To wonder why my MIL thinks DH gave me a black eye

[MrsMannieSouth]

Usually only lurk in here however this has been bothering me a lot and has made me questions DH. So the other day while looking after DS who is a handful i ended up getting a black eye after he hit me with a toy. It looked much worse than it felt.

So during a family zoom call with my in-laws MIL was questioning me about my black eye and I explained to her that it was DS who hit me with a toy. Like I said before DS is a handful which MIL knows well. After the zoom call I then get a text from MIL asking if I was ok. She then asked me via text “who gave you the back eye” which I then repeated was DS. She message back with “are you sure?”. Then put that “ if DH has touched you you need to tell me.I won’t allow him to touch you that way”. Then asked me again “how did you get the black eye”. I decided not to reply immediately as I felt weirded out by the whole thing. She had tried to call me a few minutes later. The whole thing was strange. I told her the final time that it was DS and explained everything to her. So now I am questioning why my MIL thinks that DH would touch me inappropriately. I feel it’s a huge red flag. I haven’t told DH about it as I don’t want there to be any problem with him and MIL. I have created a lot of theories in my head about the whole thing. It’s just really strange.

YABU- if you think I’m overthinking this.
YANBU- if you think this is a huge red flag

Thanks for the help.

It sounds like she’s trying to be supportive which is great. More people need to be like that imo. I don’t necessarily think it’s a red flag at all regarding your husband. I wonder if something has happened to your MIL previously or someone she’s close to so this kind of thing puts her on edge?

Why don’t you thank her for her concern and care next time you see her, and then ask outright why she checked...keep it light...as others have said maybe she’s a victim of DV in past and she is hyper vigilant...it might be a way that she is trying to talk about it.
On other hand may just be checking- thank her again.

@DangerMouse17

At least she cares! No idea why you would be "weirded out", she was just making absolutely sure all was well and giving you opportunity to get help (if you needed it). You should feel very grateful tbh.

^^ agree with this.

Red flag. I would think an ex had accused him of being violent in the past.

I'm guessing her own husband was violent and perhaps she sees similar personality traits in your DH - not to say your DH would automatically be abusive just because his father may have been, but your MiL is obviously wary about something to do with your DH. Or perhaps not and she just wishes she had had someone to confide in during a time of abuse. The only way you'll know is to challenge her directly.

DP's mum is dead now, but I can't imagine her doing anything other than accepting my word for it.
My family, I can imagine a bit of a joke about DP hitting me before the conversation moved on to 'what a terror DS is' type thing –but it would absolutely just be a joke and just my family's humour; they wouldn't think seriously in a million years that he'd hit me, let alone keep harping on it.

So I personally find it, not a huge red flag, but a bit suss. From what you say I wonder if it's not that she knows something unsavoury about your DH that you don't, but that she likes to assume the worst about him.
This One thing that MIL keeps saying is that DH was the same and I will have it get used to it. She often comes out with a lot of negative comments about DH. She will only say these comments when DH isn’t present sounds like possible gaslighting.

She sounds like a real good 'un, you know from now on that she will have your back. That's a wonderful thing to know.

You know your DH better than anyone on here. It may be she's encountered DV vicariously. We took in an abused mother and child for three months some years ago and after hearing some of the things I heard back then I will ALWAYS check if I have the slightest concern. We all should.

File it away for now and rejoice that you have so much support from her. 💕

@MrsMannieSouth

Thanks for the replies. I do hope she is just being supportive. It just felt a bit strange really. There was a when they have had NC I think it was during his late teens. DH doesn’t talk about it much though nor has MIL. I was planning on asking him for more information after the texts from MIL however thought it would be better not to.

Also with DS he can be very angry at times and we have been having some problem with him. One thing that MIL keeps saying is that DH was the same and I will have it get used to it. She often comes out with a lot of negative comments about DH. She will only say these comments when DH isn’t present. It’s really strange to me. It’s like she’s scared of him or knows something about DH that I don’t.

