To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

[quote BrumBoo]@user1481840227, if its not about the child being born with the wrong biological features because some are deluded that certain biology means certain personality traits, then what is it about?[/quote]
I would assume that it's not to do with personality traits either but more to do with the experience that someone believes comes with having a daughter.

@VinylDetective

I blame sex scans, tbh. We didn’t have this nonsense when you didn’t find out what it was until it was born

We did actually. I had mine well before the advent of scans. I wanted a girl and had an initial stab of disappointment when I was handed my boy. It lasted all of two minutes when I held him. I know lots of women my age who felt the same. My dad was apparently horribly disappointed when I turned out to be a girl.

Same here. And my grandmother told my mother "My son wanted a son". Well tough. He'd been married before and had a daughter that time too. Doesn't the man decide the biological sex, anyway?

@NoSleepInTheHeat

I don't understand why it annoys people so much that people might have a preference for boy or girl. The same way as some people like to live in a city and others in the countryside. Or some people prefer dogs and other cats (and other dislike both). Etc

But oh no, say you hope for a girl and people will be annoyed, tell you she will be a tomboy, won't like shopping and will not be close to you. She will not have children, or if she will she won't get immensely closer to you when they are little, no no, she will do that with her MIL of course. All proven by anecdotical evidence of course.
...
Completely ignoring the fact that most girls/women are not tomboys, are close to their mothers, like to go shopping, etc.

One last point. On a lot of trans threads we make mention of what it means to "be a woman". Well, isn't a common reason for wanting a girl the fact that you will share this experience of being a woman with her? Isn't this alone a reason for having a preference?

Some of this I agree with - the last part for example. And of course many girls aren’t tomboys etc.

But it’s not quite cats and dogs as threads here are mostly about disappointment over a boy. If they were evenly split maybe and also of course there’s a little baby to be loved not upset over.

@Dinosaur19

So you are particularly annoyed at people not wanting boys because you take it as a personal insult to your sons?

I'm glad you are happy with your lot but don't judge others that aren't. There are many reasons why people might be disappointed- not just because they are shallow and want a doll to dress up in pink. Some women don't want girls because of issues they have had growing up themselves and lack of trust in other women.

Conversely, Others have really close bonds with their mothers and want to share that bond with their own daughter (hardly a crime).

Gender disappointment isn't always because people are shallow and not woke enough to see beyond cliche stereotypes. So don't make blanket judgements.

YANBU, it’s always based on gendered self indulgent nonsense.

I get that you think differently but isn't she your friend? Isn't she allowed to talk about her feelings and get some support? Maybe she'll feel fine about it tomorrow or not, but to me a friendship means being able to say what's bothering us and having a friend care if we are upset, not judge us for being irrational in some way. If your friend read this thread do you think she'd be hurt? It seems like you're mocking her to me.

But it’s not quite cats and dogs as threads here are mostly about disappointment over a boy. If they were evenly split maybe

But again, I don't think this is surprising when you're talking on a forum dominated mainly by female posters.

If you surveyed a load of men on which sex they'd have preferred, I would imagine the answer would be boys.

I never used to judge people for their gender disappointment... until I found out I was having a little boy.

Now I have an unreasonable amount of hormonal rage against anyone who complains about having a son instead of a daughter (and it's nearly always people complaining about boys).

My boy will be perfect and I'll fight anyone who suggests otherwise

@SunscreenCentral

Why is it always girls that are favoured? Boys are wonderful! I get hugs every single day and no sign of stopping (bring em on!!) at 12.5yo.

I think girls are generally favoured by women and boys are favoured by men. I know my DP was over the moon when he found out DS was a boy as he really wanted a son.

I don't understand why it annoys people so much that people might have a preference for boy or girl.
The same way as some people like to live in a city and others in the countryside.
Or some people prefer dogs and other cats (and other dislike both).
Etc

Because having a baby is about raising a person - a whole separate person, with their own preferences, desires and personality. That you can even compare it to buying property or getting a pet sums up why it bothers me - and it doesn't annoy me, it makes me sad for the child who is having the weight of either expectation or disappointment put on them.

@SleepyMcSleeper

But it’s not quite cats and dogs as threads here are mostly about disappointment over a boy. If they were evenly split maybe

But again, I don't think this is surprising when you're talking on a forum dominated mainly by female posters.

If you surveyed a load of men on which sex they'd have preferred, I would imagine the answer would be boys.

I think this is changing ime. But only knowing who I know. Many fathers (to be) expressing the wish to have a daughter.

Still if you are a mother to boys you might get fed up with people saying they are second best. On the up side must people who do have boys realise they are lovely. Maybe op’s friend will too - hopefully.

