Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this message from friend?

137 replies

Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 13:28

Just typed out a really long backstory and lost it 😭 so will recap and add more details if relevant.

Have a friend we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I'm not a massively chatty type of person and have never had another friendship where we speak everyday but me and this friend have always spoke daily via text. Almost never about anything that needs an immediate reply so more like general chit chat and depending on what we are both doing in the day it can range from 1 message each from us both or several a day.
I had another dc nearly 2 years ago and with lockdown a new baby etc I havent seen this friend for over a year now (we live 40 mins apart for context)
I know people will say it's just excuses and it doesnt take 2 mins to type out a message but with DC to look after, homeschooling, working from home etc I just forget to reply daily and sometimes a few days go by before I reply (like i say it's not something that needs an immediate reply otherwise I would answer) the messages are long and take me a good while to to respond.
All other friends I have are the same as me and will take a week or so to reply to messages sometimes which I think is normal when you have DC and busy lives?
This friend of mine has no DC and lives at home so doesnt have these responsibilities.

Anyway to my point, a couple of days ago I responded to her message and it had been about 6 days since she sent it, it was just about a program we were watching and general chit chat about xmas and at the end I said sorry I've been rubbish at replying lately. Her reply was short, snappy and in response to me saying sorry about being rubbish at replying was yeah I'm used to it.
I've known her a long time and know when she's being snappy.
AIBU to be slightly annoyed by this?

OP posts:
StopDoingWeirdThings · 11/12/2020 15:09

She sounds needy and tiring. You sound fine. X

Bambam2019 · 11/12/2020 15:11

Some people make friendship feel like an extra job or responsibility in life and I think it’s ridiculous!
I had a friend similar, friends all the way through school and into early 20s. Thankfully she ‘dumped’ me because I couldn’t fulfil the requirements of being her friend (I am v non confrontational so was glad when she just had one final strop lol). If I didn’t reply because I was busy, or shock horror forgot then she would sit about and be annoyed until I did reply, rather than just send another message ( I know some people will say it’s not her responsibility to message twice, but there proves the point of being someone’s friend being more like a job lol)
I have friends that I might speak to every day for a week, then not again for another 3 weeks. If we live close we might see each other twice a week, far apart twice a year (pre covid of course). But there’s no set routine for it. I do think you’re being unreasonable for trying to justify it. So a friend didn’t cross your mind for one or two days, so what. That doesn’t mean you don’t like or are for them, just means they need to eat over themselves haha.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/12/2020 15:16

@strangertimes

6 days to respond to somebody you’ve known for 20 years is unreasonable. You’re an arsehole. Some of us would kill for a mate like that. Hope she ghosts you. So ungrateful. Hope you end up lonely and alone with zero friends then see how you like it.
How dramatic. Its not unreasonable at all. Get a life.
Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2020 15:26

Sorry OP have to agree with with others, You don't have to give a whole story to reply. A short snappy reply and give fully details is more than enough.
It takes a minute to reply and your friend may think you cant take that time out of your day to think about her.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2020 15:27

sorry that would be give the full details later on

TramaDollface · 11/12/2020 15:30

A week to reply is ridiculous

You can’t be that short of time if you’re on here!!!

zeeboo · 11/12/2020 15:34

I've forgotten to reply to friends for days at a time before. I do have a chronic illness that means I sleep a lot of the day away but mostly I just think "must reply to X" and then it slips my mind. If someone texts when I'm in the car or in a long supermarket queue then I reply instantly but if I'm doing something I will see the notification and do as I mentioned above. Luckily none of my friends mind. When you are an adult you shouldn't have to follow 'rules' of how long it takes to reply to a text. That's for 13 year olds.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 11/12/2020 15:37

I don’t think she was insulting you she was just stating a fact surely? I’ve had messages like your friend has sent and I’ve never taken it as an insult- I’m just grateful that my friends are patient with me and honest about my lack of responsiveness.

Original poster
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 15:38

We have these lengthy conversations by text but if we ever need to arrange meeting up or something that needs a quick reply etc then we will message on fb or whatever and I always respond. It's these essay length texts that I just feel overwhelmed with, I am more than happy to respond to shorter texts it's not like I'm saying I have no time for her because of course I do.

I suppose with the lack of her wanting to meet up but being annoyed I don't respond daily I'm getting mixed signals.

