Things i've learned from MN (lighthearted)

[Wigisfashion83]

It's not supposed to offend anybody, feel free to add to them.

Single parents should only have secret dates for at least 2 years before introducing children to their new partners.

Teenagers should be kicked out at 18 with no financial support.

If you want friends who reply to messages on the same day and need more than annual meetups, you're needy and demanding.

Teachers are very overrated and don't work harder anybody else.

'Recommend me a winter parka' Cue multiple links to obscure outdoor clothing brands all starting at £200 plus

That if you have a dog you must never go out as a family ever again or leave a it for more than twenty minutes.

Dogs absolutely cannot stay home for a few hours, comfy in their own beds; however you can leave them in kennels when you go on holiday!

You should never answer your door.

If you're having work done in the house, the workmen should never use your toilet. Same goes for delivery men or anyone else visiting your house.

You should never have an actual conversation with your in-laws; just get your husband to sort whatever it is. In fact, why even have their contact details in your phone. That's your husband's job to deal with.

Everyone has a cleaner.

And everyone has a husband who does a "hobby" which is just so unique and "outing" that they couldnt possibly just say what it is. If they did let it slip then everyone on the internet would know exactly who they were.

That there are people other than my primary school headteacher who describe things as vulgar.
Chav(vy) is in full usage here, as is "having a paddy".

Every child called Otillie has a mum on MN.

I've learnt that women who are six inches shorter than me and 2 stone heavier are a dress size smaller than me.

You must not answer the door nor the landline phone. Ever. And especially not after 9pm.

That I’m very unusual because I love my MIL

"Myself" has now replaced "me" in sentences because mumsnetters think it makes them clever. It doesn't. You look dumb. It really is ok, and completely correct, to use 'me' in a lot of sentence but it is almost never correct to use 'myself'.

(I know this isnt strictly in the spirit of the thread but if I another "my colleague told myself" or "they gifted it to my husband and myself" then my I think my eyes will just retire).

It is perfectly OK for baby boomer parents to live in massive houses and go on expensive holidays several times a year whilst their grown-up children struggle to get on the housing ladder and feed and clothe their children.

Any notion that the wealthy parents should help their children with a house deposit or even some childcare, is quickly shot down as entitled.

Ducks are habitually very untidily arranged, but for some reason if you are planning to leave your husband you must first place all the ducks correctly.

I am irredeemably grim because I don't wash the towels very often.

If your MIL wants to see your baby she sounds crazy. But it isn't her fault... you have a DH problem. You need to tell him that he should tell his mother she is not welcome within 10 miles of your baby and if he doesn't do this immediately, you should start saving a secret emergency fund, get your ducks in a row and LTB.

Everyone has a salary upwards of £60k and 10 rental properties which is "comfortable, but not exactly rich". Noone is ever rich.

I wash every other day, even though I really don’t stink I should be shot as a right minger

That you (not you specifically OP but any woman writing a post on MN) is the first woman to ever go through the experience of motherhood, and as such knows best. And the two people that know the least about parenting are in fact your own mother (who brought you up) and your mother in law. This must be why women on here freak out at everything grandparents do.

Women posters MIL’s are always in the wrong fact!
Women posters DM’s are usually in the right, but not always.
Can’t work out myself what happens if a woman has an adult son and daughter and is thus both a DM and a MIL can she be both in the wrong and usually in the right at the same time?
Oh and the only person more in the wrong than a MIL is a step mum.

I don't wash my bedding or towels often enough
Apparently you can't live in London on under 60k a year

That step mums are evil and the cause of all problems, and should l know their place and make sure the bend over backwards to please everybody

All teenage boys are up to no good, and definitely on drugs. Everything single one.

no mumnetter owns black sexy knickers - so those down the settee must be a suspected ow for dh
Frankly I think dp/dh are deliberately shoving them down the settees of mn posters because they don't like them posting
I will never discover knickers hidden down the settee (whispers) because I never look - I let dh do that when he is hunting for the lost remote, key, mobile phone or some change -I hide things down there regularly so I don't have to clean there
Hmm - maybe that's why dp/dh post knickers down the settee!

That at least 90% of the population never answer their doors at all. The other 10% only with prior notice of at least 3 days.

You must never put up your xmas tree before it is deemed suitable by MN. You should only ever have classic, subtle, warm white lights and a tasteful wreath.

Teachers are the spawn of the devil and you know just as much as they do despite no training or experience of the reality.

Bulk it out with lentils.

"Safeguarding" is an all-pervading concept that justifies all manner of overblown paranoia and nosiness

In a recent thread I was genuinely told I was mean, stingy, and heading for a life of serious angst from my children because I "only" allow my 8yo DD 3 hours of gaming on a weekend.

Which actually makes a refreshing change from the usual narrative that a child merely catching sight of an iPad will make their brains melt and turn them into serial killers.

Having a TV in your bedroom is a terrible crime because bedrooms are for sleep and sleep only.