Page 2 | Is coupling up in year 7 now normal?

notevenat20 · 2020-12-10T07:00:57+00:00

I expected to be too old to understand teenage relationships when my DC got there. But DS is in year 7 and has told me that lots of boys and girls in his year are coupling up as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then my friend with a DD in a girls school told me the same thing is happening there. As far as I know they are not actually doing anything physical but it seems so young! AIBU?

Fairyliz · 10/12/2020 07:57

Blimey we used to play kiss chase with the boys at primary school in the 1960’s.
Thinking about it I’m not sure we ever actually kissed anyone, don’t think we quite knew what to do

oohyoudevilyou · 10/12/2020 08:04

It's over 30 years since was in year 7/8, but yes, a few of us in our mixed-sex friendship group "coupled up". There was generally no kissing let alone anything more sexual but we spoke of them as our boyfriend/girlfriend and I certainly had a crush on the boy I was "going out with".

My Dsis went to the Grammar school which had a more middle-class demographic and it didn't happen there, maybe down to parental attitudes and expectations. Norm at my Secondary was to finish school at 16 and to get a job, partner, home and baby within the next 5 years, so maybe our environment let to us being conditioned to couple up early?

Catmint · 10/12/2020 08:08

I'm with you, OP.

DD ( now Y9) became 'shipped' to a boy in Y7. I felt then that it was partly a ' convenience' thing, to put a stop to speculation and to avoid being left out. From what I could see, they rarely spoke whilst out of school.

However they are still ' together' and talk more, and go for walks. From what I gather, they seem to talk exclusively about videogames. They have held hands due to peer pressure. I haven't asked or been told about kissing.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 08:09

My Dsis went to the Grammar school which had a more middle-class demographic and it didn't happen there, maybe down to parental attitudes and expectations. Norm at my Secondary was to finish school at 16 and to get a job, partner, home and baby within the next 5 years, so maybe our environment let to us being conditioned to couple up early?

That’s a very interesting analysis.

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Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 08:11

DD ( now Y9) became 'shipped' to a boy in Y7

Shipped doesn’t sound very feminist! Is that really the vocab? Are boys shipped to girls too?

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wildraisins · 10/12/2020 08:12

Very normal

Lovemusic33 · 10/12/2020 08:16

Sounds pretty normal, I think I had my first boyfriend in year 7 (he was year 8) and then in year 8 I seemed to have a different boyfriend every few months. There wasn’t any gay relationships though, no one really came out when I was at school (I’m 38), it’s a bit different now as it seems cool to be gay or bi, dd says a lot of people at school have girlfriends/boyfriend, some have come out as gay/bi but don’t seem to have relationship at school but she’s now 6 form.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 08:16

Blimey we used to play kiss chase with the boys at primary school in the 1960’s.

I played kiss chase too but there was no suggestion we actually liked each other :)

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JeanMichelBisquiat · 10/12/2020 08:27

Shipped is just short for relationshipped, and does apply.across both sexes - don't worry, OP, it's not a commoditisation thing!

Catmint · 10/12/2020 08:34

Shipped mainly just seems to be short for ' in a relationship with'.

Shipping can also be similar to matchmaking. That's why in DD's situation, I felt that she and the boy both decided to say they were together, to get other people to stop 'shipping' them!

Don't worry, my DD understands what it means to be a feminist.

WillingWarlock · 10/12/2020 08:35

I am in my mid 40s and when I was in primary school there were six or seven “couples” in what was then fourth year junior. So 1985 ish. Not a new thing. They used to meet up in the evening in the park and there was some snogging involved, or so they claimed. So definitely not new.
But not everyone.

wildraisins · 10/12/2020 08:37

Sorry but I really don't understand what periods have got to do with anything.

Kids will behave socially in a certain way, following examples of their parents, classmates, popular culture etc. Having a boyfriend/ girlfriend at 11 really isn't anything to do with having a period, it's much more societal.

Also it is completely and utterly normal, and not just about "now" either, 11 year olds are old enough to understand the concept of a boyfriend/girlfriend, having a crush etc even if they don't know all the ins and outs of sexual relationships.

