To feel like we are only just surviving feed to feed- 3 week old twins

[coralpig]

I’ll try and keep this brief (have posted before) we are really really struggling to build up any semblance of a routine and I am totally knocked for six:

Context:

• planned pregnancy although nobody plans twins. They were due to be born at 37+1 by ELCS but I only made it to 36+5. Went into labour- was having very intense contractions in the operating theatre and had an EMCS - outcome was two healthy and beautiful boys.
• end of pregnancy I developed severe obstetric cholestasis and was getting little to no sleep from horrific itching and burning hands and feet. This last about 3 weeks. Both my allocated midwives were on leave at the same time. I felt alone.
• they were very sleepy at birth and didn’t latch or do anything useful on the breast. I had pre expressed a lot of colostrum and this meant my milk came in very early and there was lots of it! I was told to express at every feed and they had lots of breast milk top ups but still lost quite a lot of weight. We ended up having nearly daily midwife visits at home and I found them super stressful. Due to lockdown and difficult pregnancy I hadn’t left the house in my many many weeks and wanted to go for a walk but they didn’t give us a time slot so I had to wait in all day. We got discharged from midwives at day 17.
• one midwife suggested an intensive formula programme with huge quantities and they couldn’t cope- went floppy and sleepy and we ended up in hospital for the night. They had still lost weight- I couldn’t believe it.
• eventually they started to gain but I started to really struggle- when one twin cries and gets something wants it too. So difficult.
• my bleeding also massively increased and I called the hospital and the gp who told me I was probably just doing too much and it was normal. I had an allergic reaction to my section dressing and came out in a skin rash and I got a uti but put this down to the twins and the breastfeeding cycle. They were cluster feeding and I struggled to tandem. I was knackered but didn’t think much of it. I also started getting shivers.
• DH and I weren’t getting on and at each other all the time.
• last week I suddenly got very shivery and couldn’t get out of bed- suspected covid- temperature was very high 38.5. Booked covid test but friend recommended calling maternity who invited me in when I shared my other symptoms. My heart rate was sky high -144- and I was clearly not well. It was sepsis. They admitted me straight away and put me on a drip and iv antibiotics. I was back on postnatal and too unwell to have babies there. It was a traumatic stay and there was an empty cot in the room. The staff were lovely but I wish I’d asked them to remove the cot- I was very poorly and they were unsure of the source of infection- my body was not responding to the antibiotics and I felt terrible- shivery- couldn’t even have the radio on. I’m normally quite fit and well. I cried a lot missing babies. They found a blood clot in my womb that they suspect was infected or that I had a lining infection. They consented me for a D&C and then cancelled it. Next day took me for an MVA then sent me home on tablets. I’m better than I was physically but get very very tired and also still quite traumatised.
• one thing that really affected me is being so weak I couldn’t get out of bed or brush my teeth but having to express milk or leaking milk all over my bed and hospital gain while talking to the doctors. I’ve decided to stop breastfeeding and think it’s right though it’s sad to do it like this.
• I am trying to tail of my supply- I am soaking through my clothes with milk it’s horrible
• I’m on the list to be seen my talking therapies
• an incomplete root canal due to lockdown means I need a tooth extracted. It was meant to be this week but I was in hospital and there are no appointments for weeks.

——— Issue now is that after this shaky start, we are really struggling to establish any sort of routine. Boys are formal fed and thriving but we are just surviving feed to feed and we don’t do anything but feed, change and sleep. When they are down I have a choice to do jobs in the house, shower or sleep. There’s often only a few minutes respite as they’re not in sync and are both demanding and sicky. Now they’re getting more alert I’m desperate to introduce playmat time (tried this last night and they enjoyed) and also some semblance of a routine. When does it get easier? Hubby has them downstairs for hours or in the nursery while I try and rest as I’m still recovering but they are so wide awake at night.

In my desperation I contacted a twin specialist sleep nanny but she is so expensive we could afford one night at a push when we need support with routine which takes longer.

The babies are nearly 4 weeks old. Does anyone have a good twin routine for this age that works? I hate the feeling of just surviving feed to feed and doing nothing else and need to protect myself..

Have you thought about breastfeeding only at night so you don’t have to get out of bed then bottle through the day so you can leave them?? I also want to join the chorus of thinking you’re amazing!!

Wow you have had a rough ride so far. A friend had twins and a partner who worked away. She hired an au pair to come and live and help her so atleast during the day she had another pair of hands.

Night nannies are expensive but maybe this is a more realistic option short term? That way atleast you could get some rest during the day?

To help with night times - need more daylight - need to help reset their body clocks and I suspect as they were under weight they have got used to constant feeding - hopefully as they get bigger they will start to go longer between feeds.

Goodness, you've been through an absolute nightmare!

No real advice except prioritise getting that tooth sorted - you can't be battling horrendous toothache on top of everything else. Even if you have to go private - it sounds like you have a little spare cash if you were considering a night nanny. Your DH will have to hold the fort but don't neglect urgent self-care. You'll feel better with that off your plate.

