To feel like we are only just surviving feed to feed- 3 week old twins

[coralpig]

I’ll try and keep this brief (have posted before) we are really really struggling to build up any semblance of a routine and I am totally knocked for six:

Context:

• planned pregnancy although nobody plans twins. They were due to be born at 37+1 by ELCS but I only made it to 36+5. Went into labour- was having very intense contractions in the operating theatre and had an EMCS - outcome was two healthy and beautiful boys.
• end of pregnancy I developed severe obstetric cholestasis and was getting little to no sleep from horrific itching and burning hands and feet. This last about 3 weeks. Both my allocated midwives were on leave at the same time. I felt alone.
• they were very sleepy at birth and didn’t latch or do anything useful on the breast. I had pre expressed a lot of colostrum and this meant my milk came in very early and there was lots of it! I was told to express at every feed and they had lots of breast milk top ups but still lost quite a lot of weight. We ended up having nearly daily midwife visits at home and I found them super stressful. Due to lockdown and difficult pregnancy I hadn’t left the house in my many many weeks and wanted to go for a walk but they didn’t give us a time slot so I had to wait in all day. We got discharged from midwives at day 17.
• one midwife suggested an intensive formula programme with huge quantities and they couldn’t cope- went floppy and sleepy and we ended up in hospital for the night. They had still lost weight- I couldn’t believe it.
• eventually they started to gain but I started to really struggle- when one twin cries and gets something wants it too. So difficult.
• my bleeding also massively increased and I called the hospital and the gp who told me I was probably just doing too much and it was normal. I had an allergic reaction to my section dressing and came out in a skin rash and I got a uti but put this down to the twins and the breastfeeding cycle. They were cluster feeding and I struggled to tandem. I was knackered but didn’t think much of it. I also started getting shivers.
• DH and I weren’t getting on and at each other all the time.
• last week I suddenly got very shivery and couldn’t get out of bed- suspected covid- temperature was very high 38.5. Booked covid test but friend recommended calling maternity who invited me in when I shared my other symptoms. My heart rate was sky high -144- and I was clearly not well. It was sepsis. They admitted me straight away and put me on a drip and iv antibiotics. I was back on postnatal and too unwell to have babies there. It was a traumatic stay and there was an empty cot in the room. The staff were lovely but I wish I’d asked them to remove the cot- I was very poorly and they were unsure of the source of infection- my body was not responding to the antibiotics and I felt terrible- shivery- couldn’t even have the radio on. I’m normally quite fit and well. I cried a lot missing babies. They found a blood clot in my womb that they suspect was infected or that I had a lining infection. They consented me for a D&C and then cancelled it. Next day took me for an MVA then sent me home on tablets. I’m better than I was physically but get very very tired and also still quite traumatised.
• one thing that really affected me is being so weak I couldn’t get out of bed or brush my teeth but having to express milk or leaking milk all over my bed and hospital gain while talking to the doctors. I’ve decided to stop breastfeeding and think it’s right though it’s sad to do it like this.
• I am trying to tail of my supply- I am soaking through my clothes with milk it’s horrible
• I’m on the list to be seen my talking therapies
• an incomplete root canal due to lockdown means I need a tooth extracted. It was meant to be this week but I was in hospital and there are no appointments for weeks.

——— Issue now is that after this shaky start, we are really struggling to establish any sort of routine. Boys are formal fed and thriving but we are just surviving feed to feed and we don’t do anything but feed, change and sleep. When they are down I have a choice to do jobs in the house, shower or sleep. There’s often only a few minutes respite as they’re not in sync and are both demanding and sicky. Now they’re getting more alert I’m desperate to introduce playmat time (tried this last night and they enjoyed) and also some semblance of a routine. When does it get easier? Hubby has them downstairs for hours or in the nursery while I try and rest as I’m still recovering but they are so wide awake at night.

In my desperation I contacted a twin specialist sleep nanny but she is so expensive we could afford one night at a push when we need support with routine which takes longer.

The babies are nearly 4 weeks old. Does anyone have a good twin routine for this age that works? I hate the feeling of just surviving feed to feed and doing nothing else and need to protect myself..

