To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

This whole thread is 'oh look, someone who is down, let's go kick them.'

For the record I suffered GD after years of infertility when my second child was born. I'd always wanted boys (so there you go, it's not always wanting girls) dealing with those feelings, I wanted boys because I didn't want my daughter to suffer the bullying I did just because I'm tall. I wouldn't change my baby girl for the world now she's here and I've grieved for the second son that never was nor will be.

GD isn't always because the parents want to dress them in pink/ play football.

These feelings are real and they pass. These parents don't need a bunch of 'holier than thou' types beating them down.

What is worse are the mums of boys who jump on the GD threads and spout nonsense such as 'boys are so affectionate and less emotional work in the teen years'

I would literally give anything to have a child at all so definitely don't think you're being unreasonable.

I think the gender disappointment threads on here are predominantly about wanting girls because it's a forum for women. I know lots of men in real life who had a strong preference for a son over a daughter. For whatever reason many people desperately want a child of their own sex.

Op I have voted yabu because I am.of the opinion being disappointed is not something people can control. Its readjusting their hopes and dreams. They DO know there is a chance of the other sex (its not 50/50 it depends on many factors) however they are disappointed something they imagined wont happen.

The devastated is said because like many words devastated is being used as a emphasis rather than understanding what the word means (like people who tell you they are starving when they are hungry)

I had 2 girls first and I snapped at my dearly loved grandfather "no it was what I ordered" when he as no 234567 asked me if I was disappointed. When ds arrived 2 years later many said "ohh you got your boy" I can remember starring at him thinking "omg can I be a mum to a boy I dont know how. I know how to be a mum to girls.." he is 18 now taller than me and omfg he is amazing I love him so fiercely. (His 3 sisters are equally amazing ) the gender was not the be all and end all for me. However I understand why for others giving up on a dream is hard.

Clearly you don't and you only want to live in practicalities. Not everyone is like that.

For whatever reason many people desperately want a child of their own sex
A mini-me that they can project onto and give them the sort of childhood they never had themselves. Poor kids.

I think this thread is disgusting.
I’m struggling with GD, more like gender anxiety, because I don’t actually know the gender yet and REALLY resent the implication that women go into pregnancy unaware they’re ‘rolling the dice’ or feeling strongly this way.

Can you climb off your soap box and acknowledge that pregnancy is arguably the biggest hormonal car crash a woman ever goes through: it can trigger all kinds of MH issues which weren’t present before.

I didn’t have a preference before I was pregnant. A healthy baby was all that mattered!! Now I’m 12 weeks and want to cry at the thought of another DS. No idea why?!? I love my current DS and think he’s the best thing ever. Two of him...dream boat!!

Why do I feel like this?
Maybe it’s the hoards of people who think saying shit like ‘fingers crossed for a girl’, ‘one of each would be perfect’ ... etc to me without any promoting is TOTALLY NORMAL!
Or the sympathetic like ‘ohh’ sound they make when I say I think it’s a boy!

Maybe it’s society shoving ‘one of each’ and ‘men are terrible’ down mum to be’s throats that make them crave girls. I don’t know but I do think that blaming a mum to be for GD is as insensitive as blaming someone with an ED for that and ignoring the MASSIVE influence society has!!!

@Pumpertrumper quite agree.

@AnnnaBananna

For whatever reason many people desperately want a child of their own sex A mini-me that they can project onto and give them the sort of childhood they never had themselves. Poor kids.

Perhaps

@Pumpertrumper or maybe it's because, as you actually said in your thread, you think that boys will be into 'boy stuff' that you find boring? You can hardly deny that you have some pretty strong gendered ideas and that this plays a role...

I guess two of one gender just isn’t what I imagined. That doesn’t mean it’s bad just I’m struggling to picture it. I see mess, fights, mud everywhere, fart jokes, dinosaurs EVERYWHERE and football on every weekend.

[quote Twizbe]@Pumpertrumper quite agree. [/quote]
Me too.

And this is disgusting:

A mini-me that they can project onto and give them the sort of childhood they never had themselves. Poor kids.

Personally, I think it's disgusting to have a second child and hope that you find them more interesting than you expect to find your first - what a dynamic to deliberately create! - but there we go, we're all different...