Yeah, there's a girl at work whose currently going through IVF and has struggled with infertility for years and recently she's been saying that when she gets pregnant she hopes it's a girl and will be "devastated" if it's a boy and I mean she's entitled to have her preferences but surely if you're going through all that to have a baby then who cares about their genitalia

My sisters friend let my sister know that she was devastated to be having a 4th boy and told her how much she cried at her gender scan, my sister had unexplained infertility and had tried to conceive for 5 years, this obviously upset my sister very much, as she longed for a baby, regardless of the sex. I don’t understand ‘gender disappointment’, you are going to have either sex at the point of conception and surely you plan for a baby of ‘either’ sex, not a specific sex.

I'm prepared to accept that it can sometimes be a symptom of an underlying health condition (and @Usernamenotavailabletryanother has written very movingly about her experience of this), but you always get claims on these threads that 'gender disappointment' is 'usually' connected with PND, or that it's a mental health condition in its own right, and I'd love to see some evidence for that.

Interestingly, those who do describe it as part of a larger mental health condition usually describe feelings of shame and secrecy about feeling this way. I've met women in real life who have been very, very vocal about their preference for girls and there doesn't seem to be any underlying condition there (though they do always seem to be generally a bit dim).

it makes me sad for the child who is having the weight of either expectation or disappointment put on them

To be fair, whilst I don't understand it completely myself, I don't think this is strictly happening in a lot of the cases I've read about, particularly on here.

Most people I have ever heard of experiencing gender disappointment, did so either whilst pregnant or for about 2 minutes when handed their baby and then they were just too in love to care anymore.

I don't know anyone, and have only heard of rare cases from posters here, certainly not the majority, where people have continued to be disappointed in their child's sex well into their childhoods.

Like I said previously, I was nervous, not disappointed to be having a boy because all of the children in my family are girls and I just didn't have what I thought was experience of boys. I realised very quickly when he was here that it didn't matter and babies are babies!

I don't get it either. From the threads I've read, it's usually because they have this picture in their head of what their relationship will be like. I remember one where she envisaged having the relationship she has with her mother and that they're really close. While it's understandable to want that you shouldn't have such expectations as you don't know how things will be even if it is a girl.

As someone else said, it's quite sexist. You could have a daughter who doesn't want to go shopping trips with you and do girly things.

Yup I don't get it. I have 2 boys, am pregnant with a girl now, but would have been just as happy with a boy. I find it all a bit childish.

Genuinely, how can you 'empathise' with people who are unhappy until they produce a child with the right kind of piss-hole?

👏👏👏 perfectly put!

@FluffyPurple

It's sad we live in a world where people are so dismissive of mental health issues still. Many people have depression due to gender disappointment.

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. How can some be so disappointed without own child’s gender that they get depression? Poor, poor child, they should be given to someone else who will be delighted with them no matter what the gender. I say this as someone with depression, I am not dismissive of mental health issues.

I don't understand why it annoys people so much that people might have a preference for boy or girl.
The same way as some people like to live in a city and others in the countryside.
Or some people prefer dogs and other cats (and other dislike both).
Etc

...Umm. Except it's not like those things at all though, is it, in any way whatsoever?

It's a human child.

The underlying thing that people have issue with here is gender stereotyping. It's not about a simple "preference" for one thing or the other, It's about judgements that people assign to children based on their gender.

@Jobsharenightmare well said. I'm glad I'm not the friend.

@wildraisins

*I don't understand why it annoys people so much that people might have a preference for boy or girl. The same way as some people like to live in a city and others in the countryside. Or some people prefer dogs and other cats (and other dislike both). Etc*

...Umm. Except it's not like those things at all though, is it, in any way whatsoever?

It's a human child.

The underlying thing that people have issue with here is gender stereotyping. It's not about a simple "preference" for one thing or the other, It's about judgements that people assign to children based on their gender.

It's an alive human child at that.

Which is the important thing.

Totally agree. It’s actually disgusting. We look down on other countries for favouring male or female babies. Also shows this person is incredibly immature and self-obsessed - the baby could be sick or have other issues. What would she do then? How disappointed would she be then? Does she understand what having a child is actually like and the responsibility of loving and caring for them their whole life, no matter what happens. I’m sure when the baby is here she’ll love it unconditionally and be a good mother; but the fact that she can’t think along those lines makes me have very little respect for that particular aspect of such a person.,

I agree. It seems entitled and ungrateful. So many people would love a child, any child, but can't have them.
I'm going to sound really snobbish, but when I saw a documentary about this a few years ago, there was a definite similarity between the women who were 'devastated' about having boys.
I won't say what the similarity was..

@Twospaniels

This is exactly why I don’t like people finding out the sex of the baby before it’s born. There are always people who want what they are not having! If you don’t know the sex, then when the baby is born and the midwife hands it to you and tells you the sex, or asks you to look - well there is absolutely no feeling like it. A very precious moment. And in that moment you do not care what the sex is.

If only! My parents didn’t know my sex before I was born. Didn’t stop them being disappointed (and telling my grandparents that they were disappointed!)