To be so pissed off with this kid?

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

I'm glad, I had his all through high school and it made my life hell, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and my parents were having a go at me for
Not doing enough work. She's lucky to have you, and be able to talk to you. I have always made sure my kids can come to me and they do. Go and kick some arse for her 💪🏽

This is not on. Your poor daughter. Hope the school deals with this.

It doesn’t help that “fishy” is a term commonly thrown around by drag queens - eg on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, a show recently very heavily promoted by the BBC ... iplayer was consistently recommending it at one point. I find it disgusting and misogynistic.

This is a fantastic suggestion too.

I meant the suggestion from pp to escalate it in terms of a breach of the Equality Act.

I get that as an adult this is a disgusting, body shaming comment.
From a child of 12 it is still absolutely disgusting - but I would be sure the child is not aware of the medical connotations or body shaming that comes with saying these awful things that would cause another person to feel bad.
Kids might know right or wrong but at this age many of them lack the empathy to understand the hurt they are causing - they have latched onto something they deem “funny” and are going with it as young teens seem to do.
My dc is early teens and has found himself in several situations that have been encouraged by being young, immature and surrounded by like minded “comedians” - not to this level I might add, but equally dickish. He’s also been on the receiving end of it by girls so just FYI to some of the other posters - it’s not just the boys!
In my mind they are just showing off and being stupid. Unable to think of the long term consequences of their behaviour.
As his parent I can assure you that I would appreciate knowing about this from the School, I would come down on him like a tonne of bricks and I would make damn sure he did not do this again.
Unfortunately not all parents would take this position in which case I would send the Big Brothers in at pick up time to give him the evil eye across the playground. Nothing more though, cause that would be bullying
Your poor DD, it sounds awful & I hope you have a supportive school who recognise they need to do their bit to fix this.

We had this all through school. The boys thought it as hilarious to tell us We "stank like fish", "urgh, what's that fishy smell?!", gave me an utter complex about my female.parts for years. And also, made me fucking hate boys for a very, very long time.

I think your sons could be sufficiently physically intimidating to make him change his behaviour without having to lay a finger on the little swine. They just need to take him for a chat somewhere quiet and emphasize that he needs to learn how to treat women better and generally embarrass him in private so he is ashamed of his conduct and scared to repeat it. There is no need for them to touch him.

Stella O'Malley's book Bully-Proof Kids explains the concept of how to be a 'polite nuisance ' to the school. You'll get results that way

HOY ASAP. Get your older boys to pick her up after school.

Which police force area are you in? There are 7 police forces which include misogyny as a hate crime. I'm not sure of the reporting numbers or how many crimes have actually been recorded etc, but you could look into your local force and if they include it as a hate crime. Might give the little bit a fright if the police liaison for the school has a word.

How about a compromise. My DC was being picked on at school and instead of me contacting them they wrote down what they wanted to say and asked the teacher for a meeting and went through their list. The next day the other child was dealt with and my DC is happy I didn't wade in there. They didn't give a crap that the other DC knew they had done this.

Speak to the school
Keep it brief and very very concise
Make your execution crystal clear Tush someone needs to come down on him exceptionally hard and zero tolerance

Nasty little cunt

Quite depressing really the amount of people advocating for a bigger boy to go and scare the smaller boy. Girls shouldn't need Knights in shining armour to rescue them. They should be empowered to rescue themselves.

In my case, the bullying from boys stopped when i lamped one of them round the face as hard as i could.

She’s 12 and she is being bullied, of course you need to speak to the school. Don’t teach her to ignore this BS either, she needs to stand up for herself.

It’s dog eat dog in secondary school, you sadly have to learn how to defend yourself.

The problem is, I have two much older boys who went to the same school, who both agree that there MAY be repercussions if I get involved.

OP, may I ask how they know this? It suggests to me that the school's anti-bullying policy (if indeed it has one) might have failed in the past.

I cannot imagine how a school could stop a determined bully. Especially given the “no exclusions” aim nowadays. There’s nothing schools can do, surely, against kids who just don’t care ?

Update: had a call from the Head of Year. He had already spoken to the two main boys involved. The ringleader is denying most of it, blaming the second in command. The second in command has admitted he has been being unkind and has offered to apologise.I have explained what exactly has been going on very clearly and in no uncertain terms, that the ringleader is clearly lying through his teeth and is most definitely the instigator. The head accepts this and will be speaking to him again. He will be phoning both their parents tonight and will tell them that he expects the behaviour to stop immediately or there will be severe sanctions.
He understands DD's concerns of repercussions but is confident that this is now being handled correctly so that won't happen. With the parents being involved I should bloody well hope the little shits stop it now. I really am fuming about the little git denying it though. Not that the HOY believed him of course, it's just annoying.

Excellent results. Of course he denied it though. He's 12, a bully and been called out. He won't have the emotional strength to just own up.
But the school response is great.

The main message is to your daughter now. This was not acceptable behaviour, it gets called out. She was never in the wrong, you supported her fully and ...one SQUEAK from the little git and she reports it.

Well done - great mum

I hope he gets suitably punished but also that he really comes to understand the implications of his actions. As others have said, he is a young child (although not that young) and restorative justice should have better long term outcomes for all.

Sending love to your DD, horrible what she has had to deal with. Well done you.

Good outcome OP. Do write the email to the HOY thanking them for the things they've said they are just about to do, though, so it is documented.

Good outcome. I would second @ContessaDiPulpo suggestion to email a summary of what was discussed and agreed in case you need to refer to it again in the future...

AND I just had a text from DD to say that her science teacher called her over earlier, told her she has spoken to the boys, and that everything will be ok. She seems v happy. So the HOY has clearly very swiftly disseminated this to all her teachers to ensure nothing happens in her lessons today.
And of course I replied ' I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TEXTING DURING A LESSON!!'
Only joking

That's good news. At least the second in command sounds as though he is ashamed of himself so that's something. The ring leader came across as a total git so it is no surprise he tried to shift the blame and deny wrongdoing. I hope they come down on him like a tonne of bricks for it. Let's hope he has parents who see the wrong in this.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

AND I just had a text from DD to say that her science teacher called her over earlier, told her she has spoken to the boys, and that everything will be ok. She seems v happy. So the HOY has clearly very swiftly disseminated this to all her teachers to ensure nothing happens in her lessons today. And of course I replied ' I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TEXTING DURING A LESSON!!' Only joking

Ah well done OP you've handled this really well I think. Echoing other posters I think it's a good shout to write up what was said on the call and email to the HOY as a sort of 'as discussed just wanted to say thank you for confirming the following plan of action' then bullet point said plan.

🙌 good news OP.

I hope the little shits are in a world of pain now with their parents!