Adult daughter colonising house

[Windingmeuptothemax]

I need some perspective on this as I have a very fractious relationship with this 26 yo DD. I love her very much and I'm proud of her but she and I are very similar and often rub each other up the wrong way.

She lived away from home for 4 years at uni. She had her own flats most of this time. She chose to study overseas so all her fees, rents and living costs were funded by DH and I. When she came home 4 years ago she moved back into our family home. The first year she was temping and working PT while she looked for a 'proper job" so she lived with us rent free. Once she got a FT job she continued to live with us because we are in London and rents are very high. We agreed she'd pay a nominal rent of £235 a month so she could save for a home of her own one day. For that she gets a double bedroom, sole use of a bathroom, all bills, can add food to the weekly food shop and free run of our wine rack and drinks cabinet.

When lockdown started she started to work from home in what was once my study. I no longer work so didn't need it. So she now has sole use of that room. My cupboards and papers are stored there out of sight and she's decorated it her way so it looks smart and formal for video meetings.

She wanted to buy a very posh coffee maker. I didn't want it kept in the kitchen as it would have been cluttered (and because there is already a perfectly good coffee machine there) so we cleared a counter/cupboard in the utility room, storing the stuff that was kept there elsewhere so she has a dedicated coffee area. It has expanded fr0m the coffee maker to a grinder and steamer too. She could open a branch of Costa.

This is all fine. We have plenty of space and money isn't a problem. But it seems the more space she gets, the more she wants. I've just gone into my previously neglected sewing room which I have spent lockdown cleaning and renovating into a cosy den for myself and discovered she has moved several things I keep in 'her' study into my sewing room because she felt they didn't go with her Christmas Zoom call aesthetic

AIBU to be so pissed off by this? I know it's hard for her as a grown woman to have to live in someone else's house but sometimes I feel like the lodger whose life is interfering with her Instagram perfection.

Sorry, but she sounds like a spoilt brat...and I think deep down you know that, but are unsure how to change her sense of entitlement.

Do you have any idea what she earns in relation to what she pays you, which is a pittance given her age.

Personally I'd be annoyed that she has funded the decorating of the room instead of putting it into savings. Her sense of entitlement really does sound excessive tbh.

It would annoy me. I don't have a sewing room but I'd be annoyed if my children started dumping stuff in my bedroom. It's the same thing. It's my space so they don't get to put stuff in there. Similarly they don't move things from the sitting room, dinning room or bedroom and put them somewhere else.
I think it's hard going back home. I moved back home when I was 25 and left after a month. My dad and I love each other but he gets on my nerves and we started arguing. I didn't treat it like my own personal home though.
Is your relationship so bad that you fear she'll never see you again when she moves out? Are you going to let her live with you forever then?
Increse her rent but save it for her, she should contribute towards food and drink too and set boundaries about moving things and respecting each others space.
If you don't charge a realistic rent how she going to learn to budget? It sounds like she's never had to because you just pay for her lifestyle. What is she going to do if you are no longer around or suddenly don't have a lot of spare money?
Get her budgeting in a, realistic way and if London is too expensive help her look for somewhere cheaper.

You say she is with you so she can save up for a home of her one day.
Given the price of a tiny flat in Zone 1 is £500K at least, she could be with your until you die. If you mean she is saving 10% for a house deposit, how long will that take? Have you had that conversation?

I have an adult child living in London. They moved out of home into a shared house once they had saved enough for a deposit, two month's rent and a small nest egg to cover emergencies. They pay a fortune in rent now but the only option if they buy is to move to suburbia and commute which doesn't appeal either at the moment.

It sounds as if you are spoiling your daughter. Clearly it's a biggish house with several bathrooms, study, sewing room etc .
I think you need to get some timelines in place.

By the time mine moved out she had a bathroom, 3 bedrooms and a large landing (fits 2 sofas). She took every item of furniture with her- it was agreed- now we have an amazing top floor 6 month after she has left

It was her home- but she did save up enough to move out in 2 years in the North but still a £40 k deposit with ISA top up and enough to cover all costs

We’ve just had the same thing
My partners daughter (18) lived with us
She didn’t pay any rent (she refused to get a job)
She expected us to buy ‘her’ foods-just for her
Pay her phone bill
Pay any bills (and by god did things like our gas bill shoot up)
Buy her clothes/shoes/college bits
She tried to take over our whole house and heaven forbid we moved her stuff back into her (large) bedroom
Much much more

This went on and on,with her spineless dad letting her get away with it until I put my foot down and told her to get a job or leave

She’s left-but she’ll soon find out the grass isn’t greener on the other side

They need to grow up and learn the hard way

At 26 with a FT job she needs to start being independent. At that age I had been living independently for 10 years. I lived in flat shares. There has been a weird shift in entitlement since I was young that sees young people insistent that they can't possibly leave home until they can afford to buy somewhere. That was never the norm before. Weird. SIL did it, stayed at home until she was 34.

