Things i've learned from MN (lighthearted)

[Wigisfashion83]

It's not supposed to offend anybody, feel free to add to them.

Single parents should only have secret dates for at least 2 years before introducing children to their new partners.

Teenagers should be kicked out at 18 with no financial support.

If you want friends who reply to messages on the same day and need more than annual meetups, you're needy and demanding.

Teachers are very overrated and don't work harder anybody else.

Any one who upsets a mumsnetter is 'vile' and we should all be 'fuming.'

Landlords are money grabbing and depriving people from owning their own home.

You mean “fumming” @Oreservoir

If a woman leaves an abusive man she is best off out of it. If a man leaves an abusive woman he is lying about the fact he must have been kicked out and was in fact the abuser.

If you are struggling to conceive then you could always adopt.

If you love your dogs less than your children then you are a despicable human being and should rehome the dogs to somewhere where they will be loved properly.

If a stranger happened to walk down your street you should log it with 101.

If your children want to be vegetarian then this is a good time for the rest of the family to follow suit...

If you drink more than a glass of wine a week then you have a drink problem, but if you’re teetotal then there’s something wrong with you.

Shrodingers stepmother: she is simultaneously far too involved with her step kids and never involved enough

1. That Centre Parks equals the need for lube
2. Teachers have so much time on their hands, they sit in the staffroom, ( over a cauldron of coffee and sludgy Hob Nob crumbs)

conniving mendacious stories about all the children. These stories are then relayed to the calm, unbiased parents when they contact the school after listening and totally believing their child’s side of events, without question. Often, a smallish glass of wine, outrage and owlish twisting of necks are involved, or at least that’s the impression some posts give.... might just be me...

1. Any school which does not have an OFSTED rating of ‘Outstanding’ should be bulldozed, and any housing near even a ‘Good’ school is to be viewed with derision and or suspicion.
2. Cats have staff.... who knew! ( the cat pictures give me great joy.. thank you to everyone who posts them)

5.That it appears to cost an absolute fortune to kit out a tiny baby, that much for a pram? Really?

1. That I was the tightest expectant Mother in the whole world, equally tight as a mother at Christmas and Easter. Surprised offspring didn’t contact the safeguarding team.
2. Neighbourhood groups are either a pit of pedants or a refuge for those who require more social activity.
3. Parking outside a home which you do not own should be a hanging/ shooting/ disemboweling ( with spoons) offence.

Cats need at least 4 litter trays each or they will randomly crap and pee all over your house.
This number grows exponentially when you have more than one cat.
Feeding your cat with Felix (other brands are also evil available) is akin to child abuse and will kill your cat.

If your DP has a hobby that's slightly unusual it must never be mentioned on here or it will be outing.

A poster will say how they were shouted at by their neighbour for parking outside their house, with the neighbour giving very specific reasons as to why they don't like it.
Many other posters then invent completely absurd scenarios as to why the neighbour is such an arse.
"Maybe she's in an abusive relationship, is suffering from a bereavement, has PTSD triggered by people parking outside her house, is worried about her children, has a migraine, is having a bad day, is struggling for money because of a financially abusive husband and she stubbed her toe on the way out of bed this morning? You should take her a bouquet of hand cut flowers, a magnum of champagne and some baked goods immediately, rewarding her terrible behaviour. #bekind #youneverknowwhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors.

And of course, that every person over 45 could be suffering from Alzheimer's and every person who is acting like an arsehole has undiagnosed additional needs - nobody can just be an arsehole. Then lost of other posters pile on, believing the PP's whataboutery scenarios and accuse the OP of not being kind to an abused wife with MH issues and SEN.

That you are vile/disgusting/grim insert whatever dramatic word you like, if you dont scrub yourself with bleach every day.

Everything is a red flag.

Describing something as posh is a good thing.

You are a selfish murderer if you go to the range, just for some christmas decorations.

All the spas in the UK are constantly filled with women who have just about had enough of their DP/H shit and have decided they need a good foot rub.

Lots seem to ask what people are eating for Christmas Eve/Christmas day in July. Menu planning for the festive season whilst on their summer break!

Look if you want to eat a Chinese takeaway on Christmas eve, go ahead and order it. You don't need permission from 2 million people on the Internet.

That you have to train your parents and in laws how to behave around your little family
They've had their turn and don't need to see your precious children a) until they're at least a year old b) never at Christmas or birthdays c) only at your house by appointment and following your RULES

Oh and emotionally & physically abusive women are misunderstood victims and not nasty pieces of work.

If a man behaved the same way then they're abusive bastards.... Still feeding into the sexist all women are helpless victims narrative.

