AIBU to be upset about what DH said about c section

[MsFrog]

Last night I was feeling really anxious about my impending ELCS. My last birth was long and difficult and ended in quite a traumatic EMCS. It was scary for both of us, obviously. Last night, I was saying how anxious I feel about going in now that it's getting closer, imagining the specifics and remembering last time (I know an ELCS will be different).

DH was being generally sympathetic, but then he said he might not come in with me, unless I want him to. He said if I'm "not bothered", then he maybe won't come in. I was a bit shocked. I said I was surprised that he wouldn't want to be there with me, as I couldn't imagine leaving him to go through something that big alone. He said "I know it's much worse for you, but it was hard for me as well."

I feel really upset by this. I can't believe he doesn't want to be there when the baby is born, but more than that, I'm so surprised he could hear me saying how anxious I was and then say he might not come in with me. And I being unfair to be upset? I know it must be hard for him to be there, but I feel like now I can't rely on his support at all. I had a quick look on Mumsnet, and I've seen other people's DH have felt the same and posters have said not to force the DH to be there, which makes me feel like I'm being pathetic and unreasonable.

My mum was in theatre with me when ds was born by emcs, my husband chickened out, my mum was the first to hold ds & dress him & carried him out of theatre for me. He would have been useless, she held my hand & kept me calm when things went tits up & I was hemorrhaging like a fountain & thought I was dying.

I'd agree that neither of you are being unreasonable.

You went through a traumatic time with your last birth during which your DH did probably witness a lot more than you actually did. Although they are seated by your head, the screen is not really big enough to shield them from seeing the surgery. My DH could see it all in my EMCS with DD3.

When I knew it would be a c-section I gave him the choice of whether to be in the operating theatre or not as he is somewhat squeamish. He decided he be there, and he coped fine but it honestly wouldn't have bothered me at all if he had preferred to wait outside.

@Nat6999 omg my DH was useless for my E-Csec. I would love my mum there this time. She's had 4 c-sections. I think she'd be more supportive. Do i tell him this?

@Changethetoner

He was obviously really traumatized by the emergency c-section last time. It's not that he doesn't want to be there for the birth. He is scared. If you say you want him to attend, I'm sure he will. But he's asked you if you really do want him to, because he is afraid. It's not about not wanting to support you. (that's how I see it anyway).

You both must be really scared and anxious. Try to be loving and supportive to each other, but it is not a competition - who is more scared, or who is more brave. Respect and understand that it is hard for you both. You don't have a choice to attend the birth, he does. But that doesn't mean he won't, it means he has been brave enough to voice his fear.

Seriously?

The whole point of being a couple is to be there for one another. If he was so traumatised last time how come he doesn't imagine it was the same for you? You're meant to go through this together. He needs to step up and be a parent right from the beginning.

@MsFrog i dont think your being unreasonable. When i spoke to my DH some years after my emergency C-sec he told me that he was worried for me and thought id die. Hearing that now, it makes sense why he was so useless as he was sat there emotionless. I was thinking at the time he was dumb and not supporting me as i was shaking uncontrollably and getting shouted at by the anaesthetist to stop fighting the tremors. (How do u cave in to the shakes)?

Anyway was your DH supportive even though he was petrified ? Is there anyone else that could sit with you? I would definitely speak your concerns over with your midwife. From what I've read planned C-secs are calmer. Maybe that may help him? Xx

I don't think that's entirely fair though, @Boomerwang. Subjecting a potentially traumatised person to the same form of trauma right before a child is brought into the world (with everything that brings) doesn't sound like it'll help anyone. I understand it's unfair that OP doesn't get the choice to opt out, but "being there for one another" doesn't mean solely prioritising OP in this circumstance because it might not help anyone out post-birth.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him not to want to. It’s scary and I think dads end up feeling like a useless third wheel.

It would be very unreasonable for him not to suck it up and do it though.

‘I know it’s crap anc scary, it’s generally a really unpleasant thing to go through. I understand you’d rather not have to go through it again but neither would I. I’d rather wait in the waiting room too and avoid the whole thing, but I can’t and I’m terrified so you can’t either. We are a team and I don’t feel like it should be a ‘choice’ for you anymore than it’s a ‘choice’ for me. I will need your support more than ever.’

