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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with this kid?

381 replies

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:20

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

OP posts:
TheGreatSloth · 08/12/2020 20:26

Oh my god. How hideous. That is sustained, sexual, misogynistic bullying. I cant believe the posters suggesting your poor daughter should just put up with it. It is vile. I'm so glad you have emailed the school and hope you will pursue this very strongly.

I would also be asking to see their policies on sex discrimination and harassment and equality. And if they don't do anything pursuing this with the local authority as a sexual harassment/equality issue.

You might also want to look at the Equality Act and the various public sector duties in it (if you don't get anywhere at first go). I think you could have a very serious claim against both school and local authority if misogynistic harassment is allowed to continue. Both in terms of breach of the public sector equality duty and indirect sex discrimination in the provision of education services (in that requiring girls to submit to misogynistic harassment at school - by not effectively preventing it - has a disproportionately adverse effect on females).

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 20:27

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

candy I really wouldn't bother trying to engage with denthelp, it's like wading through treacle Grin
That would be a great reply if candy hadn’t royally mugged herself off Grin
HelloDaisy · 08/12/2020 20:27

I spoke to my daughter’s school last week as she is having problems with a couple of girls who have been throwing food at her at lunchtime- and they are in year 11!

I spoke to them without discussing it with dd and asked them not to let anyone know it came from me. The teacher then brought the subject up during form time and said that somebody in another class has reported it to her teacher. The girls involved did ask dd if she told on them but she could innocently say no which is what I wanted. I didn’t want her to look or feel guilty if they confronted her. So far it seems to have worked and they have left her alone so let’s hope that carries on...

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2020 20:30

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

candy I really wouldn't bother trying to engage with denthelp, it's like wading through treacle Grin
Thanks op. Yeah I've met brick walls with more awareness really. But hey ho!

I hope you get it sorted. My dd is also 12 and has gone through some bullying this year and it's awful to watch. Her school and pastoral support have been brilliant and stamped on it straight away so I hope the same happens for you Thanks

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 20:31

Denthelp

You seem to be trying to make this thread about you.

The children involved are the important ones here, don’t you think?

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 20:32

@SmileEachDay really? I’ve not mentioned myself at all in this thread. How bizarre. There have been lots of posters giving their own accounts of bullying though - perhaps you mean one of those Confused

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 20:34

No, I mean you.
Perhaps you can’t see it though.

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 20:36

@SmileEachDay no I really can’t - can you quote where I have spoken about myself? Thanks.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 08/12/2020 20:38

She should say "Hmmm I'm not sure it's fish" then lean over to him and say "I think it's cheese....."

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 20:40

That would be a great reply if candy hadn’t royally mugged herself off grin

This makes it clear you’re interested in scoring points. That means you’re making it about you.

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 20:44

@SmileEachDay maybe have a read of what I was replying to there. Actually, the majority of my posts are replies to other posters trying to ‘score points’ against me, because my opinion happens to differ to theirs.

You being one of them. I won’t be replying back to anymore of your nonsense.

Besom · 08/12/2020 20:45

@SmileEachDay

boys will be boys banter

It’s rife in schools. I actually think more so now than it was 10 years ago. There seems to be a particularly toxic way of interacting that some groups of boys have at the moment. It’s like a mix of football hooligan and internet MRA.

I've a 12 yo dd is in class with group of sexist, racict, homophobic boys. She is worn down by it and it's heartbreaking to watch. To me it feels more toxic than similar behaviour in my day because back then they sort of didn't know much better. Whereas now they do certainly know better and some the stuff she says they come out with I find quite sinister.
CambsAlways · 08/12/2020 20:48

Same here christmasjunkie

SimplySteveRedux · 08/12/2020 20:50

@Aquamarine1029

If you don't think going to the teachers is the right course of action then get your older boys to have a word.

If your eldest lads are available a polite verbal warning to the bully may not go amiss.

I truly despair of anyone thinks it's reasonable to send their teenage sons to threaten a 12 year old. Even though this kid is a miserable shit, he is still a 12 year old child, ffs. This needs to be handled by mature adults, not other children.

