To wonder why my MIL thinks DH gave me a black eye

[MrsMannieSouth]

Usually only lurk in here however this has been bothering me a lot and has made me questions DH. So the other day while looking after DS who is a handful i ended up getting a black eye after he hit me with a toy. It looked much worse than it felt.

So during a family zoom call with my in-laws MIL was questioning me about my black eye and I explained to her that it was DS who hit me with a toy. Like I said before DS is a handful which MIL knows well. After the zoom call I then get a text from MIL asking if I was ok. She then asked me via text “who gave you the back eye” which I then repeated was DS. She message back with “are you sure?”. Then put that “ if DH has touched you you need to tell me.I won’t allow him to touch you that way”. Then asked me again “how did you get the black eye”. I decided not to reply immediately as I felt weirded out by the whole thing. She had tried to call me a few minutes later. The whole thing was strange. I told her the final time that it was DS and explained everything to her. So now I am questioning why my MIL thinks that DH would touch me inappropriately. I feel it’s a huge red flag. I haven’t told DH about it as I don’t want there to be any problem with him and MIL. I have created a lot of theories in my head about the whole thing. It’s just really strange.

YABU- if you think I’m overthinking this.
YANBU- if you think this is a huge red flag

Thanks for the help.

I won’t allow him to touch you that way

If your DH had hit you, why on Earth does she think that a telling off from his mummy is going to make him stop?!

Good for her.

A black eye is specifically a red flag for domestic violence because they're quite hard to get otherwise. I'd imagine she's either been a victim herself or known victims.

Unless you have worries about your DH's other relationships.

Thanks for the replies. I do hope she is just being supportive. It just felt a bit strange really. There was a when they have had NC I think it was during his late teens. DH doesn’t talk about it much though nor has MIL. I was planning on asking him for more information after the texts from MIL however thought it would be better not to.

Also with DS he can be very angry at times and we have been having some problem with him. One thing that MIL keeps saying is that DH was the same and I will have it get used to it. She often comes out with a lot of negative comments about DH. She will only say these comments when DH isn’t present. It’s really strange to me. It’s like she’s scared of him or knows something about DH that I don’t.

It’s not weird at all, women looking out for women.
Doesn’t mean she thinks your DH is an abuser, means she wants you to know if he is that she will support you.

I think she's a good egg. I wouldn't push her on why she might have been so persistent in asking and, honestly, it's none of your business. Just be glad you have the kind of mil who puts her principles above her loyalty.

I think your MIL is trying to offer support. Seems like they can't do anything right.

It would make me wonder I’d DH’s dad had been violent (to her?) and your MIL has always worried that it would have affected your DH.

This would worry me too, it sounds like there maybe some reason for her to be concerned that your DH is capable of being violent. Have you thought about doing a Clares law disclosure request with the police? Hopefully just to put your mind at rest.

I also see no red flag and think she's just trying to be supportive. As a pp said, women supporting women. Sounds like a good MIL to have

just ask her. she obviously cares about you

Why don't you just ask her why she is pressing you on this ?

She’s possible experienced DV and is very wary of what men can do- even her own son.

Better supportive than blindly loyal.

I guess I am overthinking things. She doesn't act like what I would expect from a MIL she’s not over protective of him or critical of me at all. It’s usually the completely opposite. She’s does really like me a lot. She loves spending time with me and DS. She’s found it difficult not seeing us often this year. She’s just not been what expect from a MIL. Don’t get me wrong it’s great but with that incident it’s made me question a few things. Maybe I’m just really lucky to have a good MIL.

I'd flat out ask MIL if DH has been abusive to other girlfriends in the past. Either she's batshit or she knows something you don't.

She’s trying to help, for your son to give you a black eye with a toy, he would have to have hit you very hard. How old is he?

If he’s very young I can see why she’d be thinking you’re lying if you’ve a proper black eye. Most folks would think that.

Many women are embarrassed when they are victims of domestic violence and will lie to cover it up. She sounds supportive. Good she isn’t blind to the possibility her son could hurt their partner, as so many parents are. Doesn’t mean she knows anything. Better she err on the side of caution - if you aren’t being hurt by him no harm is done and you were she could get you to open up about it. Seems sensible to me.

I wouldn’t question your DH on the matter. It could cause upset between your MIL & DH relationship.

There’s a possibility your DH may have been volatile when younger, perhaps what lead to the NC period.

Take it as a positive she’s got your back. Not many MIL’s would.

I won’t allow him to touch you that way

If your DH had hit you, why on Earth does she think that a telling off from his mummy is going to make him stop?!
Bloody hell, why does some one have to put a downer on things.
Maybe the MIL was thinking how she could support the DIL with an escape route if needed?
My first thought was MIL had maybe expierenced DV herself and is alert of possible signs to look out for.

Maybe she doesn't think the injury tallies with your explanation.

@FourPlatinumRings

Maybe she doesn't think the injury tallies with your explanation.

This was my first thought.

And sadly yes many women will lie about domestic violence.

Op, how old is your child?

I’d just tell her you appreciate her concern but that there is no problem.

She’ll be alert to future problems so try not to walk into any doors.

Can’t you just ask your DH?

That would be a nice easy conversation. ‘Darling, can you pass the butter? And by the way your mother is absolutely convinced that you punched me in the face despite being told otherwise - any idea why?’

I think she sounds wonderful. It's not something you'd want to think of your son but she's making sure you have somewhere to turn if you need it.

If you don't, I'm sure she'll be as pleased as you are.

OTOH, the fact that you think she might be hinting at things suggests maybe you think there's something there?

I would guess she's been abused in the past and is determined not to allow something like that happen involving her own children.

Maybe she's just very aware of the fact that many women cover up the fact that they're victims of DV and she's trying to make it clear that you can always rely on her to fight your corner.