Was this mean of me?

[CrotchBurn]

Okay, so I have a friend who is a single mother to two boys. Her job doesn't pay very well at all, and so when we go out, I'll often just pick up the tab, maybe 5 times out of 10. Then maybe 4 times out of 10 we'll go halves, and once every 10 times she'll pick up the tab. I'm fairly comfortable but not loaded. Over the years it has slightly grated on me that she often wont make any move whatsoever to reach for her wallet. She also does stuff like pinch my smokes but in such a nice way I camt say anything. She can also do some stuff that i frankly find weird, such as the time people sent her cheques for her sons communion, she didnt cash them, then two years decided to cash them and called everyone to ask them to write new ones 😂👀👀👀

So anyway, she helped me move house, and we went for lunch that day (I paid). I also bought her a bouquet from a proper florist (not garage flowers) to say thank you.

So a few days later she was in town for something, and I said why dont we go out for a bite to eat once you're done (note the phrasing), it's on me.

She comes around later and in the meantime I had had some fuck up with my flat and was quite frazzled. I quickly got my phone out and googled for something nearby (I didnt know the area yet). I found an italian and thought great, pizza would be just the thing.

We get to the restaurant, step inside and are instantly whisked away to table, all while I'm clocking the place and thinking "oh fuck". This wasnt the mom and pop pizza and pasta joint I had expected at all, it was a proper posh italian restaurants with white tablecloths and osso bucco, convoluted risotto etc.

We sit down and I immediately say to her "fuck, this is much higher end than I expected. I'm massively underdressed" (I was wearing clothes I'd been cleaning the flat in).

The waiter comes over and she proceeds to fucking go wild! She orders an Aperol spritz as an aperitif (okay...) then when he comes back, she proceeds to order a starter and has already aired thoughts on dessert after the main, too. The final straw for me came when the waiter said what would you like to drink with your main?

She orders a bottle of prosecco!!! I'm not even going to get into how wrong it is (IMO) to have prosecco with your food (isnt that a kind of aperitif wine? Anyway, off topic). At this stage I'm quite pissed off, mainly because she wouldnt be ordering any of this if it was her paying. I'm frustrated with the flat, frustrated with me not having checked the restaurant properly beforehand and also frustrated with her.

So I said: "Look this is way higher end than I expected, and it's also way more than I thought you would order, so we're going to have to go halves this time". Because I was angry I said it in quite a cold way.

She looked fucking crushed, so hurt. I felt terrible. At the end of the meal, I just paid for it all. I felt so bad. I felt I had really been mean and ruined the evening. Even though I ended up paying for it anyway, I still feel bad like I didnt have a generous attitude.

So what do you think?
And by the way, for the covid detectives on the early shift: this happened between lockdowns.

@Crotch - exactly. She was cheeky. You were mean in the heat of the moment.
What are you going to do now? Can you let go of the resentment, clear the air and reset expectations of the friendship?

The OP wouldn’t have had to be unkind if CF friend had behaved like a normal, socially clued-up person.

CF has learnt a lesson, hopefully. Good.

Well OP... you now have a warning and no doubt you will not be so generous when it comes to your friendship in the future. The friend was stupid with this, she's shot herself in the foot because instead of being happy to treat her, not thinking about the gesture, you will watch what you offer so it's her loss.

That happened with my friend and the holiday. And a couple of other instances of my generosity being abused.
We were the same size and I once gave her an expensive dress I was going to sell on Ebay. Then when she was at my house she went through my wardrobe trying to talk me into handing over lots of other clothes to her
Our friendship has died.

I don't understand why people sit and fume when someone they have known for years does something like this. You're sitting at the table looking at the menu. Who doesn't talk about what they are having and say something like "let's go for a main and pudding". When she orders prosecco who wouldn't say "I don't think I need half a bottle of prosecco for lunch - are you sure you want that?"
But this wasn't the time to start attacking her.

Yes, this gravy train is well and truly over for CF friend.

No more free lunches for her. 🚂

I think you sound like a very generous person OP, but you have been over generous here, and this has done two things - perhaps given your friend the impression that money is no object for you, and also you've set up a dynamic where she has become so used to you paying for most things that she clearly almost has a sense of entitlement.

I think that, because of this, and you feel like she perhaps isn't as grateful as she should be and had got to the point where she has crossed the line etiquette wise, your resentment has slowly built up over time and then reached a pinnacle.

