AIBU to be upset about what DH said about c section

[MsFrog]

Last night I was feeling really anxious about my impending ELCS. My last birth was long and difficult and ended in quite a traumatic EMCS. It was scary for both of us, obviously. Last night, I was saying how anxious I feel about going in now that it's getting closer, imagining the specifics and remembering last time (I know an ELCS will be different).

DH was being generally sympathetic, but then he said he might not come in with me, unless I want him to. He said if I'm "not bothered", then he maybe won't come in. I was a bit shocked. I said I was surprised that he wouldn't want to be there with me, as I couldn't imagine leaving him to go through something that big alone. He said "I know it's much worse for you, but it was hard for me as well."

I feel really upset by this. I can't believe he doesn't want to be there when the baby is born, but more than that, I'm so surprised he could hear me saying how anxious I was and then say he might not come in with me. And I being unfair to be upset? I know it must be hard for him to be there, but I feel like now I can't rely on his support at all. I had a quick look on Mumsnet, and I've seen other people's DH have felt the same and posters have said not to force the DH to be there, which makes me feel like I'm being pathetic and unreasonable.

EG if he knows what it means to you and how supportive you would find it, he might realise that he has a lot to offer rather than feeling helpless, and that might change his view and help him overcome his fears in the greater wish to be there with and for you.

Or if you know that actually he is terrified you might think much as I would like him I don't want him to be terrified or to be trying to deal with it with a terrified DH in the room either. You might decide you will manage your anxiety about being alone as part of a greater wish not to force your DH into something that he is really frightened of.

YANBU - I too had a difficult birth ending in emergency c-section. DH has made it known it traumatised him too, makes him uncomfortable talking about what happened.

I would be so hurt if DH said that to me for our next baby, it's something I'd expect him to want to be involved in and can't imagine him ever saying he wouldn't come in.

It would be nice if there were practical suggestions about finding an alternative partner, or speaking to a doula, or her husband having someone to speak to before the c section so he can support the OP, rather than people calling him all the names under the sun.

Please see my previous posts in which I have suggested exactly this. Doesn't alter the fact he is fucking her over massively by only having the maturity to address these feelings NOW, when she has the bare minimum of options.

I don't think you are terrible and as you say, it is you that has been through 2 pregnancies and all the rest. The least he could do is give you a handhold in the theatre.

I know he is probably scared, but so are you, he needs to step up and support you. He doesn't have to look at the business end, they will have a screen.

If there is one time you can put your needs first, it's now!

I hope it all goes smoothly for you both.

This can be an opportunity for you to become closer to your partner. Both of you are going to be scared and both of you are going to be brave. It’s your body and your birth, so it’s very important for you to be supported by your partner. That doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to feel scared and need some support too.

Lots of hospitals offer counselling after difficult births. Please look into that. Also, there are a tonne of resources and techniques make having a c-section less traumatic. I had a couple of really intense births and was terrified at the thought of doing it again. My partner and me put lots of work in, tried lots of techniques, went to counselling, we did it all. I thought nothing would help but in the end it did make it easier. Good luck.

My goodness, I can't believe how many responses this has had! It's really validating to read what everyone has put - even those PP's who have been a bit harsh, I appreciate that there is some justification in my "wtf, what about my support?!" knee-jerk reaction. These threads are hard, because you only get a snapshot, and I posted immediately after his thoughtless comment and there's little context.

We've talked about this while all these comments have been happening. We had a really good, open, honest chat. He saw and felt a lot of stuff I didn't know about last time, and he is genuinely frightened. But he said of course he'll come in with me if I feel like this, and apologised for what he said and he can't imagine going through it himself, he couldn't do it, etc. All very supportive. He spoke without thinking last night, so while it was a bit thoughtless, he was just being honest. He's allowed to be, I am his support as well as him being mine, and we all have moments where we say stupid things.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and reassurance and suggestions of how to manage this. Hopefully we'll spend a bit of time beforehand (got 3 weeks left) preparing together and dealing with some of the memories of last time!

Why does a man need to be present at a caesarean, or even a birth?

So if he doesn't want to be there, try to accept it.

Please see my previous posts in which I have suggested exactly this. Doesn't alter the fact he is fucking her over massively by only having the maturity to address these feelings NOW, when she has the bare minimum of options.
Take it someone didn't read my post just minutes after the one you're quoting where I said it should have said 'more'people and that some posters have been helpful.

Trauma isn't logical. Nobody can set a timer and say 'not now trauma, it's the wrong time for you to start'.

