Adult daughter colonising house

[Windingmeuptothemax]

I need some perspective on this as I have a very fractious relationship with this 26 yo DD. I love her very much and I'm proud of her but she and I are very similar and often rub each other up the wrong way.

She lived away from home for 4 years at uni. She had her own flats most of this time. She chose to study overseas so all her fees, rents and living costs were funded by DH and I. When she came home 4 years ago she moved back into our family home. The first year she was temping and working PT while she looked for a 'proper job" so she lived with us rent free. Once she got a FT job she continued to live with us because we are in London and rents are very high. We agreed she'd pay a nominal rent of £235 a month so she could save for a home of her own one day. For that she gets a double bedroom, sole use of a bathroom, all bills, can add food to the weekly food shop and free run of our wine rack and drinks cabinet.

When lockdown started she started to work from home in what was once my study. I no longer work so didn't need it. So she now has sole use of that room. My cupboards and papers are stored there out of sight and she's decorated it her way so it looks smart and formal for video meetings.

She wanted to buy a very posh coffee maker. I didn't want it kept in the kitchen as it would have been cluttered (and because there is already a perfectly good coffee machine there) so we cleared a counter/cupboard in the utility room, storing the stuff that was kept there elsewhere so she has a dedicated coffee area. It has expanded fr0m the coffee maker to a grinder and steamer too. She could open a branch of Costa.

This is all fine. We have plenty of space and money isn't a problem. But it seems the more space she gets, the more she wants. I've just gone into my previously neglected sewing room which I have spent lockdown cleaning and renovating into a cosy den for myself and discovered she has moved several things I keep in 'her' study into my sewing room because she felt they didn't go with her Christmas Zoom call aesthetic

AIBU to be so pissed off by this? I know it's hard for her as a grown woman to have to live in someone else's house but sometimes I feel like the lodger whose life is interfering with her Instagram perfection.

@sillysmiles

I assume this is the home she grew up in? So this is, and has always been her home. She has lived away when she was in college, but has now come home

If money and space aren't the issue, then you need to work out what the issue is, because from my pov you are begrudging her space in her own home.

I say this as someone who moved out at 17 and never moved home BTW.

It's her home but only by the grace of her mum. Her name is not on the deeds and she needs to be respectful of that. I lived at home until I was in my early 30s and while I always described it as home I was always aware that it's my mum's house and ultimately she rules the roost.

She's more of a lodger than a home owner.

God how sad.
Yes of course DC grow up and should stand on their own two feet etc etc but my home is my DC's home for life and they would be welcome at anytime no matter what their age.

You're right, YoungScrappy OP would be torn to shreds if it was her DSD.

@IntermittentParps

I’d be talking to her about the end goal here. Has she researched areas she would like to live in? What kind of property is she looking at? How’s the commute if/when work resumes as normal? What are the prices like? What are the banks asking for in terms of deposit at the moment? Oh, 10% for FTB, that’s good. How much have you saved?

DP and I didn't have this kind of support when we were buying our house (at a little older than 26, but we were still young adults). I'd be embarrassed if I were the daughter's age and a parent had to walk me through this stuff.

I don’t know if that is case as there’s not really enough information from OP.

Maybe she’s a whip sharp young woman who has almost saved £50k and knows exactly what she wants and just needs a little help to get there. Or maybe she’s 26 and earns £3000 a month and has saved absolutely nothing and spends it all on Christmas aesthetics (?) and coffee machines. Maybe it’s something in between and she’s sort of maybe moving out at some point but needs a push in the right direction, at least looking at average house/rental prices in an area she likes and working out what she’ll need to get there.

They are all different things with different approaches needed. I just replied for the worst case scenario.

Just tell her she's overstepping and that all of her things need to stay in her room. No exceptions.

You need to point out to her how good of a deal she's getting and enquire how long she will be expecting it to continue.

This is a perfectly normal conversation to have with an adult child, OP. You don't need to tiptoe around her or make ever more room for her in your own home.

Covid has obviously affected everything so moving out in a city is a bit more problematic. However the daughter is lucky still to have a job and £235 pcm is ludicrous when it includes a double bedroom, study, all bills and food and alcohol. It would be £1000 in a flat share in London. I wonder how much the DD has saved - that may be a conversation the OP needs to have as well as upping the contribution (which could always be put into savings for the DD when she moves out). I doubt the daughter will break all ties - think of the proceeds of a large London house going to a cats home. Mi casa es su casa is fine until you find it's no longer mi casa.

@JollyJingleJemima
God how sad.
Yes of course DC grow up and should stand on their own two feet etc etc but my home is my DC's home for life and they would be welcome at anytime no matter what their age.

How myopic. There have been many threads where women are reduced to tears because their children are living at home well in their 30s and 40s and expect to live rent free, do no housework and eat food without buying any themselves.

If this is what you want for your self then that'd fine but don't wish it on other women who don't want this.

You're right, YoungScrappy OP would be torn to shreds if it was her DSD.

No, she wouldn't, not IME.