Also, maybe mixed feeding? One bottle (your DH), one breast (you), alternate twins. Then they'll get the benefits of breastfeeding but might be more manageable for you. But remember "fed is best" - you've done magnificently up till now and no one will judge if you throw in the towel.

It's not surprising you and your DH aren't getting along - birth of first baby (let alone twins) is a real pressure point for relationships. What's surprising is that one of you hasn't killed the other yet.

Congratulations on your twins. It sounds very tough going but hopefully it will improve soon.

The Norland Nanny College near me is always looking for placements for their nannies, and I'm sure other childcare training facilities would be too? Maybe you could look into that for some extra pairs of hands?

Op try and slow down.
You do not need a routine right now but maybe things to help make your life easier such as good quality frozen meals you can microwave or bake.

Your experience in hospital was bad and I get you felt alone with neither of your familiar midwives. I think this is really common.

The feeding your doing is great and leaky boobs come with it I am afraid, do you have nipple bass to absorb leaking milk?

It's such a shame that all the love and compassion on this thread can't magically turn itself into sleep and calm for the OP.

You've had such a tough time OP, I hope you get some tips from this thread, particularly the fabulous twin mums who've shared their experiences.

You're doing great with your babies. You're giving them everything you've got and they're thriving. Which is fabulous. But you need to find a way to take care of you. Rest and time will help enormously. Reach out for professional support, to charities and to friends/family.

Dts are now 9 but it’s a hard slog in the early days.
How I survived: for the first year we ate ready meals, bought pre made formula, they lived in babygrows.
We had a sleep/eat routine at 4 months.
Me and dh had a twin each in separate rooms, he got the better sleeper of the two as he was working.
I would go to bed at 8pm.

So sorry to hear about all your complications at a time when you just want to feel like you’re getting to know your new babies.

I have a 4 year old DD and 7 month old twin DDs. If I were you, I wouldn’t entertain the idea of going back to breastfeeding, even in a combined way. I wanted to breastfeed my two (after doing so for my 4 year old when she was a baby) but really struggled and it was making me miserable and being unhappy was not good for anyone, least of all me! I think you have to go through a sort of grieving process and then throw yourself into formula feeding: read what you can about it, get a Tommee Tippee milk making machine etc etc. Once I had made my peace with bottle feeding, I felt a lot more in control and happier.

Newborns are hard work. It helped me to remember that this phase really doesn’t last long. Try to relax and go with the flow as much as possible and they should slip in to some sort of sleeping/eating pattern. With ours, this was at about 2-3 months. You can do some little things that will make your days/nights easier for you.

1. Set up a room for night time feeds and make it as cosy as you can. Watch a favourite programme or part of a film whilst you’re feeding a baby. Team work is so important though. DH and I took a specific baby each night and swapped the next night, for example. We also snapped at each other a lot, but as long as you have moments when you tell each other ‘this is hard but I love you’, then this too will pass!

1. Make up a flask of tea (I used decaf) to make sure you are at least drinking something through the day. Try to look after yourself.

1. Try whenever you can to tandem feed them, but I did find this impossible to do by myself when they were small babies because they need so much support. If you can take one baby and husband the other, do this when you can. Again though, at about 3 months I could feed one on my lap and the other in a bouncer next to me at the same time (we still do it like this!). It felt a bit tricky at first, but then we all got used to it quite quickly.

In terms of play mat time, ours just weren’t ready for anything like that until again they were 3-4 months old. I really wouldn’t beat yourself up over not ‘playing’ with them at this age. Smiling, holding and talking to them is all they really need IMO. When ours turned 5-6 months, they started to enjoy being on a play mat and are more recently interacting with each other, which is magical.

I found the first 2 months the hardest but then it DID get easier, honestly! I hope it’ll be the same for you guys.

x x x

I have twins and also ended up with sepsis, it was a real alarm bell for me to sleep and eat, I’d been doing neither properly. I have an older one which I think helped me have a routine, I had to walk him to pre school for 9 everyday and although seemed awful at the time gave me some fresh air and purpose other than endless feeding. They are absolutely all consuming and I wish at the time I’d just let it happen, only think about them and yourself, I remember at 10 weeks the fog lifted a bit and a few fellow twin parents have said similar. I’m sure you could continue to mix feed if you wanted, but that means you need to rest, eat and drink. I considered this my main job! I used to settle them to sleep downstairs and my husband watched them and kept them busy for as long as possible, this chunk of sleep kept me going. It will get easier I promise!

Oh, and totally echo PP in keeping the babies in babygrows. Mine are still in babygrows unless it’s a special occasion!

One other thing I remember is trying to get both babies on a 3 hour feed ( for us it was 6am, 9am, 12 noon, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm, 12am, 3am etc etc) and even though we weren’t able to stick to this rigidly, it gave me some sort of idea of a pattern to aim for!

Twins are bloody hard work so just take it easy and try not to stress yourself out, it will get better.

