To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

Yes, disappointed is one thing (though I'd be careful to whom I expressed even disappointment, because you never know what other people have gone through themselves). Someone saying they're "devastated" by their baby's gender is ridiculous.

@FluffyPurple

It's sad we live in a world where people are so dismissive of mental health issues still. Many people have depression due to gender disappointment.

Are people really getting depression over a healthy baby? Surely these people knew it was a 50/50 chance? I could understand people getting depression (and other MH issues) after losing a child but not because of sex?

This is a tangent, but I am a woman and have a traditionally masculine name. When I was younger, some people, upon learning my name, thought it was funny to suggest that my parents must have wanted a boy.

I'm sure they meant no harm, and I had no trouble jokingly correcting them, but it's still not really a good thing for an adult to do to someone of impressionable age. It's certainly not funny.

Like I said previously, I was nervous, not disappointed to be having a boy because all of the children in my family are girls and I just didn't have what I thought was experience of boys. I realised very quickly when he was here that it didn't matter and babies are babies!

This.

I hate on gender preference threads (and irl) when people say things like I want a girl, I don’t know what I’d do with a boy!!

Erm, it’s not an alien. Feed it, change it, burp it, generally all the things that keep a baby alive. What’s between it’s legs doesn't change anything.

Even when it gets older, learn what it likes and dislikes, teach it about the world.

What exactly do people think you need to do with a boy that is such a big secret?

Completely ignoring the fact that most girls/women are not tomboys, are close to their mothers, like to go shopping, etc.

Are these all facts or just expectation? 'Tomboys' is a weird social construct I mean, most girls and women wear trousers these days and I know a lot of women who aren't close to our mothers or like shopping and many men who are close to their mums and do enjoy shopping.

My experience of being a woman is not going to be the same experience my daughters have. I grew up an unwanted daughter - yes, that gender disappointment went well into my adulthood (as did the colour disappointment), I grew up as a disabled girl being told girls like me don't get loved like other girls, don't get married, and definitely should not have kids because we'll just be a burden, I grew up being told what burden I am regularly and my femininity was placed on how well I could perform on stage and in church -- my daughers don't have any of that. Part of being a parent is accepting their experiences will be different and hopefully making them better. Having an expectation of bonding over sex experiences ignores that we don't all experience our sex the same.

My DS1 is the one who will link me to clothes he likes, who chooses shopping as a day out and we talk about everything. He's also experienced sexual harassment from adults. He's experienced people telling him how he's being a boy wrong because of how he wears his hair and his hobbies. He's experienced people judging him harshly based on how he looks and his stammer. Many of the things people fear about having girls, I've gone through with my DS1. We acknowledge our experiences are different, but we can discuss the commonalities of those difficulties even if we have different gametes.

Every individual baby is a new experience, their sex tells us very little about them and shouldn't be the starting point in considering how to parent. That expectation is normal, but it doesn't lead to any good.

People feel how they feel. It's not up to you to tell a person how to feel.

On the mental health issue. It's usually brought on by other issues they're already suffering from rather than a healthy functioning person goes into a depression because they're having a boy.

There was a thread on here from a woman who had previously had a stillbirth of a girl and didn't seem to have fully come to term with the issues that was causing her. Her next child was a boy when she wanted a girl (she wanted the girl she'd lost) and it caused her to have to seek mental help.

Of course I knew it could be a girl or a boy! I had a preference for a girl every time. I'm not in the least bit thick or princessy, but my mum died when I was pregnant with my first, and I think it's possibly tied up with that desire for a mother daughter relationship.

I have one daughter and two sons. I love them equally and would not change them for anything now. However my DD is definitely more of a companion to me then either of the boys are. We share the same interests.

Are these all facts or just expectation? 'Tomboys' is a weird social construct I mean, most girls and women wear trousers these days and I know a lot of women who aren't close to our mothers or like shopping and many men who are close to their mums and do enjoy shopping

Both my dd’s go shopping with their dad. I hate it, he enjoys it. He also likes designer gear and is happy to spend money.

He also prefers history and art to science. Between us we manage homework.

@bluebluezoo

Like I said previously, I was nervous, not disappointed to be having a boy because all of the children in my family are girls and I just didn't have what I thought was experience of boys. I realised very quickly when he was here that it didn't matter and babies are babies!

This.

I hate on gender preference threads (and irl) when people say things like I want a girl, I don’t know what I’d do with a boy!!

Erm, it’s not an alien. Feed it, change it, burp it, generally all the things that keep a baby alive. What’s between it’s legs doesn't change anything.

Even when it gets older, learn what it likes and dislikes, teach it about the world.

What exactly do people think you need to do with a boy that is such a big secret?

Well yes but my point is, I felt like that, until he was here. I didn't carry on being nervous about having a boy, just like many don't carry on being disappointed once their baby is actually here.

I still thought it, as silly as it seems now, before I had him though.

I agree it largely is due to stereotypes though.

I'm just saying that being disappointed at a gender scan doesn't necessarily mean that child will grow up with 'weight of disappointment' on their shoulders and such. I imagine most people won't have a problem once their baby is actually here and will wonder why they ever thought that way, like I did about being nervous for having the first boy in the family!

Even if anyone is ‘devastated’ - especially with a first baby FGS! - they really should keep it to themselves, in case any malicious or utterly thoughtless person later tells the child that they were a disappointment.

I didn't find out the gender for this reason. However, I did think I wanted a boy more than a girl and thought I had all the pregnancy 'symptoms for a boy'. But DD was a girl! Best suprise ever. It's the minority now to not find out the gender but think it reduces gender disappointment as you don't feel that when they arrive...it's the best ever suprise!

