To wonder why my MIL thinks DH gave me a black eye

[MrsMannieSouth]

Usually only lurk in here however this has been bothering me a lot and has made me questions DH. So the other day while looking after DS who is a handful i ended up getting a black eye after he hit me with a toy. It looked much worse than it felt.

So during a family zoom call with my in-laws MIL was questioning me about my black eye and I explained to her that it was DS who hit me with a toy. Like I said before DS is a handful which MIL knows well. After the zoom call I then get a text from MIL asking if I was ok. She then asked me via text “who gave you the back eye” which I then repeated was DS. She message back with “are you sure?”. Then put that “ if DH has touched you you need to tell me.I won’t allow him to touch you that way”. Then asked me again “how did you get the black eye”. I decided not to reply immediately as I felt weirded out by the whole thing. She had tried to call me a few minutes later. The whole thing was strange. I told her the final time that it was DS and explained everything to her. So now I am questioning why my MIL thinks that DH would touch me inappropriately. I feel it’s a huge red flag. I haven’t told DH about it as I don’t want there to be any problem with him and MIL. I have created a lot of theories in my head about the whole thing. It’s just really strange.

YABU- if you think I’m overthinking this.
YANBU- if you think this is a huge red flag

Thanks for the help.

Tough one really. I could see my DM doing the same, not as pushy but making sure. There is history of DV there though so she has always made it clear to all of us how wrong it is. Tbh these men that do that are always someones son and they always have a "first time" so I wouldnt jump to him having a history so quickly, especially if hes never shown any hint.

Also it is well reported that DV has gone up during the pandemic, lockdown etc so maybe that is what triggered her to question you.

Maybe your DH hit your MIL when he was an older teen, hence the reason they went NC.

I think MIL had an abusive partner and this has triggered some bad memories for her. I don’t think it’s a red flag for DH.

I think that it's lovely that she is being so supportive. And you are right not to mention it to DH.

I once hit my head off a large wooden shelf in my kitchen as I was cleaning out my stove. Early morning, freezing cold Jan morning. I had a bump on my hairline which literally (gravity apparently) fell slowly but surely down my face giving me bruising over the bridge of my nose, then my eye went black.
I worked with a woman who asked me every day for three weeks if my husband was violent! He was working in a country 12 hours flight away! She just wouldn’t let it go.

Sorry posted too soon, she’s obviously looking out for you. She cares and I think you should be so thankful for that. See what happens and don’t jump into telling the tale just yet as it could cause big fall out. Having said that maybe a nice lunch out, just the two of you and a reassuring chat might be in order, if you can do that of course.

Guessing she has been in an abusive relationship in the past (or even currently, who knows?!) so wanted to make sure you were ok. She sounds like a lovely woman, you’re fortunate to have such a caring MIL.

Two theories
1)She spends a lot of time on Mumsnet..

but more seriously, my gut feeling was immediately "she has been a victim of DV herself". When my parents were first married, my DGM has some kind of breakdown, she was absolutely convinced my dad (her Son in Law) was beating my Mum (her dd) This absolutely was not the case. DGM however had a very unhappy marriage and her husband (my grandad) was emotionally abusive and controlling. Since my Mum told me about this episode, I have always assumed he was physically abusive to my grandmother, too.

Anyway, my guess is that she is on 'high alert' because of something she or someone close to her - maybe her own mother? - has experienced.

This isn't to say that there aren't concerns she has about your dh as well/instead, really I would have no way to even guess about that. But your story immediately made me think of my grandmother.

More women need to be like your mother in law. It’s far too easy for domestic abuse to go unquestioned.

If I had a friend or relative come out with a black eye I’d drill them. But that’s because I’ve had two friends go through it and I missed all the signs.

She's looking out for you and doing everything to support you if you needed it.

To me the red flag is that she is indicating her DS has potential for DV. Does he have history? Does he have a temper? You could ask her why she is triple checking.

Did DH have a failed relationship in the past? Maybe MIL knows something you don't.

I slammed my fingers in the car door once and lost several of the nails. A friend of mine was very insistent in finding out how it happened and asked me over and over again about it. I found it strange and annoying at the time, but I realised on reflection that she was asking me because she was concerned my partner had done it to me. She was being caring and concerned and showed that she would be there for me whatever was going on. It was a nice thing to do. Your MiL is showing that she genuinely cares.

i would guess one of 3 things.

she's either been a victim herself, knows a victim who hid it, or has seen her son be violent in the past.

Whichever it is, be glad she cares so much to check and double check that you're ok!

Maybe she has experienced violence in the past and just really wanted to support you if that was it?

I would think she's had experience of domestic violence in her life, with either FIL or a previous partner.

People don't generally knowingly get with an abusive partner, they normally find out the hard way. Maybe she feels she's been fooled before and now she doesn't trust her judgment

I'm with other pp in wondering whether she herself has been a victim of violence from someone in the past (possibly FIL?) and she lied to people to cover it up when asked about her injuries. She may have spent decades in an abusive marriage.

Perhaps you need to talk to her again.

She sounds like a lovely mil, supportive and loving.

If it was me, I'd have to ask her straight whether DP had a history of domestic violence or temper outbursts.

Either she's asking because he's done something like that to an ex, or because she's had it done to her and thinks she recognises a 'sign' (even though on this occasion it was an accident). She probably pushed it just because she knows lots of women struggle to speak out about that kind of thing.

So I would find out why she was asking, and put her mind at rest that it really was your son.

Definitely talk to her, not DH. Try to give her space to talk.maybe you could open the conversation by asking her if she thinks DS is like DH when he was little & when it changed etc

Hope your eye is better soon!

The first thing that occurred to me is that your MIL has some kind of history with domestic violence herself -- perhaps in her family background or personal life.

I think she's bringing her baggage with her on this. I can see it's a supportive gesture but I totally understand it must be very weird for you!

I think it's utterly bizarre. It would never occur to my MIL that DH might have hit me if I had a black eye. Just like I could not imagine my DS would hit a woman. Neither of them would ever dream of doing such a thing.

I would wonder what her life had been like, to be honest.

I would think she knows something.

Was he violent during his teens?

There is something thatvhas rung alarm bells for her.

Get her on her own and ask her to be honest.

She sounds like she really cares for you.
She needs to tell you the truth.

My mum's first husband was an abusive alcoholic.

I called her once in tears of annoyance and frustration at my husband, who was drunk and being a prat. She was hugely concerned, probably more so because I'm not a frequent crier, but it was quite triggering for her. I know now that she's not a good person to call because her barometer is hyper sensitive - especially since she isn't used to me needing her support like that.

It is not bad that she asked you and made sure, to the potential detriment of her own son! That is proper care! Unfortunatelly, there is lots of people who suffers DV. It is likely that your MIL either suffered directly or witness something, or a close family member. Count yourself lucky that you are not in that position, but if you were one day, you have back up!