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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my MIL thinks DH gave me a black eye

164 replies

MrsMannieSouth · 09/12/2020 18:32

Usually only lurk in here however this has been bothering me a lot and has made me questions DH. So the other day while looking after DS who is a handful i ended up getting a black eye after he hit me with a toy. It looked much worse than it felt.

So during a family zoom call with my in-laws MIL was questioning me about my black eye and I explained to her that it was DS who hit me with a toy. Like I said before DS is a handful which MIL knows well. After the zoom call I then get a text from MIL asking if I was ok. She then asked me via text “who gave you the back eye” which I then repeated was DS. She message back with “are you sure?”. Then put that “ if DH has touched you you need to tell me.I won’t allow him to touch you that way”. Then asked me again “how did you get the black eye”. I decided not to reply immediately as I felt weirded out by the whole thing. She had tried to call me a few minutes later. The whole thing was strange. I told her the final time that it was DS and explained everything to her. So now I am questioning why my MIL thinks that DH would touch me inappropriately. I feel it’s a huge red flag. I haven’t told DH about it as I don’t want there to be any problem with him and MIL. I have created a lot of theories in my head about the whole thing. It’s just really strange.

YABU- if you think I’m overthinking this.
YANBU- if you think this is a huge red flag

Thanks for the help.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 09/12/2020 19:34

This will be due to her own experience of being hurt by men

Original poster
MrsMannieSouth · 09/12/2020 19:35

Yeah I think I’m gonna ask her why she seemed to think DH would hit more or touch me inappropriately. She does really likes me a lot however the way she talks about DH with me privately is really bothering me. I’m going to ask her about the NC situation as well. I really hope she is just being a great MIL however something is a bit sus to me. My own mother and sister didn’t act anything like that when they saw it, they all understand how DS behaves and started talking about his behaviour . When I initially was on zoom when I was asked about it all the other in laws where talking about DS behaviour apart from MIL who was just silent with a strange look the whole time. She’s the only one to actually text me back about it no one else did, not even my side of the family.

So either she’s absolutely amazing or something severe has happened in the past that I don’t know about.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 19:37

So either she’s absolutely amazing or something severe has happened in the past that I don’t know about.

And maybe both those things OP!

Refreshing for an in law to be concerned enough to check you're ok, she sounds like a great ally.

But yes I would feel how you did - that there must be a reason she feels it is possible he did it, so would have a chat with her. Sounds like she will be open to it.

Hope your eye gets better soon by the way, sounds painful! Thanks

DigitalChristmas · 09/12/2020 19:39

Would you consider a Claire’s law request? It would highlight any concerns in regards to DV raised with the police.

notacooldad · 09/12/2020 19:42

So either she’s absolutely amazing or something severe has happened in the past that I don’t know about
Or both?

Daisy12Maisie · 09/12/2020 19:44

My sons are lovely. They are only 11 and 13.
Their dad assaulted me so badly my injuries were described as similar to if I had been in a car crash. If one of their wives had a black eye in the future I would ask the question.
Its so so common its the first thing a lot of people would think of.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/12/2020 19:45

You need to speak to her, by phone if not in person and listen to her.

Probably her own history but it could be something about your DH. You'll never know if you don't ask, prepared to listen.

Justnormajean · 09/12/2020 19:47

@Porridgeoat

This will be due to her own experience of being hurt by men
Not necessarily, but may she be very aware of the reality of DV, and just doing what any informed and thoughtful person should do: Gently probe and reassure that a victim will be believed and supported.

OP I think it’s great she's got your back, even though it sounds like you don’t need it.

Northernparent68 · 09/12/2020 19:49

Op, she’ll only drop poison in your ear. Forget about it, and if you can’t ask your sil. Please do not assume she is a caring nice woman.

mellicauli · 09/12/2020 19:52

Maybe he got into fights when he was a boy. Most kids grow out of it.

Temporary1234 · 09/12/2020 19:54

Op, she’ll only drop poison in your ear. Forget about it, and if you can’t ask your sil. Please do not assume she is a caring nice woman.

