To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

‘men are terrible’ down mum to be’s throats

You know, this actually does get me thinking because you do see this a lot, on here I mean. I personally think MN can come across as very anti man everything, I wonder if it does have any impact.

But anyway, I agree with PP that 'mourning a loss' is not appropriate.

Yes and I CLEARLY said on my thread that I DID NOT FEEL THAT WAY BEFORE I WAS PREGNANT.

I didn’t panic about any of that before I was pregnant. I didn’t think I’d not like their hobbies or feel suffocated by the thought of ‘mess and mud and fart jokes’ it all started after I was pregnant and hormonal.

I suppose when I really think hard about it I did subconsciously picture myself with one of each but I’ve never TTC thinking ‘golly I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t a specific gender’

Read my thread if you like. Certainly don’t take crappy little exerts taken out of content on here to mean anything at all!

@doadeer

It's awful. I know a number of lovely families who are struggling to conceive, they would be delighted with any baby, as should we all

This gets trotted out every time. I say this as someone who went through years of infertility.

My inability to have a baby had nothing to do with anyone else. Just because I couldn't have a baby didn't mean everyone else had to have one or be happy about every aspect of pregnancy or childbirth.

Just because I couldn't have a baby didn't mean everyone else had to have one or be happy about every aspect of pregnancy or childbirth

I had comments like this.

I experienced years of fertility problems, was desperate for a baby and did actually end up pregnant.

I still did moan a bit about pregnancy related things that I found hard (not overly to other people but to DH), I'd often get back 'well at least you are pregnant now, this is what you wanted and you're complaining etc... From him/my mum.

It did annoy me!

YABU. You don't have to agree, but its a real thing. When the baby arrives its usually loved no matter what, but people are allowed to be disappointed.

I wish being disappointed by gender was the only worry I would have if I were to become pregnant again. Iv had three pregnancies and only one living child, both pregnancies that went past 12 weeks were boys and both had fetal abnormalities found at 20 weeks, one is living and the other was so severely ill we decided it was kindest to let him go so he would never suffer. I would give anything for a healthy child, having said that I do have a slight preference for a boy purely because my youngest son is dead. I would be over the moon to have a girl though.i hate it when people call the 20 week anatomy scan the gender scan, no it's to find out if your baby is terminally ill or very unwell and possibly needing major life saving surgery shortly after birth.

I didn’t panic about any of that before I was pregnant. I didn’t think I’d not like their hobbies or feel suffocated by the thought of ‘mess and mud and fart jokes’ it all started after I was pregnant and hormonal

Why do you assume a boy will be all fart jokes, mud, mess, football and dinosaurs?

Plenty aren’t. And a good many of those that are are because they’re socialised into it.

Don’t tolerate fart jokes if you don’t want to. Take your boy to karate, gymnastics or swimming if you don’t like mud or football.

Boys liking football isn’t some DNA on the Y chromosome. It’s learned and socialised. See the US, football over there is a girl sport and boys are teased for liking such a girly pastime.

Don’t buy into the gender crap, and your gender disappointment will ease. Picture yourself sharing things you enjoy, whether boy it girl.

@Pumpertrumper, I've read and commented on your thread. You've admitted yourself you've probably thought about it on a subconscious level. Gender idealisms are so ingrained in our society that it's inevitable. What is important is to recognise that gender isn't a thing unless we make it so, and without gender then it simply doesn't matter what sex a child is, they will be their own person not bound the the expectations of their biology.

Hormones aren't to blame for your sex based prejudice coming to light, they were always there. You evidently have always had ideas that boys are like Y and you think having a girl will be something different. I'm sure the intensity of the feeling will pass, but not the fact you believe in gender stereotypes.

I had a DD first time round and didn't find out their sex at the anomaly scan. When I found out I had a daughter I was disappointed, because I had a pre-conceived idea in my head that I wanted a son. I found bonding with her difficult, perhaps complicated by a back to back delivery, episiotomy, ventouse delivery, unsympathetic staff, a week in neo-natal care and reflux.
When I had my DS the bond was instant as soon as I set eyes on him. I don't know if it's because I was in a different place mentally, the birth was a lot better for a start.
I love my children enormously, but I had to wait for that bond to grow with DD. I can't change it, it's just how it was for me.
It always disappoints me reading these threads that no one seems to take on board how those who have experienced gender disappointment feel and dismiss us all as shallow princesses wanting to produce a mini me.

@BeSureToDrinkYourOvaltine

My sister in law was due to post a video of herself having let off a party popper with the right coloured streamers in as her gender reveal, but didn't do it live. We never saw it, and she said it was because they forgot to press record on the camera, oh how silly! Actually, as DB told me, it was because she went batshit crazy, howling and pulling at her hair and clothes, racked with sobs and hysterical shrieks. Because the streamers were blue and not pink.

Eep. I think SM makes all this more heightened.