I cant imagine going through all that and still looking after babies. I had one earlier this year via c section and found a few things helped although don't feel pressure to do anything

• take vitamins, eat well and drink lots of water
• robo vacuum cleaner - was one of my best purchases when I was incapacitated in pregnancy and early baby days
• always shower and sleep when you can - prioritise over housework although robo vacuum can hoover whilst you are in shower

Blimey you poor thing, you’ve certainly been through it. Are there any friends or family who can help out?

I have twins and the best bit of advice I ever had was from a health visitor, seeing how knackered I was, suggesting when one twin wakes for a feed I should wake the other one up and feed her so I got a longer stretch between feeds. I did wonder how that would work but it did and things improved.

Best of luck.

I rarely comment on posts but I had to after reading your OP. To say you've had it tough is a massive understatement and you sound like an amazing mother.

I think other posters are right that it's too early to expect a routine at the moment. My sister had twins, they're 17 now but I can well remember the cycle of feed, sleep, repeat. It is so hard but it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job despite what you've had to overcome.

At the moment, just focus on what has to be done. Don't worry about house jobs, sleep as much as you possibly can. Are you able to have a fridge/freezer full of tasty ready meal type foods that you can just bring in the oven? It's not the same, but I recently went through a mental health crisis and that's what I did - do what absolutely has to be done right now, the rest will wait.

Do you have any additional help? I really feel for you, I remember the first few weeks with my eldest son who wouldn't latch, wouldn't sleep and cried whenever I went near him. It was awful, I felt like I should be on top of the world but I just thought I'd ruined my life - and that was with one baby and none of the issues you've had to deal with. Massive hugs to you and your lovely boys

Hello just joined so I can post this comment to you. My twins are now 13 years old and taller than me but hearing your experiences takes me back. Sending empathy and hugs. Please don't feel guilty about doing the best you can. I had to stop bf at 2 weeks old with expressing/feeding never ending cycle. Someone early has mentioned survival- this is it. Just keeping everyone alive is your job now. For me at 8 weeks there was a slight improvement and 12 weeks even more. Unfortunately for me it did feel like endurance until this stage. Keep going and get any help available.

OP I remember you
Honestly if I won the lottery I’d be sending you two bloody night nannies and two day nannies
This is a ducking nightmare

The twins are fine so focus on YOU
Gey that tooth out , heal up

I’m so sorry , one day you will look back at this and shudder and laugh but my heart goes out to you

Sending hugs and healing

No advice as they are too tiny , feed when you are supposed to , wear ear plugs , let them cry if they have to

Please don't put ear plugs in and let them cry!!! It's horrible for babies at any age but at three weeks old, blimey!!

The first few weeks with twins are pure chaos, especially when you add return hospital admissions in and complex recovery. I can really relate and I really feel for you. Especially when you only have an hour window in between feeds and have to decide whether to sleep, eat, shower, wash the breast pump etc. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. You might not be able to see it now, but you are. It will get better over the next few weeks. My twins only started to establish a routine around 12 weeks. And don’t worry too much about the tummy time, again that will come when they are ready.

Morning, I don't have much time as I have twin toddlers just waking. It's early days hon it'll take a while to get into a routine and when you do you won't have it for long before you need to change it.

Just keep trying to establish a routine and you'll get there in the end. It takes a while, forget housework and anything that isn't essential to your survival and you'll get through. We had early arrival we weren't ready for and one thing after another like yourself.

The first year is hell (totally worth it though). It does fly by. Being a twin mum is the best but you probably won't appreciate that till their 2nd year. It gets slowly easier month by month.

Hang in there you're doing brilliantly xxx

Hi OP. Not a twin mummy bit I do have a friend who has triplet girls now 6. Do you have a homestart near you? They provided my friend with lots of support and even a support worker who would come and just sit with her babies / toddlers so she could get some sleep / do jobs around the house. Well worth seeing if you have anything like this in your surrounding area.
It sounds like you have been through a horrendous amount but there is light at the end of the tunnel - the twins will get older anf start sleeping more and you will recover.

Bloody hell, what a start! Might have missed it up thread but I’d advise using bjorn bouncers for them. They’re great for spewy babies after feeding. Both mine loved to chill and often nap in them. They’re perfect to start off at around 4 weeks old.
I bought ours second hand off eBay. Best £30 ever spent. They’re much of a muchness so you don’t need the latest fanciest one.

