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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult daughter colonising house

186 replies

Windingmeuptothemax · 08/12/2020 12:31

I need some perspective on this as I have a very fractious relationship with this 26 yo DD. I love her very much and I'm proud of her but she and I are very similar and often rub each other up the wrong way.

She lived away from home for 4 years at uni. She had her own flats most of this time. She chose to study overseas so all her fees, rents and living costs were funded by DH and I. When she came home 4 years ago she moved back into our family home. The first year she was temping and working PT while she looked for a 'proper job" so she lived with us rent free. Once she got a FT job she continued to live with us because we are in London and rents are very high. We agreed she'd pay a nominal rent of £235 a month so she could save for a home of her own one day. For that she gets a double bedroom, sole use of a bathroom, all bills, can add food to the weekly food shop and free run of our wine rack and drinks cabinet.

When lockdown started she started to work from home in what was once my study. I no longer work so didn't need it. So she now has sole use of that room. My cupboards and papers are stored there out of sight and she's decorated it her way so it looks smart and formal for video meetings.

She wanted to buy a very posh coffee maker. I didn't want it kept in the kitchen as it would have been cluttered (and because there is already a perfectly good coffee machine there) so we cleared a counter/cupboard in the utility room, storing the stuff that was kept there elsewhere so she has a dedicated coffee area. It has expanded fr0m the coffee maker to a grinder and steamer too. She could open a branch of Costa.

This is all fine. We have plenty of space and money isn't a problem. But it seems the more space she gets, the more she wants. I've just gone into my previously neglected sewing room which I have spent lockdown cleaning and renovating into a cosy den for myself and discovered she has moved several things I keep in 'her' study into my sewing room because she felt they didn't go with her Christmas Zoom call aesthetic

AIBU to be so pissed off by this? I know it's hard for her as a grown woman to have to live in someone else's house but sometimes I feel like the lodger whose life is interfering with her Instagram perfection.

OP posts:

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 08/12/2020 19:51

I don't have adult dc but I have a great relationship with my mother. She let me live there up to my early 30s (when I moved in with DH) and I know she would let us move in with her if we needed to. However, my love for her isn't dependent on her allowing me to put my stuff where ever I want. I paid her the respect of keeping my things tidy and not taking over the place with my things.

Parents and children need to be respectful of each other. OP says the only issue is the things in the sewing room. Have a conversation, ask for the things to be moved. The daughter may not have realised it’s a problem as the OP has said she is fine with all the other stuff, the coffee machine etc.

blahblahblaaa · 09/12/2020 00:29

How long do you plan to wear the guilt of her older brother and her adolescence op? I guess that will have a bearing on whether you feel it's time to stop continuing her teenage years into her 20's and possibly 30's.

She won't cut you off. You're her mum. Maybe she'll throw a strop if that's her personality or not speak to you for a while. But at some point she'll want her mum and she'll turn up, looking to you.

I have a child with a long term illness op so I get the guilt you carry. In my case though I have guilt over his childhood and what he has endured, and what he is yet to endure. I am worried that he won't stand on his own two feet at some point either as I try so hard to make his life easier in many ways to make up for how hard his life is in others.

What I would like though, is to know that when I am no longer around to support him financially and his health, he can do those things for himself and not fail at the first hurdle. I would sit down with her and ask for a long term plan - how much has she saved and when does she plan to buy?

jessstan1 · 09/12/2020 02:16

BadTattoos: I’d like to know how the relationships are between some of you and your adult children. No doubt you’ll all say they’re wonderful, I wonder what your kids would say if they’re being honest.
.......
Why so cynical? There are plenty of people who love their adult children and are loved by them. I certainly care about mine, always will and I know it is reciprocated.

I don't go around saying, "X is wonderful", why would I? Nobody is perfect but when you care about people, you accept their imperfections surely. I'm far from perfect. However, most of us are 'OK people' and do our best.

Horehound · 09/12/2020 09:31

The crux of it is, is she actually saving any money to move out in the future or is she spending it all on coffee makers etc...?

Horehound · 09/12/2020 09:32

Also lockdown will ease and she'll be back to her boyfriends in no time.

Woewoewoejoy · 09/12/2020 09:43

Only in the UK have I ever seen parenting where when the child reaches the age of an adult they are expected to upshop and leave and be silent if they stay home and must look like they don't live there because they've been bank rolled.... You chose to have children and they don't stop being your children when they turn 18 I have 4 children and even when and if they leave one day my home will always be there's. If they want to put something here that's fine. If I think it should go somewhere else I will say so but my home is their home and we will do whatever we can to help them as that's what a parent does. The fact you have a sewing room and office ling in London suggests you have the space! If op thinks her daughter is entitled then she must get it from her. What does your DH think? I find women always moan about this more than the men/father's. But maybe I'm in the minority?

JollyJingleJemima · 09/12/2020 09:44

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

I’d like to know how the relationships are between some of you and your adult children. No doubt you’ll all say they’re wonderful, I wonder what your kids would say if they’re being honest.

Totally agree, it can't be nice feeling unwanted at the family home.

IntermittentParps · 09/12/2020 09:50

The fact you have a sewing room and office ling in London suggests you have the space! If op thinks her daughter is entitled then she must get it from her.

Oh get over yourself. Having more than a tiny bedsit to live in doesn't make the OP fair game or mean she has to accommodate everything about her DD that she finds unworkable.

Woewoewoejoy · 09/12/2020 09:53

@IntermittentParps sure but they can at least talk about it as most parents and children would do. They have the space why would you begrudge your daughter this? There needs to be a bit of respect both ways. And yes maybe the ops daughter should show more but I still stand by my original post

TableFlowerss · 09/12/2020 09:53

@Woewoewoejoy

I have 4 children and even when and if they leave one day my home will always be there's. If they want to put something here that's fine. If I think it should go somewhere else I will say so but my home is their home and we will do whatever we can to help them as that's what a parent does. The fact you have a sewing room and office ling in London suggests you have the space! If op thinks her daughter is entitled then she must get it from her. What does your DH think? I find women always moan about this more than the men/father's. But maybe I'm in the minority?