Vile human beings are still vile regardless of their sex is something that's ignored on mn.

Never be happy or lighthearted about anything, some people have had a terrible year don't you know?!

All MIL are evil

All little boys are rapists/abusers in training

If in doubt LTB AND log it with 101 just to be sure.

A chicken should last a week for the whole family of 6- or you're doing it wrong.

Shopping should be £25 a week for your family of 6 or you're doing that wrong, too. Including your method or zoflora cleaning products.

Complaining to the school for anything, even than wrongful death of your DC on the premises will make you THAT parent.

If your existent pets don't cope with a new baby or small child at all well, you ought to have considered that before having children and should rehome the DC. You've made a long term commitment to the animals so can't leave them. You awful person.

Parking requires a degree.

Any bad behaviour or error from anyone over 55 is probably the start of alzheimers.

No woman should eat more than a handful of nuts a day to maintain her teensy weensy waist- but you must put sufficient protein with them. Similarly, giving under 18s so much as a granule of sugar is child abuse and contributing to the obesity crisis.

You must never buy anything new or have any fun- especially if it involves travel. It's incredibly bad for the environment and you could have spent all that money and time single handedly stocking the local foodbank and giving your DC a valuable and worthy learning experience- rather a fun day out.

You must change your sheets & towels twice a day but ironing anything is for losers with too much time on their hands.

Adults should never get presents or expect anything for any life event.

Spending more than £2 on a wedding is needlessly extravagant and a sign of weak morals and that you're getting married for the wrong reasons. MNers get married on a £1 budget in just their oldest holey knickers but everyone LOVED their thin air wedding and still talks about it.

Never answer the door.

Never have DC with anyone you've been with less than 666.66666 years or you can't know them well enough and you're irresponsible. But TTC after 30 is far too late. Good luck if you met your SO after uni....

A spa day solves all

Wooden toys maketh child as manners maketh man

No one can be as medically special as a MNer

There are two midwives running the entire NHS. Florence Nightingale and Nurse Ratched. Luck of the draw who you get.

Having a baby under 35 is selfish and irresponsible, having a baby at 45 is a wonderful idea.

You should never respect your teenagers privacy and check their phone daily.

You can still be poor if you earn £100k a year 😂

Step parents are always in the wrong, no matter what.

If you don’t have a high earning job it must be because you just haven’t tried hard enough.

If your DH/DP is being an arse you must "pack his bag" for him.

1. He's an adult, he can pack his own fucking bag and maybe he'd prefer a suitcase

1. How the hell do you decide what to put in it? You're kicking him out, not sending him on a fucking stag do.

There should be no fun or enjoyment this year or complaining about anything trivial because 'people are dying'.
If you even consider going anywhere 'in the middle of a pandemic' you are a murderer.
We should all be welded into our homes and one person allowed out once per month to buy dust and gruel.

Leave. NOW.

A&E. NOW.

101. NOW.

102. NOW

The hills are that way → don't walk, run.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

If your DC hasn’t read Harry Potter by the age of 5 and is not reading Dickens by 6 you should have your DC assessed.

You should go NC for the slightest offense

If your DH expresses his discontent at anything which relates to you (e.g. he doesn’t like your shoes) this is abuse and you should LTB.

You can see, smell or taste all pathogens. This piece of flat-earthery is routinely brought out in threads about food safety and laundry.

Charmingly,while everyone is clear about where babies come from ( out of mummy's tummy) it is normal to be bamboozled about how they got there.

Not necessarily something I’ve learnt but one of my favourite MN “tactics” if a particular poster has replied too many times is to point out they’ve spent a lot of time online and ask if they have don’t have something better to do. Usually added with a “I assume today is your day off”.

Like we’re not all a bit addicted?!

If you're having regular sex without contraception then you can still describe yourself as not TTC and describe any pregnancy as a surprise.

At least once a year there's a thread for everyone who is apparently super fertile and conceives several children despite apparently using at least 3 forms of contraception properly and only having sex once at a non fertile time of the month.

@ReeseWitherfork

Not necessarily something I’ve learnt but one of my favourite MN “tactics” if a particular poster has replied too many times is to point out they’ve spent a lot of time online and ask if they have don’t have something better to do. Usually added with a “I assume today is your day off”.

Like we’re not all a bit addicted?!

Similarly posters that start a thread, disappear for 24 hours then come back all indignant that people are wondering where they are. Then they say 'I haven't got time to be on MN all day like you lot'.

You should always, always full a long and therefore “full” name on the birth certificate, even if you don’t like the name and have no intention of ever using it.
Failure to do so will result in your child leaving school with no GCSE’s and ending up in prison by the time they are 18.

Or even * always use