To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

@PrivateD00r

OP you keep bringing this back to you and your offence because you have sons. This is weird. Your friends reaction is about her, not you!

She was clearly telling you hoping for some empathy and some reassurance that boys are lovely little things (which they are).

I have both, but if I hadn't had a daughter I suspect I would feel a bit sad about that. Your friend is entitled to her feelings.

Because IMO it is offensive to mothers of boys to say you’re horrified at the thought of a son

@Micah

Isn't it? Then how come when anyone expands on why they want a girl, it's usually replied with how they want a stereotype of what a girl is?

Someone brought up trans earlier too. That also seems to be similar, ask how someone knew they were trans, and the answer is nearly always because they liked [insert gender stereotypes].

Yes quite. I could go on a small rant about that, but this isn't the topic at hand.

I agree. My DD had a miscarriage and then a stillbirth at 32 weeks. It does make me sad when I hear disappointment expressed regarding gender. So many parents would be grateful for a healthy baby and whether it was a boy or a girl it would be impossible for them to feel anything other than relief and joy. As PPs have said when the odds are 50/50 it seems unrealistic to feel disappointment.

Wow, this has a lot of replies but YANBU OP.

A slight preference, sure. We all have individual preferences with various aspects of life. To be devastated? Ridiculous and really rather sad.

I felt gender disappointment and didn't realise it until the scan.

It was a boy, and I was with an abusive man. It was the thought of having a mini him. It hit me really badly, but luckily as I had the scan, I had 4 months to get used to the idea and everything was fine when he arrived. My lovely little boy.

This is why I advocate finding out if there is any chance you might be a little disappointed (and I mean disappointed, not utterly devastated).

Some people really take the gender thing too far. SIL wanted a girl, so dressed up her boy in tutus, grew his hair long, painted his nails and did everything 'girly' with him. Similarly a neighbour dressed her girl as a boy, in order to challenge 'gender stereotypes' and went mental when anyone said 'what a handsome young fella there' dressed in boys clothes with short hair whilst she yelled 'she's a GIRL!'

There are some strange folk about.

Agreed.
But it's not 50/50.
Female sperm live longer and are bigger so more likely to get there and stick around to meet the egg in the ovulating window.
Also, after the world wars where many men were killed and therefore less men in that community/country etc, lots of baby boys are born. Lots of theories why.
But still, it's not as simple as 50/50

Completely ignoring the fact that most girls/women are not tomboys, are close to their mothers, like to go shopping, etc.

Disagree that most women are close to their mothers. Out of my female friends/cousins/aquaintances there’s such a range of relationships- many live hours away from their parents, many just don’t have much common ground with their mums so whilst they are civil and there’s no issues there isn’t really much ‘closeness’, a few have pretty strained relations and avoid. Of course some have the close ‘mother-daughter’ relationship but in my experience I definitely wouldn’t say ‘most’ women are close to their mum.

I’ve got 3 sons. Lots of people have assumed that I am dreadfully disappointed that Ds3 in particular is not a girl. I don’t understand it.

Tbh, I was a bit relieved he wasn’t a girl. Not because I personally have a preference but because I would really struggle with the gender stereotypes I know for a fact my DH and his family would project all over her. I literally roll my eyes as DH insists that DSD cannot possibly use DS’s old bike because ‘it’s a boy’s bike’. It’s a silver bike. Are girls somehow incapable of riding bikes if they aren’t pink and sparkly? Or when he complains that DSD requires new books because the hundreds of books available in the house are all boyish because my DS’s read them. Sure, they’re not about unicorns and rainbows, but they’re perfectly normal books that you’d find in a school library (we’re talking diary of a wimpy kid, Tom gates, how to train your dragon, roald Dahl books).

So the relief was at not having to continually fight against that. But tempered with the knowledge that I will be telling him that, yes, boys do like baking and it’s totally fine for them to play with a doll’s house. It’s easier to get him to budge on the male stereotypes for some reason (DSS has toy hoovers etc).

So my gender disappointment would have been disappointment in societal stereotypes and my husband’s attitude in relation to them. Nor disappointment in the biological sex of my child.

YANBU as a healthy baby is what you should celebrate. Though the OPs example seems a minority as too many favour boys, especially in certain cultures, hence sex-selective abortion should always be opposed I think.

This is actually hard to post, but here I go.

I experienced gender disappointment. It's a horrible feeling.

Before I was pregnant, I always said I didn't care what I had, but I secretly I'd always seen myself having just one boy.

As soon as I was pregnant I had an overwhelming feeling that I was having a girl. I almost bought "girl" things because I was so so sure.

I then found out I was having a boy and I was absolutely devastated. I spent the entire pregnancy hoping the two scans were wrong. I found it so so hard to bond, and I felt like I didn't want him.

I suspect that I had depression because my pregnancy was horrendous and that was really the cause of the lack of bonding but at the time it was horrible.

I think you're being far too hard on your friend.

I know a woman with two boys...saw her and she was pregnant. Asked her if she knew what she was having? She said it was another boy. Now because of these bloody threads, I didn't want to say anything negative so said congratulations and how lovely to have three boys and how close they'd be. She looked at me like I mad and said of course she would have preferred a girl. I blame you lot.

