To feel like we are only just surviving feed to feed- 3 week old twins

[coralpig]

I’ll try and keep this brief (have posted before) we are really really struggling to build up any semblance of a routine and I am totally knocked for six:

Context:

• planned pregnancy although nobody plans twins. They were due to be born at 37+1 by ELCS but I only made it to 36+5. Went into labour- was having very intense contractions in the operating theatre and had an EMCS - outcome was two healthy and beautiful boys.
• end of pregnancy I developed severe obstetric cholestasis and was getting little to no sleep from horrific itching and burning hands and feet. This last about 3 weeks. Both my allocated midwives were on leave at the same time. I felt alone.
• they were very sleepy at birth and didn’t latch or do anything useful on the breast. I had pre expressed a lot of colostrum and this meant my milk came in very early and there was lots of it! I was told to express at every feed and they had lots of breast milk top ups but still lost quite a lot of weight. We ended up having nearly daily midwife visits at home and I found them super stressful. Due to lockdown and difficult pregnancy I hadn’t left the house in my many many weeks and wanted to go for a walk but they didn’t give us a time slot so I had to wait in all day. We got discharged from midwives at day 17.
• one midwife suggested an intensive formula programme with huge quantities and they couldn’t cope- went floppy and sleepy and we ended up in hospital for the night. They had still lost weight- I couldn’t believe it.
• eventually they started to gain but I started to really struggle- when one twin cries and gets something wants it too. So difficult.
• my bleeding also massively increased and I called the hospital and the gp who told me I was probably just doing too much and it was normal. I had an allergic reaction to my section dressing and came out in a skin rash and I got a uti but put this down to the twins and the breastfeeding cycle. They were cluster feeding and I struggled to tandem. I was knackered but didn’t think much of it. I also started getting shivers.
• DH and I weren’t getting on and at each other all the time.
• last week I suddenly got very shivery and couldn’t get out of bed- suspected covid- temperature was very high 38.5. Booked covid test but friend recommended calling maternity who invited me in when I shared my other symptoms. My heart rate was sky high -144- and I was clearly not well. It was sepsis. They admitted me straight away and put me on a drip and iv antibiotics. I was back on postnatal and too unwell to have babies there. It was a traumatic stay and there was an empty cot in the room. The staff were lovely but I wish I’d asked them to remove the cot- I was very poorly and they were unsure of the source of infection- my body was not responding to the antibiotics and I felt terrible- shivery- couldn’t even have the radio on. I’m normally quite fit and well. I cried a lot missing babies. They found a blood clot in my womb that they suspect was infected or that I had a lining infection. They consented me for a D&C and then cancelled it. Next day took me for an MVA then sent me home on tablets. I’m better than I was physically but get very very tired and also still quite traumatised.
• one thing that really affected me is being so weak I couldn’t get out of bed or brush my teeth but having to express milk or leaking milk all over my bed and hospital gain while talking to the doctors. I’ve decided to stop breastfeeding and think it’s right though it’s sad to do it like this.
• I am trying to tail of my supply- I am soaking through my clothes with milk it’s horrible
• I’m on the list to be seen my talking therapies
• an incomplete root canal due to lockdown means I need a tooth extracted. It was meant to be this week but I was in hospital and there are no appointments for weeks.

——— Issue now is that after this shaky start, we are really struggling to establish any sort of routine. Boys are formal fed and thriving but we are just surviving feed to feed and we don’t do anything but feed, change and sleep. When they are down I have a choice to do jobs in the house, shower or sleep. There’s often only a few minutes respite as they’re not in sync and are both demanding and sicky. Now they’re getting more alert I’m desperate to introduce playmat time (tried this last night and they enjoyed) and also some semblance of a routine. When does it get easier? Hubby has them downstairs for hours or in the nursery while I try and rest as I’m still recovering but they are so wide awake at night.

In my desperation I contacted a twin specialist sleep nanny but she is so expensive we could afford one night at a push when we need support with routine which takes longer.

The babies are nearly 4 weeks old. Does anyone have a good twin routine for this age that works? I hate the feeling of just surviving feed to feed and doing nothing else and need to protect myself..

I don't think there is anything such as a good twin routine. I had 3 under 3 and a bastard husband which is not the same but it probably is about surviving feed to feed at the moment. And for a while. I think you should phone the midwife unit and ask for more support. From somewhere. It does not have to be them. Are your babies feeding now?

You’re not going to get a routine when they are 4 weeks old. Go with the flow. Sleep, don’t tidy. It’s early days still.

