Page 7 | Pushing DC to leave home

Mariearistocat · 2020-12-08T15:59:22+00:00

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion. I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out. Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected. I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too. Am I the only one?

MessAllOver · 08/12/2020 20:37

How long are you happy for them to stay? Are you happy for them to move partners/spouses in? Bring up their children in your home?

I know a couple of guys (and it does seem to often be men) still living at home in their early 30s. I'm also good friends with the ex girlfriend of one of them, who split up with him because after 4 years together he didn't see the point in getting a flat together as he'd have to pay rent and bills which he didn't have to at home (she was in a flatshare).

There's clearly a balance to be struck but it can go too far.

jblue2018 · 08/12/2020 20:38

Hand on heart I would let my children stay at home as long as they needed/wanted to. No rent. It’s their home too until they have their own. This is how I was brought up and I yo-yo-d back and forth until 24 and then moved out for good. But I know now aged 30 if anything ever happened with our house/jobs they’d have me back in a heart beat! Even with my kids and husband in tow . To me that’s normal and I would do the same for my kids.

2pinkginsplease · 08/12/2020 20:41

Our children are welcome to stay with us for a second long as they want on the condition they are working and are respectful!

Dh and I left home when we got married, I was 23 and he was 26.

mooncakes · 08/12/2020 20:43

I really love my children, but I'm hoping they all want to move out by 20ish!

DH and I are planning to downsize by then anyway...

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 20:52

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide

Our oldest child won't be 18 for another 10 years but we have already decided that none of them will be pushed to move out, why would we want rid of them ASAP? If they are working and paying their share then they can stay if that's what they want to do. Can't understand people wanting rid of their kids, it's not like they'll stop you doing anything, they'll be adults!

It’s more about what living with their parents stop them from doing. This poster has it spot on:

I still want my children to have fun though, living independently, going out, having sex lives, meeting people and I just feel that staying at home rather inhibits some of this stuff, or perhaps everyone treats it like a flat share and it's all fine

Original poster

Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 20:52

@MessAllOver I am happy for them to stay for however long they needed, but no I would not allow partners to move in. I have no issue with my children at home but I don’t want anyone else’s 🤣🤣.

They do contribute now that they are working and we have always encouraged them to save to be able to move out.

OP posts:

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 20:57

Poppingnostopping

I've also noticed that a lot of adult children that live at home end up quite content with not very well paid jobs.

This

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 21:01

I'm also good friends with the ex girlfriend of one of them, who split up with him because after 4 years together he didn't see the point in getting a flat together as he'd have to pay rent and bills which he didn't have to at home (she was in a flatshare).

DH's relative lost 3 girlfriends in his 20s this way. Eventually he gave in aged 34 and moved out.

He had spent years in a low paid low responsibility job that gave him a lot of time off, because not paying rent & Bill's meant he thought he had loads of money. He was in for a shock when he moved out, and is constantly dissatisfied that he can no longer afford his annual ski holidays, expensive hobbies and clothes.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 21:02

In most of the global cultures where people live at home till marriage, the typical age of marriage is quite a bit younger than the UK.

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 08/12/2020 21:02

I would be surprised if my kids didn’t have our home as their main base until 25, because by the time they’ve finished education and saved up enough for even a rental deposit that seems about the length it would take unless you expect them to forgo any kind of life in favour of saving, which seems a bit OTT to me.
Maybe it depends on where you live in the country. Loads of people live at home in the south east in their 20s. I don’t see it as a big deal at all, totally normal. I would see it as my responsibility to have somewhere they can come back to in their early 20s especially.

VettiyaIruken · 08/12/2020 21:05

Tbh I haven't seen any thread where the poster says aibu to kick my 25 year old out? He keeps his room tidy, cooks for us all twice a week, pays a share of the bills. He quite often puts a load on and he never brings one night stands home in the middle of the night, he hasn't moved his girlfriend in without asking and expected her to live for free and for us to wash her dirty undies...

It's more like his room looks like a lab growing mould in a dozen containers, he leaves skid marks in the loo, takes hour long showers, won't pay a penny towards anything, has a different random girl here every night and calls me a bitch if I won't give me money...

You'd need to be a saint or the world's biggest mug to not think on yer bike, pal.

VettiyaIruken · 08/12/2020 21:06

Him not me. 🙄

Skittlebug · 08/12/2020 21:13

@Leaannb fuck that depressed me, glad my mother was never like this

Ragwort · 08/12/2020 21:22

I would hope that my DS would want to leave home ... surely that's what most independent young people strive to do , I find it rather odd that young adults would choose to live at home rather than set up independently- yes, I know it's much tougher these days but I can remember the excitement of my first flat.

It's not that I would kick my DS out (he's currently at Uni) but I would gently encourage him to find his own place to live, I would also hope that he didn't end up just staying locally where job opportunities are rather limited so I fully expect him to move away.

TillyTopper · 08/12/2020 21:28

We have two 19yo DS. I can't imagine ever asking them to leave provided they respect us and the house. We regard it as the family home and I can't see us asking them to leave.

TheStarOnTheChristmasTree · 08/12/2020 21:34

DC1 (24) has recently moved back in and DC2 (20) is still living here. Both work and pay their way and have done since leaving college. I'm a single parent on a low income (but that's about to change, yay) so I couldn't have supported them financially. I think DD2 needs to try living independently just for the experience (she's at uni locally) but DD1 prefers it here with us to living elsewhere. They're both lovely and 95% of the time it all works really well and DD3 (13) loves having her sisters here.
No real rules to follow, just be respectful and considerate and no shoes on in the house!