Even if you went back to the 50's/ 60's you would find 11 year olds saying they had boyfriends or girlfriends. Maybe not in every school, I'm sure some places would have severly frowned on it but the kids would still have had the feelings! It's a normal and natural part of exploring relationships. Don't worry about it!

Nottherealslimshady · 10/12/2020 08:39

Yeah we did. We didn't really do anything, except maybe a little kiss, although obviously some did as some were pregnant by 14!
For most of us it was just experimenting with having a boyfriend and I think it's a part of developing that emotional side of relationships long before you're ready to develop the physical side.

BiscuitDrama · 10/12/2020 08:40

We have two mixed schools, at one they are coupling up, at the other they aren’t.
At the girls school they aren’t, with either boys from elsewhere or with girls.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 08:40

Shipped is just short for relationshipped, and does apply.across both sexes - don't worry, OP, it's not a commoditisation thing!

Phew! :)

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Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 08:42

My friends children are at a boys school and there has been no mention of couples yet. Maybe those are different?

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wildraisins · 10/12/2020 08:43

@notevenat20

My friends children are at a boys school and there has been no mention of couples yet. Maybe those are different?

Well I can imagine that some boys schools may sadly have more homophobic vibes and it might be a bit taboo. I don't really know.

The point is that it's not weird for 11 year olds to have those feelings. It's natural and normal.

Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 08:44

My god, when i was in primary school (late 90s) we were "coupled up" from yr4 or 5! It's kids playing at being adults - we used to talk about who "fancied" who all the time from age 8 or 9 IIRC.

Also, crushes and puberty don't always coincide. I didn't get my first period til 14, but have very clear memories of being "in love" with my best friend when i was 6. I had a "boyfriend" about a year after that but i continued to have a crush the size of Gibraltar on that first girl well into my teens!

This is really normal.

Original poster

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 08:46

Also, crushes and puberty don't always coincide. I didn't get my first period til 14, but have very clear memories of being "in love" with my best friend when i was 6. I had a "boyfriend" about a year after that but i continued to have a crush the size of Gibraltar on that first girl well into my teens!

That’s a very good point. It had been so long I just thought you couldn’t really fancy someone before you hit puberty.

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Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 08:46

Also, the fact that children these days don't feel that they have to hide who they are and "cone out at uni" is a good thing, surely you realise that?

I'd really try and keep a handle on your responses to your daughter, this shock and discomfort could well be misinterpreted, and it would be fucking awful if she internalised shame around normal emotional development, or started to believe you are homophobic.

CarryOnWalking · 10/12/2020 08:46

Not normal with my dcs and their social circle.

My y8 couldn’t be less interested in girls. Some of my y10’s friends have boyfriends or girlfriends, most don’t.

Thesearmsofmine · 10/12/2020 08:48

Sounds totally normal and nothing to do with periods.

wildraisins · 10/12/2020 08:49

@notevenat20

Also, crushes and puberty don't always coincide. I didn't get my first period til 14, but have very clear memories of being "in love" with my best friend when i was 6. I had a "boyfriend" about a year after that but i continued to have a crush the size of Gibraltar on that first girl well into my teens!

That’s a very good point. It had been so long I just thought you couldn’t really fancy someone before you hit puberty.

Maybe not in a sexual way. But kids watch their environment, and the world is full of couples and love, so obviously they are going to be exploring what all that means to them! They are not just going to hit puberty and then a switch is flipped and suddenly they go "Oh! Relationships are a Thing!" and start having full on sexual relationships whent they previously knew nothing about it at all.

There is a middle ground of exploring. Just like every other area of development. Children don't just wake up one day and talk, for example - they play around with language and words for a very long time before they become fluent! It's the same with everything else, including relationships.

FunkBus · 10/12/2020 08:50

It's always been like that, it's totally meaningless most of the time.

The only difference is that same sex couples are more accepted (definitely was NOT at my school.)

thecatsthecats · 10/12/2020 08:51

Twenty years ago, having a boyfriend in year 7 meant calling him your boyfriend, occasionally swapping sweets on the bus and dancing together at the disco.

Year 8 upgraded to msn, and Year 9 was when the actual dates happened, though still usually actually just sitting next to each other as a part of a larger group. Often the "girlfriend and boyfriend" would bring a few mates of their sex who'd then match up with the other friends.

But then perhaps my school was a bit innocent!