I just wanted to drop a line and say that you have gone through one of the worst experiences I have ever heard of. That being said you will Come out of this but right now it is all about surviving and making sure you have food sleep and that the babies are fed/nappies changes etc.

I think it worthwhile calling a twin charity who can maybe support you through this. I’m up with a sickly child so will write more later. Didn’t want to just read and run. You’ve done so well despite everything. Hang in there. It is tough but it will go by. Even though every moment might feel heavy it will ease off and you will get to enjoy them.

The playmat is a good idea. But don't expect much yet. Eventually, and not too far away, they'll make themselves tired by being busy. I think you need to change your head space about everything. If the babies are asleep then you sleep or shower. My other very basic rules were to empty the bin long before it needed it. I used floor wipes to get longer out of the kitchen floor and really basic food. Maybe next week aim to go on one very short walk. Eventually that will help you establish a routine. As for self care I'd suggest a homeopath for you. To build your recovery back up more steadily. You have been through a lot.

I agree that routines as such arent probably feasible at the moment - you're doing amazingly well not least due to being so poorly. Do what has to be done and take whatever breaks you can. It is chaotic, you cant change that and it's hard work. It will get easier in time.

You've been through so much op. I had obstetric cholestasis myself with both of my pregnancies. Get plenty of rest, and any support you can get. You're doing an amazing job.

It sounds like you have had a really tough start so please don’t be hard on yourself. Sounds like you are doing amazing.

I have b/g twins who were also born at 36+5. I ended up formula feeding both from 2 weeks because I found it so hard. We also had a traumatic labour, where I started bleeding heavily and got rushed to hospital by ambulance for a csection. One of the placentas had started to come away.

We didn’t get into a routine until around 12 weeks. Up until that point we just followed their lead but would always try and feed them at the same time and get them to sleep at the same time. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get into a routine. It will come. For the first few months it is just relentless nappy changes, feeds and naps.

It will get better though, especially when they start to smile and laugh. Just take it one day at a time.

If you feel like you are struggling, then please do speak to your GP and your HV. I really struggled and was in anti-depressants for a few months. They really made a difference.

Wow, you have been through so much but it’s great to read your boys are now thriving - well done you! You’ve got this

I think the first few weeks are about surviving feed to feed, it’s relentless but it will get better. Sod the housework for now, it’s so important that you rest when you can. If the midwives aren’t being very supportive maybe try your health visitor or GP?

Not a twin mum but didnt wanna read and run. .. But girl : reset!!
Take some deep breaths and start over.
The start was horrible. But that has passed now. So now you start over. With your dh. Google the shit out of dealing with twins and also realise that it is going to be really hard. The first 6 months probably. But keep breathing. Keep talking with your dh. And keep realising that there are thousands of couples dealing with twins right now. (Who probably suffer too 😅) but also survive. And learning on the go. It is hard. Hard as hell having a baby. I cant imagine 2. But you will find the hang of it. But make plans to keep your mh up. Some me time for you. Some me time for dh. Some together time to talk. Some together time to fall apart.

I am sending you many digital cuddles. And write things down op. Keep a diary. And youll see that over the weeks your diary will be filled with more room to laugh and love and enjoy. But give it time. First step is breathing and trying to tackle this beast (beasts😉) oh and try to get somesort of an online get together with friends or family. Eat some food that makes you happy. Try to do 1 thing aday just for you that makes you happy

And always remember that these are youe babies. And they are wanted. And loved. And the best that could ever happen to you. Twins! The joy of having 2 . It is a beautiful blessing. X

Bloody hell you poor thing. I know nothing of twins but forget routines, house stuff, trying to solve this, just sleep and rest and recover. You will get through this but you need your strength

Congratulations on your twins.
Firstly give yourself a break - mentally I mean. Twins are exhausting. And they are technically only just past normal gestation. You've coped with so much since they arrived and I suspect before as well given there are 2! I have 2 besties with twins. One set are teenagers now and the others are 2.

There is no such thing as a routine with any babies under 3 months. It is monotonous and having a level of acceptance around that will help. Do you have parents who can help you? Now that they are formula fed (well done for making a difficult decision) they cold come and do a feed and you could have some rest - you are still healing too.

Plan some decent films. Snuggle down and feed babies and watch some telly. Make that time pass in a cosy way.

Do you have a slow cooker? Double up on things like bolognese so you can have to hand some frozen home cooked meals.

If you can afford a cleaner even every other week then do that too in the short term.