YABU it’s not rational. I always knew it was 50:50. Boy or girl and I always had a concern about gender disappointment. I always saw myself as a mum to a daughter. I craved that mother daughter relationship as I never had that as my mum died when I was an infant. I didn’t find out the gender first time as I was so worried about being disappointed so thought I wouldn’t be disappointment once I had a baby in arms.
It’s not rational but it is ok to feel disappointed.
I remember the relief when they said I had a girl.
She def needs some support. Tell her why having boys is so wonderful, it’s her first child doesn’t mean she won’t get a daughter one day.

How can she possibly be disappointed? She won't know the gender of her child for many years when he decides for himself which socially-constructed criteria he fulfills.

I guess it is okay to be disappointed in the sex of a baby though, when you particularly wanted a particular sex.

While I do understand that the main thing to worry about is that the child is healthy etc I will admit that if I have a boy and a girl, or just two girls for mine and fiancé's first two children I am unlikely to have a third... if it was two boys first I will likely try again for a girl by having a 3rd child

It’s nearly always disappointment over having a boy, which is quite interesting really. Statistics suggest that a preference for a boy is still more common (especially amongst men). There are even studies suggesting couples are more likely to divorce if they have only daughters (again due to men preferring sons). Given the prevalence of female infanticide around the world, the preference for male infants in many cultures and the historic preference for male infants even in this culture, I wonder if in reality just as many people feel disappointed about having a girl, but feel far more awkward about expressing it.

I hate seeing threads on here about GD its ALWAYS disappointment in having a Boy, its disgusting.

Well yes as it's a site with mainly women on it, I know this is generalising, but many men are dissapointed in not having sons, but we don't see them post much on here.

This preference for girls is a positive thing because for centuries the general preference was for boys. So nice to have so many parents positively welcome their baby girl and not regard her as an expensive encumbrance as is still the case in many societies.
For the first time, also, so many couples are constrained by finance in how many children they can have so there is often not the option of another chance to have the other gendered child.
It’s natural for children to imagine growing up and sharing activities with a same sex child, giving him/her the opportunities one was denied and this vision persists, often unreasonably long term. A good parent values it’s child for its inherent qualities irrespective of gender . Perhaps OP’s friend needs to vent so that by the time baby arrives she’ll have got over her disappointment. Maybe she felt of OP as a friend she could vent to before she recollected the OPs own vulnerability.

@BrumBoo

Just because you've never experienced it doesn't make it not real.

Gender disappointment is based on something that isn't real though. You are having a child with an individual personality, yet when you bring 'gender' in to the mix you are going beyond that. You are hoping your child has a specific body so you can place societal expectations on them based on their biology. That's not ok. I'm genuinely sympathetic to anyone in mental distress, but I feel more sorry for a child who doesn't fit into the box their parents imagined them to.

This sums it up perfectly. If you give birth to a healthy, wanted child you are lucky beyond the wildest dreams of many.

Why can't people just enjoy the journey of their child's life?

I find it upsetting for what it says about the sexism still so deeply embedded in our culture. It worries me too that this sexism will inevitably rub off on the babies. I only hope the disappointment people feel about their child’s sex inspires them to do some healing work on themselves. It’s so crucial we try not to propagate these harmful ideas that boys are one way and girls are another.

@Backbee I agree with you. Bit hard to complain when it’s your sperm that decided the gender and not many males find there way here, anyway.
I know of several cases where disappointed fathers treated their wives and children appallingly because of their disappointment. Interestingly enough one desperately wanted his DC1 to be a girl and when baby turned out to be a boy he failed to visit her in the hospital until she was discharged (he wasn’t present at the birth). Consequently mother felt overly protective of her son and when the second child, a daughter, was born, muchto father’s delight, she discriminated against her in favour of her first born son. Mother had the power in the house so father’s favouritism did not outweigh this.

This is not the case smile what I did get very annoyed with when I found out I was having a second DS was the amount of ‘ah never mind’ and ‘2 boys will still be nice’ as if people were disappointed on my behalf.

I remember a few years ago a colleague of mine was pregnant - she already had a boy - and when I asked if she knew what she was having, she said it was another boy. Before I could congratulate her, she rushed to tell me that actually she was really happy it was another boy because her two sons would be close. I got the impression she was pre-empting any possible 'Oh well! Boys are nice!" even though I had no intention of saying such a thing! I don't have children, but if I did, I would want boys!

Ridiculously sexist and based on someone’s expectations of having a girl. Basically the majority of women don’t enjoy stuff like football and don’t want to have to do stuff they don’t enjoy. But not all boys play football. You raise your child however you want. I purposely married someone who can’t stand sports and I don’t encourage my sons to play sports either.

This preference for girls is a positive thing because for centuries the general preference was for boys. So nice to have so many parents positively welcome their baby girl and not regard her as an expensive encumbrance as is still the case in many societies.

It would be much more positive if parents embraced their children as individuals rather than having gendered preferences either way.

There are a few posts along these lines, that a preference for girls is fair or good because of the historic preferences for boys. Apart from the fact that two wrongs don't make a right (!) I also don't think these preferences are particularly progressive for women/girls at all in most cases. They normally seem to rest on some of the most restrictive and limiting stereotypes for women and girls: that they'll be less physical, quieter and less challenging; that they'll be interested in their appearance and activities surrounding their appearance; that they'll act as unpaid carers for children and the elderly (and that their male partners will not); that they'll focus their attention on relationships and the emotions of others while males are allowed to pursue their own interests.

On every gender disappointment thread you'll find the word 'mourn' over and over. Apparently they need to mourn the loss of the girl they'll never have. No they fucking don’t. They have a live baby so no mourning necessary.

Sure, gentle support MAY be needed but don’t fucking pander to anyone by saying they need to mourn a loss.