IndieRo · 08/12/2020 21:37

I moved out at 20 as it was unbearable to live with my mother. She really didn't want her children living with her once we turned 18. My youngest sister lived there the longest but my mother would always say 24 out the door. The day my sister moved out she changed the locks. I wouldn't mind but my mother always went on about how she was thrown out of her house at a young age and how hard her life was growing up. She repeated history with her children. My children are welcome to stay in their home as long as they are respectful, working, in education or saving for a deposit for a home of their own. They would be expected to pay rent though too.

Leaannb · 08/12/2020 21:45

[quote HmmSureJan]@Leaannb

Your posts disgust me. [/quote]
I disgust you because I fully expect to raise fully functional and responsible adults? Its my job to raise them and give them every advantage I can.and teach them everything I can. I do this. Itss on them to follow through with it. If they fail then that's their issue. They wasted their opportunity and their privilege. They get no help me from me. There are very few reasons why any of my adult children will ever move back in with me and even then they will pay fair market rate, utilities and their own food. Adults need to be responsible for themselves. Not being 25 or 26 and living with mommy and daddy.

WinterWhore · 08/12/2020 21:45

@Leaannb you are absolutely vile. I hope they leave you and never look back.

CherryPavlova · 08/12/2020 21:53

I disgust you because I fully expect to raise fully functional and responsible adults? Its my job to raise them and give them every advantage I can.and teach them everything I can. I do this. Itss on them to follow through with it. If they fail then that's their issue. They wasted their opportunity and their privilege. They get no help me from me. There are very few reasons why any of my adult children will ever move back in with me and even then they will pay fair market rate, utilities and their own food. Adults need to be responsible for themselves. Not being 25 or 26 and living with mommy and daddy.

I don’t know about disgusted, but it’s a sad read. We expect to have raised ours to be fully functional adults and managed pretty well. That doesn’t mean when our son was back from deployment he couldn’t come home and be indulged for a few days before he went back to his flat.
When our daughter finished her foundation programme and was awaiting the start of her GP training, it was lovely to have her and her partner staying whilst they bought their first home together.

Now it’s fun to have our daughter at home whilst she waits her ‘Big4’ graduate programme to start in February.

We don’t see any of that as failings, but people who love each other sharing life’s journeys and supporting each other. They pay nothing. It’s a privilege to be a part of the lives of these lovely young people and help them start out in life. They manage just fine but it’s nice to be part of their lives. We love them. It’s as simple as that.

speakout · 08/12/2020 22:01

We don’t see any of that as failings, but people who love each other sharing life’s journeys and supporting each other. They pay nothing. It’s a privilege to be a part of the lives of these lovely young people and help them start out in life. They manage just fine but it’s nice to be part of their lives. We love them. It’s as simple as that.

Excellent post.

Exactly how I feel about my adult children.

toconclude · 08/12/2020 22:04

@Leaannb

NO. Disabled adults are not 'still children whatever age they are' That's a grossly offensive notion.

shinynewapple2020 · 08/12/2020 22:07

Amongst our friends we are perhaps unusual that our 19 year old DS has moved out. This is only due to specific circumstances this year though - an empty property following death of an elderly relative and lockdown rules meaning that DS and his GF couldn't visit each other . And TBF although they are paying all bills etc they aren't paying any rent as the property is in limbo due to probate . DS paid us housekeeping when he lived at home and he certainly voiced wanting independence in a couple of years .

A lot of youngsters age 18+ are at uni though and generally after some independence they only go home again if they really have to .

Pipandmum · 08/12/2020 22:10

Totally happy for my kids yo stay as long as they want. My don will be 18 next year and we are moving to London, but he may stay where we are now for a year. But then I assume he will move in eith us, at least gif a time, as London is expensive. But I expect my daughter, who is still in school, will stay with my through university if she goes locally, and maybe beyond.

Leaannb · 08/12/2020 22:11

@CherryPavlova

I disgust you because I fully expect to raise fully functional and responsible adults? Its my job to raise them and give them every advantage I can.and teach them everything I can. I do this. Itss on them to follow through with it. If they fail then that's their issue. They wasted their opportunity and their privilege. They get no help me from me. There are very few reasons why any of my adult children will ever move back in with me and even then they will pay fair market rate, utilities and their own food. Adults need to be responsible for themselves. Not being 25 or 26 and living with mommy and daddy.

I don’t know about disgusted, but it’s a sad read. We expect to have raised ours to be fully functional adults and managed pretty well. That doesn’t mean when our son was back from deployment he couldn’t come home and be indulged for a few days before he went back to his flat.
When our daughter finished her foundation programme and was awaiting the start of her GP training, it was lovely to have her and her partner staying whilst they bought their first home together.

Now it’s fun to have our daughter at home whilst she waits her ‘Big4’ graduate programme to start in February.

We don’t see any of that as failings, but people who love each other sharing life’s journeys and supporting each other. They pay nothing. It’s a privilege to be a part of the lives of these lovely young people and help them start out in life. They manage just fine but it’s nice to be part of their lives. We love them. It’s as simple as that.

Where did I say my children couldn't visit with me? No where. I said they couldn't live with me except for very specific reasons and they would need to pull their own way. My family is not poor. Not even my children. My 5yo has to pay income tax because of her earnings. They are given every opportunity in life imaginable. When they leave high school they get full control of their monies plus the money we have saved for their University. They don't even have to use it for University. It is theirs to use as they see fit. If they have to come live with me (won't happen) it's because of their own stupidity. Except for very specific reasons I will not enable that. Its not like I'm throwing out at 18 penniless. They are leaving with enough cold hard cash to buy a home with. If they fail its because of their stupidity. No other reason