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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset about what DH said about c section

152 replies

MsFrog · 09/12/2020 02:26

Last night I was feeling really anxious about my impending ELCS. My last birth was long and difficult and ended in quite a traumatic EMCS. It was scary for both of us, obviously. Last night, I was saying how anxious I feel about going in now that it's getting closer, imagining the specifics and remembering last time (I know an ELCS will be different).

DH was being generally sympathetic, but then he said he might not come in with me, unless I want him to. He said if I'm "not bothered", then he maybe won't come in. I was a bit shocked. I said I was surprised that he wouldn't want to be there with me, as I couldn't imagine leaving him to go through something that big alone. He said "I know it's much worse for you, but it was hard for me as well."

I feel really upset by this. I can't believe he doesn't want to be there when the baby is born, but more than that, I'm so surprised he could hear me saying how anxious I was and then say he might not come in with me. And I being unfair to be upset? I know it must be hard for him to be there, but I feel like now I can't rely on his support at all. I had a quick look on Mumsnet, and I've seen other people's DH have felt the same and posters have said not to force the DH to be there, which makes me feel like I'm being pathetic and unreasonable.

OP posts:

Newmumatlast · 09/12/2020 02:34

No. You're not. I'd feel the same

Changethetoner · 09/12/2020 02:35

He was obviously really traumatized by the emergency c-section last time. It's not that he doesn't want to be there for the birth. He is scared. If you say you want him to attend, I'm sure he will. But he's asked you if you really do want him to, because he is afraid. It's not about not wanting to support you. (that's how I see it anyway).

You both must be really scared and anxious. Try to be loving and supportive to each other, but it is not a competition - who is more scared, or who is more brave. Respect and understand that it is hard for you both. You don't have a choice to attend the birth, he does. But that doesn't mean he won't, it means he has been brave enough to voice his fear.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 09/12/2020 02:36

You're not unreasonable. Is he surgery phobic or traumatised by the last section?

Sherin18 · 09/12/2020 02:40

YANBU

Arrowcat · 09/12/2020 02:44

It sounds like he's not really thought it through and is thinking of it more like a medical procedure that the birth of your child. Also that he's putting the onus on you to decide rather than himself. Remember different people react differently. That's ok. I don't need my husband with me for surgery or even in the room to give birth (whichever way it would be) because I'm very comfortable in hospitals and ok with it. He is horrified by my attitude and wants me with him all the time. (Because of the above) but espieicially re: birth. That's ok too. Just sit him down and explain you need him there and you think he should be there so he is going to be there. That's the end of that - he doesn't get a choice in this because you trump him.

MaryMashedThem · 09/12/2020 02:53

Agree with PPs - it's not unreasonable of you to feel hurt or upset by his comment, but it seems to have come from a place of fear rather than from a lack of concern about you or the baby.
My friend in a similar situation took her mum in with her rather than her DH as he was so traumatised by her previous cat 1 EMCS that he struggles to drive past the hospital now, leave alone set foot in it.
If that's not an option for you it sounds like you both would benefit from talking to a midwife about what happened last time and what to expect this time. I know many women find a calm ELCS quite healing after a traumatic EMCS so maybe it will be the same for both you and him - it might actually be beneficial for himself if he's there.
Has anyone talked you through what will happen on the day?

GlowingOrb · 09/12/2020 02:58

You are not being pathetic. He needs to be there. If not for you, then for the baby. Your child should always be accompanied by a parent and you will be incapacitated on a surgical table.

All he has to do is sit there and then hold a baby. It is not too much to ask.

Original poster

MsFrog · 09/12/2020 02:59

Thank you all so much for your kind and balanced responses. I know he was really traumatised by my last birth, which also came after years of quite traumatic recurrent pregnancy losses as well, which I know he found hard. He's also really bad with illness/blood/hospitals etc. So I don't want to force him to be there, I understand his fears.

I suppose I just feel even more worried now that I might have to do it alone, or not be able to 'rely' on him in the operating room. PP is right to say it was brave of him to admit how he feels but I suppose a selfish part of me wishes he'd kept it to himself to reduce my anxiety and just support me through it, which is very unfair of me.

