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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with this kid?

381 replies

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:20

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/12/2020 12:53

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

That's good news. At least the second in command sounds as though he is ashamed of himself so that's something. The ring leader came across as a total git so it is no surprise he tried to shift the blame and deny wrongdoing. I hope they come down on him like a tonne of bricks for it. Let's hope he has parents who see the wrong in this.
Mmmm, judging by his reaction I expect his parents will just write it off as 'harmless fun', or just say their 'little boy' is 'teasing' her Hmm
OP posts:
TheStarofCountyDown · 09/12/2020 12:55

InSpace I think you sound like a lovely mum; just the right mix of 'building resilience' and 'sticking up'. Good for you and happy it looks set to be resolved.

Hangingover · 09/12/2020 12:57

We had this all through school. The boys thought it as hilarious to tell us We "stank like fish", "urgh, what's that fishy smell?!", gave me an utter complex about my female.parts for years. And also, made me fucking hate boys for a very, very long time

Yep, remember this well. They'd chant "fishy fanny" at a girl until she was sobbing. Fucking disgusting.

Hangingover · 09/12/2020 12:58

Also the really bloody annoying thing it's it's men's bits that occasionally smell fishy even when healthy, not women's!

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 13:01

If it helps at all, by sharing this on here you have reminded me to watch what my boys are saying with this kind of stuff. Mine are still in primary and I've been very careful with teaching them respect but they can be so easily lead astray by a strong ring leader and turn into little shits themselves! It's been a reminder to be on guard for it; them being the ring leader but also to pay attention to what their friends are saying.

bebarkered · 09/12/2020 13:02

His coat pockets need filling with stinky canned tuna and pilchards. Be a nice find for him when he goes to cloakroom at the end of the school day

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/12/2020 13:08

@TheStarofCountyDown

InSpace I think you sound like a lovely mum; just the right mix of 'building resilience' and 'sticking up'. Good for you and happy it looks set to be resolved.
Aw thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/12/2020 13:10

@bebarkered

His coat pockets need filling with stinky canned tuna and pilchards. Be a nice find for him when he goes to cloakroom at the end of the school day
Or some of that fermented fish stuff that's been in a can for 40 years or summat GrinEnvy
OP posts:
SpaceOp · 09/12/2020 13:13

Sounds like it's being taken seriously by the school - which is good. Because it's not just bullying (bad enough) but sexualised bullying and/or sexual harassment and that's even worse. I'm glad the school understands that.

Beamur · 09/12/2020 13:29

Great update OP. Good to know that the school has acted swiftly and decisively.

Bbq1 · 09/12/2020 13:29

It's horrible but so are the threats of a group of older boys beating up a 12 year old child.

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/12/2020 13:32

@Bbq1

It's horrible but so are the threats of a group of older boys beating up a 12 year old child.
Ffs. That isn't going to happen, nor was it ever GOING to happen, if you read my posts Hmm
OP posts:
ContessaDiPulpo · 09/12/2020 13:39

Mmmm, judging by his reaction I expect his parents will just write it off as 'harmless fun', or just say their 'little boy' is 'teasing' her hmm

OP if they have the audacity to say this (to either you or the teachers), you would be entirely justified in calmly replying 'I'm sure you're aware that boys have taunted girls about smelling like fish for decades, and I'm sure you're aware that those taunts refer to vaginal odour. Do you really think those are acceptable remarks for your son to be making?'

Substitute words as appropriate in discussion with teachers (i.e 'I'm sure his parents are aware that.....'). Scare them with the word 'vaginal', go on. It's true after all, that is the implication.

MerlotSavedMyLife · 09/12/2020 13:43

Mmmm, judging by his reaction I expect his parents will just write it off as 'harmless fun', or just say their 'little boy' is 'teasing' her hmm

OP, I really liked the suggestion upthread about the local police / school liaison. It sounds like the boys and girls would benefit from a talk about misogyny in the context of hate crime (which it should be).

ImnotCarolineHirons · 09/12/2020 13:50

@Denthelp

Perhaps you could teach your daughter some of your wit, rather than relying on her adult brothers to scare and intimidate little children.

I'm assuming you're on the windup all the way through this thread (the fact you may actually believe your ridiculous posts is a worse thought) but calling a secondary school 12 year old who is using vile misogynistic insults about a girl's vagina a "little" child is just taking the biscuit Hmm it's hardly 5 year olds calling each other poo poo heads.

Denthelp · 09/12/2020 14:27

@ImnotCarolineHirons I’m not going to argue with you if that’s what you are hoping for.

