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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushing DC to leave home

284 replies

Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 15:59

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

OP posts:
AIMD · 08/12/2020 22:19

@Leaannb it’s actually quite funny. So a 25 year old living at home, who works and saves for a deposit for his own house......is probably more ‘in dependant’ than an child who left at 18 because they were given a ton of family to use for their education and home.

SweatyBetty20 · 08/12/2020 22:19

I went away to college to train as a chef, but came back because I got a job at home. I was on early shifts so by the time my mum and dad got home the washing and ironing had been done and there was a meal in the table. I wasn’t forced to do this - I liked helping my mum and dad, and it gave them time to go on days out at weekends knowing that everything was done at home. And I paid keep, and drove my mum around a bit because she didn’t drive. When I was 22 she got cancer and I cared for her for two years before she died. I then lived at home for the next four years with my dad while we grieved and recovered.

My dad died when I was 34 and I cared for him too. I am so glad I stayed at home for as long as I did - I got to spend time with them while I could. And that’s why I initially stayed - because I liked spending time with my mum and dad. Have any of you who want your kids to leave sooner rather than later thought that the reason why your kids want to stay at home a bit isn’t because they are taking the piss, or delaying independence, but because they love you and enjoy being with you?

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 22:21

[quote WinterWhore]@Leaannb you are absolutely vile. I hope they leave you and never look back.[/quote]
She’s not vile at all. It’s the attitude parents always used to have before before home ownership and a university education became the holy grail.

When I was 18 just 5% of the population were graduates. The rest of us were earning our living at 18 and most of us were desperate to live in a place of our own. That usually meant living in a grotty furnished flat. Parents equipped their kids for independent living and expected them to fly the nest.

CherryPavlova · 08/12/2020 22:33

When I was 18 just 5% of the population were graduates. The rest of us were earning our living at 18 and most of us were desperate to live in a place of our own. That usually meant living in a grotty furnished flat. Parents equipped their kids for independent living and expected them to fly the nest.
Not a world of young adulthood in the 80s I remember. Almost without exception friends from a very poor area who started work at sixteen and those fortunate enough to go to university we’re still living at home in their twenties. Time away in student accommodation, but home in between. Far more common was staying home until you wed.

CherryPavlova · 08/12/2020 22:35

Where did I say my children couldn't visit with me? No where. I said they couldn't live with me except for very specific reasons and they would need to pull their own way. My family is not poor. Not even my children. My 5yo has to pay income tax because of her earnings. They are given every opportunity in life imaginable.

So unimaginable wealth, but barely literate? Interesting combination.

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 22:36

Not a world of young adulthood in the 80s I remember

Did I mention the 80s? I was 18 in 1971. Nobody in the circles I moved stayed at home until they married. Most of us lived in flat or house shares.

CherryPavlova · 08/12/2020 22:38

VinylDetective Apologies, I assumed I was one of the oldest people around. You didn’t say 80s at all, but I assumed.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/12/2020 22:42

So unimaginable wealth, but barely literate? Interesting combination. Grin

JaceLancs · 08/12/2020 22:45

I really don’t get it either
DD is living nearby with partner - if it didn’t work out she would be very welcome here
DS 27 still lives here - it’s like having a flat mate with extra connections - he pays more than his way - we share chores - give each other plenty of space and co exist happily - truth be told I would miss the cash as well as the company!
I will miss him when he moves out

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 08/12/2020 22:48

I think there is a fantasist/troll on this thread. 🤪

Heyahun · 08/12/2020 22:56

Gawd yeah I always wonder about this on here!! I lived at home while at uni as it was in the same city - as did most of my friends! Went travelling for a year after then came home to my parents house til I was 25!!

Il be moving back with them again at 32 with my husband to save and finally get our own home!

I did my own cooking from the age of 17/18, had been cleaning the house from top to bottom from the age of about 15, did my own washing etc!

It’s probably your own fault if you have an adult child who still behaves like a teenager - surely if they were made do their bit around the house From a young age then having them live there with you isn’t a burden

arggghhhhh · 08/12/2020 23:01

I want mine to stay as long as they want to. They will also be welcome back if they need to. My house will always be their home.

ClareBlue · 08/12/2020 23:04

My mum never asked us to leave but we were all charged 20 perc of what we earned plus food bill split between who lived there. We had all left home by 20 but some have been back due to life events.

Ours all left at 18 to either uni or work and none came back but they know they absolutely could if they were in crisis and did during lockdown so as to not become isolated.

Adult children really should leave their childhood home. Alot of posts here are saying how it is positive for the parents, which is not what it is about.
Also, having expectations that you can have the same standard of housing and comfort as a 20 year old as your parents have doesn't do anyone any good.
Some of the most selfish and weak and entitled adults I know (obs not all - this is a generalisation) are those that stayed in their childhood home as adults. They spend their 20s spending their disposable income on themself and become very self centered and helpless and have high expectations of life that they are unable to meet themselves. Very unattractive to potential partners.

