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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my MIL thinks DH gave me a black eye

164 replies

MrsMannieSouth · 09/12/2020 18:32

Usually only lurk in here however this has been bothering me a lot and has made me questions DH. So the other day while looking after DS who is a handful i ended up getting a black eye after he hit me with a toy. It looked much worse than it felt.

So during a family zoom call with my in-laws MIL was questioning me about my black eye and I explained to her that it was DS who hit me with a toy. Like I said before DS is a handful which MIL knows well. After the zoom call I then get a text from MIL asking if I was ok. She then asked me via text “who gave you the back eye” which I then repeated was DS. She message back with “are you sure?”. Then put that “ if DH has touched you you need to tell me.I won’t allow him to touch you that way”. Then asked me again “how did you get the black eye”. I decided not to reply immediately as I felt weirded out by the whole thing. She had tried to call me a few minutes later. The whole thing was strange. I told her the final time that it was DS and explained everything to her. So now I am questioning why my MIL thinks that DH would touch me inappropriately. I feel it’s a huge red flag. I haven’t told DH about it as I don’t want there to be any problem with him and MIL. I have created a lot of theories in my head about the whole thing. It’s just really strange.

YABU- if you think I’m overthinking this.
YANBU- if you think this is a huge red flag

Thanks for the help.

OP posts:
overoptimism · 09/12/2020 20:24

I think I would ask her.

Honeylemontea · 09/12/2020 20:24

She is just trying to be supportive. Don’t over think, you are just lucky.

diddl · 09/12/2020 20:25

@WunWun

These responses are so weird. Of course it's a red flag. I would be very very surprised if he doesn't have a history of violence towards women if his own mum finds you reason hard to believe.

Definitely don't ask your DH about it Confused

I would contact her by phone and ask her exactly what she knows.

Well it is a worry that her first thought would be that her son has hit his wife.
ittakes2 · 09/12/2020 20:32

I would think that an extended family member is known for domestic violence and she is more sensitive to it. I would not suspect your hubby has a past if you have not seen anything.

VenusTiger · 09/12/2020 20:34

I reckon DH's dad was maybe physically abusive towards her long ago @MrsMannieSouth and she's worried her son is following in his foot steps. It'll explain her support.

TheWichitaWineOne · 09/12/2020 20:38

These responses are so weird. Of course it's a red flag. I would be very very surprised if he doesn't have a history of violence towards women if his own mum finds you reason hard to believe

I'm a little surprised by the responses as well. While I'm not 100% 'red flag' territory, I'm not so far away from it either.

Your MiL's reaction was very unusual and I think you should definitely speak with her and probe her reaction - it sounds as though your relationship with her would enable this.

diddl · 09/12/2020 20:39

@Honeylemontea

She is just trying to be supportive. Don’t over think, you are just lucky.
Surely supportive would be her believing Op if she has said it was her husband?
apostropheuse · 09/12/2020 20:40

I wonder why they were NC at one point. Sons have been known to hit their own mothers.

yelyah22 · 09/12/2020 20:42

The fact that:

  1. She hides things from your husband or is scared to speak openly in front of him
  1. She doesn't believe your story
  1. You didn't immediately dismiss it as absolute nonsense (if my MIL had said the same to me, I'd have laughed and said 'don't be ridiculous' and never given it a second thought)
  1. Your husband is 'angry' with your child
  1. The estrangement and their relationship generally

Suggests to me that you should be on your guard a little bit. It's all a bit odd - that you didn't immediately dismiss it as nonsense to me is the biggest issue, because it suggests you have reservations somewhere. Not that someone who wouldn't think it of their partner is any less at risk - there are plenty of abusive partners who don't give off no red flags until they do something - but that you have even a miniscule inkling there could be something there that's a concern to me says he's displayed behaviour in the past that worries you.

Speak to your MIL - but, in the interests of safety, make sure you do it in person or over the phone when he's no chance of overhearing. If, in a worst case scenario, he has proven himself to be abusive in the past, I can't imagine he would take it being discussed between you both well. And, if she is just being overly concerned for no reason, he'll be hurt to think you don't trust him.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/12/2020 20:43

My friend's MIL assumed bruises on her arm were from her son and not her falling into something. She jumped straight to that false conclusion and wouldn't believe otherwise.

