To feel like we are only just surviving feed to feed- 3 week old twins

[coralpig]

I’ll try and keep this brief (have posted before) we are really really struggling to build up any semblance of a routine and I am totally knocked for six:

Context:

• planned pregnancy although nobody plans twins. They were due to be born at 37+1 by ELCS but I only made it to 36+5. Went into labour- was having very intense contractions in the operating theatre and had an EMCS - outcome was two healthy and beautiful boys.
• end of pregnancy I developed severe obstetric cholestasis and was getting little to no sleep from horrific itching and burning hands and feet. This last about 3 weeks. Both my allocated midwives were on leave at the same time. I felt alone.
• they were very sleepy at birth and didn’t latch or do anything useful on the breast. I had pre expressed a lot of colostrum and this meant my milk came in very early and there was lots of it! I was told to express at every feed and they had lots of breast milk top ups but still lost quite a lot of weight. We ended up having nearly daily midwife visits at home and I found them super stressful. Due to lockdown and difficult pregnancy I hadn’t left the house in my many many weeks and wanted to go for a walk but they didn’t give us a time slot so I had to wait in all day. We got discharged from midwives at day 17.
• one midwife suggested an intensive formula programme with huge quantities and they couldn’t cope- went floppy and sleepy and we ended up in hospital for the night. They had still lost weight- I couldn’t believe it.
• eventually they started to gain but I started to really struggle- when one twin cries and gets something wants it too. So difficult.
• my bleeding also massively increased and I called the hospital and the gp who told me I was probably just doing too much and it was normal. I had an allergic reaction to my section dressing and came out in a skin rash and I got a uti but put this down to the twins and the breastfeeding cycle. They were cluster feeding and I struggled to tandem. I was knackered but didn’t think much of it. I also started getting shivers.
• DH and I weren’t getting on and at each other all the time.
• last week I suddenly got very shivery and couldn’t get out of bed- suspected covid- temperature was very high 38.5. Booked covid test but friend recommended calling maternity who invited me in when I shared my other symptoms. My heart rate was sky high -144- and I was clearly not well. It was sepsis. They admitted me straight away and put me on a drip and iv antibiotics. I was back on postnatal and too unwell to have babies there. It was a traumatic stay and there was an empty cot in the room. The staff were lovely but I wish I’d asked them to remove the cot- I was very poorly and they were unsure of the source of infection- my body was not responding to the antibiotics and I felt terrible- shivery- couldn’t even have the radio on. I’m normally quite fit and well. I cried a lot missing babies. They found a blood clot in my womb that they suspect was infected or that I had a lining infection. They consented me for a D&C and then cancelled it. Next day took me for an MVA then sent me home on tablets. I’m better than I was physically but get very very tired and also still quite traumatised.
• one thing that really affected me is being so weak I couldn’t get out of bed or brush my teeth but having to express milk or leaking milk all over my bed and hospital gain while talking to the doctors. I’ve decided to stop breastfeeding and think it’s right though it’s sad to do it like this.
• I am trying to tail of my supply- I am soaking through my clothes with milk it’s horrible
• I’m on the list to be seen my talking therapies
• an incomplete root canal due to lockdown means I need a tooth extracted. It was meant to be this week but I was in hospital and there are no appointments for weeks.

——— Issue now is that after this shaky start, we are really struggling to establish any sort of routine. Boys are formal fed and thriving but we are just surviving feed to feed and we don’t do anything but feed, change and sleep. When they are down I have a choice to do jobs in the house, shower or sleep. There’s often only a few minutes respite as they’re not in sync and are both demanding and sicky. Now they’re getting more alert I’m desperate to introduce playmat time (tried this last night and they enjoyed) and also some semblance of a routine. When does it get easier? Hubby has them downstairs for hours or in the nursery while I try and rest as I’m still recovering but they are so wide awake at night.

In my desperation I contacted a twin specialist sleep nanny but she is so expensive we could afford one night at a push when we need support with routine which takes longer.

The babies are nearly 4 weeks old. Does anyone have a good twin routine for this age that works? I hate the feeling of just surviving feed to feed and doing nothing else and need to protect myself..

I can relate to a lot of your post - I have twins myself (now 13 months) and was also re-hospitalised for a while shortly after giving birth (not to the twins though - to my older singleton).

