Adult daughter colonising house

[Windingmeuptothemax]

I need some perspective on this as I have a very fractious relationship with this 26 yo DD. I love her very much and I'm proud of her but she and I are very similar and often rub each other up the wrong way.

She lived away from home for 4 years at uni. She had her own flats most of this time. She chose to study overseas so all her fees, rents and living costs were funded by DH and I. When she came home 4 years ago she moved back into our family home. The first year she was temping and working PT while she looked for a 'proper job" so she lived with us rent free. Once she got a FT job she continued to live with us because we are in London and rents are very high. We agreed she'd pay a nominal rent of £235 a month so she could save for a home of her own one day. For that she gets a double bedroom, sole use of a bathroom, all bills, can add food to the weekly food shop and free run of our wine rack and drinks cabinet.

When lockdown started she started to work from home in what was once my study. I no longer work so didn't need it. So she now has sole use of that room. My cupboards and papers are stored there out of sight and she's decorated it her way so it looks smart and formal for video meetings.

She wanted to buy a very posh coffee maker. I didn't want it kept in the kitchen as it would have been cluttered (and because there is already a perfectly good coffee machine there) so we cleared a counter/cupboard in the utility room, storing the stuff that was kept there elsewhere so she has a dedicated coffee area. It has expanded fr0m the coffee maker to a grinder and steamer too. She could open a branch of Costa.

This is all fine. We have plenty of space and money isn't a problem. But it seems the more space she gets, the more she wants. I've just gone into my previously neglected sewing room which I have spent lockdown cleaning and renovating into a cosy den for myself and discovered she has moved several things I keep in 'her' study into my sewing room because she felt they didn't go with her Christmas Zoom call aesthetic

AIBU to be so pissed off by this? I know it's hard for her as a grown woman to have to live in someone else's house but sometimes I feel like the lodger whose life is interfering with her Instagram perfection.

I think you just need to say - Oi, this is my den, you have your own.

I think you are overthinking it.

I have teens and I have some house rules, so every now and then I ask them to take their stuff upstairs when the coffee table etc is drowning.
That is fine, communal spaces need to be kept usable. I don't put my stuff in their room and they don't put their stuff in mine.

It is a balancing act. I've lived with my mum several times, twice with all my kids, keep talking. She is your daughter not a stranger.

By the way, mid twenties is a great time to open a bottle of wine together and talk about the past, talk about her brother, and how difficult her teens were because of it.
It is amazing how healing that sort of conversation is.

flaviaritt
So essentially your ‘point’ is if the OP has an issue with the way things are she should ask DD to leave. Why can’t the OP have an adult conversation with her adult DD about boundaries and respect. That would be slightly less immature and dramatic.

@Annasgirl

Well OP, I think you need to unpick your feelings here.

You can afford to subsidise your DD but she is a 26 year old adult with a university degree and a FT job - you are not doing her any favours by continuing to "infantilise" her. At this point in here life I think you need to help her to stand on her own two feet - I left home at 17 and I returned for 12 months when I got my first job but I treated the house as my parent's home, not my own luxury apartment.

Secondly, you are afraid she will punish you for enforcing your very rational boundaries by moving away and leaving you alone - this is a very extreme abandonment fear and it is causing you to allow your daughter to tread all over you and your DH - really OP, you need to get to grips with this fear and realise, she may well abandon you anyway but no child should hold their parent hostage like this.

You need to move on to a parent / adult child relationship - she is old enough to be a parent herself, but at the rate she is going, she will not be able to stand on her own two feet to do this.

Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely mum, and now you need to cut those apron string, to let her flourish as an independent young woman. And you and your DH also deserve a home to yourselves at this point in your lives, and space to enjoy a new relationship with each other.

This says it best

As I said before, this needs some detail from the OP about what she means when she says her DD is saving up.

• Where does she intend to live ?
• Is she thinking of renting or buying?
• Is the OP assuming her DD will be there until she finds a partner and / or marries?
• How much does she earn?
• What % of her income is the small amount she gives her parents?
• How much is she saving each month?