She will love the kid non the less when it arrives. It wouldn't upset me if that's how a friend felt, one of my friend was the same, it didn't bother me it's just how she felt.

Yes, she is quite entitled to be a bit disappointed or even feel devastated if it's her first pregnancy, I think your perspective changes once you have a baby and she realises she loves baby no matter what, but it can feel like a massive deal if you have always had the dream of a certain gender.

I always said I didn't want a girl, and believed I would have been massively disappointed has I had a girl. I did go on to have a boy, but it also made me realise I would have loved the baby non the less.

People should just find out the sex when the baby is born. It’s pretty hard to be disappointed with the baby in your arms.

I would have given my right arm for a 2nd baby but had secondary infertility- really wouldn't have cared what it was!!

@Hardbackwriter

I think the contradiction is both claiming that sex disappointment is an uncontrollable, irrational thing that some women have due to pregnancy hormones and expected it to be validated and insisting that it's perfectly reasonable because most girls are X thing. It's one or the other. If it's an uncontrollable hormonal delusion then surely indulging it in any way is actually quite unkind?

To me, and I am only talking about me, it's not about indulging it but just being less judgemental I guess? That's what I meant when I pointed out the OPs contradiction.

I had plenty of irrational thoughts when I was going through fertility problems (I know I know, it's not the same scenario), my head went all sorts of places that other people maybe couldn't rationalise themselves. I didn't need people to indulge it, but I also didn't need people to tell me I was disgusting etc...

If you understand that people have irrational thoughts that are sometimes outside of their control, like OP said she did, then it is a bit of a contradiction to say immediately afterward 'but I don't understand this'.

I do get what you're saying but people can't help how they feel. I am not going to have kids. One of the many reasons is I might have a boy. I'm heterosexual and have a long term male partner. But honestly I've never really liked men and boys so I'd be gutted to have a boy.

I wouldn't have cared what sex my children were. I adored my two little boys. Now that I only have one of my sons living, I am thankful he has his little sister to ease the heartbreak of losing his brother. I love them all the same.
When I think of all the women who either can't have children, or have lost children, I find it very hard to have patience with women who complain about wanting the opposite sex.
Aside from that, the word "gender" sets my teeth on edge.

Agreed.

To think that any baby could be a disappointment for any reason is heartbreaking.

I haven't RTFT but a) it's sex, not gender and b) get a bloody grip. This is the most first-world "problem" imaginable.
Just be delighted to give birth to a healthy baby.

@Plussizejumpsuit

I do get what you're saying but people can't help how they feel. I am not going to have kids. One of the many reasons is I might have a boy. I'm heterosexual and have a long term male partner. But honestly I've never really liked men and boys so I'd be gutted to have a boy.

Trust me, you wouldn't be "gutted". Hopefully you would love him more than you can possibly imagine.

@BeSureToDrinkYourOvaltine

My sister in law was due to post a video of herself having let off a party popper with the right coloured streamers in as her gender reveal, but didn't do it live. We never saw it, and she said it was because they forgot to press record on the camera, oh how silly! Actually, as DB told me, it was because she went batshit crazy, howling and pulling at her hair and clothes, racked with sobs and hysterical shrieks. Because the streamers were blue and not pink.

Christ almighty. Poor child.

I experienced fertility issues and needed treatment to conceive both my children. And I also had 2 miscarriages including one I had to deliver at 18 weeks. I still experienced gender disappointment in one of my pregnancies. I didn't plan to, or want to - it just happened.

Gender disappointment is a real thing that many experience and the mast majority of people then get over it and dearly love their children.

People can't help how they feel. Nor can they be instructed to feel differently. Nor will anger, disgust, judgement, lack of empathy or unkindness make their feelings change either. It will make them feel even more shit when they are already down.

@reginafelangee

I experienced fertility issues and needed treatment to conceive both my children. And I also had 2 miscarriages including one I had to deliver at 18 weeks. I still experienced gender disappointment in one of my pregnancies. I didn't plan to, or want to - it just happened.

Gender disappointment is a real thing that many experience and the mast majority of people then get over it and dearly love their children.

People can't help how they feel. Nor can they be instructed to feel differently. Nor will anger, disgust, judgement, lack of empathy or unkindness make their feelings change either. It will make them feel even more shit when they are already down.

This

@BigSisLittleSisCardboardBox

People should just find out the sex when the baby is born. It’s pretty hard to be disappointed with the baby in your arms.

Absolutely agree with this. When the midwife gave me my first baby and said 'it's a girl!' I immediately knew that what I wanted was a girl. The same was true for the second.

However, I'm sure that if the midwives had presented me with boys I'd have immediately known that that boys were what I wanted.

I think another issue is that there is so much choice these days that people are used to being able to have exactly what they want. Babies don't come to order.

Gender disappointment is a real thing that many experience and the mast majority of people then get over it and dearly love their children.

The feeling may be real, its the reason for the feeling that people like myself cannot comprehend. Saying you have disappointment over an unborn child's gender is like saying you're disappointed they're not Christian or a vegan. You've already decided they are not going to be of the belief system you follow that a girl or boy should be, just because they're born that sex.