Wow. The fact that you're managing to get anything done at all is frankly a miracle. I felt like you do, and that was with only one baby. Like others have said, until they're 8 to 12 weeks it's just getting through from day to day and feeling a bit like a zombie. Please don't stress about a routine too much, it'll happen without you even really realising. Can a family member or friend come over and help with housework or cooking? Could you afford to buy in some nice ready meals? - look at Cook or Ruby foods. Most of all remember that after all you've been through you're doing amazing.

Wow, you are absolutely amazing to even be able to type let alone keep 2 tiny babies safe and well.

Forget housework, your dh can do it when he gets home. And have the babies while you shower. Just survive each day and night for now.

wheresmymargharita

I’m saying as short term ! When she has a shower , a shit ! Not hours on end ! They have each other

You need TAMBA!

The first 12 weeks are hell on Earth, just do what you can to get through the days it’s bloody hard work. You should see a slight improvement at 12 weeks. Don’t worry about a routine!

I had 36+5 twins as well. The first few weeks is just a car crash basically, and that was me with a fairly uneventful vaginal birth and nothing like sepsis.

At about 6 weeks I felt like they moved from being terrifyingly small and sleepy to looking more like a regular baby if that makes any sense. At about 12-13 weeks they started having a pretty clear difference between day and night, with their waking periods mostly being during the day and them both going off for a decent sleep at about 7pm - they were still feeding every 3h at that point but they would mostly just feed and then go back to sleep (although DD1 had reflux). I read a thing that said to get them into a day/night routine you should make sure they see daylight and ideally bright sunlight at about 8am. That's not so easy to produce at this time of year! I used to just hold them both at the front door for 10 minutes. At that point they were still just napping as and when -they would both wake at 7am and then the naps would sort of drift out of phase over the day. Everyone advised me to get them used to napping in daylight, in the buggy etc, and while it worked fine for DD1 who would sleep anywhere, DD2 (who it turns out has ADHD) really needed a quiet dark room, so we became quite tied to the house. Family and friends whinged, and were ignored
At about 4 months things settled right down. Night feeds went from every 3 hours to every 4, and by about 18 weeks or so I could put them down for naps at 9am, half 12 and a final one at about 4-5pm in the buggy, with bedtime at 7.30 and wake up at 7am. At that point it was actually fine. It just gets easier after that.

The bit you're in just now is completely hellish, there's no point in trying to sugar coat it. If you have any friends or family that can watch the babies, day or night, accept their help. If the babies are sleeping, you sleep, shower or eat, and forget the house, it can be cleaned in a few months when you have all survived this. As you're on formula now (we used formula too) your DH can split the feeds with you- as a minimum he should be doing the weekend night feeds, and you should be sleeping those nights with earplugs so you can get a full uninterrupted 8 hours. My OH took Fridays off as annual leave for the first 3 months and also did Thursday nights, so I only had to do the 4 nights in a row. He was still getting the chance to sleep in the Fri/Sat/Sun mornings when I took over, and that's how we survived. It will get better. By the spring, everything will be coming together. You just have to find a way to survive these first weeks.

Ooh, also has anyone mentioned the Weego? It's the only carrier that you can use for early twins, the others (well 8 years ago anyway!) ate for slightly bigger babies. The weego is awesome. I used to carry mine around in it a lot in the early days, they would just happily sleep in it together. I used to sit and eat my breakfast with them still in it (nothing hot obvs!)

Are their any twin Facebook groups you can join? I found my mums group on there a total lifeline. They may have lots of good advice or just a great place to vent on the worst days.

I had a similar time but with one baby. Just get through the next few weeks, it will be easier soon. Don't hire a sleep specialist but do hire a mother's help /nanny for a couple of hours a day so you can sleep and heal, that's your only priority at the moment. I reeeeeeaaaaallly mean that, sleep and heal. Borrow money if you need to, call home start for volunteers. Sleep and heal, everything else will come in time.

