Page 7 | Is coupling up in year 7 now normal?

notevenat20 · 2020-12-10T07:00:57+00:00

I expected to be too old to understand teenage relationships when my DC got there. But DS is in year 7 and has told me that lots of boys and girls in his year are coupling up as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then my friend with a DD in a girls school told me the same thing is happening there. As far as I know they are not actually doing anything physical but it seems so young! AIBU?

Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:38

@notevenat20

So if it’s an “active” choice, then you have found another man attractive, and chosen to suppress that feel, or distract yourself from it, or avoid the trigger person.

I feel this isn't going to go anywhere. I guess it's suppressed even before it starts but I can't give you a medical explanation for how the brain works. But I am sure I can't be alone in not being turned on by people who aren't their partner.

The majority of people who do feel like that would probably fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum though - i have a friend who feels the way you describe and she would tell you she's demisexual, someone who only experiences sexual attraction to people she feels a strong emotional or romantic connection to.

Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:39

It's not a standard heterosexual experience.

bellinisurge · 10/12/2020 11:41

Not at my DD's school. Some piss taking and banter as a kind of dance around relationships. But little or no coupling up.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:42

It's not a standard heterosexual experience.

There is something odd about a conversation where people are rightly supporting the different types of sexuality that exist but on the other hand quite critical of me for not getting turned on by people I am not married to.

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Gwenhwyfar · 10/12/2020 11:42

Some people actually have more interest in the opposite (or same) sex around puberty than they do a bit older. I presume it's hormones.

There was quite a lot of snogging going on at this age when I was at school, but it was only a minority of my peers really and nothing more than snogging afaik.

I had one friend who went through this stage then didn't have a boyfriend again until 6th form. She didn't sleep with him and didn't lose her virginity until she met her future husband at uni, but I do remember her saying she was very interested around 12 years old.

Thinking about it though, year 6 is still primary isn't it? I was talking about 1st and 2nd year of secondary. In primary, there were only these pretend relationships that pp mention. They weren't even friends!

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:43

Yes year 6 is the last year of primary and year 7 is the first year of secondary, unless you go to Eton.

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Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:46

@notevenat20

It's not a standard heterosexual experience.

There is something odd about a conversation where people are rightly supporting the different types of sexuality that exist but on the other hand quite critical of me for not getting turned on by people I am not married to.

I'm not criticising you, I'm criticising your assumption that everyone feels like you.

I am however criticising you for your belief that people choose their sexuality. That's damaging bullshit.

AlwaysBehindTheCurve · 10/12/2020 11:46

No one mentioned getting ‘turned on’, did they? There’s a difference between finding someone attractive and being sexually aroused by someone.

Notdeliasmith · 10/12/2020 11:48

I think the rule should still stand though, that if they are old enough for an opposite sex attraction then they are old enough for same sex attraction.

Wether that's a cutesy crush or a raging teenage love.

It might be that the best friend in year 8 is the only girl they ever fancy or it might not be. You wouldnt say that if your 12 year old girl said they fancied a boy that it was probably a phase. We dont question that straight people might be mistaken

If you come out as bi, or hetro or whatever then change your mind then no one tells you that you cant.

The problem with the phase wording, is that it's often used as a let's pretend this isnt happening, ignore it and it will go away, I don't want to hear about it and stop being silly.

Cocomarine · 10/12/2020 11:49

@notevenat20

It's not a standard heterosexual experience.

There is something odd about a conversation where people are rightly supporting the different types of sexuality that exist but on the other hand quite critical of me for not getting turned on by people I am not married to.

But no-one is criticising you for your sexuality.

We’re critical (in the sense of critical thinking, not critical disapproval) of your claim to make an “active choice”.

How? How can you make an active choice when it doesn’t actually happen?

Yes, not feeling attraction to anyone but your husband could be your reality. I think it’s unusual, but it’s not wrong. But I don’t see how you can claim both that it doesn’t happen, and that it’s your active choice. Because those things are contradictory.

CorianderQueen · 10/12/2020 11:50

I think choosing not to act on or think about attraction to others is where your view that sexuality is a choice is coming from.

I generally choose not to look at people other than my partner as a sexual option (because they're not) and this obviously means the attraction is more just thinking they're good looking people. Not lusting after them, getting 'turned on' or wanting to have sex with them, just appreciating that when I was single I probably would have.

But that doesn't mean that I'm choosing to be heterosexual because I'm only looking to have sex with my boyfriend. It means I'm bisexual and happy with my male partner. Not a choice, because I still think of men and women as viable options if we ever weren't together.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:51

I'm not criticising you, I'm criticising your assumption that everyone feels like you. I am however criticising you for your belief that people choose their sexuality. That's damaging bullshit.