I have twin Ds born @37.5 via emcs, I was on my own from day one and what worked for me was waking both up when the other woke up for his feed. It did take a little while to get in the routine but it helped me alot.

There are lots of twin help pages to get advice from and Tamba in particular was a godsend for me. Good luck

Oh my love you have been through so so much. 4 weeks old is still early days. It can take 6 weeks to establish a bf routine but it sounds like the right idea to bottle feed as Will also give your poor body a break and others can do that. This won't last forever. Feed and rest. Feed and rest. Can you get help with the cleaning so that's one thing you don't have to worry about? I hope you have friends or family that will help you. As other posters have said ring round all the available resources to see what help is available and above all please don't panic about routines at this stage. You are all recovering from an awful awful ordeal. Lots of love xxxx

my best tip for those early weeks is wear stuff like black joggers/leggings and hoodies that you can sleep in but dont need to get changed at any particular time of day and you can sleep in and noone knows if they are day clothes or nightclothes.
Also ready-meals.

We had friends and family cook up a load of freezer meals we could run through the microwave for us so we at least ate one proper nutritious meal each day 👍

I have twins so know how hard it can be without any of the extra issues you have been having, my heart goes out to you.
I think 4 weeks is too early for any sort of routine. It is literally just, eat, sleep, change, repeat. I actually spent the first few weeks sleeping on the sofa, with the twins in their double moses basket type thing we had next to me cause I just couldn't get into any sort of normality. The first few weeks are manic. I wouldn't say I managed to get some sort of routine in place until about 5/6 months. If you have social media I highly suggest following a lady called takingcarababies. I have followed her sleep advice from very early on and I can honestly say the twins have been relatively great at sleeping through and having consistent naps. It's been a life saver cause I love sleep and dont know how I'd have coped otherwise 🤣 the twins are 19 months now and I still follow her advice and it really has and still is working ( both currently having their daily nap)
I also say to sleep as much as you can when they're sleeping. The house work can wait, it will still be there tomorrow. Your health a d wellbeing is more important. Take it in turns of having a nap or some time to yourself to do what you want.

I know it feels like things will be this way forever, but the hard times do end and it does get easier. You will soon be pulling your hair out for different reasons 🤣 good luck. Twins are great 💕

Sending virtual hugs your way OP, you sound like you’re having an incredibly difficult time.

I’ve got 6 week old twins (born at 35 weeks, so adjusted age 1 week), and I’m finding that tough without all your extra complications!

I’m afraid I agree with all the other posters that say you aren’t likely to get a routine going at this age. Tiny babies basically eat and sleep when they need to and aren’t really trainable. Getting into a pattern sounds like a good idea, then as they grow more able to understand you’ve already got the basics in place. But for now, I think living feed to feed is totally normal. My DD (singleton) started getting into a rhythm between 3 & 4 months, I’m hoping my twins will do the same. In the meantime, remember that each day you get through is one day closer to an easier life. It will get better, you are stepping closer to it every day.

The kindness on this thread is amazing. Thank you

Twin mum here. Just getting through the day in anyway is a win. Don’t be hard on your self or you dh. Keep going and take help where ever. Surestart can assist. Just some Sandy sometimes is needed we escaped into a box set which took our minds off, not that we weren’t caring for our twins but it was such a dramatic change. And routine schumtine don’t worry. It will come.

Wow. Give yourself a massive break OP. That’s sounds truly awful but how good is it that you got better?!?!?
Fantastic advice from other posters, I didn’t have twins so have no helpful advice but want to say well done you and to give yourself some care and while they are still tiny accept that that it is what it is for now. Feed, sleep and recover, that goes for all of you xx

Oh my word you've been through the mill. Hope you're feeling better. So tough when you are recuperating, whilst also having 3 week old twins 💐

Massive congratulations 🎊

You are amazing! Your babies are thriving! I think that even with one baby you lurch from feed to feed and they are still tiny. When I felt I was doing a rubbish job my DF said that if everyone is fed and not dead you are doing very well. Be kind to yourself

@coralpig how are you doing? I had twin girls on November the 4th so our are about the same age. One is finally sleeping a lot better, the other one is still up every 2/3 hours through the night though. It's proper graft isn't it! I'm looking forward to them being a bit older and more interactive

That sounds so bloody hard. Wow. I guess just try to do the bare minimum and things will improve over time. Could you maybe hire a cleaner to help? Family?

You’re amazing OP. Not a twin mum, so won’t even pretend to relate. But I was only surviving feed to feed with a 3 week old newborn (just the one baby). Honestly, it was the darkest time of my life. And I hadn’t had half the health problems you’ve had.

It does get easier, over the next few weeks. Their needs get more predictable. They feed a little more regularly and take a bit less time about it. Sorry that isn’t useful advice. The best bit of advice I have is drop your standards to the floor on the cleaning and jobs around the house and spend every second of spare time on you.

It will get easier and very soon. You’re an absolute hero. Keep going.