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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult daughter colonising house

186 replies

Windingmeuptothemax · 08/12/2020 12:31

I need some perspective on this as I have a very fractious relationship with this 26 yo DD. I love her very much and I'm proud of her but she and I are very similar and often rub each other up the wrong way.

She lived away from home for 4 years at uni. She had her own flats most of this time. She chose to study overseas so all her fees, rents and living costs were funded by DH and I. When she came home 4 years ago she moved back into our family home. The first year she was temping and working PT while she looked for a 'proper job" so she lived with us rent free. Once she got a FT job she continued to live with us because we are in London and rents are very high. We agreed she'd pay a nominal rent of £235 a month so she could save for a home of her own one day. For that she gets a double bedroom, sole use of a bathroom, all bills, can add food to the weekly food shop and free run of our wine rack and drinks cabinet.

When lockdown started she started to work from home in what was once my study. I no longer work so didn't need it. So she now has sole use of that room. My cupboards and papers are stored there out of sight and she's decorated it her way so it looks smart and formal for video meetings.

She wanted to buy a very posh coffee maker. I didn't want it kept in the kitchen as it would have been cluttered (and because there is already a perfectly good coffee machine there) so we cleared a counter/cupboard in the utility room, storing the stuff that was kept there elsewhere so she has a dedicated coffee area. It has expanded fr0m the coffee maker to a grinder and steamer too. She could open a branch of Costa.

This is all fine. We have plenty of space and money isn't a problem. But it seems the more space she gets, the more she wants. I've just gone into my previously neglected sewing room which I have spent lockdown cleaning and renovating into a cosy den for myself and discovered she has moved several things I keep in 'her' study into my sewing room because she felt they didn't go with her Christmas Zoom call aesthetic

AIBU to be so pissed off by this? I know it's hard for her as a grown woman to have to live in someone else's house but sometimes I feel like the lodger whose life is interfering with her Instagram perfection.

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 08/12/2020 12:33

Yanbu, however how big is your house! Studies and sewing rooms are a luxury in london, still she sounds annoying

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2020 12:35

She doesn’t have to live with you. And she’s got such a cushy deal she’s unlikely to ever leave. Would you in her shoes?!

How’s her saving going? I’d be very pissed office that she’s meant to be with a peppercorn rent so she can save for a deposit and is chucking money at stuff like fancy coffee machines - especially when you already have one!

How long did you agree she’d be there, was it till a certain time or amount saved?

IsFinnRogersDead · 08/12/2020 12:36

How much would her own flat cost? Vs how much she is costing you in bills, food, alcohol. Add in your hourly rates for being annoyed, cleaning up after her. Plus how much rent she's paying you. What's the difference between her cost(s) and market rent?

Invisimamma · 08/12/2020 12:43

She's taking the piss and needs to move out. I think you know it. Why don't you set a deadline... Say 3 or 6 months away?

She's getting a lot for her 200 odd a month from you.

I'm 31 so not much older than her and have mortgage, job, 2 children etc. She needs to take some responsibility for herself.

Mcnotty · 08/12/2020 12:46

When you saw that, Why didn’t you just tell her immediately to remove her stuff from the sewing room? I don’t understand this stewing over things with your own child even if they are an adult.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 12:49

She's cheeky. She's your daughter so feels entitled, but she's an adult playing at being a teenager. I bet she does not behave like this with anybody else because she knows all about boundaries. You have to start making them.
Move her stuff out of your sewing room pronto and tell her she is out of order. Are you afraid of her OP?

LEELULUMPKIN · 08/12/2020 12:49

As a PP has said she is extracting the urine OP.

I lived with my late DM until I was 34 and all I had was my room.

I never expected to take over what was her house.

You need to tell her straight.

Longtalljosie · 08/12/2020 12:50

You need to talk with her and remind her this is your home and part of the incredibly sweet £235 all-in deal is that she has to live in your home. Get her to put your stuff back in the study herself.

Misandrylovescompany · 08/12/2020 12:53

Time for her to move out and become an adult.

Womencanlift · 08/12/2020 12:53

Time to put your foot down OP. Just move the stuff back to the study and if/when she kicks off you can politely remind her that it’s your house and if she wants a Christmas aesthetic zoom call then she can do that nicely from her own home that she pays for

Original poster
Windingmeuptothemax · 08/12/2020 12:58

@McnottyThe stuff was moved back to where (IMO) it belongs pretty damn quick I an tell you! And she sighed tolerantly and rolled her eyes at my pettiness!

As I say, it's not about the money. We can afford to have her here. It would be petty for us to increase the rent when we don't need the money. I also feel like we owe her a somewhat easy life because for a lot of her adolescence she was often overlooked because her older brother had a life threatening illness. I am sure that's part of why she is so demanding now. And I'd be scared that if we gave her any sort of ultimatum or deadline she might leave and not bother with us again.

Before lockdown she was spending a lot of time at her BF's new flat. Obviously lockdown has put paid to that and she's with us 24/7 and we just annoy one another constantly.

