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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is coupling up in year 7 now normal?

247 replies

notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 07:00

I expected to be too old to understand teenage relationships when my DC got there. But DS is in year 7 and has told me that lots of boys and girls in his year are coupling up as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then my friend with a DD in a girls school told me the same thing is happening there. As far as I know they are not actually doing anything physical but it seems so young! AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:14

As a Bi person who has been with a man since I was 18 I'm not living a heterosexual life. I'm a bisexual who happened to fall in love with a man. I'm still Bi... I'm still attracted to women through no choice of my own (though I wouldn't choose not to be).

I find this very interesting. I am heterosexual and happily married. I don't find other men attractive and haven't really since our relationship got serious. I guess it's horses for courses as ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:14

I think what upsets me more is kids of a similar age describing themselves as "asexual" because they haven't partnered up. I want to say "No, you're a child"

Argh! I haven't heard that but would hate it too.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/12/2020 11:15

@notevenat20

Girls are getting their periods in y6

That's not the experience of DD's friends. They seem to be getting their periods between 9 and 14 just like when I was a child.

@notevenat20 you should realise that your anecdotes aren’t reliable research.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2020/feb/10/girls-puberty-year-earlier

Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:16

@Cocomarine

Oh sorry I thought the suggestion was that year 6 was typical. Yes some girls get their period in year 6.

OP posts:
pilates · 10/12/2020 11:17

Yep totally normal in my day and I’m early 50’s.

Barmyfarmy · 10/12/2020 11:19

OP you really need to stop. You're spreading false and damaging information in an area which is clearly not your expertise and you're backing up baseless 'facts' and 'knowledge' from your own, frankly weird, experiences. Your DD doesn't know every single person her age and therefore you have no idea what children of her age actually are like.

Wishiwasincornwall · 10/12/2020 11:20

In my small village primary school there was only 3 girls (including me) in our year. In year 6 we swapped boyfriends like the boys swapped their football stickers. No kissing or hand holding though.

Got to high school and I had a crush on about 20 people in year 7.

Then had the absolute best, life consuming, heartbreaking, angsty teen crush on my brothers older friend from year 9.

Year 11 I got my first boyfriend but he was from a different town and a different school. And i lost my virginity to him on my 16th birthday.

Admittedly from year 9 onwards i was physically experimenting with girls and boys but not in a relationship.

CountFosco · 10/12/2020 11:20

I think it's inevitable that kids come out sooner than they did in the past. I'm in my 50s, SIL didn't tell her parents about her relationship with a woman until they'd been together several years, she was in her mid 30s at the time. MIL's immediate reaction was 'don't tell your father' and FIL's reaction was 'and how do you square that with your faith?'. Thankfully they did come round once they saw how happy her partner makes her.

In comparison the DC have never known anything but hetero and homosexual relationships being viewed as equal in the family, Aunty Louise and Aunty Carol are no less part of the family than Uncle Steve and Aunty Helen (not their real names). So why would they think their own sexuality is something to be hidden until they are adults?

I do think some kids start exploring early but there's nothing physical about the relationships at that early stage. I think if you don't have relationships till later then they progress more quickly, it's not that 2 12yo who've been together a month or two are doing the things that an adult couple would in the same timeframe.

Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:21

@CorianderQueen

As a Bi person who has been with a man since I was 18 I'm not living a heterosexual life. I'm a bisexual who happened to fall in love with a man. I'm still Bi... I'm still attracted to women through no choice of my own (though I wouldn't choose not to be).
This is literally word for word my experience.
TheSockMonster · 10/12/2020 11:22

@Ohalrightthen

Also, the fact that children these days don't feel that they have to hide who they are and "cone out at uni" is a good thing, surely you realise that?

I'd really try and keep a handle on your responses to your daughter, this shock and discomfort could well be misinterpreted, and it would be fucking awful if she internalised shame around normal emotional development, or started to believe you are homophobic.

It was me that made the comment about people waiting and coming out at uni @Ohalrightthen

It certainly wasn’t a good thing, hence my ‘back in the dark ages’ reference, and I very much hope my post didn’t imply that I thought it was.

Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:23

notevenat20 you should realise that your anecdotes aren’t reliable research.