As others have said - very difficult to establish a routine when they're that little, but you can at least get them into sync with each other. When one is hungry, feed them - then offer milk to the other one as soon as you're done. They might not take much at first, but gradually they'll start feeding at the same time. The same with sleep - when one is tired, try to settle both for a nap. When one wakes, wake the other. In a couple of months, they'll naturally fall into a more predictable routine.

Oh wow you really have had such a hard time bless you. Like other pp I think it's too early for a routine to be established.
My friend has twins and found this stage relentless especially when dh went back to work. Her mum and dad brought her two swing/rockers and she said they were such a relief for her. She could pop both babies in one during the day, they loved them. So she could do housework, shower and then when dh came home hhe could take over so she could nap. She said that's how she survived.
So maybe invest in these if you don't have them?

Twin mum here. You've had a really tough start op I also had a bit of a bumpy ride, tough pregnancy & dd's born at 32wks. They were in hospital for 5wks. The only upside to this was a routine was established by the neo natal nurses, which in simple terms was getting both up, nappies changed and fed, winded then back down. Every 3-4 hours roughly. It did help us, as we came to terms with two babies & meant there was breathing space and sleep for us in between! It didn't always go to plan, but generally kept us sane. It was modified by us as they got bigger but keeping to set times for feeding helps massively- or it did for me and dh. Can you try to synchronise them slowly? I know this is easier said than done. Sending strength and support.

I'm mum to 9-month old twins, and the early days are horrendous. I was the same - no routine. The babies woke up when they wanted, fell asleep when they wanted, ate whenever they wanted. It was total chaos. My biggest problem is that I didn't know what they SHOULD be doing - so didn't know whether to try to stretch a feed interval to 3 hours, for example, or just feed them when they cried.
About 12 weeks they fell into some routine.

At the time, other new mums recommended a site called Little Ones. I didn't have a second to even check it out, but now that I've more time, I looked at it, and wished I had followed it earlier. www.littleones.co/products/newborn
No connection to the site, but I signed up at 7 months, and it's been great at suggesting routines. (You need to pay, but it's not too expensive).

You're doing amazingly well, given the things you've been through.

Just to say: three weeks is rough.
Always prioritise sleep over anything else.

You've had some lovely advice on this post OP. So I'll just add some love and say that I hope, in some small way, hearing that just surviving is all you could possibly be expected to do will actually help get you through this.

Even with 1 newborn and a normal healthy post both recovery the first few weeks are survival! 6 weeks it'll get a little easier and again at 12 weeks. Don't look ahead further than a few hours. One day you'll suddenly realise there has been a small improvement!! Hang in there x

*post birth

Hi OP,
At this newborn stage a routine won’t be established and from memory, anytime I thought “yes! Nailed it!” My DC would change it all up so we were back to square one.

It feels chaotic because it is. Please be kind to yourself - your experience is intense without even having kids thrown into it. I can’t imagine how hard it is during lockdown restrictions. If there is any way to get support, even a tiny bit (eg my parents sent COOK vouchers so we could store our freezer with meals) then latch onto it.

Honestly up to 6 weeks (and actually beyond really) it’s such a foggy period. You’re doing so well. Just take it slowly and don’t create any expectations for yourself or your twins.

Lots of love x

My twins are about to turn 13 and I remember those days - though to be fair I didn’t have anything like the complications you have been through.

It won’t be popular here but when mine were born Gina Ford was all the rage. I very loosely followed her routine for twins ( didn’t use black out blinds / complete silence but did do as others have already suggested feed / change one and them immediately wake and feed / change the other). It worked for me and mine were in a reasonable (manageable) pattern by around 8 weeks.

I think you have to accept that there will be times when one baby is crying and you are tied up with feeding / changing the other and so they will have to cry for a few minutes. If you are on your own - as I was due to husband working long hours abs no family or friends around - this is unavoidable. A swing saved me so that whilst one was feeding the other was in that.

You are doing an amazing job. Keep plodding on. And whenever you can take a few minutes to take care of yourself.