As a PP pointed out it’s highly unlikely the 12 year old boy is going to view what he is saying in the same way adults are and even really understand. People need to calm down a bit and realise they are talking about a little child, because a 12 year old is just that. End of.

Glad the OP has sorted it without taking on the terrible advice of so many posters on this thread.

tallduckandhandsome · 09/12/2020 14:33

I hope the little shits are in a world of pain now with their parents!

I would hope so, but sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

WokesFromHome · 09/12/2020 14:35

Well done OP.

This stuff is not trivial at all and I hope his mum reads him the disrespecting women riot act. I would.

I remember someone at college being seen adjusting themselves and the poor girl was referred to as "Fanny Twanger" forever more. They even made up a song about it. 30 years later I'm still cringing on her behalf.

OracleOfDelphi2020 · 09/12/2020 14:49

He would have said this once and once only to my daughter. Little fucker.... At 12 he can only be yr8... what kind of school is it where your older children feel there are repercussions if this is dealt with? I live in a large city with a wide social demographic and I dont know of many schools where the schools are so ineffectual that people are scared to report behaviour.

My pleasant side tells me to say - report him to the school immediately for bullying and if they do nothing ask to see how they are fully their Anti bullying policy. The other side of me says my older boys would be waiting for him outside school to teach him some fucking manners towards women. Disgusting misogynist in training...

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 14:58

@Denthelp

Twenty or thirty years ago, a 12 year old was a young child but children grow up fast how. At 12, they know all about sex and about body parts and boys at that age know exactly what they are doing when they say girls smell fishy. They're not naive innocent little souls. They once exactly what it means and they know it's a bad thing to say, and evidenced by one of the boys being ashamed now that they've been caught and the main boy trying to pretend he didnt do it. They know what they were doing. They did it with the intention of embarrassing her and getting a laugh out of it.

Nowadays, 12 years olds are not innocent. They werent even innocent when I was 12. The boys in my school who did this knew exactly what they were doing, which is why our hear used to throw the book at them. He always said that they could bit use ignorance as an excuse because he knew, and all the staff knew, that the boys understood what they were saying so they were punished accordingly.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/12/2020 15:04

12 year old boys are not 'little children' - they're in the full throes of early puberty ffs. They've been doing sex education and know full well that what they're saying is nasty, spiteful girl-shaming.

Christ on a bike. The mental gymnastics required to defend this shitty male behaviour is exactly why girls and women STILL feel they 'shouldn't make a fuss'

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/12/2020 15:08

I didn't mean to insinuate it's a rough school where repercussions are guaranteed. It isn't. It's a good school in a medium sized country town. The anti-bullying policy is robust. As evidenced by the HOY's response. What my sons meant by repercussions was they felt 'snitching' might make things worse. Which is a commonly held view among young people of course.

OP posts:
TigerDrawers · 09/12/2020 15:17

I've been quietly following this thread and I'm glad HOY has taken it is as seriously as they have. I hope the peace continues for your DD @InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

There's no doubt that it's bullying. I was listening to a podcast this morning which made the interesting point that a lot of reactions to bullying is to protect the victim. This is, of course, needed but the standard response of simply punishing the perpetrator often only has the effect of either:

a) making it worse for the victim because the perpetrator is angry at them for getting them in to trouble; or
b) shifts their bullying on to a new victim.

Without additional intervention, they're unlikely to change their behaviour.

Very few places place any focus on identifying why the bully is doing what they are. As they said on the podcast, children are not born nasty. It's either learned behaviour from somewhere or indicative of problems elsewhere in their personal lives.

I hope in your case OP that a rollocking from their parents does the trick but as you say if the parents don't care, it's going to be difficult to persuade the child to change their ways.

Besom · 09/12/2020 15:23

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

If it helps at all, by sharing this on here you have reminded me to watch what my boys are saying with this kind of stuff. Mine are still in primary and I've been very careful with teaching them respect but they can be so easily lead astray by a strong ring leader and turn into little shits themselves! It's been a reminder to be on guard for it; them being the ring leader but also to pay attention to what their friends are saying.
I'm sure your boys will know the difference as they have you af home guiding them. There are boys in my dds class who are just normal 12 year old little shits and she has friendships with some of them. She will roll her eyes at their antics sometimes but it is not the same as another other group of boys who are more deliberately offensive and bullying in their behaviour.
jessstan1 · 09/12/2020 16:16

Good for you, op. I hope this has now put a stop to it.

You did everything right and it sounds as though the head of year has taken it seriously.

Flowers Excellent mum!

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