Earlier this year he punched my friend for the first time. The MIL said she was waiting for it to happen. Apparently the father had a temper but never lashed out at others; the son has always taken out his anger on women.

starfishmummy · 09/12/2020 20:45

Thus us Mumsnet and even worse its AIBU. By now half the posters will have invented some huge backstory by now.

Shes being supportive.

yelyah22 · 09/12/2020 20:45

Oh apologies, I read the bit about your child/DH being 'angry' wrong. But that in itself is still a concern - she clearly had experienced your DH being angry as a child and maybe a teen, in a way that worries her enough to mention it.

Beautiful3 · 09/12/2020 20:47

Sounds like she is being supportive. She is caring and wants to ensure you're safe, she sounds fab.

JabberGiraffe · 09/12/2020 20:51

That would freak me out too @MrsMannieSouth

I would either do a Claire's Law Request, or ask her in confidence if there was anything in DHs past that you should be aware of.

I agree she seems to be being supportive though, but it would still be a red flag for me.

Emeraldshamrock · 09/12/2020 20:52

It is a bit strange. If my MIL thought DP hit me she'd lay his ass out though she'd never assume he did.
Was MIL a victim of domestic violence.

madcatladyforever · 09/12/2020 20:52

Its really hard. My son has been brought up never to lay hands on a woman and I'm 99.9% sure anything like this would ever happen but if I saw my DIL sporting a black eye I'd sure as hell want to know what happened and would probably ask the same question. I'm very impressed she asked.

Oldbutstillgotit · 09/12/2020 20:54

I think she is being supportive . I know of at least 2 women who have had bruises , black eyes etc which they insisted were innocent but I turned out it was DV .

PatriciaPerch · 09/12/2020 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizadork · 09/12/2020 21:03

She might have experience with domestic abuse, whether herself and someone close to her ..... trying to be supportive not a red flag and good to know despite being the mother of your husband, she has your back as a fellow woman. I would talk to her rather than avoid her, she is coming from a place of care and concern.

Yeahnahmum · 09/12/2020 21:07

He's obviously has a past in hitting his ex or his mum....

Sweet that she texted you though op. A mil thst actually likes you. Doesnt seem to happen a lot on mumsnet 😅

DonnaDonna01 · 09/12/2020 21:08

She could just be a really good MIL but to be totally honest I would never jump to the conclusion that my son had hit his wife unless there was a reason why I thought him capable of such a thing. It’s not normal for a mother to jump to the conclusion that her son could be violent like that. I think there is an issue here and it’s either your husband has done something in the past or your MIL is not the person you think she is and is trying to make trouble. I would definitely want to find out more.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 09/12/2020 21:10

I think its worth discussing with her. I absolutely wouldnt mention it to your DH though, it would be extremely hurtful to him to think his mother thought him capable. At the same time, I can understand why she asked. No-one wants to imagine their son being capable of that, but statistically some peoples sons are - and not all of them will have shown that side to their mothers. There is however a huge taboo against mothers believing their own sons are anything less than perfect - something which is unhelpful I think. So talk to her, but it isnt necessarily a red flag.

AliceMck · 09/12/2020 21:11

I think she’s just being supportive and your reading too much into it. There has been a lot about domestic abuse on the rise this year with COVID, I think she’s just making sure there isn’t more to it and that son or not she’d support you. She may have been in a situation herself once or know others who have. Lots of mothers wouldn’t entertain their darling boys being abusive, this lady sounds like a realist rather than holding a secret about your DHs past.

UsernameChat · 09/12/2020 21:13

I think she's trying to be very supportive and let you know that, if you did need help, she's there. It could be she had a difficult experience herself, or that she's simply read/heard lots of comments on the news recently about the connection between lockdowns and an increase in domestic violence.

FitterHappierMoreProductive · 09/12/2020 21:16

My guess would be DH’s dad was abusive, and she worried at the time that that was the reason DH was a difficult child, who then went off the rails. Knowing that your DS is difficult, has perhaps made her think the cause is the same - that your DH being violent is having a negative effect on DS.

I wouldn’t believe any of my sons would be violent, but if one of their partners turned up with bruises I’d be discreetly checking. My ex-H was abusive, and I just couldn’t turn a blind eye to it if I thought it was possible my sons were responsible.