This a problem on MN. People just assume the worst of each other. Let me repeat: I don't assume everyone feels like me, although some may and I don't believe that everyone chooses their sexuality, although some may.

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PortraitOfAWoman · 10/12/2020 11:52

I've never heard of coupling up.

I taught in school, Yr 6 and then secondary in the 1970s-early 1990s (before moving to higher ed) and I never noticed pupils having girl-boy relationships . There was flirting in the playground and some girls who had reached puberty were quite full on with boys trying to get their attention usually by playing boisterous games.
In my experience, they only started dating from Yr 9.

In some schools I worked in it was actively discouraged - messages in assembly- about PDA.

My own kids are now in their 30s and went to single sex state schools which were former grammar schools and quite academic. They mixed outside of school but neither of them had anything remotely like a boy or girlfriend till 16, and my daughter didn't date anyone till the 6th form.

I honestly think the media and SM has a lot to answer for in terms of children thinking they ought to be in relationships long before they are ready.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:53

@CorianderQueen I respect your view and experience. It's a little different from mine but that is what makes the world a wonderful place.

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CorianderQueen · 10/12/2020 11:55

I think some people choose whether to follow their sexuality is what you mean. So some gay men live with women and have children, but if the biological attraction to men is still there (and they are indifferent to women and just do it to seem straight) then they are still gay. Even if they choose to deny their sexuality they can't choose to get rid of it.

That way conversion therapy lies...

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:55

I honestly think the media and SM has a lot to answer for in terms of children thinking they ought to be in relationships long before they are ready.

I wondered this too but this thread is full of people talking about year 7s from yesteryear in relationships. I think it might just vary a lot by school and area.

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PortraitOfAWoman · 10/12/2020 11:56

OP wearing an educational 'expert' hat, it's normal for kids around puberty to experiment with their sexual feelings- in the old days girls fell for their PE teachers or had crushes on other adult female teachers. Same-sex crushes are almost a rite of passage for both sexes.

what's changed with the LBTG movement is that it makes something more of what for 90-95% of the population who are straight, feel under pressure to reveal what used to be private, fleeting crushes.

sheslittlebutfierce · 10/12/2020 11:56

Mum to a DD yr8, had various boyfriends and they seemed to chat and with one once went for a walk but if there is mention of kissing she responds with a very loud yeuchhhhhhhhh. Long may it continue lol

When it all ended and I asked if she was interested in anyone else she responded with they are all too short or too annoying! I have enlightened her that tragically the annoying part is DNA and not possible to avoid.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:58

When it all ended and I asked if she was interested in anyone else she responded with they are all too short or too annoying! I have enlightened her that tragically the annoying part is DNA and not possible to avoid.

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ArosAdraDrosDolig · 10/12/2020 11:59

TableCat I am not that much older and no one came out until they left school!

Ditto but that’s not really a good thing.

Year 7’s definitely did when I was at school (late 80’s / early 90’s) and even some in primary school. No same sex couplings though but my dd is in y6 and there are sane sex couplings. They aren’t physical though and I think it’s a very positive thing that they can explore and accept different sexual identities in an age appropriate way.

PortraitOfAWoman · 10/12/2020 11:59

@notevenat20

I honestly think the media and SM has a lot to answer for in terms of children thinking they ought to be in relationships long before they are ready.

I wondered this too but this thread is full of people talking about year 7s from yesteryear in relationships. I think it might just vary a lot by school and area.

It's not common where I live which is a middle class SE area where most kids go to unis and good ones. There are also several single sex state schools .

I remember having a crush on someone called Bruce when I was 11. But that's all it was and he was oblivious to my charms other than as someone else to climb trees with

But way back then we were all pretty innocent, read Enid Blyton and there was no social media and little telly.

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 10/12/2020 12:00

I definitely knew I was gay in y6. Also knew that it was unacceptable to those around me. Went on to marry a man and wasn’t completely publicly out until my late thirties.

PortraitOfAWoman · 10/12/2020 12:01

Surely all 'same sex couplings' are just same sex friendships? Since when did they become sexual?

Notdeliasmith · 10/12/2020 12:03

@PortraitOfAWoman

When theres romantic and sexual feelings.

Of course it's a blurry line especially when you are a young teen but often people are aware that they are attracted rather than just friends.

RedditFreak · 10/12/2020 12:09

@Cocomarine

Do you get off of being nasty then do you? She actually obtained a masters in it.

If you're that horrid to someone online. I'd hate to think of what you're like to actual patients.