I was systematically emotionally and physically bullied throughout my school years from late primary through secondary and bear the effects into my 40s. Reporting to teachers ensured the bullying became more covert. I'd have taken an older sibling tearing the ringleader apart in a heartbeat. Many schools lack the resources and/or understanding of how to tackle bullying. I hope in OP's case this is resolved quickly.
AliceMck · 08/12/2020 20:52

@JillofTrades

Little bastard he is. I would get yout two older boys and some of their friends to pay him a visit after school.
I have 2 brothers, they would have done this, they did, my 11 year old short ass brother took on a 6ft 16 year old for making me cry at school once. I also had cousins who would watch out for me, an older girl cousin pulled a boy in her year yr9 up for pushing me down the stairs on the school bus when I was in yr7, he never went near me or my friends again.

As long as your DCs don’t touch him I’d happily let them go.

I remember something like this happening at school to another girl, all way through high school she had a horrible nickname, even the girls referred to her by it. The poor girl never did anything to deserve it. I still don’t know why she was singled out.

peppita · 08/12/2020 20:53

Your poor DD. It's such misogynistic bullying, and from a child too. I'm so glad I went to an all girls high school and avoided all of this crap. Hope he gets punished and learns a hard lesson from this.

doloresclaiborne · 08/12/2020 21:02

I had this when I was 12, one of the boys in my year bullying me.

My brother waited for me one day at the end of the school drive after school had finished and explained to this boy the error of his ways. He didn’t even look at me again for the next four years of school. And there was no more bullying for the rest of my time at school from him or anyone else.

The school was useless with bullying and it was a waste of time reporting incidents because nothing was ever done.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 21:08

smileeachday
At 12 - the ones who are testing the boundaries are easily knocked back.
Any “serious” bully at 12 has a wider context.

A robust response (see my earlier post) from the school invariably shows which is which. The ones with parents who are horrified their kid said the thing and the ones who are..meh...

And all this helps the victim how? The bully is not the important person here. The victim is?! Yes the bully is 12 and may have some issues that need help but that does not make it ok for them to make someone else's life a misery and do lasting harm. The victim needs to be put first.

Twinkie01 · 08/12/2020 21:08

If your daughter feels brave enough do you think she could manage to say something like Does bullying a girl make you feel good about yourself because if it does I'd get help for that if you want to grow up to be a good man?'

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 21:10

Sorry you went through that simplysteve. I have to say in just one afternoon I have been inspired by the advice I've received here-as I said I was bullied myself and have been really saddened by some of your stories of bullying. My daughter is not going to go through what some of us did, I'm going to make sure of it, and that is going to be partly thanks to you lovely lot.

I know mumsnet has changed a bit lately, but it is still full of a lot of very very lovely, very knowledgeable people. Thanks for you all

OP posts:
fruitypancake · 08/12/2020 21:11

Secondary school teacher here- tell the school!! They WILL sort it.. they can let all her teachers know to look out for it and this boy will not be allowed to get away with it x

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 08/12/2020 21:13

I’ve reported denthelp for their persistently unhelpful nonsense. Talk about spectacularly missing the point.

Op I really feel for your dd. My dd1 has had shitty treatment from so-called friends and dd2 is now being given the bush off from someone she thought was a friend. Kids can be so bloody horrible. Thankfully they also have decent friends to help them out.

Do let us know what happens.Flowers

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 21:14

And all this helps the victim how? The bully is not the important person here. The victim is?! Yes the bully is 12 and may have some issues that need help but that does not make it ok for them to make someone else's life a misery and do lasting harm. The victim needs to be put first

I agree. That’s why an initial robust response is needed.

If that doesn’t sort it, then a more long term strategy needs to be developed.

The victim is absolutely the person who needs protecting first and foremost.

At 12, if the child bullying does not have consistent boundaries and secure attachments - there’s some protecting that needs to be done there also.

It’s possible for a school to do both things.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 08/12/2020 21:14

*brush off ffs Hmm

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