Can DH do all the care from 7-midnight. I was very poorly after birth ( not twins) and getting that 5 hour sleep made all the difference (sometimes longer if DD slept till 2am). I then did the nights and DH did 7-9am. It really helped my recovery.
Getting some fresh air will help and will improve the quality of sleep for all of you.

Do the twins still sleep together. I have a friend with twins and she found they slept better within reach of each other.

Sepsis is a serious illness that can take weeks to recover from in normal circumstances. Trying to recover from abdominal surgery usually requires being signed off work for 6-8 weeks.
Your body has taken a pounding. Sleep and rest is a critical factor in aiding recovery..your body needs this.
So, being sleep deprived and mothering twins is just making this worse and will increase recovery time.
Please be kind to yourself. Just focus on making small improvements every few days in your body’s healing and your twins weight gain.
Get help for everything you can. If you can afford a temporary nanny part time even during the day then go for it. I’d say call up local colleges that do nursery vocational courses to ask if you can have a placement student (they love placing students with twins) but I suspect that has stopped with covid..maybe ask for that next year anyway. Get cleaners in. Outsource laundry. Do anything and everything you can afford to do.
You must look after yourself and heal. The babies essential needs are vital..but don’t push yourself to do anything else just now.
💐💐💐

You have had a really difficult time of it and need to cut yourself some slack. A routine will be established in time.

For now I think it really is about survival and alternating with your partner so you both get as much rest as possible. Is there any family nearby who can make you meals or could you do a food delivery service for a few weeks? Any chance you could afford a cleaner to come once a week just to give the house a once over and do the laundry? Or a family member willing to do the laundry for you?
Is a night nurse or nanny a possibility?

You need rest to heal and for your own sanity, you need to prioritise yourself and I appreciate that is harder said than done. As pp have mentioned there are support websites for twin parents, ask your hv if there is any local support you can access. Be honest with them about the level of support you need. Best of luck, I hope all goes well for you x

OP there is no routine at this age I'm afraid! It will come but not yet. It should be basically wake up, change nappy, milk and then back to sleep. Maybe some awake time before back to sleep or Looking around a bit on the changing mat.

The best way of getting 'time' is when the babies sleep so make sure you are set up with the remote, phone and tea in a mug if you are all on the sofa together. Or if you do want to be up and about a sling. Do you have a twin sling?

The way I cope is to have as many baby containers as possible so for newborn we had a wrap sling, structured carrier, Tripp Trapp with newborn set, pram and bouncy chair. So whatever room I was in there was somewhere to put a baby down for a second when I needed my hands.

Waiting for your milk to dry up is a pain but after feeling like it will never stop suddenly it will. Can take a few weeks particularly as you are still on hormonal production. For me milk production makes me feel particularly emotional / stressed and I felt much better when my milk dried up.

Can you get a doula, night nurse, nice family member to help just for a couple of weeks? Things get so much better as time goes on with newborns but the first stage is so hard and you have been through the wars.

Have you got someone who could set this up for you for your friends and family to help? At least it would take the burden of meal prep off you both! www.mealtrain.com/

I read/watched The Baby Whisperer. You’ll find her on YouTube. Her advice was a lifesaver and it is very much child/parent centred.

You have been through a very traumatic experience and you have newborn twins! Do whatever you need to do to survive. Don’t worry about anything else.

I have 3 kids. My youngest spend most of his early months being dragged around after his older siblings. He was ditched in a carrier or pram and largely ignored (I’m exaggerating, but only slightly!). At 4 he is as bright as a button. Your babies just need food and love, nothing else.

Can I just say I have only one baby and practically none of your struggles and I found it hard... so I can't even imagine how you feel. But we had no routine either. I just sat on my bed watching tv with the baby to my boob for weeks! And she stayed awake all night. That's just how they are for a while.

But I promise it did get better a couple of months in.

Look on Facebook for some twin support groups, I know my Facebook group for babies born at the same time as me was really helpful. Just hearing from people who were going through the same as me.

Hi OP, twin mum here. You have had a rough start! Twins are not easier, but in lots of ways the sleeping/ feeding gets easier.