I would never speak unkindly about her but my sister and aunt have both seen the length of her messages when they come through and have said omg that's alot to reply to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 15:41

@zeeboo yes i agree. My friend has often said to me that one of her other friends hasnt replied for days to her and that its annoyed her. She expects immediate replies from everybody.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 15:43

Just to clarify the 6 days of not replying has happened a couple of times over the last year, it's not an ongoing thing and usually I might not reply for 2 days at most.

OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 11/12/2020 15:44

YABU and rude. Stop your excuses of having children ffs and reply to her

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 11/12/2020 15:49

I have a friend that is so demanding of people's time and gets annoyed when a few days go between replies.. My take on it is that you don't owe anyone your time and no one has a right to demand that you give it when they happen to send a text etc. However I'm maybe being overly harsh due to the form of this friend who's behaviour is completely unreasonable when it comes to how much time people give to her. But yeah, I'm busy, I have a life and also.i sometimes don't want to be glued to my phone. So I will reply in a timeframe that works for me and I give the same respect to others.

Excited101 · 11/12/2020 15:50

Christ! She sounds high maintenance- I will reply to people’s texts if I have chance when I get them but if not it can be weeks/months or not until I think to text them or they message me again. All my friends are like this, no one gets annoyed about it... it’s just life!

I live alone btw.

Original poster
Snoringoutloud · 11/12/2020 15:51

Perhaps I should have rephrased my Aibu, I'm not annoyed that she's called me out on being sloppy with replying because I know I am, I'm annoyed that I am expected to live up to a schedule of texting daily when I honestly have nothing to talk about half the time anymore.

OP posts:
mollscroll · 11/12/2020 15:53

I wouldn’t be able to bear the daily texting.

ktp100 · 11/12/2020 15:54

This really is a non-argument. You've admitted you're shit at replying but then when she agrees with you about that you take offence?!

After 20 years of friendship I'd hope you could both make yourselves clear to each other.

mollscroll · 11/12/2020 15:55

And no it’s not a lack of time. It’s a lack of wanting to engage with people every day. Overtexters are overtexters. They don’t get to determine the tempo of our friendship - that’s a compromise between two sets of preferences.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/12/2020 15:57

But the thing is op, the daily texting was established and you now seem to resent her for it? You changed but that's not her fault?

I've had same, it's about priorities. There's give and take both side. I know for a fact my friend was able to text other people, it was just me she seemed suddenly too busy to text having done so daily for years. It hurts.

YABU.

MoiJeJous · 11/12/2020 16:06

I’m like you OP, I often do this with a lot of people and my family and friends know that’s just how I work. YANBU. Your friend sounds needy and it sounds like she doesn’t get it that there are more important things than messaging immediately about a non important message. If the message was very important, my view would he different.

I would be clear with her about it so that she doesn’t get in a mood about it again. People are slaves to their phones nowadays and both of you will have to find a new pattern that works with your changing lives.

lockupyourcinammon · 11/12/2020 16:07

@strangertimes

6 days to respond to somebody you’ve known for 20 years is unreasonable. You’re an arsehole. Some of us would kill for a mate like that. Hope she ghosts you. So ungrateful. Hope you end up lonely and alone with zero friends then see how you like it.
bit dramatic Confused

OP yeh you’re rude. 6 days is ridiculous

BoredBoredBored36 · 11/12/2020 16:13

I've not had chance to read through the other replies yet but I think yabu.
Granted I am a housewife so have more free time, but I always ,always reply to people either immediately or within half an hour.
My sister in law is like you and takes days to reply. Its really infuriating & makes me feel like I don't matter enough to be bothered to find time to reply to me. She's not at work and has one child to look after and is at home all the time so there's no reason why it would take her so long.

TheWeightOfWords · 11/12/2020 16:19

I dont mean to drip feed but over the years things have been different, she had a partner she only saw on weekends for a couple of years so she'd message maybe on the friday and then I wouldn't hear a peep from her until the monday as she was spending her time with him.

It doesn't sound a great friendship, esp with not wanting to meet. I'd reply apologising but explaining how busy you are and suggest texting just a couple of times a week.

warmandtoasty2day · 11/12/2020 16:20

are friendships really such hard work ? i don't bother with friends and from some of the nasty threads i read on here glad i don't.

TheWeightOfWords · 11/12/2020 16:21

6 days to respond to somebody you’ve known for 20 years is unreasonable. You’re an arsehole. Some of us would kill for a mate like that. Hope she ghosts you. So ungrateful. Hope you end up lonely and alone with zero friends then see how you like it. Lol, I think OPs 'friend' is on here.