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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pushing DC to leave home

284 replies

Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 15:59

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

OP posts:

movingonup20 · 09/12/2020 06:59

I have my 21 year old back from university, it isn't easy, she's up until 3-4 am, I can heat talking to friends, I can put up with it for 2 weeks until she goes to her grandparents for Christmas but would be hard permanently. Once they are fully functioning adults unless you have a huge house it's hard to accommodate independent adults

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 09/12/2020 07:11

I feel exactly the same way and will be keeping any rent money they pay me for their future needs. Mine are 15, 16 and 10. I dread them leaving but its their choice. I think covid has made it even harder for kids to find jobs and I'd like mine to save for a house deposit and live at home for uni. However our eldest has adhd and is difficult to live with in terms of noise, mess and arguments so my dh might not cope much longer. Our plan is to move to a bigger house in two years which can house us all comfortably in the long term.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 09/12/2020 07:12

Sorry that was in reply to boymumzy who doesn't want her kids to leave, me neither!!

Crimblecrumble1990 · 09/12/2020 07:23

I agree OP. I think having children is a very selfish thing to do, they didn't ask to be born, why would I feel the need to kick them out when they turn 18 to 'get my life back' as if they owe me??

Obviously in the interim I hope to have raised them to be independent, adventurous, good with money etc etc so they would move out when they reach adulthood anyway. But if for whatever reason they need to stay with me longer or move back, they are my child for life and they are always welcome.

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/12/2020 07:30

@winterbabythistime

My children are 4yo and newborn. DS1 asked the other day why people don't live with their mummy's and daddy's when they're grown up, he seemed upset by it. I told him he can always live with me if he wants to and I meant it- ask me again when he's 40 though

That is a sweet age. DS was going to build a treehouse for us to all live in forever

Miamarshmallows · 09/12/2020 07:41

Very short sighted to say a person can only be resilient if they moved out.
I know an adult at home who has been through some very challenging times. She does a lot around the house and has been through more than most her age.
Unlike a 25 year old who happens to have a partner or friends they can move in with who has had quite an easy life and not had many challenges. I think it's really silly to say that leaving home is the only way you can gain resilience.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2020 07:48

My children will have a home here as long as they need one. It might be my house but it is their home too until they are in a position to make one of their own. As we live near London, that might take a while.

They will always be welcome back if they need somewhere.

Morechocolateneeded · 09/12/2020 08:09

I think it depends on the parents' financial situation and, of course, on the behaviour of the child.
Personally, I feel that once a child is 18 and has their own income (student loan or wages), it's not a given that they treat your home as their own. If you can't easily afford to have them at home, they need to contribute financially. If they don't behave in a way that makes it nice to have them at home, then it's fine to ask them to leave. The duty to give them a home they have an absolute right to stay in, without any financial contribution, ceases when they become adults with the capacity to be independent.

gamerchick · 09/12/2020 08:10

@BailarLaBamba

As mentioned before, there are entire countries and cultures where it is TOTALLY NORMAL to live at home until you get married.These are not countries full of inept adults who rely on their parents for everything and have no idea how to manage money or live independently. They are just normal adults like you and I.

Thus, the idea that by getting your children to move out as soon as you can or charging them rent you don't need you are teaching them something that can't otherwise be taught is demonstrably false. So let's just stop going on about that one.

If your children are entitled, stupid, unable to manage their finances or perform basic adult tasks, etc., that's down to your own failings as a parent, not whether they lived on their own in their 20s or not.

Anyone can find a culture to suit whatever agenda they've got going on.

Eg. Some cultures breastfeeding is the business, embraced, celebrated and kids are fed right into childhood. Yet it's balked at on here.

Handy to have a culture to suit your own views on another topic though isn't it?

Starting to see why young people just aren't resilient these days. Talk about arse wiping.

Porcupineinwaiting · 09/12/2020 08:19

My children will always have a home with me if they need one - but the expectation is that, as adults, mostly they wont. I do think a lot of what is being spoken of on this thread says more about the parent's fear of abandonment than young people tbh.

Bugoluu · 09/12/2020 08:23

My ideal is to be a safety net for my children. We often hear on mumsnet of people leaving bad partners quickly and I would like to think my kids would know that they can always turn up at my door for support in an emergency.

I moved out of home for university (but came back for the summers as my accommodation ended), and then came back at the end of uni. I know very few people who were in the financial position to have well paid jobs, deposits etc to move straight from uni to private rented. I then left and moved into shared housing which was my choice but if I had stayed at home another year or so I could of had a deposit for a mortgage really. All my uni loans etc took into account my parents wages and even had a suggested amount they would be financing so there would have been no way I could have been financially independent at that point.

My partner did similar, left home, came back after uni, then moved in with a partner, came back when that relationship broke down, moved out for a job with accommodation, that job ended so moved back in for a few weeks while we waited to move into our new place.

Neither of our parents could support us with money things like deposits for rented houses (my current deposit for a 1 bed house is about 1,500 and it was also about 400 in fees, as well as first months rent upfront) but they could offer us breathing space to get that money together.

It would have damaged my relationship and trust in my parents if they had closed the doors at 18, but I wouldn't blame my parents if they didnt have the room, but it's an enormous help to know I have a safety net if everything goes wrong.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2020 08:26

Starting to see why young people just aren't resilient these days. Talk about arse wiping.