Join TAMBA to connect with other parents of multiple pregnancies. Your experience with 2 is not the same as new mums of 1.

And also take the pressure off. You might hear about other mums leaving the house at 9am for a walk around the block. My friend said to me that once she came to terms with the fact that getting anywhere near being able to leave the house was 2:30pm onwards her mental state improved! And she never left without help.

The reality of twins is the first year is really hard work. Your husband is going to have to rise above his needs and your hormonal rebalancing to help create some harmony. It does get easier. And the joy of their special bond is wonderful to watch.

Fellow twin mum here. My goodness, you have had it tough. Sepsis as a new mum to twins. You must feel like you have done 20 rounds. Don’t lose heart, it WILL get easier.
I have to say it felt all about survival for me for a long time. And I had a night nanny for about 9 nights in groups of 3 nights to help me kick off, and no sepsis. Did have a toddler as well and exclusively breastfed (was fortunate that all came fairly easily having breast fed before).
You are right you need 2 things: routine, and rest. For me, if one wanted a feed, I fed the other straight away regardless if they were asking, and rigidly enforced naps at the same time too. You need some sleep at night to get you over your sepsis. If you are bottle feeding, is there anyone (ideally other than your husband who sounds as though he is doing his best) who can just be with them overnight for two or three nights to give you a chance to recuperate a little? Doesn’t need to be a highly paid twin nanny, a close friend or relative who is willing and able just to take that pressure off you would be perfect, if such a person exists. If you are breast feeding, that person should bring the babies to you to feed then let you get back to sleep.
If there is such a person, I would regard this as essential care where COVID restrictions are concerned. If there isn’t an outsider, if your husband can do this some nights it will make a huge difference. If he is back at work (with a normal working week), then Friday and Saturday nights for you to rest.
100 percent prioritize your own sleep. Anyone who can sit with them while you rest - take them up on it. Survival mode is necessary. Can you afford ready meals, even paper plates? Go as low maintenance as humanly possible on everything until you feel a little stronger. Sleep whenever they sleep, don’t even think about housework until they start to get the days and nights the right way round, which will happen naturally after a while.
Solidarity sister, being a new twin mum is so tough, even without the extra health issues. Twins are amazing as they grow, but be prepared to hunker down for a few months of survival mode. You’ll gradually emerge into a very joyful place xxx

Oh bless you, what a rotten time you are having. You need to rest . Forget housework. Take up any offers of help. People can drop off meals, take Iaundry etc if they live near.
Don't expect too much of a routine at this age but it will come and life will settle down again .
Really just fed babies and sleep. Everything else is less important than you getting well again.
Any congratulations on your beautiful boys x

Congratulations on becoming a mum of twins.
My twins are nearly 14 now, but I remember it was desperately hard at the beginning and you have been really unwell to add to it.
It is an endless run of feed change feed change for quite a while.
I was strict with moving them into a routine so they both fed at the same time. If they are not fed at the same time you need to move their feeds gradually onto the same schedule. If they are starting to play more during the day they should start to sleep more at night but don't expect peaceful nights for a while yet.
I'm not sure a nanny for one night would achieve much but any practical help you can get take it. For example - Do you have someone to take them for a walk for an hour while you rest? Do you have any other support?

Hi OP, I have twins, they are nearly 10 now but I remember the baby stage like it was yesterday. My not so nice ex buggered off when he found out I was having them so I had to do it all alone and it's tough 😩. Please PM me if you ever need to chat, having twins is something that only other twin parents can understand in my opinion xx

I think getting out of the house is important - you realise, amazingly, that while this great upheaval has gone on in doors the rest of the world is continuing as normal!! Even if you push one in their buggy to the end of the street and back for 10 minutes. And being pushed along might help them sleep.

You poor love, what an awful experience. I so hope you begin to feel better soon. Recovering from a C section is hard enough on your body without everything else.

I think you guys are doing incredibly well I don't doubt this has been really hard on your partner too so be kind to each other. It is unsurprising you are struggling to get on in such stressful circumstances.

I don't have much advice for you at this point (had single pregnancies) except that establishing breastfeeding can be really hard work mentally and physically and I don't blame you at all for removing that hurdle and going to formula.

On routine, no one has one at this age and trying to implement one will be stressful. They are just too young. It's so hard but you really do just need to feed them when they're hungry and let them sleep when they're tired. For us, with both our babies, we got into a sort of routine at about 8 weeks.

Loads of unmumsnetty hugs to you!