You need to work out a sensible arrangement as the current one obviously isn't suiting you. Start charging her an amount that actually reflects the cost of her being there. £235 a month is ludicrous. I paid that for a London flat share 20 years ago.

I'm going to go against the grain here but in the nicest possible way OP I think you need to chill out. You're either happy for her to live there or you're not; if you're not, fine, tell her she has to move out. If you are, why on earth are you getting your back up over this? She bought a coffee maker and moved some stuff from one room to another. It is really not a huge issue, could be solved with some simple communication, and if these are your only problems a lot of people would gladly swap.

What strikes me OP is that it’s all very black and white. Why did her needing to work in the study mean that that room becomes exclusively hers? Why does her living at home mean that the bathroom is exclusively hers (as opposed to being room which is everybody’s but in reality only she really uses)?

It seems to me like some of this comes from rather than living side-by-side in a house where all the rooms are shared apart from ones own bedroom instead you felt the necessity, or she has felt the necessity, to say whose room is Whose. That then gives that individual a feeling that they either have carte blanche over that room or that they need to enter into some lengthy negotiation.

The stuff about the coffee machine is just weird if she wants to coffee machine and she paid for it that’s fine. if you don’t want it in the kitchen then you could’ve said she should keep it in her bedroom or keep it in the study. I just don’t really see what the big deal is there.

I absolutely understand why your sewing room is irritating but just move the stuff back and tell her not to do it again. Do you see what I mean?

I think maybe too much is going on spoken and that you just need to chat outside the time when you’re irritating the arse off each other.

Difficult one, because if I lived with my mother we would kill each other within weeks (love her very much and she is great BTW). I personally think it’s silly to raise the rent if you don’t need it but you do need to set some boundaries i.e. sewing room is yours, coffee station must go into the study.

I will get flamed for this but it sounds like she is costing you ALOT to live their, is there any possibility to lend her some money towards a deposit for a house?

Hi OP, I'm not sure how helpful this is but wanted to share a couple of things that occurred to me:

First that your worries about your son's teenage illness and it's effect on your DD sound like they need some examining. This might be the root cause of the challenges the two of you have in relating?

Second that, as PPs have said, it's extreme that you think she will abandon you without a backwards glance if you put any boundaries in place.

Taking these both together, I'd say that you might want to explore whether counselling (either just for you, or for you and DD together) might be a worthwhile way to invest in a healthier mother-daughter relationship going forwards.

Lastly I want to share that I had a friend as a teenager who came from a loving, wealthy, stable family and was hugely over-indulged. At 40 we no longer speak because of her terrible and entitled behaviour. She is also single, childless, a very under-employed 'freelancer' and still living at home (albeit now in an annexed flat), basically because her parents are the only people on earth who can put up with her! So do think about the long-term effects of sweeping this under the carpet, not just on yourself but also on DD.

Best of luck X

Do you have other children living at home, @Windingmeuptothemax?

I think in a well-meant effort to make up for having to focus on her DB when she was younger, you are doing her a disservice by babying her now. It is totally understandable why you and she would fall into this trap, especially while Covid makes jobs and moving house more precarious.

But in the long run there are many aspects of adulthood and independence that can only be learnt by leaving the shelter of your family home and taking on your own responsibilities. It is time for your DD to do that, and I would be starting that conversation (maybe today, as the start of vaccination will make it easier for people to move etc).

I think it’s totally reasonable not to want to work in your bedroom - it’s important to have a change of scene if you can. You sound like you can afford the space for her to do that, by using your study.

Granted, she shouldn’t move your things, but that can be a simple conversation.

As for the coffee machine, it doesn’t seem a big deal to have a coffee machine in the utility room.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but I think you are over reacting a little bit.
There are much worse things that she could be doing such as drugs. If your biggest problem is her leaving belongings somewhere in the house you dislike please count yourself extremely lucky.

Yes I agree it might be annoying but she is probably completely unaware of how you feel about it.

You know what you need to do here, OP. You knew when you posted and many people have come along since and confirmed it to you. You don't necessarily need to chuck her out but you DO need to communicate. The fact you are scared to pull up your daughter about poor behaviour because she might never have nothing to do with you again is plain & simple emotional blackmail on her part. And you're enabling it by allowing it to continue.