I had two daughters and had a strong desire for girls with both pregnancies. I think part of it was a desire to replicate my own childhood. I don't think it means I want them to be mini me's though, just that my concept of family was based around daughters and sisters. Can't speak for anyone else though

I see mess, fights, mud everywhere, fart jokes, dinosaurs EVERYWHERE and football on every weekend
I’m female and I had mud and dinosaurs everywhere before my DC were even born. My farts are hilarious. Stereotypes again! Thankfully my mother isn’t disappointed that I’m not “girly” enough to fulfil some egoistic fantasy of parenting a little princess.

@Hardbackwriter

Personally, I think it's disgusting to have a second child and hope that you find them more interesting than you expect to find your first - what a dynamic to deliberately create! - but there we go, we're all different...

If only anyone had said that ...

I agree that preference for either gender isn’t a particularly good thing but while there is still more than one on offer it’s natural to have feelings about it and that’s just human nature. I do not feel that this preference is naturally based on society’s expectations regarding girls’ behaviour, though. Any woman who does not adhere to those expectations and or who rails against them will not welcome a daughter for those reasons. I wanted the chance to bring up my daughter differently and I think I’ve largely succeeded. She has done even better with her daughter.
I would have loved my DS but not sure I would have been adequate without male support, as things turned out.

I agree OP, I don't get it

@Pumpertrumper said on her thread that she wants a girl because she expects she'll find her son's interests boring by the time he's 10...

@Pumpertrumper

I think this thread is disgusting. I’m struggling with GD, more like gender anxiety, because I don’t actually know the gender yet and REALLY resent the implication that women go into pregnancy unaware they’re ‘rolling the dice’ or feeling strongly this way.

Can you climb off your soap box and acknowledge that pregnancy is arguably the biggest hormonal car crash a woman ever goes through: it can trigger all kinds of MH issues which weren’t present before.

I didn’t have a preference before I was pregnant. A healthy baby was all that mattered!! Now I’m 12 weeks and want to cry at the thought of another DS. No idea why?!? I love my current DS and think he’s the best thing ever. Two of him...dream boat!!

Why do I feel like this?
Maybe it’s the hoards of people who think saying shit like ‘fingers crossed for a girl’, ‘one of each would be perfect’ ... etc to me without any promoting is TOTALLY NORMAL!
Or the sympathetic like ‘ohh’ sound they make when I say I think it’s a boy!

Maybe it’s society shoving ‘one of each’ and ‘men are terrible’ down mum to be’s throats that make them crave girls. I don’t know but I do think that blaming a mum to be for GD is as insensitive as blaming someone with an ED for that and ignoring the MASSIVE influence society has!!!

Its very easy to blame 'hormones' on anything when pregnant. It really doesn't excuse the want for a child of a different sex with the expectations of them living up to gender stereotypes just because that's what you've imagined.

Yes, it may be difficult for you, but it will be so much more difficult for the child you project these feelings on to. By wanting a child of a 'different gender' you are already part of a much bigger problem. You are not giving in to society's expectations, you are the one perpetuating it, causing another generation to descend into gender idealisms seeped in misogyny.

The problem isn't "gender disappointment" per se, it's the extreme, drama-llama language a lot of MN posters use.

A little sad if you didn't get the gender you wanted? Understandable, some just need a handhold and a chat and it's a feeling that passes.

"Devastated"? Come the fuck on. Get a grip!

Very happy mother of boys here ( though on trying for DC2 my sister sent me a list of foods to eat to -in theory- increase chance of a girl!?). Healthy child was my biggest hope.

[quote Hardbackwriter]@Pumpertrumper said on her thread that she wants a girl because she expects she'll find her son's interests boring by the time he's 10...[/quote]
Yup. Its nothing to do with hormones and everything to do with stereotyping tiny children based on their biology.

It's awful. I know a number of lovely families who are struggling to conceive, they would be delighted with any baby, as should we all

@Took

On every gender disappointment thread you'll find the word 'mourn' over and over. Apparently they need to mourn the loss of the girl they'll never have. No they fucking don’t. They have a live baby so no mourning necessary.

Sure, gentle support MAY be needed but don’t fucking pander to anyone by saying they need to mourn a loss.

I agree. I think the words "loss" and "mourning" are totally inappropriate in the context of a live healthy baby. Leave those words to those who have lost a child or can't have a baby.

It's sex not gender.