I think what you need to do is start finding activities that you can do together that you can both afford, go for a walk, grab a coffee instead of lunch/dinner, or ale her round to your house for a meal.

I agree, that it is just not the done thing to order whatever the hell you want off a menu - if the host says have whatever you want, then that's a bit different, but even then most of us would go middle of the road, or wait to see what the host is ordering before making our decision.

She maybe just not used to the whole etiquette surrounding this, she may also not be financially savvy to the point where she doesn't realise just how much money you are spending on her.

It's lovely you bought her florist flowers, but you really didn't need to.
It's lovely you treated her to lunch, but then within a short time period you are footing the bill again for dinner.

I think she is out of order for the things she ordered, however, you can't drop a bombshell on someone midway or at the end of a meal and say you have to split it, you're moving the goal posts there.

I used to have a friendship like this, I really enjoyed their company, and loved going out lunching with them, we'd always order a bottle of champagne, and I would always pick up the tab (many years ago, before DC!) I'll never forget meeting them and their bf for a meal one night and I went to see how much the bill was and my friend bf said, we'll split the bill and my friend said "no, it's ok sugarcoatit will get it" their bf looked mortified and insisted we split the bill but it was a glaring lesson for me, and I realised I'd created the situation but realised just how I was being taken advantage of.

Time to scale back.

All these people saying justleave and find somewhere else, at the moment that is really hard to do.
We went away in the summer and trying to get booked in to places to eat was a pain in the bum.
Turning up on spur of the moment wasn't allowed. Most places fully booked due to reduced capacity

If I was the friend, as soon as my mate made a comment about it being high end I'd have suggested we just get up and go somewhere else. They don't chain us to chairs do they? I would always do that if I look at a menu and it's not what I wanted for any reason.

But this wasn't the time to start attacking her

When did the the OP attack her?
She didn't.

Just be wary from now on OP, you've had your eyes opened.

@Roussette
That's funny a very similar thing happened with mine! I had a really good quality pair of boots that I didnt wear anymore and thought she would like them. Gave them to her and then maybe two days later I saw she was selling them on FB! I know on MN the line is that if you give something it becomes theirs to do what they want with, but me personally I probably would have texted to be like "do you want these back or maybe you want to sell them? Because otherwise I will".

I think going forward I will just need to be more explicit. Also she does invite me around to hers a lot and although I would rather go out (in non covid times!) I will need to start doing so more because otherwise it's not fair of me.

If I was the friend, as soon as my mate made a comment about it being high end I'd have suggested we just get up and go somewhere else.

In a booked restaurant? Why wouldn’t you assume your friend - who asked you out for a meal and chose the place - knew she could or couldn’t afford it?

It wasn’t like they walked in off the street. The OP said let’s go out for a meal. The friend came back later. So we can assume the OP reserved a table.

@SugarCoatIt
That is TERRIBLE. I cant believe she actually flat out said that! That's just awful.

It really does sound like OP was having a bad day and then friends behaviour tipped her over the edge.

If you value her friendship and she sounds like she has been there and helped you out in ways she can eg your house move. Just tell her your budgeting and from now you’ll both have to pay for what you buy. Or split takeaways or whatever.

Her financial situation isn’t yours to subsidise.

I do think it’s the height of rudeness to order loads when someone else is paying. I’ve never done that and wouldn’t even think of it.

@flaviaritt
Why would you assume I'd booked a table? We had both had long days and I didnt want us to be trogging down streets looking for somewhere so was googling as we left the flat.

Why would you assume I'd booked a table? We had both had long days and I didnt want us to be trogging down streets looking for somewhere so was googling as we left the flat.

I think it’s a reasonable assumption with a high end restaurant and a couple of hours’ notice. But if you didn’t, you only have to say.

And if you didn’t, you could easily have said “Let’s go somewhere else.” No?

She’s cheeky. As soon as you said this is higher end then expected then she should of just ordered a main and a drink and left it as that.

To order a bottle of prosseco is down right rude!

Also the selling the boots thing is cheeky as fuck.

You can't take someone out for a meal you've offered to pay for and then say oh no, it's too expensive and ask them to pay half - I know you didn't do this in the end but you did say this to her. If you've offered to pay then you pay. I do think she was a bit cheeky though with the Aperol and the pudding - if I could see it was an expensive place and someone offered to pay for dinner I would only order cheap stuff and be guided by them as to what we were having in the way of drinks/puddings.