I struggled with years of infertility and ended up adopting my wonderful DS. At the worst point during my years of struggling to conceive and having every procedure and test under the sun to try and help me, one of my close friends got pregnant without even trying. From day one of her finding out, she made it very clear she wanted another boy so her DS could have a brother. She then found out she was having a girl and the hysterics she went though were ridiculous and so insensitive. I remember explaining to her how desperate I was to have a child and how I was sick of being in and out of doctors appointments to try and make it happen, she turned round and said, pointing at her very large bump, "just have this one, I don't want it!" For her whole pregnancy I had to put on a brave face and stop myself from screaming at her to be grateful for being pregnant at all. As it turned out, she has a much closer relationship with her DD than she does with her DS and she completely dotes on her. She had 9 months of being utterly ridiculous for absolutely no reason, the only outcome was how upsetting it was for me!

One thing I couldn't ever judge though is, for example, those posters who want a daughter because their relationship with their own mum wasn't good and they want to sort of rectify that.

I appreciate that there are absolutely no guarantees that a child will be closer to you simply because they are female and so are you but I can understand why someone's mind may come to that thinking, especially if they are dealing with emotional issues from their own relationship with their mother.

The mind isn't always rational!

For further context she has known the baby’s sex for over a week, and is still in bits over it. I’ve no doubt the baby will be loved beyond words once he’s born, but that’s not the point of this thread. And yes I’ve told her IRL (gently) that boys are as amazing as girls and she’s raising a person, not a boy.

I had PND and OCD when DS1 was born, so I can fully understand that some thoughts are irrational and beyond our control, but this is one I cannot understand I’m afraid.

And yeah I also know it’s sex not gender, but ‘sex disappointment’ didn’t quite have the same ring.

Do you also have no time for depression and anxiety? It's not as simple as ohh I want a girl.

OP you keep bringing this back to you and your offence because you have sons. This is weird. Your friends reaction is about her, not you!

She was clearly telling you hoping for some empathy and some reassurance that boys are lovely little things (which they are).

I have both, but if I hadn't had a daughter I suspect I would feel a bit sad about that. Your friend is entitled to her feelings.

so I can fully understand that some thoughts are irrational and beyond our control, but this is one I cannot understand I’m afraid

Is this not a contradiction though?

So you understand peoples feelings and thoughts aren't always rational and are beyond their control but this particular one you don't 'get'.

Well yes... Because it's not rational. You just said you understand that happens sometimes and can be outside of someone's control...

I think the contradiction is both claiming that sex disappointment is an uncontrollable, irrational thing that some women have due to pregnancy hormones and expected it to be validated and insisting that it's perfectly reasonable because most girls are X thing. It's one or the other. If it's an uncontrollable hormonal delusion then surely indulging it in any way is actually quite unkind?

It's not as simple as ohh I want a girl.

Isn't it? Then how come when anyone expands on why they want a girl, it's usually replied with how they want a stereotype of what a girl is?

Depression doesn't cause prejudice and a belief in stereotypes as far as I know.

I had PND and OCD when DS1 was born, so I can fully understand that some thoughts are irrational and beyond our control, but this is one I cannot understand I’m afraid

Well you’ve just contradicted yourself in the same sentence. None of us understand things we consider irrational but most of us try to be supportive when our friends are having a hard time. You don’t need to understand. It might be better for your friend if she looked for support elsewhere, perhaps from someone who has experienced this and will understand.

@Hardbackwriter

I think the contradiction is both claiming that sex disappointment is an uncontrollable, irrational thing that some women have due to pregnancy hormones and expected it to be validated and insisting that it's perfectly reasonable because most girls are X thing. It's one or the other. If it's an uncontrollable hormonal delusion then surely indulging it in any way is actually quite unkind?

Yes. exactly. If it's a hormone-induced pregnancy delusion, cop yourself on and recognise that, like a desire to eat coal and weep at Barclays' ads, it has no basis in reality and should be regarded as temporary madness.

@PrivateD00r maybe it should occur to people that a friend who is the mother of boys might not be the best person to empathize with your huge disappointment in having a boy. Just like your black friend probably isn't the right audience to help you work through your negative feelings about people of colour.

It’s the sheer horror in her reaction which I can’t understand. The absolute shock and devastation of it for her. I can see how some people have a preference and have a short lived ‘oh that’s not what I expected’ moment, then swiftly get over it and move on. But to be so upset? Almost hysterical? It’s silly and no I don’t understand that reaction at all.

@Hardbackwriter

I think the contradiction is both claiming that sex disappointment is an uncontrollable, irrational thing that some women have due to pregnancy hormones and expected it to be validated and insisting that it's perfectly reasonable because most girls are X thing. It's one or the other. If it's an uncontrollable hormonal delusion then surely indulging it in any way is actually quite unkind?

Can't sum it up much better than this. Pick a side, either its just hormones, or you truly believe you're missing on 'something' by never having a daughter.

Isn't it? Then how come when anyone expands on why they want a girl, it's usually replied with how they want a stereotype of what a girl is?

Someone brought up trans earlier too. That also seems to be similar, ask how someone knew they were trans, and the answer is nearly always because they liked [insert gender stereotypes].