Just seen this post. Really I should have RTFT. Don’t mention it to your husband. But I do kind of understand now why you think it’s a red flag.

I think she is being supportive.

Does your husband get angry (although not violent) and how is he with your son when he’s acting up?

My guess is that she’s been a victim of domestic violence and “the baby hit me” is an excuse she’s used in the past.

TBH a baby would have to use quite a bit of force to give you a black eye, so if I saw someone with a black eye who said their baby had done it I would be suspicious too.

My thoughts:

1. She has suffered DV from DH's father and is worried that her son will copy his father's behaviour.
2. Your DH has previously been violent towards a former gf/partner or indeed his mother.
3. I would definitely want to know the reasons for the past estrangement now.

Anyone can snap under the right conditions!

It sounds like she is being supportive and understands this, even though he maybe the most laid back kind man?. If we all had that tiny bit of doubt... We are are all humans, maybe we would all be better off.

Far better than the Mil while won't entertain any thoughts of her baby doing a single thing wrong?

Most people have assumed the husband is potentially abusive but maybe the mil, who clearly does not like her own son, is at fault.

She criticises him behind his back and ingrates herself with you. Perhaps when they were no comment it was her fault.

I would not listen to someone who was so clearly trying to interfere in my marriage.

Maybe thank her for her concern and support, then ask her if there is something you need to be aware of. It is an open ended enough question that she can confide that she or a friend/family member had past experience of domestic violence or she has concerns about her son being violent. Does anyone in the family speak about why her and your DH were no contact for that time, or how they reconciled?

It's not a red flag at all. "Ds did it " would be something that an abused person might say - it's like "walking into something" being used as an excuse. The fact that MIL is concerned about you rather than the fact that ds is her son is really positive and shows that she can be depended on in an emergency.

My ds accidentally gave me a black eye too and people assumed my h did it too except it was someone in Sainsbury's who showed concern.

Full respect to that MIL for reaching out to you.

I think that it is important to know why your dh and his mum were NC. She could be genuinely concerned for you, or deliberately trying to cause issues.

I think I'd have to ask her, at the right time, in a casual manner why she asked that. It's often hard to read tone etc in texts so maybe she just jumped to the wrong conclusion and wanted to make sure.

I'd talk to her if I were you, not text, and say it's been bothering you why she would ask. It maybe she suspects him for some reason or just knows how some men can be and wants to make sure you're ok. It's hard to tell, you'll have to have that difficult conversation I think. Please let us know!

Also with DS he can be very angry at times and we have been having some problem with him. One thing that MIL keeps saying is that DH was the same and I will have it get used to it. She often comes out with a lot of negative comments about DH. She will only say these comments when DH isn’t present. It’s really strange to me. It’s like she’s scared of him or knows something about DH that I don’t. when a woman is pregnant is the most common time for domestic violence to begin. It’s entirely possible that FIL started to be violent to her while she was pregnant with DH, and if dh was a difficult baby then she may associate a difficult child with domestic violence, iyswim.

You say your DS can be very angry, couple that with having received a black eye, and if she’s been the victim of the same then I can easily see how she would make the connection.

She may have her reasons or she may not, but either way she's evidently not the kind of mother who believes her little darling can do no wrong.

Wish she were my MiL, she sounds wonderful!

@Clymene

Maybe she's just very aware of the fact that many women cover up the fact that they're victims of DV and she's trying to make it clear that you can always rely on her to fight your corner.

I agree with this. She sounds a lovely, caring mother in law.

Hi OP. What a lovely MIL you have. Before I married my now exdh, his brother said to me that “if he ever hits you, you come to me.”

I thought nothing of it but lo and behold, he did end up hitting me, shoving me, putting his hands around my neck. His brother obviously knew he had a violent nature.

I would probe into this more OP. It might be nothing but it could very well be something that you need to be aware of x

Personally I'd assume that this is more about her past / background than your DH's.