Knowing you will always have a home to go to isn't "arsewiping". I bought my own home at 23 but I always knew there would be a home with my parents if I needed it. I can't imagine caring so little for my children that they can't call this home whenever they need to. I didn't stop being a parent when they reached 18.

thecatsthecats · 09/12/2020 08:29

@Miamarshmallows

Very short sighted to say a person can only be resilient if they moved out. I know an adult at home who has been through some very challenging times. She does a lot around the house and has been through more than most her age. Unlike a 25 year old who happens to have a partner or friends they can move in with who has had quite an easy life and not had many challenges. I think it's really silly to say that leaving home is the only way you can gain resilience.

I personally didn't say resilience but experience, which is 100% true, in the same way that someone who's been to Vienna can't say that they have experienced Vienna. Or another analogy - I have a history degree, which is one way to acquire knowledge of history. It doesn't prevent a keen enthusiast from learning, but it does mean that I'm more likely to know about history than your average person.

Unless you've lived with other people than your immediate family, you lack a certain sort of domestic experience of living with other types of people. That's a neutral statement of fact.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/12/2020 08:31

The longer I spend on MN, (and it has been far too long this year), the more I'm astounded by some posters attitudes to their kids. Surely even if a friend was in need of a base, for whatever reason, you would welcome them into your home. Why are people so harsh about their own offspring.

The same goes for giving lifts - you hear so often "tell them to get the train, I wouldn't put myself out for an 17/18 year old" .... pissing down with rain, I'd give a mate a lift any day if I was free.

With younger kids not liking certain foods ... "keep giving it to them, they'll cave in the end" ..... would you dream of giving a friend the same meal they couldn't stand?

It seems like kindness and compassion are sorely lacking in some people on here.

leafcar · 09/12/2020 08:35

YANBU, I don't get it either. I would rather support my kids so they can save for a house deposit rather than go into renting to move out younger & quicker (speaking from experience).
Age is subjective and circumstances are different for everyone.

NerrSnerr · 09/12/2020 08:50

I think there's a massive difference between your child always being able to move home if they need and the expectation that they live at home unit they save for a house deposit.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/12/2020 08:53

While I don't plan to kicking my dc out, I do hope they manage to live independently once they reach adulthood. I think they will struggle to understand exactly what it is to be an adult without having to do adult things, which include maintaining a home and managing to live within your means. While I am sure I will miss them, I would feel I'd rather failed as a parent if I raised dc who couldn't manage these things as adults.

DuesToTheDirt · 09/12/2020 09:00

I have two graduates at home - a home that belongs to all of us, not just me and DH. I love having them here, and they will always be welcome. I do want them to leave at some point, but for their sake not mine, so they can develop their own lives.

GreekOddess · 09/12/2020 09:05

My children are welcome to return home after university to save a deposit to buy a property. I would like them to have that advantage.

I left home at 18. Dh left home at 23. We are both welcome in our parents homes. My mum lives in a retirement cottage but when she still lived in the family home I had a key and was welcome to just turn up. I didn't have to book a visit. Likewise with dh he is welcome to rummage through his mums cupboards and eat the snacks! Not that we ever would because we are self-sufficient but I like being made to feel welcome and I want my children to feel the same.

Some of the attitudes on here are very sad. It's not something I have encountered in real life. The only people I know who were desperate for their children to get out of the door once they turned 18 are generally not nice people anyway.

Holyrivolli · 09/12/2020 09:23

I’m hoping that mine will leave home in their early twenties/ following uni. I won’t set a hard deadline but I’d be disappointed if they don’t seek independence and want to live their own lives. Of course in a crisis then I’d always have them back but I don’t think it’s healthy and rather sad for adults to continue relying on their parents to that extent into their twenties and thirties.

Might be different if we lived somewhere like London with ridiculous housing costs but we live in a small town with relatively cheap housing so I’d be disappointed if they chose to stay here as a young adult in a deadend job which didn’t even fund them living separately.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/12/2020 09:29

In RL, I know a few Pepe who've allowed their 18-20 to stay home, keeping all their money earned from employment, and still doing things for them as before such as cooking evenings meals.

Problem is they are now in their mid 20s and still expect the same. The kids love it, spend their disposable money on fun things and don't want to move and instead use that money to pay for bills.

The conflict happens then because there is no incentive for the youngsters to move...until their parents make it unbearable but by then, relationships are down the drain and it's very sad.

I think kids should aim to leave home once they have a FT job however tight it is financially. No issue coming back for a few month/a year if they face hardship but they should be taking all steps to move out again.

Morechocolateneeded · 09/12/2020 09:33

It just feels unnatural to me to have an adult child living with their parents without pulling their weight both financially and practically. I will compromise over the student period.

BailarLaBamba · 09/12/2020 09:43

Anyone can find a culture to suit whatever agenda they've got going on

Eg. Some cultures breastfeeding is the business, embraced, celebrated and kids are fed right into childhood. Yet it's balked at on here

Handy to have a culture to suit your own views on another topic though isn't it?

Well, if someone was arguing that the only way to raise kids who are able to eat normal food is to stop breastfeeding at 18 months, then yes you would bring up cultures that breastfeed beyond that age as evidence that they're talking shit.

Which is what I did. I don't know how you missed that point so spectacularly.

crimsonlake · 09/12/2020 09:55

My home will always be my children's home and is here whenever they need it. They have gone off in to the world now, but know it is always here for them.

MegaClutterSlut · 09/12/2020 09:57

My dcs can stay as long as they want as long as they're respectful and contribute to the household.
The only reason I would kick them out is if they're arseholes but thats it. I would never say right you're 25 now, you fuck off out my house but chances are they'll leave before then anyway

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