AIBU to be upset about what DH said about c section

[MsFrog]

Last night I was feeling really anxious about my impending ELCS. My last birth was long and difficult and ended in quite a traumatic EMCS. It was scary for both of us, obviously. Last night, I was saying how anxious I feel about going in now that it's getting closer, imagining the specifics and remembering last time (I know an ELCS will be different).

DH was being generally sympathetic, but then he said he might not come in with me, unless I want him to. He said if I'm "not bothered", then he maybe won't come in. I was a bit shocked. I said I was surprised that he wouldn't want to be there with me, as I couldn't imagine leaving him to go through something that big alone. He said "I know it's much worse for you, but it was hard for me as well."

I feel really upset by this. I can't believe he doesn't want to be there when the baby is born, but more than that, I'm so surprised he could hear me saying how anxious I was and then say he might not come in with me. And I being unfair to be upset? I know it must be hard for him to be there, but I feel like now I can't rely on his support at all. I had a quick look on Mumsnet, and I've seen other people's DH have felt the same and posters have said not to force the DH to be there, which makes me feel like I'm being pathetic and unreasonable.

Sorry I don’t feel sorry for him. He has to be there, you have to be he should be too. I had quite a traumatic induction and emergency c section... I could feel far too much of the c section and was in a huge amount of pain!

The elective c section is much easier, a breeze in fact!

But he needs to rise up to his responsibilities, you have no choice, he shouldn’t either and he needs to be there for you and the baby.

Yes, there is no way he should be seeing any cutting! The screen should be up. Mine was ax very calm process although it was technically an emergency- but it wasn’t really. All calm and lovely, DH could not see anything disturbing. He got to hold DC first while I was being put back together - no trauma, reassure him that it won’t be like the first time when there was an emergency. That sense of panic is awful (so I’ve been told) but mine was nothing like that.

Please talk to him OP. He needs to vocalize his feelings of trauma associated with your last birth and if he does, he may just feel strong enough to support you. How far along are you? Could he seek a few counselling sessions prior to the birth just to give him space to deal with his own feelings? He may be able to deal with yours once he's spoken about his own experience of the birth. Otherwise agree with having someone else there for support, mum, sister, doula?

I don't know; if he wasn't going to be much support due to not actually wanting to be there, feeling anxious and so on, I think I would want someone there who was able to focus on supporting me and had chosen to do it rather than being pressured into it.

OP, you're so not selfish. Some of the responses here re having to nanny your DH while in labour giving birth to his child sound a touch OTT.

Be honest. Say you're frightened. If he's too scared to come in, so be it, and get yourself a birth partner.

Cut the poor chap some slack! How does it help you if he's there, witnessing the surgery, and then passing out?
My DH was asked to leave as he was turning greener than the scrubs he was wearing and the consultant said that one patient in the theatre was quite enough.

I know my DP would definitely not cope if ever had to have a C section. He comes over all faint at the sight of a drop of his own blood. He was away working when I had my 4th miscarriage last year. It was tough being on my own but I think I'd have found it harder had he being with me freaking out at huge blood loss I had all over my chair and the bathroom floor. For me it was easier to have the support from him over the phone. Of course I'd still give him the choice if he wanted to be in the operating theatre or not but I think I'd rather he wait outside so he could be more hands on for when I'm back in recovery. Although that said if I needed a general anaesthetic I think I would be terrified then in case I didn't wake up

I'm a bit confused about this though. Is the idea that the DH is so fearful that the OP might die in the operating theatre? If so how could he prefer to turn his back and not be there/watch while that happened? He'd prefer for her to die alone, unsupported?

I appreciate trauma is not rational. But he has had 9 months (plus however long since they decided to have another child before conceiving) to rationalise it. To tell her about his fears. To seek appropriate support for them as a family or for himself as an individual. To tell her he just can't do it and that she needs another birth partner. Suddenly turning round a dropping this on her at the last minute is quite simply rubbish. It smacks of dog in the manger to me - HE doesn't want to be there, but he's left no room for her to have found and prepared a trusted other to be there in his place.

Trauma does not excuse you from having any consideration for others.

This is an awful situation all round.

You need to find out the current hospital policy re covid and birth partners and whether you could have someone else in for the delivery and your Dh afterwards or whether you are only allowed one person so no support for the delivery but Dh afterwards.

I had a rushed EMCS after a long labour with a baby in distress but mentally I was somewhere else to deal with the pain, Dh was running on no sleep and adrenaline. The man cannot watch even fictional shows about injury or illness (ER, Holby City) and yet watched the surgeon cut me open and continued to watch until Ds was out. I was shocked.

Second time I had an ELCS but we had already talked through how traumatic the first birth was for both of us. He did admit that given the choice he wouldn't want to repeat it however he knew that I had no choice and so his decision was that he would be there. I did think he was going to pass out from the spinal block going in. He wasn't watching but knew what they were doing, he was about 10 feet away in the same room as me.

However, once we got into the theatre he again watched the whole thing. Completely surprised me again.

An ELCS is completely different in every way. The calmness is incredible as is the pace. It did make me realise just how rushed the first one was but it was totally different.

Perhaps you could both ask for some straight information about what to expect.

I appreciate trauma is not rational. But he has had 9 months (plus however long since they decided to have another child before conceiving) to rationalise it.

"Trauma is not rational. By now he should have rationalised it". Yes, that makes sense.