What if he is experiencing some kind of tangible trauma from the previous birth though? It sounds like he has some deep reservations about witnessing the ELCS, and I'd be hesitant to put someone in that room with potential triggers when OP will need a lot of support and mutual collaboration post-birth. Unless there's no one else available to provide support, I think there does need to be some kind of mutual compromise

provide support during the birth*

I'm one of those people who thinks that men haven't much place being there at the birth anyway so I while I don't think you are being pathetic or anything, I don't think you need take this to heart too much or see it as signifying anything about your husband/your relationship. You will be in the hands of professionals in what will hopefully be a calm and clinical atmosphere and all will be well.

I’m sorry but I do agree with @Boomerwang. If his trauma was so severe that he feared he wouldn’t be able to be present during a subsequent birth, then he needed to get help for it. The time and way to deal with it isn’t a nonchalant, “Dear, you know that thing we’ve got on for Tuesday? The c-section? Would you mind terribly if I stayed home?” Pardon???? It’s like he was relying on COVID to keep him from being able to be there so he wouldn’t have to say anything and now that’s not the case, he’s having to come up with a plan B.

Now, IF, on the other hand, he has talked at length about how traumatizing he found the whole thing, and tried to access counseling but was thwarted by this damn pandemic, and has tried to face his fears since you both decided to TTC but has still found himself no better off until now at the last minute, then I would perhaps cut him some slack. But is that really what happened? Because this is what OP would have had to have done to face her fears. I understand she “has” to be there as the pregnant woman, but I don’t think we should ask less of the child’s other parent simply because he’s make?

Male, not make. Sigh.

Bella678 I would have a conversation with him & ask him if he minded if your mum came in theatre with you instead, he may be relieved.

YANBU at all. I just had my first baby by way of a fairly traumatic emergency c-section, and my totally needle-phobic, faints-around-blood husband didn’t leave my side. He was an inexpressible comfort to me and I would be devastated if he wanted to leave me alone for any future c-section.

Hopefully your husband just needs reminded that this is very much about your wants and needs, not his.

As others have said, an elective CS is actually a very calm experience. I think you should just tell him that Yes, you do need him there.

With my first, DH went with the nurse/doctor to the other side of theatre while the baby was cleaned up & checked over. It really helped me that he was with the baby while it was out of sight. He then held the baby while they finished the operation, as I could see her better that way.
With my second, I was offered skin to skin, and she was put on my chest and covered in a blanket while they sewed me up. He then held her while they got me ready to leave theatre.

Both times it was in my birth plan that he would go with the baby if there were any issues.

Best wishes for you both 💐

@Changethetoner

He was obviously really traumatized by the emergency c-section last time. It's not that he doesn't want to be there for the birth. He is scared. If you say you want him to attend, I'm sure he will. But he's asked you if you really do want him to, because he is afraid. It's not about not wanting to support you. (that's how I see it anyway).

You both must be really scared and anxious. Try to be loving and supportive to each other, but it is not a competition - who is more scared, or who is more brave. Respect and understand that it is hard for you both. You don't have a choice to attend the birth, he does. But that doesn't mean he won't, it means he has been brave enough to voice his fear.

Yep couldn't have said it better than this.

I cant imagine how traumatic that was for both of you but I feel like I'd rather be the one ill in hospital than watch my husband be.

@Changethetoner

He was obviously really traumatized by the emergency c-section last time. It's not that he doesn't want to be there for the birth. He is scared. If you say you want him to attend, I'm sure he will. But he's asked you if you really do want him to, because he is afraid. It's not about not wanting to support you. (that's how I see it anyway).

You both must be really scared and anxious. Try to be loving and supportive to each other, but it is not a competition - who is more scared, or who is more brave. Respect and understand that it is hard for you both. You don't have a choice to attend the birth, he does. But that doesn't mean he won't, it means he has been brave enough to voice his fear.

I agree with this!

It sounds like what happened before frightened him.

It sounds like his comments come from a place of fear and trauma than being an arsehole.

My first birth involved a long labour, 2 hours of pushing and being whisked off to theatre. It was lunchtime after an all nighter and while DH had dozed in the early hours, he was bloody exhausted without g& a or pethadine to take the edges off. DS1 was whisked off to NICU and I sent DH off to go with baby while I was stiched up and sent to recovery. That was the most useful bit of him being there.

It certainly wasn't nice for me, but it can't have been nice for him. I rang him from HDU at 10pm that night and we spoke on the phone, and he was that exhausted that the next day, he had no recollection of the call.i was worried about him driving home after minimal rest in over 36 hours.