My twins are now 7 months. We tried Gina Ford when they were 6 weeks but honestly, it was hell so we went back to a more relaxed EASY routine (eat, play, sleep). Please please lower your expectations and focus on newborn cuddles, feeding and sleeping. Perhaps try and go for a walk at roughly the same time each day to get out the house? I remember the exact feeling of not doing much/ needing a routine and by 10 ish weeks things were much more settled. Are you feeding at regular times or on demand? I see you say you don’t want to stop bf (sorry if I’ve misunderstood, I am not trying to push either). Have you tried seeing a bf specialist to help you continue?

Youve been through so much.Just surviving through this bit is fine. It really will not be forever.
I had an 11 mth gap between my 2 and PND, so not quite the same as twins, but it was 2 babies at the same time and it was HARD. I went a bit mad.
Please dont expect anything of yourself.
You might not be able to afford a sleep specialiast, but maybe a cleaner in for an hour a morning who will also cook you something?
You could make yourself a snug/den in the living room with bouncy chairs etc and catch up with films and TV . Make sure youre taking vitamins and eating and drinking enough. Nap whenever you can. It WILL get easier. Lower your expectations of yourself down to zero and enlist as much family support aa you can. Surviving is fine x

Oh goodness sounds like youve had a really awful time! Im a first time mum to a 9 week old and ive only just really accepted that there is no routine for a looong time! The only thing that is consistent for us right now is she will go to sleep properly about 11pm and sleeps through until about 6/7 which is a blessing! Everything else is sporadic and chaotic and follows no routine! Each time i think a pattern is developing, the next day is totally different! As others have said, focus on your wellbeing and recovery, go with the flow, accept that routine wont happen just yet and remember your lovely babies are very very young! (Something i have to remind myself of several tines a day)! X

That sounds so hard! But trying to get a routine at 4 weeks is unrealistic. It doesn’t really happen until 3 months plus. Have you anyone to help you? As you have babies under one you can form a support bubble, have you got anyone who can be your support bubble?

Try contacting doula uk. They have a charity arm that helps women like a night nanny type thing and I think they might be able to help. Try to find a woman called Eleanor Fowler and do mention the sepsis. You need help.

Aaargh I just typed a long message and it disappeared. I had a similar start to you with my twins. My hv suggested Dh and I did shifts so I got 4 hours sleep in one block every night. I’d go to bed 9-1 and dh would feed them during that time. After that I was on “duty”. That really helped. I joined the local twins club, used TAMBA for info. Talked to my HV. I tried to get out once a day walking with them in the buggy even if it was only for 20 mins. It really is survival in those early weeks and you won’t be able to do much else apart from feed, nappies and eat. Oh and take lots of photos, enjoy the newborn cuddles - It felt like everything we were doing was practical when they were tiny so I had to remind myself to do that. Look after yourself. Honestly it will get better hang on in there x💐

9pm to 1am

Sudafed helps your milk dry up

Hi there. I really feel for you because I've been there. A routine was really difficult to establish. But when one woke for a feed I pretty much always woke the other. They slept well in the pram, so often I'd put them in the pram and rock them back and forward inside until they went to sleep and left them there. Sometimes when one was sleeping in my arms I'd rock the other in their bounce chair with my foot. I had very little routine until they were about 3 months. They both had dummies for a while. My son gave his up and my daughter sucked her thumb from about 11 weeks which was a godsend. She went from my worst sleeper to my best.

Regarding the breastfeeding, I'd recommend not stopping. Honestly, this recommendation has nothing AT ALL to do with how beneficial I think it is (in all honestly I think it makes very little difference to the long term health of your child when you factor in you are living in a developed country with access to a healthy upbringing). The reason is, when the babies are 3 months old - if they're still feeding it will take just a few minutes each feed and then you're done. It is so easy it is just a revelation. No washing, sterilising etc. It is so much easier than bottles for two and I think whatever you do - it's a good idea to factor in what is going to be easy for you long term. From 3 or 4 months age you'll be venturing out and if you're bottle feeding there will be twice the faff. I almost gave up and I remember thinking to myself when the babies were 4 months old that I was so glad I didn't.

As someone said earlier - ready meals, paper plates, uber eats. Whatever might give you time for some extra rest, do it. I used to get my husband to drop our washing at the local laundromat for a wash, dry, fold and pick it up later. Whatever you can afford.

They're almost 14 now and believe it or not I miss the tiny babies they once were. xx