Adult daughter colonising house

[Windingmeuptothemax]

I need some perspective on this as I have a very fractious relationship with this 26 yo DD. I love her very much and I'm proud of her but she and I are very similar and often rub each other up the wrong way.

She lived away from home for 4 years at uni. She had her own flats most of this time. She chose to study overseas so all her fees, rents and living costs were funded by DH and I. When she came home 4 years ago she moved back into our family home. The first year she was temping and working PT while she looked for a 'proper job" so she lived with us rent free. Once she got a FT job she continued to live with us because we are in London and rents are very high. We agreed she'd pay a nominal rent of £235 a month so she could save for a home of her own one day. For that she gets a double bedroom, sole use of a bathroom, all bills, can add food to the weekly food shop and free run of our wine rack and drinks cabinet.

When lockdown started she started to work from home in what was once my study. I no longer work so didn't need it. So she now has sole use of that room. My cupboards and papers are stored there out of sight and she's decorated it her way so it looks smart and formal for video meetings.

She wanted to buy a very posh coffee maker. I didn't want it kept in the kitchen as it would have been cluttered (and because there is already a perfectly good coffee machine there) so we cleared a counter/cupboard in the utility room, storing the stuff that was kept there elsewhere so she has a dedicated coffee area. It has expanded fr0m the coffee maker to a grinder and steamer too. She could open a branch of Costa.

This is all fine. We have plenty of space and money isn't a problem. But it seems the more space she gets, the more she wants. I've just gone into my previously neglected sewing room which I have spent lockdown cleaning and renovating into a cosy den for myself and discovered she has moved several things I keep in 'her' study into my sewing room because she felt they didn't go with her Christmas Zoom call aesthetic

AIBU to be so pissed off by this? I know it's hard for her as a grown woman to have to live in someone else's house but sometimes I feel like the lodger whose life is interfering with her Instagram perfection.

Honestly it sounds like it's generally working well, you just have to say no reasonably when things don't suit you and remind her not to spread. Or ask for your study back by a certain deadline. No biggie.

As I say, it's not about the money. We can afford to have her here. It would be petty for us to increase the rent when we don't need the money.

But maybe it’s not about the money but the learning that comes with it? It she wants the space to have a ‘Christmas aesthetic’ then she needs to find her own place. Otherwise she pays market rent to have full and unencumbered use of all these rooms in your home. She’s 26, not 18. Until she does that then she doesn’t get to roll her eyes tolerantly about things.

You don't sound like you're making her feel very welcome when you're objecting to every bit of space she's asking for, when there is plenty of space in the house!!

Maybe she isn't 'very welcome' though. If my children need help when they are adults for sure I will help them, they are my children, I love them. Letting them live with me would be a stop-gap though, a favour. As a result I would expect them to ask before they moved my things, ask before they assumed they could make a study.
I suppose what I am saying is although they would be welcome I would expect them to respect my space and not assume that it is theirs simply because I am their mum when they are now adults.

You definitely need to talk to her and set boundaries you're both comfortable with, or you'll be irritated all the time and xour relationship will deteriorate.

If she's a housemate she should pay more rent (put it all in an account and hand it to her for a deposit in a year's time as you don't need it - £800 per month, £9600 in a year's time).

. If she's living with xou as your daughter, not a housemate, she has to follow your rules and it should be a bit annoying and mildly frustrating to still be living as an 18/19 year old at 26 - she's supposed to know she'll always have a roof over her head but not get so comfortable thst you're effectively living with her and she's no reason to ever leave, but sometimes thinks whistfully about the day she can shuffle you out of her house into a sheltered housing complex...

My husband has a school friend who didn't move out until he was 43 - he waited until he'd inherrited from both sets of grandparents and used the proceeds of the sale from one house to finance the total renovation of the other. Moved out once it was to his liking, and when his parents were starting to have their own care needs - said he was freeing up his living space to let them employ live in carers...

He does have an incredible town center detached house now, to rattle around in.

I find it a bit sad when adult children are still living at home past their early 20s. That time of your life should be fun and free! I had so much fun living with housemates in my twenties, I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I think you do need to talk to her and support her to have a plan for moving out and living a normal adult life. Life is short, I have friends who moved back home in their 20s and are now still there approaching 40. It’s sad.