Definitely no claim to science but 9 to 14 doesn't seem a bad estimate today either. I am sure there are some who are 8 or 15 but probably not many. For science, see the attached (from 1932 :) )

Is coupling up in year 7 now normal?
OP posts:
Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:25

OP you really need to stop. You're spreading false and damaging information in an area which is clearly not your expertise and you're backing up baseless 'facts' and 'knowledge' from your own, frankly weird, experiences. Your DD doesn't know every single person her age and therefore you have no idea what children of her age actually are like.

I don't think I am spreading any information, false or not. I mean except for specific info about my friends or DC. What information do you feel I am spreading?

Also, what experience of mine are you calling weird?

OP posts:
CorianderQueen · 10/12/2020 11:25

Yes but 1932 was a century ago. Puberty had become earlier since then.

Is coupling up in year 7 now normal?
Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:26

@thesockmonster - OP said it too, that people didn't come out til they'd left school.

And no, your post didn't imply that it was a good thing at all, no worries.

Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:27

Yes but 1932 was a century ago. Puberty had become earlier since then.

Yes, sorry, it was meant to be funny.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:27

@notevenat20

OP you really need to stop. You're spreading false and damaging information in an area which is clearly not your expertise and you're backing up baseless 'facts' and 'knowledge' from your own, frankly weird, experiences. Your DD doesn't know every single person her age and therefore you have no idea what children of her age actually are like.

I don't think I am spreading any information, false or not. I mean except for specific info about my friends or DC. What information do you feel I am spreading?

Also, what experience of mine are you calling weird?

I think PP is talking about your "since i met my husband i have never found another man attractive" thing. That's really not normal.
Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:28

And no, your post didn't imply that it was a good thing at all, no worries.

It was clearly a bad thing! At least from the experience of the people I knew.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/12/2020 11:29

Why on earth are you posting a table that’s near on 100 years old, when I have given you a link to a 2020 credible summary of recent research?

Range is not mean, mode or median of menarche. If you have a child with the 9-14 age range yourself, they’ll be able to explain that to you! The concepts are covered in KS2 and early KS3 maths.

Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:29

I think PP is talking about your "since i met my husband i have never found another man attractive" thing. That's really not normal.

I don't know if it's normal or not. As I say, it's an active choice I make. But I am not really comfortable being called a weirdo for the choices I have made about who to find attractive.

OP posts:
Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:30

Why on earth are you posting a table that’s near on 100 years old, when I have given you a link to a 2020 credible summary of recent research?

It was meant to be funny (and quite interesting)! I don't like it when conversations become all serious and confrontational.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/12/2020 11:31

@notevenat20

I think PP is talking about your "since i met my husband i have never found another man attractive" thing. That's really not normal.

I don't know if it's normal or not. As I say, it's an active choice I make. But I am not really comfortable being called a weirdo for the choices I have made about who to find attractive.

So if it’s an “active” choice, then you have found another man attractive, and chosen to suppress that feel, or distract yourself from it, or avoid the trigger person.

If you simply haven’t felt attracted to anyone then it’s not an active choice at all, so your piety medal needs to be returned.

Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:34

@notevenat20

I think PP is talking about your "since i met my husband i have never found another man attractive" thing. That's really not normal.

I don't know if it's normal or not. As I say, it's an active choice I make. But I am not really comfortable being called a weirdo for the choices I have made about who to find attractive.

Is it a choice to not find someone attractive, or a choice not to dwell on the attractiveness?

Because if you can genuinely choose who you do and don't want to bone, you are 1 in about 3 billion.

Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:35

So if it’s an “active” choice, then you have found another man attractive, and chosen to suppress that feel, or distract yourself from it, or avoid the trigger person.

I feel this isn't going to go anywhere. I guess it's suppressed even before it starts but I can't give you a medical explanation for how the brain works. But I am sure I can't be alone in not being turned on by people who aren't their partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
notevenat20 · 10/12/2020 11:36

Because if you can genuinely choose who you do and don't want to bone, you are 1 in about 3 billion.

Is that really the right expression? I think you are wrong but I have no facts and figures for this part of the conversation.

OP posts:
AlwaysBehindTheCurve · 10/12/2020 11:38

Surely for most, the choice is not to act on the attraction? Not to not find them attractive at all. I’ve never heard of anyone being able to choose not to find someone attractive... you either do or you don’t.
I find many men attractive but actively choose not to act upon the attraction, as I’m happily married.