Wow, that all sounds horrendous. Having one newborn is challenging, without the other trauma you have been through. I cannot even imagine having two newborns at once

I know things feel off-kilter and you brain is just searching for ways to get things back to normal again, but honestly I think you need to make peace with the idea that going from feed to feed is going to be the best you can hope for right now. Things will get easier in time but at three weeks old you are really in the thick of it.

Would thinking about a couple of things that would make this easier for you and then trying to implement them daily help? Think small but meaningful, perhaps one housekeeping task and one thing just for you? For example, a hot bath with a book for half an hour and get DH to tackle the kitchen one day. A short walk with the babies in the pram the next day and get a load of washing done. And just keepon with those two small things which will hopefully help you stay on top of the housework, or at least not worry about it so much, and give you something to look forward to.

Personally I would just settle down for the next few winter months, do the minimum surface cleaning housework and forget about any deep cleaning, lower your expectations, get DH to tackle as much as possible, get food delivered etc. try and get out for some fresh air a few times a week. You'll get through the winter feed by feed, hopefully clawing back some sleep and normality as you progress and by spring time you can have a deep clean and start getting a little bit more back to normal.

Good luck, it sounds so tough, you are already doing amazingly to get as far as you have!

Don't be hard on yourself or expect too much at this stage. As a father of two singletons I can only attempt to imagine how hard twins must be, but when our babies were three weeks old we most definitely didn't do any more than survive from feed to feed.

When ours were that little, the advice above to use floor wipes to get longer out of the kitchen floor would have seemed utterly irrelevant, I'm afraid. Cleaning the kitchen floor, even with a wipe, was so far from being anywhere near a priority. The youngest is five now, and using wipes between the annual 'proper' cleans still feels like a nice-to-have, to be honest.

My formula fed boy twins were just like this in those early weeks. I found it incredibly difficult - and I hadn’t been through anything close to your experience with my own health!! OP you are doing a wonderful job!!

Join TAMBA, connect with other twin parents - they are the only ones who get it!

If you can manage it, go for a short walk. Best not to look at the mess... if you have willing friends/family nearby maybe they could do it? If you can afford it employ a cleaner.

You’ve got this! Being a twin parent is such a privilege - doesn’t feel like it now, but it will. You are a superstar!

💐
Twin mum here. I remember the stumbling from feed to feed but gosh, you have had a lot to deal with on top of the relentless feeding and looking after babies.

Why don’t you give twins trust a call?
01252 332344 they have support lines.
Also do you have a local twins group? Even if they aren’t meeting, they may have a group for virtual support.

Is there anyone you can ask for help, for washing or dinners? I really did have to learn to ask for help or for accepting offers of help when our twins arrived.

It does get better, I remember alarms going off all night so we could wake them to feed them. Then we didn’t need the alarms and they went four hourly at night... such a game changer!
They are so adorable together too!
Always happy to pm if you need to chat xx

Have you got any family who you could ask for help from?

But as said, as they grow things will get easier. It's just a case of hanging on in there and letting time pass when their care needs are so high.

OP, you have been through the wringer my love! What a huge amount of illness and trauma to process and recover from. I feel for you so much, that’s more than any person can reasonably be expected to handle.

It’s such early days yet that I think establishing a routine is going to have limited success, but you clearly need some more help and support. Do you have a friend or family member who could stay for a while, just to be an extra pair of hands and let you get back on your feet a bit?

It might be worth speaking to your health visitor as well in case there is any support they can offer.

I’m sending you so much sympathy, I can only imagine how exhausted you are

Oh OP, it does sound like you've had it particularly rough. I had an infection after an EMCS too but only one baby to look after and no sepsis, I can't imagine what you must have been going through and how traumatic it must have been. Saying that, I do think you will get through all this and it will soon get easier. With babies a difficult time always feels like it will like this forever and so you need to make drastic changes but in reality things change all the time. Suddenly you remember a difficulty and realise you hadn't even noticed it no longer being an issue. So, please don't rush to establish routines or get sleep consultants (your babies are still so tiny! They need your comfort day and night) or stop breastfeeding. If you have it in you to just stick it out a little bit longer, things will soon get much easier. I wish you all the best xx

Wow OP you're an absolute super hero!!! What a fantastically strong mother you are I am sat here in awe of you reading all of that. I too wonder if you could get a friend or family member to help with nights while you (and DH) get some sleep. There are other posters here who know better about twins but I think with any newborn you are surviving feed to feed. You can do this OP ♥️ if you've survived such a tough start, you and your babies can do anything!!!