Saying that I do think you are sounding a bit petty. She is making use of the otherwise unused office. You have another little used room in which to store stuff, it’s no big deal that she put some of your stuff in there. How long was it there before you even noticed?!

I think treat her and talk to her like an adult, who should be leaving an independent adult life, rather than like a naughty teenager.

I would charge more and put it into a savings account to help with a deposit. I can see why you don't want to squander money on rent, but equally if things are too cushy she will never move forward and take responsibility.

How about rather than niggling each other, you make a time, head out for a coffee and discuss how to make this work. She needs to respect your space. You need to agree, and then respect, hers.

What a shoddy line to take with your own kid! - Erm she is a 26 year old women not a kid.

OP's daughter lived away for years, has a degree, works full-time and pays rent. - Yes she lived away for nearly 4 years and OP has already said DH paid ALL her costs of Uni/rent/living and now DD only pays £200 a month to live in London. She literally has no idea of the costs of living in the real world and to be honest that is her parents doing.

Jenstar123

I am not implying she is a child, I am implying it is a shoddy line to take with your child, adult or not. And you know that.

If you decide to have children you should know that responsibility for them does not end when they hit adulthood.

If you're an adult person you should know to be respectful to loving parents who invite you to stay in their home and allow you to contribute barely enough to cover your bills and food.

There's a lot of unspoken resentment going on from your side anyway.
We don't know her side because no one ever asked her how she felt growing up in the shadow of her brother's illness.
"she might leave and not bother with us again."
You tiptoe around her in case she leaves you and never comes back.
What'll make her leave and not bother with you again is if her
You clearly do not want her around your house. You resent her presence. Why is this do you think?
This is a barrier to your relationship with her.

Do you think she takes some of your DH's attention off you? You probably got used to getting all his attention when it was just the two of you in the house.
You feel 'relegated' in the pecking order.
This is to do with the circumstance of her being there and not to do with who she is as a person, can you see that?
Therefore there is a possibility you are blind to who she is and are only responding to the emotions her presence evokes in you.

Probably because in your own family as a child, you felt relegated and put in a corner by another sibling. If so, this jealousy and resentment is being re ignited for some reason.
She is not your problem. Dealing with your own feelings is your problem.

@Calabasa

I am going against the grain.

Coming from the place that i'm an adult living with her mother.

Is it her home or not? It sounds like you have loads of room to have bedrooms, an unused study, a sewing room, a kitchen and a utility.

I don't suppose she wanted to work from home.. but you've 'let' her use the study, but by the sound of it, you're pissed off she's tried to make it comfortable for her to spend all day in.. even to the point when she moves some of your stuff out and into your sewing room, you move it right back.

You two need to work out what is going on here. She's either allowed to use the 'study' and make it her own or she's not.

You don't sound like you're making her feel very welcome when you're objecting to every bit of space she's asking for, when there is plenty of space in the house!!

If you dont want her there, then tell her to move out.

Quite frankly, Mom and I have 'shared' space.. which is the downstairs, then our own space that is totally our own and it results in a lot less stress because neither of us feel possessive about things or keep each others stuff in each others private space.

You need to have a long hard think about your attitude.

😂😂😂 Op has decades of stuff. She is letting her dd use her study and has tidied it up for her dd so her dd feels comfortable in it. Her dd is supposed to be saving for a house, not honing her barista skills and wasting money on Christmas decor. The items she moved out was because they didn’t fit with the Christmas theme.

In short she is paying £7.73 a day for the use of the family home including a large bedroom, bathroom, study, booze and meals. But still is not happy despite not even covering her basic costs.

It is normal an adult parent and child clash to a certain extent if both people’s boundaries are not respected. Which as far as I can see, ops are not. It is disrespectful to clutter up someone else’s personal space with items you don’t want. If she wanted to remove them, she should have let her mother know she’d stored them in the garage or attic. At 26, she very much hasn’t cut the apron strings and is still in child mode, not helped by op.

• relationship with you is superficial

This is a golden opportunity to spend time with her, I think. In twenty years you want her to look back and remember the chats you had when she didn't have anywhere to go, not how petty and territorial got over the placing of furniture.

Trust me, she'll be gone the moment she can go. How big a sigh of relief she breathes depends on how much perspective you can get.

It doesn't matter what's reasonable, who is right or how annoying it all is.