There is no winning for mothers in law is there !

Pearsapiece · 09/12/2020 19:55

This actually happened to my parents years ago.
It was Christmas morning and my dad rolled over to say good morning to my mum and his elbow hit my mum in the face and gave her a massive fat lip for all of Xmas and boxing day. It was huge, blue and had split her lip too where it hit her teeth.
They went to my dad's parents for Xmas day and both my nan and grandad separately took my mum off to check it was an accident. They were just concerned bless them. And my dad had no violent history that they were hinting at.
Sometimes people just care. Talk to you dh

Justnormajean · 09/12/2020 19:59

@Northernparent68

Op, she’ll only drop poison in your ear. Forget about it, and if you can’t ask your sil. Please do not assume she is a caring nice woman.
This is one of the vilest things I’ve ever read on here. You must fucking hate women
WeatherwaxOn · 09/12/2020 19:59

I think she's being considerate and making sure you know she has your back if you needed it. Pics suggestion upthread is good, but if your DH has no history of being short-tempered or aggressive at all, then it's just concern, surely?

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/12/2020 20:02

Maybe she does know something and it's reasonable to ask her when your dh is not around.

However it could well be just kindness . My exmil once made a big thing about telling me if exdh ever hit me I should walk away and she would back me. She went really over the top and basically hinted exdh had tendencies to DV.

He has never and abhors DV. I divorced Exdh for 593739 but absolutely not that one n I can absolutely say he would never and has never even considered raising a hand to me or his DC. Exmil had a horrendous experience of DV with exdh df. It was horrific for her and genuinely made her assume her DS would follow suit .

It was all her reaction to her experience , understandable but completely off base.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/12/2020 20:03

593789 reasons

DPotter · 09/12/2020 20:04

When my DP has depression and we were going through a really bad patch, I was asked by 2 people I'm very close to, if he was being physically abusive.

I just saw this as being thoughtful and supportive.

diddl · 09/12/2020 20:04

@QuizzlyBear

Personally I'd assume that this is more about her past / background than your DH's.
Yes-hopefully she would have warned Op before she married if there was cause to.

Mil does seem to have pushed it rather.

bumblingbovine49 · 09/12/2020 20:06

It may be that your DH had some behaviour problems at school and as a teenager . He sounds like he has outgrown them but maybe his mum remembers them all too well.

BIL.was similar, very wild teen years, fighting, even car theft and short stint in prison ( months not years i but he has been a.model citizen since and is in his 60s now. He has never laid a finger on his wife or daughter ( or anyone ) since and is a big softie really now. It can be hard to forget though if you had to go through it as a parent.

TruffleShuffles · 09/12/2020 20:12

This would concern me too but like others said it could be that she has been involved with abusive men previously and that’s where her concern comes from rather than thinking your DH is capable to abuse.

I’ve managed to have about 3 black eyes during my entire relationship with my DH, I’m ridiculously clumsy, and not once has my mother in law shown any concern like this. I don’t see it as being normal for a mother to presume her son is capable of abuse if they’ve not had prior bad experiences themselves or seen something in their child to show they are capable of this.

Wife2b · 09/12/2020 20:15

It is possible that he has a domestic violence history. However it could also be that she has a history as a victim of domestic violence in current/previous relationships and is looking out for you. Only you know your OH.

Rockdown2020 · 09/12/2020 20:17

I think it’s actually a positive that she has made sure that this isn’t something more serious. I wouldn’t say it was something that should worry you.

WunWun · 09/12/2020 20:21

These responses are so weird. Of course it's a red flag. I would be very very surprised if he doesn't have a history of violence towards women if his own mum finds you reason hard to believe.

Definitely don't ask your DH about it Confused

I would contact her by phone and ask her exactly what she knows.

LH1987 · 09/12/2020 20:21

Maybe he was an angry teen and then grew out of it and she is just making sure you’re okay . If he hasn’t given you any indication that he is violent I wouldn’t worry.

Also maybe MIL has had previous experience of domestic violence and was triggered by how you looked.

Nomorepies · 09/12/2020 20:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request