To wonder why my MIL thinks DH gave me a black eye

[MrsMannieSouth]

Usually only lurk in here however this has been bothering me a lot and has made me questions DH. So the other day while looking after DS who is a handful i ended up getting a black eye after he hit me with a toy. It looked much worse than it felt.

So during a family zoom call with my in-laws MIL was questioning me about my black eye and I explained to her that it was DS who hit me with a toy. Like I said before DS is a handful which MIL knows well. After the zoom call I then get a text from MIL asking if I was ok. She then asked me via text “who gave you the back eye” which I then repeated was DS. She message back with “are you sure?”. Then put that “ if DH has touched you you need to tell me.I won’t allow him to touch you that way”. Then asked me again “how did you get the black eye”. I decided not to reply immediately as I felt weirded out by the whole thing. She had tried to call me a few minutes later. The whole thing was strange. I told her the final time that it was DS and explained everything to her. So now I am questioning why my MIL thinks that DH would touch me inappropriately. I feel it’s a huge red flag. I haven’t told DH about it as I don’t want there to be any problem with him and MIL. I have created a lot of theories in my head about the whole thing. It’s just really strange.

YABU- if you think I’m overthinking this.
YANBU- if you think this is a huge red flag

Thanks for the help.

I am bemused that your thinking your MIl is BU to question you privately about a black eye. If i saw any of my DS wifes with black eyes I would probably do the same. As it is highly unusual for a childs toy to do such obvious damage. I would be pleased that she reached out away from her own DS as it shows she cares as a woman to woman. My mother was beaten black and blue by my father and my nana whilst she was devastated made clear that her son will always be her son....so you should feel pleased she has your back

I think your mil is an angel. She was worried about you and given the pandemic she is aware we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. She's simply telling you that if anything ever did happen you could go to her and she would believe you no questions asked. It shows she cares about your wellbeing.

She’s looking out for you just in case. I don’t think there’s anything more to it. She has your back. Be thankful and use it if you need to.

how long have you been with dh-is it possible he hit someone prviously and shes worried

Some people's minds just do seem to leap to domestic violence if they can see visible injuries. When my SIL was mugged and had a black eye, a number of people told her she should LTB, he wasn't worth it. At the time she wasn't even in a relationship.

Be thankful she's not one on those mothers who always side with their little darling, regardless of what a shit he's being.
Possibly either she has been a victim of DV in the past, or had a friend/relative or colleague who has been.
I certainly wouldn't see it as signalling that she expects her son to behave like that.

I think she was being nice too. I'm sure no mum wants to think their son is capable of raising a hand to a woman, but the fact is some men do and it's usually well hidden. She was showing solidarity and that she cares about you independently of your relationship with her son.

My BIL was NC with his mother for years after he hit her when he was a teen. She would have had contact but he was too ashamed to speak to her.

What she has said about your DS being a handful and implying that your DH was, makes me wonder if her DV experience came from your DH and she is worried that he is hitting you as he perhaps hit her.

Hi OP, i echo above posters when they say to have a private chat with MIL. I've currently got a black eye (see attached pic) - i got it from bending down to stop my dogs treats from falling when I opened the cupboard and hit my eye on the corner of the cupboard door.

Everyone in my family (my dad included) have basically called me an idiot and to be more careful. That's because there's no history with my DP that he could ever be violent. He's as far from it as you can get. Even my best friend didn't bat an eye, because of the same reasons (and that I'm quite accident prone).

My point is, there has to be some reason for your MIL to be saying these things, otherwise it'd just be laughed off like everyone has with me.

@MrsMannieSouth

I guess I am overthinking things. She doesn't act like what I would expect from a MIL she’s not over protective of him or critical of me at all. It’s usually the completely opposite. She’s does really like me a lot. She loves spending time with me and DS. She’s found it difficult not seeing us often this year. She’s just not been what expect from a MIL. Don’t get me wrong it’s great but with that incident it’s made me question a few things. Maybe I’m just really lucky to have a good MIL.

My MIL is like this and I think it’s because she loved her MIL and had an abusive upbringing herself from her parents so Her MIL was the one she went to for help with my DH and BIL when they were small.

She doesn’t have a great impression of men in general though and believes firmly that women need to stick together.

I think she sounds supportive. Best advice would be to ask outright what has made her worry- she sounds like she is up for open and honest dialogue, which is amazing.

If you are comfortable doing so, you could reassure her that you would speak to her if anything ever happened.

Do YOU have worries about your DH though - this seems to have rattled you in a way it might not if you have no worries in that department at all. Many women would laugh at the idea of their DPs being violent.

You have an ally there - make the most of her :)

@MrsMannieSouth

Thanks for the replies. I do hope she is just being supportive. It just felt a bit strange really. There was a when they have had NC I think it was during his late teens. DH doesn’t talk about it much though nor has MIL. I was planning on asking him for more information after the texts from MIL however thought it would be better not to.

Also with DS he can be very angry at times and we have been having some problem with him. One thing that MIL keeps saying is that DH was the same and I will have it get used to it. She often comes out with a lot of negative comments about DH. She will only say these comments when DH isn’t present. It’s really strange to me. It’s like she’s scared of him or knows something about DH that I don’t.

It is possible she went through a period when your dh was violent towards her, as a teen maybe? It is more common than people realise but it is so taboo that not many people talk about it. I went through a bad 18 months with my dd when she was 14 where she sometimes hit me, bad enough to leave bruising and she was tiny, im a big tall woman. We later discovered she has ASD and the violence was during autistic meltdowns where she lost control of herself. She has better support now and hasn't done anything like this for years.

Some people have a saviour complex and convince themselves someone is in danger and they have to help.
My mum had a huge argument with a woman from her church after my mum fell and injured her face. My mums friend was certain that I was abusing her and wouldn’t believe my mum when she said I wasn’t.

I wonder if FIL has been violent in the past?