And maybe one day she'll want to keep a cot in that room so the baby can go down for a nap when she's spending the day with you. And you will want her to feel she can, I expect.

And she’s 26?! Deary me. She needs to move in with friends/housemates/other professionals and get in to the real world!

flaviaritt

A 26 year old living in London for £200 a month for a double bedroom, private bathroom and use of a study who rolls there eyes at their DM after trying to move her stuff around is taking the piss.
And you know that.

I disagree with the PP’s saying it’s time she moved out, as in London, that’s not always a first option, E.g. I wouldn’t want my DC’s to pay £1000+ per month without bills for the shoeboxes that are available for this price.
You do need to redefine your relationship though: make sure that boundaries are set, and get her to do specific jobs around the house in lieu of rent, as she’s barely covering keep. Get her to make a plan for purchasing her own place, and in the meantime to respect your space.
You don’t have to fall out, she just needs to know what your expectations are of her as a grown woman!

She certainly has no need to save for her own place she has it already.
Couldn't have had mine home at this age.

She sounds quite entitled. Maybe it's time to communicate boundaries and what is and isn't OK whilst she is living under your roof.

Things ARE more difficult for young people than they have been in a long time, so there's a bit of give and take to be had - lots of parents are helping out their adult children where they can.

But she also needs to respect your house and that it is, indeed, yours.

Perhaps you can agree that she can treat her room as hers and that's what the "rent" covers, so she can do what she likes in there (and you are charging a VERY reasonable rent for a room with a private bathroom!)

But anything outside of that is shared space - it seems extravagent that she has her own office "Zoom" room and can chuck your stuff out, for example. I would draw the line there!

If you decide to have children you should know that responsibility for them does not end when they hit adulthood

They become responsible for themselves once they hit 18 legally. Not all 26 year olds have rich parents with ample space. In those situations the 18 year old would be left to get on with it. They are legally able to make their own way in the world.

This 26 year old is very very lucky and she should start appreciating this. Parents need their own space too and if she’s taking over the house, then how’s that fair?!

Jenstar123

But that wasn’t my point. I said very clearly, if the OP doesn’t like having her there she should ask her to leave. But specifically, telling your own child they ‘rent a room and a bathroom’ in their childhood home is (IMO) a shitty attitude.

So even though you’ve mentioned lots of things, you say you’re fine with it all apart from her putting some stuff in your sewing room. Just tell her to move them as you want to fully use the room for your own things.

It seems like you’re making a big thing of nothing unless all the other things you’ve mentioned (paying for her oversees study, the nominal rent, the use of the utility for her coffee things) really are bothering you. But you have said these things aren’t a problem.

@sadie9

@flaviaritt

Jenstar123

But that wasn’t my point. I said very clearly, if the OP doesn’t like having her there she should ask her to leave. But specifically, telling your own child they ‘rent a room and a bathroom’ in their childhood home is (IMO) a shitty attitude.

Why is it?

Children get everything provided by their parents until they are adults - then at that point there is a shift. That's normal and necessary. Young people need to learn to function in the adult world.

Charging them rent when they hit 18 or whenever they can pay is pretty standard way of helping young people to learn adult life skills and experience some responsibility before they are "out there" for real. It is kinder in the long run than letting them coast along for free in my opinion.

I don’t think the house, the rooms or what goes where is the issue here at all, OP. It’s deeper than that.

Relationships need clear boundaries and circumstances have muddied yours. If you’re familiar with the idea of parenting styles (pic attached) you’ve gone from uninvolved (not through your own fault) to permissive but the direction you need to move in is towards authoritative which is a very warm and loving relationship with good boundaries.

And while you may feel you’ve done the parenting bit and she’s an adult now, neither of you are truly acting like adults with adults. It’s still very much a parent child dynamic.

Allowing yourself to be walked over is bad for both of you. I actually think a couple of family therapy sessions might help to clear the air. Children, of all ages, don’t always see the POV of their dps without help.

Children get everything provided by their parents until they are adults - then at that point there is a shift. That's normal and necessary. Young people need to learn to function in the adult world.

And I don’t disagree with that. The OP is entitled to (and should) encourage her child out into the world.

But IMO (and you are entitled not to share it), “You rent a room...” is a horrible thing to say to your child. I wouldn’t talk to my kids like that over a coffee machine and a few bits in a room in a house they lived in with me. It’s not nice.