Would we be telling someone with depression that they just need to have the 'maturity' to deal with their mental health? Or that someone is fucking their spouse over if they have an anxiety attack after being fine for months? Probably not. So why should someone's trauma be any different?

It's really unhelpful in my opinion for people to be talking about him being a twat and fucking her over as if a husband (who the OP has said is lovely) just feels like being awkward.

Given rules in different trusts have been variable through covid, I can entirely see how someone can end up suppressing previous trauma and it rears its head at the point where a triggering event happens or is about to.

If dealing with trauma was as simple as setting a timetable and making sure it's neatly packed away again then there's not be women suffering with birth trauma for years, there'd not be people suffering with PTSD for years, there's not be people who hold it together for weeks, months or years before it all comes back to them.

Selfish dickhead. YANBU

Even though he sounds like he doesn’t want to be there and didn’t say it in a good way, it does sound like he’s scared. Could you both talk about it to your midwife? I had an elective c section as DD was breech. I know I don’t have anything to compare it too, but it was very relaxed and DH sat next to me, they put a screen up so we couldn’t see anything.

I’m really glad that you have had an open and honest discussion, OP, although you should now prepare for a stream of posters who won’t have read your updates and will only respond to your OP.

It is easy to forget that there is a real family at the middle of an AIBU thread. Trolls do very well around here because real life doesn’t generally play for drama or tub-thumping.

I'm pleased you talked about it, and got your feelings out in the open. Chances are he didn't realise how traumatised he was after the last time so those PPs who go on and on about how he should have confronted it by now have no idea how trauma works...people can easily supress until they're confronted with it, which is what has happened, hence his comment last time.

I'm glad to see you are supporting each other, and sounds like you have a healthy marriage. Good luck with it all!

@NotPrude

I'm pleased you talked about it, and got your feelings out in the open. Chances are he didn't realise how traumatised he was after the last time so those PPs who go on and on about how he should have confronted it by now have no idea how trauma works...people can easily supress until they're confronted with it, which is what has happened, hence his comment last time.

I'm glad to see you are supporting each other, and sounds like you have a healthy marriage. Good luck with it all!

Thank you, yes, I think that's it exactly. He does have a tendancy to repress things that are hard to cope with emotionally so he can "keep going". He's a wonderful, reliable husband and father. I think my posts through the night have been a bit misleading, because I was suffering with pregnancy insomnia, anxiety, and just tired and emotional about that one conversation. He's not selfish at all, and I was just surprised and shocked and a bit hurt, but I'm glad we've talked about it, and I'm glad to have had all these perspectives to help frame my thinking.

Neither of you are unreasonable at all. I feel sorry for both of you. You for going through this again and being worried about what might happen. Him for having to witness that and being completely powerless to help.

Imagine being in the room while your husband is getting surgery, and suddenly things start going chaotic. Things are obviously going wrong, the doctors are trying to save him and all you can do is watch. I've seen my dad like that about my mum, never seen him look so scared and he's a nurse! He understands these things, your husband probably doesn't have any medical experience.

Cometely get why you want him there for support. You aren't being selfish and he isn't acting without concern. He's terrified he's going to lose you.

My dh is absolutely useless during labour. He actually had a panic attack during the first one and had to get out the room, he couldn't breathe 🙄. I had two more babies since and he was just in the room but not involved and not helpful or comforting in any way. We aren't having any more but if we were I'd definitely tell him to stay home!
Some men just can't deal with it.

Chances are he didn't realise how traumatised he was after the last time so those PPs who go on and on about how he should have confronted it by now have no idea how trauma works...

I think a fair few PPs are women who’ve been through births of various levels of traumaticness ourselves, so do have a bit of understanding about how much thinking it’s reasonable to give your own feelings about another upcoming birth in the months leading up to that.

But, at least OP’s partner has done some thinking about it now, and it sounds like they’re in a much better position and have been able to have an honest and supportive conversation about it which is the most important thing.

Good luck with it all, OP. I agree with all those who’ve said that elective sections are a whole different experience than traumatic emergency ones, much calmer and easier for all involved.

Thank you, yes, I think that's it exactly. He does have a tendancy to repress things that are hard to cope with emotionally so he can "keep going". He's a wonderful, reliable husband and father. I think my posts through the night have been a bit misleading, because I was suffering with pregnancy insomnia, anxiety, and just tired and emotional about that one conversation. He's not selfish at all, and I was just surprised and shocked and a bit hurt, but I'm glad we've talked about it, and I'm glad to have had all these perspectives to help frame my thinking
That's a really good outcome. The more you guys talk, the better.