I get that many posters see these threads as yet another example of a man letting a woman down and desrving censire for doing so, but put the bullshit aside for a moment: this is one human being feeling unable to properly support another human being, the pontificating about his failings should take a back seat to OP being supported to find someone who WILL be of use to her as she undergoes major surgery.

*deserving censure

I wonder if some previous posters have stopped to consider if their words are genuinely helpful to the OP.

I agree it sounds like he's scared and worded it terribly.

I had 2 elcs, you honestly will be fine. Even though my DH was fine during the first one, he nearly passed out during the second. Literally had to be held up by the nurses so he didn't fall off the stool. Some people just don't do well with medical procedures.

"Trauma is not rational. By now he should have rationalised it". Yes, that makes sense.

I get that many posters see these threads as yet another example of a man letting a woman down and desrving censire for doing so, but put the bullshit aside for a moment: this is one human being feeling unable to properly support another human being, the pontificating about his failings should take a back seat to OP being supported to find someone who WILL be of use to her as she undergoes major surgery.

Well said. I highly doubt all the people piling in on a man who the OP says is a good guy is really helping the poor OP who is due for surgery soon.

It would be nice if there were practical suggestions about finding an alternative partner, or speaking to a doula, or her husband having someone to speak to before the c section so he can support the OP, rather than people calling him all the names under the sun.

There are, @LolaSmiles, but they are getting lost in the ire.

An elective is a hugely different experience all around to an emergency, it will be fast and calm, and you are more likely to be bored and hungry than anything else (tell him to bring snacks).
It's understandable he was scared the last but he needs to be there to support you, or help you find someone who will. You're not being in anyway unreasonable wanting someone there you can trust.

Oh OP, I can see how hard this must be for you. It does sound like fear, rather than any lack of care for you on his part. I have worked in obstetric theatres and an emergency section is very different from an elective one. It will be calm, quiet, peaceful and most of all, controlled. Everything will be explained to both of you by the anaesthetist and there will be a chance for you (and him) to ask questions. Very different from all the rushing, clattering, and urgency of an emergency section.

I'm surprised at the comments about fathers standing, or sisters being able to see everything. We always put a seat by the mum's head, and got the partner to sit facing headwards, so nothing would be visible at all. Plus it made them less likely to faint

Of course he should be with you to support you, and it must be disappointing that he's suggested opting out, but if you can both be reassured that this time will be very different, hopefully that will ease his, and your, concerns a little. Best of luck.

EmilySpinach
You're right. I should have said 'more's suggestions.
Quite a lot of people have been really kind and helpful

Eh, I don't think 'you can't expect anything else of him because of his trauma' is particularly helpful to the OP either. I don't think her DH has handled this situation particularly well - if he'd said "I'm so so sorry, I've done all I can to come to terms with this but I just don't think I can cope being there, how else can I help to make sure you're supported?" some time along the way then that would be much more understandable than last-minute "I'll be there if you want but I might not if you're not bothered," when she quite clearly IS bothered.

That said, if he's generally a decent man it sounds like it's coming from a place of not really thinking through what he's saying. Possibly from his point of view, "I'll be there if you want but I'd rather not if you aren't bothered" is just straightforwardly giving her the option, and he wasn't thinking at all about how she might feel to be making that decision with the extra weight of knowing he doesn't want to be there.

So OP, I'd probably make my expectations and wishes absolutely clear, and not feel guilty for saying them. If you really want him there and he really really can't bear to be there, then you'll have to hash out some kind of a solution. But if you do really want him there, you shouldn't feel obliged to plaster on a smile and pretend you don't mind because 'he's traumatised'. His feelings don't override yours; you were there for the scary birth too!

My husband did not want to be there for my first birth but I dragged him in. He hated it. He went missing for most of my labour and then when I was pushing, he hid behind the bed. I don't think he would have come with me for a CS. Later I overheard him speaking to his mum and he said the reason he went missing was because he couldn't bare to see me in pain and thought he might make me feel worse. He thought my mum was supporting me well enough so he should just leave.
I'm pregnant again now and as a family we have decided its best if he stays home with DS and my mum come with me again, and Covid permitting his mum will take his place. I told him this means he may not see the baby for a few days, (last time I had to stay in hospital for a few days, but he said that's ok for him because it's better for me)
I don't think he has meant this in a way to upset you, more that he doesn't feel he is best suited to go in with you. I think you should have a conversation with him and let him know how you are feeling and that you do really want his support.

Personally I didn't want anyone at the birth of my son, birth is not a spectator sport and other people would have stressed me out. It was lovely giving birth with just me and professionals and it was really calm, I had an epidural which worked very well and a vac extraction and stitches up to my ears.
My husband of the time would have been farting and flapping about and I couldn't stand it.
I can't help thinking your husband will not be any good in this situation, my nurses were great and kept me calm.
It's a shame he'll miss out seeing the birth of his child - I had that joy on my own and it was very special to me.

I agree with @Changethetoner

It may be that in the process of each of you explaining your fears that something can shift and be worked out between you.

EG right now you are scared and don't want to be alone. He is scared and doesn't want to have to experience it. At the moment it is she wants X, he wants Y.

By talking about it those positions/feelings could change/come closer together - simply by feeling understood and being able to work out what it is you each actually feel, you might get to a point where you agree you both want Z.