Equally, in certain cultures/countries it’s the norm to have parents/in laws living with you in to old age (sharing a house with you, your partner, your children etc...)

That’s not the norm here either. (Thankfully)

The notion you have to all live together under one roof is not at all appealing and I’m glad it’s not the norm here. I can’t imagine the strain it would have on relationships between spouses having in laws living in the same house. Absolutely not!

Belladonna12 · 09/12/2020 09:56

I have an adult DD and it's not something I would get worked up about. If she had moved her stuff into a room which I wanted to use for myself I would just ask her to move it back. Job done.

IntermittentParps · 09/12/2020 09:56

They have the space why would you begrudge your daughter this There needs to be a bit of respect both ways
The OP is perfectly entitled to want her house her way. Her DD is 26 for heaven's sake (I'd feel a bit more lenient were she about 19).

The DD doesn't respect her mother much, rolling her eyes at being asked to tidy up, moving the OP's belongings without asking, not to mention that she doesn't seem to be using the wonderful opportunity to pay token rent and save for her own place.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 09/12/2020 09:58

I actually think YABU, she hasn't chosen to work at home and it's a room you've said you don't use anymore because you no longer work, she put your things in with your other things in what you've described as your neglected sewing room - yet another room you don't use, but begrudge her for having any impact on. If you were actually using these rooms I'd understand but it all sounds a bit 'I don't use them but I don't want anyone else to either', which is petty.
Restrictions will loosen over the next 3 months and she'll go back to her BF's . If you didn't want her living in the family home after she graduated you shouldn't have offered it as an option, but I think it's unreasonable that she lives there but has arbitrary restrictive on top of those mandated by government, she's your daughter not your lodger. There will be plenty on here who say she's got it easy etc, but clearly you are quite well off to have that size of property in London so her peppercorn rent is hardly putting you on the breadline, it must not be very nice to feel unwanted in your family home.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 09/12/2020 09:59

It's very normal for 26 year olds in London to still live with parents

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2020 10:39

Have an actual conversation with her. Like a grown up.

Talk about expectations, boundaries, communication, respect for each other. Be an adult. Ask her to be an adult too.

Hellotheresweet · 09/12/2020 10:43

@bridgetreilly

Have an actual conversation with her. Like a grown up.

Talk about expectations, boundaries, communication, respect for each other. Be an adult. Ask her to be an adult too.

This is what you and I would do, and some other posters would do.

Others - would kick her out or have some kind of eastenders style showdown with her.

There is a gulf between parenting styles in this thread.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 09/12/2020 10:49

This all sounds fine to me?

She uses your office that you don't use (out of necessity thanks to covid) and has a fancy coffee machine in the utility. Oh and she wants to move some of your stuff into your dedicated space. Perhaps she could have asked nicely first rather than just moving it and a compromise could have been had? Apart from that sounds ok....

JinglingHellsBells · 09/12/2020 11:05

@Woewoewoejoy

The point is @Woewoewoejoy that many kids go to uni and don't want to come home. As your own children are not yet old enough to leave home and then come back, are you really one to advise? maybe when you and your DH have had 3 or 4 years as a couple with no kids around, and your kids have lived in shared houses for years, then come home, you might see things rather differently. Or maybe you are not a family who is going to experience higher education so you can't actually imagine what it's like for other parents.

You also come over as jealous that the OP has a bigger than (presumably) you do. How rude to call her 'entitled' because she has her own space in the home.

blue25 · 09/12/2020 11:13

Sorry but she sounds really spoilt & entitled. I would never have treated my parents home like this. You need to set boundaries quickly.

Temporary1234 · 09/12/2020 11:17

OP do you give her jobs to do around the house? Is she relying on u for things like cooking and cleaning shared spaces with no contribution ?

Hellotheresweet · 09/12/2020 11:18

@blue25

Sorry but she sounds really spoilt & entitled. I would never have treated my parents home like this. You need to set boundaries quickly.

But if she is “spoilt and entitled” Then that will largely be down to many many years of poor parenting

Graciebobcat · 09/12/2020 11:23

It's her home, not her parents home. Sounds like she wants to live in it and treat it as her home, whereas her mum is a expecting to basically be a lodger and keep to her own room most of the time.

Graciebobcat · 09/12/2020 11:23

Not just her parents' home, I meant to say.

HildaTablet · 09/12/2020 12:03

she put your things in with your other things in what you've described as your neglected sewing room - yet another room you don't use, but begrudge her for having any impact on

If you go back and read the OP it's quite clear that the sewing-room isn't neglected. OP says she spent lockdown clearing it and turning it into a den for herself to use, but now her DD has started to spread out into it. Despite having her own large bedroom, exclusive bathroom, own study for work, presumably free use of kitchen, all bills paid including alcohol! ...oh and the 'dedicated coffee area'. All for less than £250 pm. In London.

I'm really depressed by the sneering at OP daring to want some space to call her own. It's her house . Yes, it's her daughter we're talking about but come on. That doesn't mean said DD, 26, and working full-time, gets to lay claim to every room by a process of stealth.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/12/2020 12:28

If she wants a place for her own fancy coffee machine, a study to herself, a bedroom and bathroom for herself, she can pay for those things.

Charge her market rent, tell her you will save it for her for a deposit on her own place. That way you can at least see a positive outcome from the situation.

However I'm willing to bet that if she has to pay you market rent etc, she will move out pretty sharpish.

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