You weren't misleading at all. Some posters saw an opportunity to have a go at a man and stick the boot in because there's always a loud cry of LTB/dickhead on here. You've been really fair, weren't unreasonable in your feelings at all and have taken a much more measured approach. I hope all goes well for you

Would we be telling someone with depression that they just need to have the 'maturity' to deal with their mental health?

Actually we do see threads like this all the time. Woman wwrites a thread in despair because her husband is clearly horribly depressed but won't see a GP, attend counselling or consider medication. She is just supposed to endure his misery and paper over the cracks of his totally unmanaged mental health for their children.

The response is, rightly imo, almost unanimous that he has a responsibility to seek help, and that it is not on her to have to put up with it. Obviously there should be understanding and support but it is not OK for someone with MH issues to just abdicate all responsibility for the effect they have on those around them.

I had mental health problems after a traumatic bereavement; I had a breakdown at work and had to take time off; my emotional state was impacting my partner and daughter. I realised this, and I went to see a GP because behaving like that and harming them was not acceptable to me. Medication, counselling, and I'm recovered. I am well aware it is not easy either to see the wood for the trees or to seek and utilise help. But nor is it OK to throw up your hands and say well that's just tough on you, spouse and kids, because it's my mental health/trauma.

What the actual fuck?! I had a traumatic emergency first time where my usually very stoic husband was in tears at the thought of losing us. I had an elective this time and he was cross he couldn’t be there longer because of the pandemic. I hope you weren’t traumatised last time because you have no choice. He wants this baby the. He needs to suck it up.

He does have a tendancy to repress things that are hard to cope with emotionally so he can "keep going".

Men repressing feelings and trying to stay tough is something we all need to address, I'm really glad that you both had the discussion OP. It might be as well to gently pursue the idea with him that he might want to talk a professional about it.

Draineddraineddrained
People don't have to tolerate their partner's mental health issues indefinitely, but nor is it reasonable for people to dictate when someone is ready to respond to their mental health issues.

Like you I also experienced trauma, but despite some positive steps it was a while before I was in a place where I was able to process it fully. I'd have been really hurt if my husband told me that I needed to me more mature and get on with it.

In this situation there's clearly been some unresolved trauma from seeing his wife go through an EMCS. If he'd been up and down, balc and forth since the birth and refused to confront it then I'd be 100% agreeing with you that he should have done something sooner. But it sounds like he's repressed his feelings and pushed them under, then the upcoming birth has triggered the issues and brought them to the surface. That's why I'm cutting him some slack. If something has just bubbled up then it's really unfair to attack someone for not dealing with something before it's crept up

Men repressing feelings and trying to stay tough is something we all need to address
Yes, there's only so long anyone can be strong and hide their feelings.

@Brefugee

"Men repressing feelings and trying to stay tough is something we all need to address"

This, 1000 times over. Mental health issues amongst men is such a problem, and the mindset that people have towards men when it comes to mental health makes it a lot worse. The attitudes in this thread ("man up", as some PPs have said) are part of the problem.

It's as though men aren't allowed to suffer from trauma. When they do, they need to "man up" which involves repressing those feelings, which then results in the issues manifesting in very unhealthy ways further down the line. Hence why male suicide is one of the biggest killers of men today.

I agree that male mental health is a concern, but I'm not sure that the best way to address it is for women who are about to give birth and quite worried about that to shove down their own worries and fears and past experiences to gently coax their partners towards the idea of counselling.

Upthread the OP was getting given the impression that she was selfish and unfair and 'a completely shit person' for feeling that she wanted her partner's support. It isn't fair to put that on her (and it doesn't sound like her partner would want to, either).

GoldenOmber
It sounds like a horrible situation, but one that will only resolve with them talking (as OP has said they've done since her post) and coming up with practical steps to get a resolution in the next few days.

Neither of them were unreasonable to feel how they feel and everyone responds differently to trauma. The OP is in no way a shit person.

I'm just not convinced what she needed right now was people sticking the boot into her DH,who she's said is a lovely guy and sometimes represses his emotions (which would probably account for a sudden spike in trauma as another c section looms and he worries about his wife again).

My husband was afraid to come in with me many years ago. Looking back it still bothers me because i feel he should have been. Im also annoyed at myself as i should have said how i felt but i didn't push it. A really sweet, lovely nurse held my hand throughout which was so kind of her.
Its relatively quick and i remember the doctors discussing golf as they operated which strangely helped me to relax.
You shouldn't have to go through this alone i hope you both can reach agreement