OP posts:

SilverBirchWithout · 09/12/2020 03:05

My DSis was with me when I had my EMCS. She had previously had 2 CS herself but was more traumatised watching mine than her own. She could see everything they were doing, for the patient there is a screen to prevent you witnessing the surgery.
What I’m trying to say is although you no doubt want the support of DH, I think it must be pretty traumatic to watch a loved one’s abdominal surgery, it is grim. In my case DH is very squeamish with anything medical, he waited outside until after DS was born as we had agreed before the CS - I still felt very supported and the medical team were brilliant.

ChestnutStuffing · 09/12/2020 03:07

He has said he will come if you want him to, which to me is the point. It doesn't go without saying that you would want him to, not everyone feels that way about surgery.

He was obviously very bothered, either scared or he might have found the surgery made him feel ill, not everyone manages well with that.

user1481840227 · 09/12/2020 03:10

You are definitely not pathetic or unreasonable!
However if he genuinely suffered trauma then that obviously needs to be considered too.

Is there a way to compromise so that you at least have his support for some of it?
I'm not sure how ELCS work...but would/could he agree to be there with you up until a certain point and then perhaps wait outside?

berrygirlie · 09/12/2020 03:11

I can see both perspectives. I think I might be upset if my child's father didn't want to be there during the labour, but similarly I think I'd also be very upset watching someone I love being cut into (even if by trained professionals).

Do you have family or friends who could support you during the birth? Maybe they could look after you during the main event and he could wait outside, meaning you would have support (and he could always come in towards the end) without him needing to witness everything. Sorry though, I know it's a difficult situation and probably doesn't help with your own anxieties! Best of luck, you'll do amazingly x

DanglySpider · 09/12/2020 03:11

Gosh, this is a really tough one. I've had 4 ELCSs, and every time I was accompanied (by XP or DH). DH always wanted to be there, so there was never any question that he wouldn't, but I wasn't with XP when I had dcs 1 and 2, so it was a bit more complicated. I think (from memory) I said he could be there if he wanted, but if he didn't, I would find someone else.
I take it from your posts that there's no possibility of having someone else come in to the operating theatre with you? I can understand that as pp have said, he's scared because of previous experiences, and to a certain extent, he perhaps shouldn't feel forced to be there, but at the same time, you should be supported by someone. He must really be worried for him to even suggest that he might not come with you, but although he's likely to regret it afterwards, I think perhaps you need to give him the option as best as you can.

Yes, of course this is harder on you, as you're the one going through it, but we are literally just talking about the surgery itself, I presume, so he'd be able to wait in your recovery room/area and be there as soon as you both come back. If he doesn't want to come to the hospital at all, then HIBU, but if it's just fear of things going wrong in the birth, then perhaps you need to look at alternatives. Not ideal for you, though, in your moment of need.

DanglySpider · 09/12/2020 03:13

I also take it that he understands that an ELCS is a very different experience from an EMCS - that it's way more laid back, not rushed, no one shouting, and it's quite a chilled out experience?

Original poster

MsFrog · 09/12/2020 03:15

Yes, that's true, he said he would come in if I want him to. I suppose I just feel a bit like I wish he hadn't put that decision on me, and had just thought "she's obviously really scared - I am too, but I'll try to support her as best I can". That's feels really selfish now I've written this thread. I understand about his fear, because of my own fear! I think these responses are making realise I'm being unfair - it's not his fault that he has can opt-out if he needs to. I knew when I pregnant that I'd have to go through birth again. It's not DH's fault that's he's not the woman.

OP posts:

berrygirlie · 09/12/2020 03:28

Bloody sucks being female sometimes doesn't it!