It's a covid thing - this is a terrible time for a young person to be renting alone or with strangers - but i think you should start opening up conversations about what she might choose to do after covid, and encouraging her to get a bit of independence. maybe have a look together at what she can afford in terms of flats or ask her about sharing with friends or what her friends are doing? i think that it being an open-ended thing at age 26 is unusual although i do understand london rents (i paid them at her age as my parents were in scotland).

@JollyJingleJemima - I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking that. My home with always be my DS's home, just as my parents' home was always my home.

spiderlight - how old is your son? Be honest!

13....and yes, I get your point, maybe if he were 45 and still leaving his socks on the bathroom floor I'd feel differently, but I can't imagine ever feeling that he should keep his stuff out of my home.

spiderlight, the OP is happy for her dd to have her stop at home, but she feels like her home is being taken over. And it's very different when an adult DC does that, they're old enough to know to respect boundaries and space.

*stuff at home

@tallduckandhandsome what does that have to do with anything?

I'm over 40 and myself and my kids live with my mom because she has that attitude.. and opened my childhood home back up to me after i escaped an abusive marriage.

It suits us both to live together.. i get a secure roof over my head and some help with my children, and she gets a competent adult who can do all the maintenance & household admin that my dad used to deal with and we both get companionship and another adult to speak to and socialise with!

Having an adult child/parent pairing in the house is about communication and setting comfortable boundaries that work for both of you.

Maybe our dynamic works because i lived in/ran my own home for 16 years before i had to come back here, but we are good friends and it works for us.

@Calabasa I think you've misunderstood my posts. I have no issue with adult DC living with parents (you'll see upthread I lived at home until my early 30s!). What I disagree with is posters saying that the house is just much her daughter's home as it is OP's. That is not true. It's OP's house, she owns it, dd is not on the deeds, the dd lives there by the grace of her mum. The dd needs to be respectful of that.

[quote spiderlight]@JollyJingleJemima - I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking that. My home with always be my DS's home, just as my parents' home was always my home.[/quote]
It's all right @spiderlight it doesn't matter how old your DS is, you will probably always feel the same, same as me. Different parenting isn't it.

Any chance she can afford somewhere yet? Maybe before the stamp duty holiday ends?

@PorridgeOaf

Sewing room

I don't know if you have adult children who have flown the nest, but it's perfectly normal to re-purpose unused bedrooms like this. Your little humphy face seems to imply that @Windingmeuptothemax is living in the Palace of Versailles and rubbing your face in it. That really isn't the case, and she is hardly being wildly profligate in taking back some space for her hobby after raising her son to independence.

I think it just needs a conversation. I'm sorry that someone feels so much about the aesthetic of a Zoom call, but that's something you need to talk about.

My DC all came back to the family home after graduating with no time limits on their stays or rent charged. They all had their own bedrooms back, an office, and bathroom and the run of the house. They saved up and moved out to homes of their own, but we were happy to have them here for as long as that took. They all grew up here and this is still their family home.

If they left stuff where it wasn't meant to be I just left it on by the stairs and told them to take up to their rooms. We never really had any issues with them when they lived back at home. That said, they had all moved out by the time they were 26.

The youngest is in a house share in a city close by, but he has just texted and asked me can he work from here next week as he has just moved and the internet is not up and running. We are looking forward to having him back and then home for Christmas.

I would assume the aesthetic thing is to do with the persona/impression she is trying to portray of herself to the people she works with.

Being annoyed at stuff being moved around the house sounds like a typical feature of sharing a house with anyone else, rather than a major commentry on whether you should carry on living together.

If you have lots of stuff between you for the amount of space you have / number of people using the house, it's worth thinking about decluttering services and storage facilities, if that'd give you more useable space, particularly if there are large things you're keeping for your daughter for when she moves out.

Sounds to me like you could do with some time apart from each other, which is hard to achieve re COVID, but maybe you can arrange to go out at different times of day, so everybody gets a bit of time alone at home and everybody gets some fresh air / a walk / a change of scenery.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@Calabasa I think you've misunderstood my posts. I have no issue with adult DC living with parents (you'll see upthread I lived at home until my early 30s!). What I disagree with is posters saying that the house is just much her daughter's home as it is OP's. That is not true. It's OP's house, she owns it, dd is not on the deeds, the dd lives there by the grace of her mum. The dd needs to be respectful of that.[/quote]
^^This

I waited years to be able to have my home the way I wanted it. And that's how it's staying.

I’d like to know how the relationships are between some of you and your adult children. No doubt you’ll all say they’re wonderful, I wonder what your kids would say if they’re being honest.

Just have a convo with her saying that you want said things stored in that room, or find another place for them.
To be honest, you do sound really petty to me. I wish I only had your problems by the time mine turns 26!

I’d like to know how the relationships are between some of you and your adult children. No doubt you’ll all say they’re wonderful, I wonder what your kids would say if they’re being honest.

I don't have adult dc but I have a great relationship with my mother. She let me live there up to my early 30s (when I moved in with DH) and I know she would let us move in with her if we needed to. However, my love for her isn't dependent on her allowing me to put my stuff where ever I want. I paid her the respect of keeping my things tidy and not taking over the place with my things.