We're not great at addressing mothers' trauma about birth, but we barely acknowledge that it can also be traumatic being witness as a birth partner. That should not take-away from the mother's experience. If you watched your partner go through a car crash then have emergency surgery, it would be acknowledged that that's traumatic to observe, and the outcome of a cute baby from birth doesn't change the fear experienced.

I had a VBAC second time and while the appointment on Labour Ward to discuss appropriate birth management and visit in a calm state to reset my distress were for me, it was also beneficial and empowering for DH in knowing how to be a bit more practical in support.

It certainly shouldn't be made about him, but it sounds like some talking and listening about his experience and feelings is needed.

I've had a natural birth ending in a ventouse and a planned section and the planned section was far quicker and calmer

I've had an emergency (buzzer pulled very quick) and an elective. Have to say their are like night and day, was so much calmer and relaxed definitely a positive experience not that the first one wasn't as I did have a healthy baby but it was very traumatic after a long induction. I know you are anxious too but he probably feels the same and he probably feels he can't do anything to help you. I would tell him that you need him there to comfort you and you are upset by what he said. Wish you best of luck

Wow, thank you everyone for all the considered responses. I know it's a tricky one. I hope it doesn't come across that I don't consider his feelings and fears, because I really do. Everyone has been so kind towards him, I feel like a really awful person now because I read each post and think "yes that's true", but then my selfish emotions go "but what about me?! It was much more traumatic for me! And I'm the one who's been through two full pregnancies, c section recovery, as well as 7 painful miscarriages before that. Can't he be strong for 45 minutes". Which makes me feel like a completely shit person.

I guess there are a lot of issues around lol. I will speak to my midwife. My DH is not a dick, as a PP asked - he's absolutely wonderful. I know he's just struggling, and he's not the reflective type so he won't have been thinking about it or accessing support.

Really, I love him and I want to support him, so I think I'll have to just say that he can make whatever choice he needs to, and it's my responsibility to genuinely mean that if I say it.

I'm really grateful for everyone's input, it's helped me reflect on things as honestly as I can.

@RightYesButNo

I’m sorry but I do agree with *@Boomerwang*. If his trauma was so severe that he feared he wouldn’t be able to be present during a subsequent birth, then he needed to get help for it. The time and way to deal with it isn’t a nonchalant, “Dear, you know that thing we’ve got on for Tuesday? The c-section? Would you mind terribly if I stayed home?” Pardon???? It’s like he was relying on COVID to keep him from being able to be there so he wouldn’t have to say anything and now that’s not the case, he’s having to come up with a plan B.

Now, IF, on the other hand, he has talked at length about how traumatizing he found the whole thing, and tried to access counseling but was thwarted by this damn pandemic, and has tried to face his fears since you both decided to TTC but has still found himself no better off until now at the last minute, then I would perhaps cut him some slack. But is that really what happened? Because this is what OP would have had to have done to face her fears. I understand she “has” to be there as the pregnant woman, but I don’t think we should ask less of the child’s other parent simply because he’s make?

This is very unfair. Denial is a pretty classic presentation of trauma. If we want to get into it then really it is the responsibility of both parents to ensure that past traumas are resolved before TTC again, but as we all know it’s hard to get post traumatic support for mothers and it’s near impossible for men.

Would it help to find a video of ELCS to watch together? Loads on youtube. I think it's a different ball game when you're not being whisked in under emergency conditions.

It's also worth considering what his experience will be like if he's not in the theatre - if he's worried what might happen, then waiting outside where he has no idea what's going on could potentially cause more anxiety than being present.

If he has specific concerns like seeing gory bits or feeling like a spare wheel then you could address those in your birth plan.

If he really doesn't want to come in then I'd find another birth partner if you're allowed OP.

I’m inclined to think this is his clumsily worded attempt to avoid what he probably found a traumatic experience. I suspect at this point he hasn’t considered how that makes you feel! Which is a shame, but hopefully unintentional.

This takes me back to 16 yrs ago- I had my first ‘emergency’ c-section alone, as my now EXH had fainted on the tour round the facility weeks earlier in the empty operating room, hit the table and dislocated his shoulder. Mortifyingly embarrassing. It was clear if I needed a c-section he would be utterly useless and a liability. Having it alone was the lesser of the 2 evils in my case. For us it was the right thing to do.