Those that say it is different now. It is always different and adults adapt and find a way. You do your adult children no favours making them dependant on you for their housing when they are an adult.

sneakysnoopysniper · 08/12/2020 23:05

Back in the late 1950s/early 1960s my parents attitude was that I was a "guest" in their home and had to "pay for my keep" as soon as I left school. To be honest I couldnt wait to leave home as it was a very small house and I was sharing with my sister. So no privacy. My mother thought it was acceptable to open my letters and search my wardrobe to see what new clothes I had bought. I was also studying for my professional exams so could not afford my own place until I qualified. As soon as that happened (age 22) I got my own flat.

All the time I lived there my parents never knew what I earned as I was paid via the bank. I took out an accommodation address and had all my correspondence sent there. My parents got what I decided to give them for my "keep" - which was what my friends tipped up.

I would have starved on the streets rather than gone back to my parents home.

BailarLaBamba · 08/12/2020 23:19

As mentioned before, there are entire countries and cultures where it is TOTALLY NORMAL to live at home until you get married.These are not countries full of inept adults who rely on their parents for everything and have no idea how to manage money or live independently. They are just normal adults like you and I.

Thus, the idea that by getting your children to move out as soon as you can or charging them rent you don't need you are teaching them something that can't otherwise be taught is demonstrably false. So let's just stop going on about that one.

If your children are entitled, stupid, unable to manage their finances or perform basic adult tasks, etc., that's down to your own failings as a parent, not whether they lived on their own in their 20s or not.

WillSantaBeComingToTown · 08/12/2020 23:53

Mine both left at 16/17 to go boarding
1 returned at 18- left at 20- back at 22 as uni closed due to covid (well not closed but on line)
The other left at 17, went to uni a 19 until 22. Back at 23 until 25 when bought own house

I am very flexible. We are lucky that we live in a townhouse ad they can have a floor. They do lots of housework, cook in turn, do shopping occasionally, look after the dog

They pay no rent- they put £200 a month into house buying ISA which rose to saving £1500 for the eldest a month when working after uni.

I like it when they are gone but also enjoy it when they are back.

I quite like my children and enjoy being with them as adults.

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/12/2020 23:58

@BailarLaBamba in which countries do men routinely live at home until they are married yet are still expected to pull their weight around the home?

Rainallnight · 09/12/2020 00:09

I feel so sad reading this about all the posters who were pushed out of their homes. Flowers to you

timeisnotaline · 09/12/2020 00:17

We mostly moved out by early-mid 20s which seemed reasonable to me, but there was lots of moving back in around travel. My 30something brother lived at home the last couple of years before buying a house early this year. Dh & I moved back in with my parents with our dc for 6 months while we found a house after moving from OS. Etc etc.

Twobrews · 09/12/2020 00:27

Personally, I couldn't wait to leave home and did so at 19.
Our DC can stay as long as they like, although DH and I have decided that once he hits 55 if they're still here we'll move out and leave them to it Grin

dancinfeet · 09/12/2020 00:39

My girls are 16 and 20 and their home is with me for as long as they want it to be. Independence is fully encouraged and they can leave home whenever they so choose but I will never tell them they have to move out. I was married quite young in my early 20s and exH was violent, I had literally nowhere to go as both of my parents were deceased, and my older siblings would just tell me to go back to him. It took several years before I found the courage and saved up enough money to leave with my two small children, in which time he permanently destroyed my self confidence and my trust in men. I have never had a partner since. I want my daughters to know that if they are ever in a situation in their life where they want to return home, that my door will always be open and that my home will be their home if they need it to be.

dayslikethese1 · 09/12/2020 00:39

Do these adult children not want to move away eventually though? I just can't imagine wanting to live with my parents well into adulthood. But I get that others feel differently. My DM has certain routines and ways she likes things done for example and I like to do things my own way. Plus I don't think she'd have been happy for me to bring my ONSs back through my early 20s Grin

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2020 00:47

[quote Mariearistocat]@Marylou62 they are 19 and 18[/quote]
Because I wanted children, not a house share.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2020 00:49

@BailarLaBamba

As mentioned before, there are entire countries and cultures where it is TOTALLY NORMAL to live at home until you get married.These are not countries full of inept adults who rely on their parents for everything and have no idea how to manage money or live independently. They are just normal adults like you and I.

Thus, the idea that by getting your children to move out as soon as you can or charging them rent you don't need you are teaching them something that can't otherwise be taught is demonstrably false. So let's just stop going on about that one.

If your children are entitled, stupid, unable to manage their finances or perform basic adult tasks, etc., that's down to your own failings as a parent, not whether they lived on their own in their 20s or not.

But at what age do they get married?

Here, 22 used to be the rough age for marriage. So you didn't often have adult children hanging around for years and years.

BailarLaBamba · 09/12/2020 01:05

But at what age do they get married?

Similar to the UK in my home country. Some sections of society tend to marry younger, some older. But on average late 20s.