I'm surprised that someone of 26 wants to live at home especially if she has a social life.

The DD needs some goals, like saving £30K or whatever as a deposit, or 6 months' rent if she's going to share.

I think it's fine for adult kids to be back home IF there is an end goal and they are showing they are saving hard and have a plan- like move out in a year, 2 years, whatever.

But open ended arrangements when they are not paying more than £50-odd a week is not good. It will hardly cover her food, let alone laundry, etc.

Jenstar123

She can have an adult conversation. It wouldn’t go like, “You rent a room and a bathroom.” That’s antagonistic and seething with resentment. Which, again, isn’t nice.

@Annasgirl Your post is a work of fiction.

There is nothing to show the DD is infantilised- she's lived on her own at uni for years. she has already stood on her own two feet in another country as well! Lots of teens don't even make it through uni- they are homesick and leave.

As for her punishing her mother by resenting the boundaries and moving away- where on earth are you getting those ideas from?

There is nothing in the OP's posts to suggest that at all.

@user182639104

So is it her home or not?

If it's her home, then why are you treating her like an annoying lodger who has to walk on eggshells around you and ask permission for everything?

If it's not her home, is she registered homeless?

Hi Op's daughter :-)

Having another adult in the house who you feel should have moved on can be stressful - especially if they start to treat the place as if they own it by moving your things about.

And it does her no good to infantilise her. If she was sharing a house and started shifting housemates stuff for not suiting her zoom aesthetic, she be told where to get off pdq.

There is a reason why the nuclear famly is a thing: multi-generational households don't suit everyone.

By letting her live at home for pretty much nothing, you're stopping her growing up TBH.

As upthread, it's your home and your rules. If she's not fitting and eye rolling several times a day, you're not doing it right! It's time she moved out. You're spoiling her

£200 a month rent is doing her no favours. This ain't real life.

Charge her at least double and give half to charity.

@CrotchetyQuaver

By letting her live at home for pretty much nothing, you're stopping her growing up TBH. As upthread, it's your home and your rules. If she's not fitting and eye rolling several times a day, you're not doing it right! It's time she moved out. You're spoiling her

She is NOT stopping her growing up. She has lived away overseas for years and looked after herself.

She may not have managed her own money but that doesn't mean she is emotionally immature; it just means she hasn't had to budget and that's a skill she'd learn very fast if and when she has to.

@MrKlaw

she wanted a separate room for her wfh when I'd guess she could have set her laptop up in her bedroom. So thats already a nice bonus for her. To then move things out because it didn't meet her 'christmas zoom aesthetic' is clearly tripping over into CF territory.

You moved that stuff back, I'd use that opporutnity to draw a line. Sounded like you were fine with the study, and to a lesser extent the 'break room' in the utility. She pretty much has a granny annex at this point!

She could have set up in her bedroom, but if she doesn't have a desk or table in there that's a sure fire way to fuck her back up and cause her a lot of pain.

Just pondering how different the responses would be, and indeed, have been, were this 'DSD' rather than 'DD'

So she's got a bedroom, a bathroom a study and a utility room, and part share if a kitchen.

Op, I understand you don't want to upset her too much, but you really do need to start putting boundaries in place. She's got the makings of a big 1 bed flat in London for £235 - can I move in

Oh, OP, I would be really annoyed but I did laugh at her Christmas Zoom aesthetic. This is quite funny.

Coffee machines do NOT belong in the laundry area. Can you give her the study, and draw the line - coffee stays there?

I guess I would have quite a bit more patience with an adult child living at home if they were saving a shedload of money. Have you checked in on her progress recently?

Whatthebloodyell Tue 08-Dec-20 14:31:39
I find it a bit sad when adult children are still living at home past their early 20s. That time of your life should be fun and free! I had so much fun living with housemates in my twenties, I wouldn’t change it for anything.
....
It was the same for me but it's hard for young adults nowadays with the cost of property and renting in some areas. So many are still living in their parents' home for much longer than used to be the case. It's OK as long as they have sufficient space and aren't treated as a child.

I think the op will be able to work out boundaries with her daughter for the time she is still living with her.