Mine were 33+3 and spent 4 weeks in hospital. Dd would always wake 1st for a feed and Ds would wait until I was on the school run to start screaming. Nothing much has changed in the last 14 years with waking up as Dd was up at 7 for school and Ds is currently still sleeping.
They were 12 weeks before they were in a routine, very lucky that all mine slept through early so that helped. I used to sit on an old sofa cushion on the floor with a carseat either side to feed them. Winding one without disturbing the other feeding involved contortion but was doable. Before that I would just finish the feeding routine of one then the other would kick off, some days I was lucky to get 30 minutes to myself between feeds.
It's hard at the start and I don't think I would have managed had I not known that Dh would take over from me when he got home and having to leave the house twice a day for the school run got me some fresh air which helped break up the mundane. Though I did forget to pick Ds up on the 1st friday after christmas holidays as it was a half day! Grandad came to the rescue and done the friday's from then on, with a visit to the sweet shop on the way home!

I came on to say "you've got 3 week old twins - OF COURSE you are only surviving feed to feed"...and then I read your OP, and I'm honestly surprised you are doing as much as surviving feed to feed.

The early days (and 3 weeks is very early) are so hard, and you've got 2 newborns, and you've had all that other stuff going on.

Just keep going, minute by minute when that's what is necessary.

I won't try and suggest things that might help as I've not had twins and my baby years are a while ago now.

You will get though this, and things will get better, although it's probably going to take some time.

Try to be kind to yourself, and your partner, and look after yourself as much as you can.

You’ve had such an awful time, you poor thing. And 3/4 weeks is hideous even with one baby so frankly you’re a superstar for getting through it! Sending you and and hoping things get easier for you.

I feel for you coralpig. I found the first year with twins to be brutal and i didn't have any of your complications. But you will get through it. It gets easier. So much easier. Mine are now 11 and a real joy.

Routines were hard. I don't really remember what I did all day except feed them and try to nap. At that age they are changing all the time so you just have to keep adjusting and they don't seem to want to synchronize (though we did find having them sleeping in the same cot seemed to help a bit until about 5 months when they started kicking each other.)

Once mine were about 6 weeks I found out, by accident, that I could do too much to try to settle them. Between my DH's paternity leave and my MiL helping out I had someone to help for the first 6 weeks and if they both needed settling at once we either juggled or took one each. But on one of my first days all alone with them they had been tag teaming all day and I couldn't seem to settle them - so I decided to just concentrate on one and leave the other to cry until the first was properly settled. The one I left got to sleep before the one I was trying to settle. It was a bit of a revelation. Not feeling like I had to pick them up if they were crying did make things easier. YMMV. But it's worth seeing how much of what you do to help actually helps.

We did end up getting a night nanny for a few nights a week (I think at about 3 or 4 weeks - we were dead on our feet). We could only manage two nights/week, but knowing that I was never more than two nights from a reasonable night's sleep did seem to make the other nights more bearable.

It's a really hard time and you really need to just get through it. Let the things that can slip, slip. If you can afford to buy in help - whether it's a night nanny or delivery, or just frozen meals - do. or Make some space for yourself. Don't forget to eat and drink. Try and get some time outside each day, but don't stress if you don't manage it. Be kind to yourself.

It's hard right now. But you are doing well and it is going to get easier.

Do you have a support bubble? With babies under one you can bubble with another household. Choose someone you know will look after you (for me it's my mum) and let them cook, clean, make you cups of tea.

You have been through so much I'm actually in awe that you're still going. You're amazing. You've got this far so you can do it even though it feels like you're climbing a mountain.

Don't worry about routine for now. You have two babies with their own needs and unfortunately babies never read the baby books so they're going to do their own unpredictable thing for a while. For now just feed them when they're hungry, keep them clean and encourage them to sleep.

Don't try and do too much. I know women are meant to just get on with it but if you had had major abdominal surgery and sepsis for any other reason that childbirth nobody would be expecting you to do anything!

Gosh what a rotten time youve had of it lately! Never had twins ,but had Sepsis following a burst cyst and it took a long time to recover TBH .It sounds like you are doing really well .Its going to be hard going for sure but just sleep /shower /feed (yourself and babes!) Just have snacks /Take outs /whatever is easiest .Dont worry about HW ATM, just keep on top of washing if you can .My dear SIL made me laugh, as she took her lead from her Siamese cat ,who literally slept and fed her kittens!Sending all hugs and kisses to you .Maybe as others said ,any family/friends who could take them out for an hour in the pram maybe?If possible someone ON. but may be difficult to find someone without family responsibilities to do this .Take care xxx