OP posts:
FTMF30 · 08/12/2020 13:00

It seems your intention is to give her a roof over her head until she can afford one of her own. I'd be quick to remind her of this snd to respect YOUR space in YOUR house.

gamerchick · 08/12/2020 13:03

Tbh putting her rent up makes perfect sense. The more room you want, the more you pay.

Stop tiptoeing around her, she's not going to bugger off. She's been bankrolled by you her entire life.

If she did it would be a good lesson to learn imo. Time to be a grown up.

user182639104 · 08/12/2020 13:03

So is it her home or not?

If it's her home, then why are you treating her like an annoying lodger who has to walk on eggshells around you and ask permission for everything?

If it's not her home, is she registered homeless?

user182639104 · 08/12/2020 13:04

She's been bankrolled by you her entire life.

That's a pretty grim way to describe being a parent. How sad.

gamerchick · 08/12/2020 13:06

Ok then. Bankrolled her entire adult life. Hmm

StrippedFridge · 08/12/2020 13:07

Is your relationship really on such a knife edge that if we gave her any sort of ultimatum or deadline she might leave and not bother with us again ?

I think you need to be more petty not less. Kids move out so they can run their life how they like. Don't let her redecorate too much. Get a job/hobby/role whereby you need to use your study again and place things around how you like them not how her instagram likes them. If she wants insta-home then she'll have to get her own place. If she's not eye-rolling or muttering daily you are making it too comfortable Grin

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 13:07

Stick to your guns OP. It's your home not hers. She will be gone when it suits her and not a minute before as she has it cushy at yours

SilverBirchWithout · 08/12/2020 13:10

In my opinion, I’d leave things as they are for the moment but continue standing up for myself over things like moving ‘your’ items from the study. Lockdown and tiers will eventually end and she’ll move on with her life - back to work and staying with BF,
None of the things you mentioned seem worth falling out about - just the normal irritating stuff when you live with someone.

Annasgirl · 08/12/2020 13:10

Well OP, I think you need to unpick your feelings here.

You can afford to subsidise your DD but she is a 26 year old adult with a university degree and a FT job - you are not doing her any favours by continuing to "infantilise" her. At this point in here life I think you need to help her to stand on her own two feet - I left home at 17 and I returned for 12 months when I got my first job but I treated the house as my parent's home, not my own luxury apartment.

Secondly, you are afraid she will punish you for enforcing your very rational boundaries by moving away and leaving you alone - this is a very extreme abandonment fear and it is causing you to allow your daughter to tread all over you and your DH - really OP, you need to get to grips with this fear and realise, she may well abandon you anyway but no child should hold their parent hostage like this.

You need to move on to a parent / adult child relationship - she is old enough to be a parent herself, but at the rate she is going, she will not be able to stand on her own two feet to do this.

Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely mum, and now you need to cut those apron string, to let her flourish as an independent young woman. And you and your DH also deserve a home to yourselves at this point in your lives, and space to enjoy a new relationship with each other.

custardbear · 08/12/2020 13:11

Communicate! Tell her the boundaries. I'd also charge more rent, but squirrel it away for her so she starts to get a deposit together from 'rent' she's paying to you - it'll help her in the long run and help you to ensure you're getting your house back after she's flown the nest.
Do you have other kids?

LagneyandCasey · 08/12/2020 13:11

It soundss like she's got but well cushty, Rodney!

I'd be inclined to let her take over the utility if it means the kitchen stays how you like it. Ditto your office. However, you have to be blunt and make it clear that your sewing room is out of bounds as it is YOUR space and she's really out of order by going in there, let alone dumping her stuff in there.

Does she have a timeline for moving out? I would ask her. If course she should be made to feel welcome in her childhood home while she saves but an adult woman eye rolling at her mum is slightly pathetic. She needs to grow up and be considerate or move on.

cherrybunx0 · 08/12/2020 13:11

Do you want her to live with you OP or not?

I feel like you can't be so on the fence with this, you either want her to move out/pay more/have more respect for your home or you don't.

For what its worth, I don't think I could live with my mum now. Same as you, as much as I get on with and love her, we would rub each other up the wrong way. I moved out when I was 20 because we rowed so much, our relationship instantly improved when we each had our own space.

letsmakethetea · 08/12/2020 13:12

You seem to think you are doing the best thing for her by allowing all of this (including the incredibly cheap rent, as you don't 'need' the money) but is it really the best thing for her to live like that? It's unrealistic! You might be doing her more harm than good in the long run, if you see what I mean.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 08/12/2020 13:13

No OP it really isn't hard for her to live in another persons house because to be honest she has a cushy number and believe me she will be fully aware of this. She is probably so used to having you supplement her life that she has become a bit entitled and unappreciative without realising how much her behaviour is annoying you.

She did not need to decorate or move stuff out of your study while she was temporarily using it. That is when you should have nipped it in the bud. She should have been grateful to have the offer of space as 1000's of young professionals are literally attending zoom meetings from their bedrooms and managing fine. My DD is 24 and a trainee corporate lawyer and she spent 6 months working from her bedroom as did so many of her friends.

I know you want to support her by helping her save to get on the property ladder and that is such a lovely thing to do but maybe you should consider how long you wish for this situation to continue. I think a kind but firm discussion is needed immediately.