And I'd be scared that if we gave her any sort of ultimatum or deadline she might leave and not bother with us again.

If you are actually scared of having a grown up conversation with your grown up daughter then something is very, very wrong.

I guess I’m in the minority.

She’s got a decent job, doing well for herself. Not floundering about like many people her age...

You’re annoyed because she’s moved a bit of your clutter in what is quite evidently a large house. You’ve mentioned a utility room, study, sewing room. These are all luxuries and illustrate you have more than enough space to house 1 daughter.

I lived at home at 26. 9/10 of my London friends lived at home at 26. None of us paid a bean in rent. I find it quite odd when you’re clearly affluent that you are charging her - she’d surely move out more quickly if that money was saved.

This year has made tense situations for a lot of families as everyone is at home a lot more than normally. But you just sound grumpy, set in your ways and rather miserable.

My mum and I fought A LOT. There could have been a murder at times. But she’d have me back in a heartbeat and she is my best friend.

I have a free home for life. That’s how I will be parenting as well. My children will always be welcome and unless my financial situation was dire the idea of charging them is simply peculiar when the money is clearly not needed by you.

It is so hard to get on the property ladder. Why would you do something that limits their ability to save & leave. Considering your attitude it seems rather counterproductive.

She's a CF, OP. Reclaim your space. Do you want her there? If not, tell her it;s time to move out.

There is room for a bit of quid pro quo and compromise I think.

My mum lives with us and I don't automatically plonk all her stuff in her bedroom. It might be my house but it's her home too. She keeps some things in the bathroom, living room, kitchen, hall as well. Have an open discussion about where you think some of the items should be kept.

I assume this is the home she grew up in? So this is, and has always been her home. She has lived away when she was in college, but has now come home

If money and space aren't the issue, then you need to work out what the issue is, because from my pov you are begrudging her space in her own home.

I say this as someone who moved out at 17 and never moved home BTW.

These posts are always 8 or 80. It’s either “kick her out immediately” or “let her stay forever and do absolutely anything she wants because she’s your daughter” but surely there’s a sensible middle ground.

My concern would be: is she going to get a massive shock when she leaves? Rent is high and even a £500k property with a 15/20% deposit will cost her a laughable amount more than £200 a month (plus energy and water bills, council tax, internet, food). How will she manage if she suddenly loses 30/40/50% (whatever) of her income to mortgage and bills alone?

I’d be talking to her about the end goal here. Has she researched areas she would like to live in? What kind of property is she looking at? How’s the commute if/when work resumes as normal? What are the prices like? What are the banks asking for in terms of deposit at the moment? Oh, 10% for FTB, that’s good. How much have you saved?

Then I would charge a nominal amount to cover a small share of the bills (heating, water, etc.) whilst she’s with you but stop the free reign on food and certainly wine and alcohol.

For what it’s worth, I land on the harsher side of this debate and don’t really think an educated 26 year old woman should be able to do whatever she wants just because it’s home but I know there’s lots of different opinions on that.

I think in a well-meant effort to make up for having to focus on her DB when she was younger, you are doing her a disservice by babying her now.

I agree with this. 26 and rolling her eyes at you! And spending money on expensive coffee machines when you're doing her the favour of charging her almost no rent so she can save for her own place.

You need a proper grown-up conversation about it. Not 'clear your stuff out of my room'; that just keeps the dynamic of parent and child going.

I’d be talking to her about the end goal here. Has she researched areas she would like to live in? What kind of property is she looking at? How’s the commute if/when work resumes as normal? What are the prices like? What are the banks asking for in terms of deposit at the moment? Oh, 10% for FTB, that’s good. How much have you saved?

DP and I didn't have this kind of support when we were buying our house (at a little older than 26, but we were still young adults). I'd be embarrassed if I were the daughter's age and a parent had to walk me through this stuff.

When I was in my early 20s some (very lucky friends!!) lived at home and were charged a normal amount of rent - just below the local market. Then at the end of the few years living at home (with some extra benefits such as home cooked meals etc) their parents gave them all the rent they'd paid to put towards a deposit.