Anyway, I'm sorry OP, because this sounds very difficult. I don't know much about ELCS so I may be very misinformed, but if there's a screen so that you don't see the surgery, could he stand towards your head while it's happening? That way he could support you without having to see anything that might be traumatising. x

WartyWorry · 09/12/2020 03:38

OP I don't think you're being selfish! You're about to give birth, you're understandably anxious. Why should you have to be more considerate of his feelings than he's being of yours? You know him best, but if it were me I'd explain that you can understand him being worried too but that you really need support, and ultimately if he can't support you he may as well not be there. Is there a family member who could be with you instead?

ClarenceBoddicker · 09/12/2020 03:38

Assuming he isn’t just a dick and nasty in general (which you didn’t say he is or was) perhaps he is genuinely struggling. There’s always the you’re the patient argument and suffering more than him. Being the observer is worse for me as you know you can’t do anything. You’re not knocked out on the drugs like you’ll be. I’d still say man up though in a general sense but wouldn’t give him shit if he has a genuine mental problem with it

MyMajesty · 09/12/2020 03:41

I just feel a bit like I wish he hadn't put that decision on me, and had just thought "she's obviously really scared - I am too, but I'll try to support her as best I can"

It's not selfish to wish for that from him. It's how you would be (from what you said) if something similar was happening for him.

Perhaps, tho, he's afraid of being weak and letting you down at the time.
You need to talk with him some more, about it, and if you can get a midwife to help prepare you both, that could be useful.

MindyStClaire · 09/12/2020 03:45

Neither of you are being unreasonable at all. Of course you're both anxious. I had a few minor complications during my ELCS (my EMCS was a breeze, go figure) and DH definitely realised more of what was happening at the time than I did. Your DH presumably had a scare last time.

A few thoughts that I think you both need to discuss and decide on a plan together:

A calm ELCS may actually be healing for both of you.

If he doesn't feel he can come into theatre, would he be ok waiting for you both in recovery?

Are you ok with that? It would be perfectly reasonable for you to want someone with you for the surgery, but I suspect covid restrictions will mean that your DH then wouldn't meet the baby until you got home.

HarryHarryHarry · 09/12/2020 03:51

My first baby was born by emergency C-section and it was extremely traumatic for all of us. It hit my husband especially hard as he really thought he was going to lose his wife and his child on the same day whereas I was completely out of it so I didn’t know what was going on. There was never any question of him not being there for subsequent births but I could definitely understand his anxiety about it! But it really helped me to have him there. The second time around I could feel this sort of panic and hysteria building up inside as I sat in the operating room alone and at one point I really thought my mind was going to explode with fear... and then he came in and brought me back to earth and I felt OK again. Perhaps it’s the same for you? Have you explained how you feel to your husband?

I would also add that the second (planned) C-section was like a healing experience that really helped us get over the trauma of the first one because it was so simple and straightforward. It could be good for both of you too.

berrygirlie · 09/12/2020 03:51

Perhaps, tho, he's afraid of being weak and letting you down at the time.

Yes, I agree. If it were me and I were afraid of the process, I would be hesitant to say I would cope and be present just in case I couldn't hack it on the day (therefore causing more stress for you on an already potentially stressful day). Maybe indirectly he is trying to spare you additional difficulty? Just a thought.

HarryHarryHarry · 09/12/2020 03:54

Also to add - the doctors/nurses in both of mine made my husband stand at my head on so he couldn’t see what was happening on the other side of the screen either. I thought this was standard practice?

Inkpaperstars · 09/12/2020 03:59

It sounds like probably if you explain to him that you are bothered, he will come in, especially as he might really regret missing it. On the other hand if you felt that someone else might be more support to you instead that would be ok I think.

It’s not selfish of you at all to wish he had thought about the fact that you have no choice, and not said what he did. So far he has really only expressed his anxiety about it though, he hasn’t said no. I think if you talk to each other and maybe a midwife about it all then he will feel more able to come in and support you. He doesn’t have to watch it all as pp say.

I hope all goes very smoothly for you all and you look back with relief at how calm it was x

TakeMeToYourLiar · 09/12/2020 04:11

Aside from rights and wrongs of what DH said, can I recommended c section specific hypnobirtthung?

I had a traumatic first labour and emcs. Hypno really helped me and DH picture my elective in a more positive light

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