations about nothing. I don't want to spend hours texting back and forth every single day. She wants to know what I'm doing and why I don't respond immediately. Others have told her it's too much and she has been angered when they won't go by her rules.

I had to tell her I was busy with other things and would text tomorrow. I had to gradually text her less often, shorter messages and just say I had nothing to say or I was concentrating and needed no interruptions. I don't want someone dictating the terms of our friendship and my phone use. I don't want to be on my phone if I'm watching a film with my daughter, visiting my parents, at work etc.

She is single and no longer works. I've had to be honest. She isn't my priority and I have lots of other obligations. Our friendship became more of a chore than anything enjoyable.

LisaLee333 · 11/12/2020 18:32

@Snoringoutloud YABVVVU. One of my pet hates is people who can't be arsed to respond to a text, or message, for days and days... (Sometimes not at all. You sometimes have to message them again 2 or 3 times before getting a bloody response!)

It takes a couple of minutes max. Even 'thanx 4 message, will read properly later and respond in the next couple of days. Bit frazzled atm! All the best xx' would do.

In my experience and in my honest opinion, nobody is too busy to respond to a message, or text etc. They just can't be arsed, and/or they think their time, and their life is way more important than yours. Just try turning it around and not messaging them back though. Your name would be mud!

I don't expect someone to drop everything and fire a bloody response back at me within an hour, but within a couple of days at least. If someone doesn't respond, it makes me wonder if they got the message. (They always have by the way!)

When I message again after 3 days, they say 'oooh, sorry I didn't reply to your message, I have been 'BUSY!' I just think 'oh do fuck off with your shitty excuses. I have a busy life too!' Hmm

Most of my friends/people I know, do respond in a timely manner, but there are 2 or 3 who are useless, and you wait soooo long for a response!

No sympathy at all from me OP. Only for your friend, who deserves a better friend than you to be frank. Probably do her a favour if you cut her loose. Let her find more reliable and caring friends who give her the time and effort she is worth.

LisaLee333 · 11/12/2020 18:35

@BexR

I have a friend who takes a week to respond. Her messages always start "sorry I thought I'd replied" or "just seen this". Every time?

Meanwhile I see her posting random shite on facebook. So it's not for want of time to sit on phone. It's just that I'm not a priority or not interesting enough to warrant a response. I no longer text.

That's bloody infuriating too. People not being arsed to respond to you, but posting banal shit on facebook and twitter. So yeah, they DO have time. They just can't be arsed, as they are soooooooo much more important than you. Hmm
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 18:59

@neilbuchananisbanksy It's never been completely established, I've always been the slower one to reply, usually in the evenings when I finally sit down and relax. When we first became friends I used to take my mobile phone to work in my work bag incase I needed it on the journey for a breakdown or something and then leave it in the work bag the whole weekend and not even think to look at it. My friend would ask me if I'd seen her message and I honestly hadn't even thought to look at my phone! It took a good couple of years before I would regularly check it and reply and then we fell into this daily texting routine.

We are both nearing our 40's, have busy lives and I just don't think daily back and forth lengthy chat is necessary.

I think I might be reading too much into her message, I'm going to respond and ignore the part I think sounds snappy and carry on as normal. 6 days is a long time to respond and I'm sure I can make more effort on my part.

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/12/2020 19:05

But you did have a daily texting routine. And now you have changed the goal posts.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/12/2020 20:52

@LisaLee333 if you are texting people massive texts every single day, you might want to tone it down. Could be why people take days yo respond or ignore completely.

Twiddlet · 11/12/2020 22:35

6 days is a long time to not reply. If it keeps happening, I’m not surprised she’s irritated. If you are too busy to reply, leave the message totally unread and only look at it when you have a moment to answer. That way you can’t forget!

LisaLee333 · 12/12/2020 10:47

[quote Iminaglasscaseofemotion]@LisaLee333 if you are texting people massive texts every single day, you might want to tone it down. Could be why people take days yo respond or ignore completely.[/quote]
I never said any of that. (That I send people massive texts every day.) Confused Don't make stuff up to suit your agenda.

It's pretty obvious you are one of those rude and inconsiderate people who take days and days to respond to a message, because you, your life, and your time is sooooooooo much more important than anyone else's.

The fact that 82% of nearly 600 posters think the OP is being unreasonable, and is in the wrong, proves that taking days and days to respond to a message, is out of order. I don't imagine you will keep any friends you have for long, with the same attitude as the OP.

As I said earlier, I don't expect an answer right away, but at least within a couple of days. It's so rude and inconsiderate to ignore a text for 5 or 6 days. Like I said, I doubt these conceited and thoughtless people would like it if it was done to them, because this type like to hold all the cards, and dish out shitty behaviour. They don't like it when a similar thing is done to them. Very narcissistic.

I have kicked several people to the kerb, who are like this, useless at responding back, and never the first to get in touch. No loss. When I binned them off, I realise I was better off without them.

The other 2 or 3 who currently do it, are walking on thin ice to be honest. I only take shitty behaviour from people for so long........ Wink

As I said to the OP - if your 'friends' are annoying so much, expecting a message back within less than 6 days, just cut them loose, because they deserve better than you. And maybe you can find some new friends who are as flaky and unreliable as you.

Porridgeoat · 12/12/2020 10:51

The snappy ness relates to her own state of mind about her own needs and situation. I’d let it pass

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/12/2020 10:54

I never said any of that. (That I send people massive texts every day.)Don't make stuff up to suit your agenda.

But you just told the OP that she is rude for not responding to someone who does exactly that Confused. Makes no sense.

I have a group of friends that I have been friends with for 25 years, I have a couple of friends that I have been friends with less time. None of us text that often. I have encountered over texters before, they get dropped like a hot tatty because its boring being in contact with the same person every single day.

I have kicked several people to the kerb, who are like this, useless at responding back, and never the first to get in touch. No loss. When I binned them off, I realise I was better off without them.

I hate to tell you but that was them "binning you off" first. I'm sure it was no loss to them either.

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