However, I suspect this will be yet another MN thread where the poster does absolutely nothing to resolve their problem. Much easier to have a wee rant online and then resume the status quo.

I am going against the grain.

Coming from the place that i'm an adult living with her mother.

Is it her home or not? It sounds like you have loads of room to have bedrooms, an unused study, a sewing room, a kitchen and a utility.

I don't suppose she wanted to work from home.. but you've 'let' her use the study, but by the sound of it, you're pissed off she's tried to make it comfortable for her to spend all day in.. even to the point when she moves some of your stuff out and into your sewing room, you move it right back.

You two need to work out what is going on here. She's either allowed to use the 'study' and make it her own or she's not.

You don't sound like you're making her feel very welcome when you're objecting to every bit of space she's asking for, when there is plenty of space in the house!!

If you dont want her there, then tell her to move out.

Quite frankly, Mom and I have 'shared' space.. which is the downstairs, then our own space that is totally our own and it results in a lot less stress because neither of us feel possessive about things or keep each others stuff in each others private space.

You need to have a long hard think about your attitude.

It sounds like your DD has got use to getting her own way and taking the piss a bit, she does sound like an adult brat and needs a reality check. Do you know how much she has saved up so far? She might not even be intending to move out anymore since she has it so cushty at home! I think you should increase her rent but put aside the extra money she’s paying to help her save to move out. It sounds like this situation is putting a strain on your relationship with DD and needs to change.

I think you just have to put your foot down and say, "Enough is enough". You have been too lenient with boundaries. Once they are properly established it will be alright. It's nice that she is sharing the house rather than just living with parents and she won't be there forever but while she is, she must respect your space as you respect hers.

Your fear of abandonment is extraordinary and is by far the biggest thing going on here.

I think you're making it worse for yourself by allowing yourself to feel you are buying her closeness, by offering her such a comfortable home life. Then getting frustrated with yourself and feeling that you are being a bit of a mug.

She doesn't mind when you push back against her incursions into your space. It's you who minds doing it.

You need to let that go. Tell her more clearly what the terms are, if that's what you feel. Talk to her about her plans for the future, so you can plan together the best way to make them happen. Then she'll see you as part of that future (as if she didn't already).

Maybe you could 'charge more rent' by paying it into a savings account or ISA for her, towards her future deposit? That would get her more used to having to budget, while giving her a useful end result.

That would be driving me mad too. Move your stuff back and remind her Zoom etc have a background function she needs to use.

I think you've created this problem yourself. You could have very easily said no. In fact it kinda sounds like you encouraged her. Redecorating your office? No. Turning utility room into a coffee shop? No. She Rents a room and a bathroom. She is BORROWING your study. The utility is a family space. I dont really think she's much to blame, you've done this to yourself. I dont see a way back though. The bedroom, office and utility are now hers. Dont hand over anymore of your house and hope she moves out soon!

She Rents a room and a bathroom.

It’s her family home, though. She’s not a lodger. The OP has let her move home so it’s unsurprising that she treats the house like her home. What a shoddy line to take with your own kid!

@Rainbowandscarlett

We’ve just had the same thing My partners daughter (18) lived with us She didn’t pay any rent (she refused to get a job) She expected us to buy ‘her’ foods-just for her Pay her phone bill Pay any bills (and by god did things like our gas bill shoot up) Buy her clothes/shoes/college bits She tried to take over our whole house and heaven forbid we moved her stuff back into her (large) bedroom Much much more

This went on and on,with her spineless dad letting her get away with it until I put my foot down and told her to get a job or leave

She’s left-but she’ll soon find out the grass isn’t greener on the other side

They need to grow up and learn the hard way

How is this the same thing? OP's daughter lived away for years, has a degree, works full-time and pays rent.

"So is it her home or not?

If it's her home, then why are you treating her like an annoying lodger who has to walk on eggshells around you and ask permission for everything?

If it's not her home, is she registered homeless?"

This. You say money and space are not an issue. Yet you resent her presence and her treating your home as her home which it is! I can never understand why some parents seem to resent their grown up children.

I think the OP is the one with the issue here. The daughter sounds like she is responsible and is doing the right things - went to university, is in employment. It's no surprise she wants a separate room to work in, it's not her fault Covid has forced people to work from home. I think the OP should cut her some slack, the OP freely admits they have both the money and the space to support her.

If you decide to have children you should know that responsibility for them does not end when they hit adulthood.