YANBU. You did choose the restaurant without researching and you could have left when you realised how expensive it was so for that, YABU. However your friend is a general pisstaker and it sounds like she regularly takes advantage of you.

She's taking the piss, though you've set a precedent. However, I would NEVER accept this sort of generosity on a regular basis.

Whether you have set the precedent or not, it's up to HER to acknowledge your kindness, and not take advantage of it.

In the instance of this last high end restaurant, unfortunately you set it up, but her blasé attitude towards ordering, are grounds (IMO) for distancing myself from her. No decent friend, however poor, would do this.

This is coming from someone who has, over the years, been perceived to be 'well off'(single parent and low paid job) and therefore open to financial abuse of 'friends'. I stopped the generous gestures many moons ago. I feel liberated!

[quote CrotchBurn]@User43210
Thanks for your considered reply, the stomach in knots thing is something I can imagine, and its what made me feel mean. This wasnt clear in my OP, but when I say I normally pick up the tab I meant for drinks and coffees, we would very rarely go out to eat.

Genuinely dont get the writing thing, i write like i talk, I think it makes it easier to follow what's going on[/quote]
I'm glad you've taken this the right way and not gotten offended at my reply.

Well if there is no precedent for lunches, in your friends shoes I would have asked you what we could order and she was cheeky for ordering what she did. Although, as you agree, I think dropping the "split the bill" was a bit harsh, maybe I would have made a comment about the expense and it's a bit much and she could have cancelled the prosecco or offered to pay for the drinks or something.

I think it was a lose/lose situation, next time you have a similar situation with someone just say "gee it's a bit expensive, shall we go elsewhere and splurge or just have mains?"

I hope the additional comment about writing wasn't at me I didn't comment on this!

I think your friend totally took advantage of your generous offer. If my friend was treating me to lunch, there is noway I would order all that much food and drink! I just wouldn't!

I think because you've been so generous in the past she didn't even think twice about 'going wild' when ordering. However of course you should have maybe said something when you got to the restaurant.

What's your friendship like now, have you talked since the meal?

@Roussette

My heart goes out to your friend who ordered with the belief you were paying then spent the whole meal, probably with her stomach in knots, wondering how she's going to afford the food shop for her and DC that week as she was invited to an expensive restaurant and now has to pay half what she wasn't expecting

Really?

Someone who has the brass neck to order an Aperol Spritzer, a bottle of Prosecco, a starter main and talk about dessert will not be sitting there with their stomach in knots because the person paying says 'Shit, this is expensive'. What a nerve. And she never had to pay anyway, the OP did.

This happens a lot I think. You are kind to someone and slowly they take advantage. I was kind and generous to a friend I knew... nearly always paying for stuff as I had more money etc. Then bit by bit she started taking advantage, expecting it, just assuming and wanting more and more until it got ridiculuous. She didn't start off like this but I started to feel used.

Yes I stand by it because, if you read my full post, we needed to know if they usually go all out for lunches, in which case it was SOP to just order as usual.

Now I know otherwise, as the OP was understanding of my post - and agreed, I agree the friend should not have ordered as she did.

I do find the "you need to pay half" horrible, as does OP. And would have been on the OP's side if she has said something to let the friend know she ordered a lot at an expensive place, but not dropped the bill comment before eating.

@Buttercream22

I think your friend totally took advantage of your generous offer. If my friend was treating me to lunch, there is noway I would order all that much food and drink! I just wouldn't!

I think because you've been so generous in the past she didn't even think twice about 'going wild' when ordering. However of course you should have maybe said something when you got to the restaurant.

What's your friendship like now, have you talked since the meal?

Isn’t this assuming the op had no personal responsibility here? And she’s not clarified what she ordered, I doubt the woman was sitting eating and drinking whilst the op watched..

She took the piss with her excessive ordering, definitely.

You should have been more upfront right at the beginning though. Say directly that this is far more expensive than you had thought so would she mind very much just ordering main course and a drink, split the bill or each pay for your own? That way you aren't springing it on her part way through when she has already got into her stride. I'd bet then that she would have been much less extravagant.

I would rethink how you manage things when you do go out to eat. You have just moved house. Say that this and a lot of associated things are costing you a lot of money at the moment. Therefore, you would love to see her but will need it to be at either your place or hers, or to split the bill/each pay for yourselves if you go to a café.

You specifically told her you were buying lunch so to snap and say you'd have to go halves is weird even if it was expensive.
However, I do think she's a bit cheeky to expect to be paid for all the time.