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AIBU?

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Original poster

TRIGGER police told my attacker my address

157 replies

whatthefliphelp · 07/12/2020 20:02

Trigger warning

Sorry bit rambly but I had a date this weekend. About fourth or fifth id seen him. He raped me.

I freaked out. It's brought back previous trauma. When I left he rang the police to check on me. They came and then left as I was ok when I got home and felt safer.

But it turns out they told him my address. He rang me today and says he knows where I live. I've just had the police confirm that yes they told him. They were just stupid and said yes the police are at xxx address. So now he knows where I live.

I'm veering from angry to scared. I don't know what to do. I told the police woman who rang me and now she said you need to report this. I'm not in a great place. I can't handle this.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Rockdown2020 · 07/12/2020 23:00

@fuckedandbombed cross post. Really good point. My post should be corrected to *call handlers mistake.

bottleofvodka · 07/12/2020 23:12

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been mentioned already. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Outbutnotproud · 07/12/2020 23:17

Make an official complaint via 101 online or phone.

If they don't handle it as you see fit, and I can't see how they could, take it to the IPCC. I am sorry this happened. What do you think he may do with the information?

VestaTilley · 08/12/2020 00:17

Firstly, I’m so sorry this happened to you, OP. What happened to you is awful and is not your fault.

Are you ok? Do you have anywhere safe you can go?

If you feel comfortable you should proceed with pressing charges. Which force was it? I’d write to your area Police and Crime Commissioner, telling them and demanding the officer who shared your details gets disciplined. I’d take it to the independent police complaints commission (it has a new name but is on Google), make sure you tell them.

Make a big noise about this - do not back down. They’ve jeopardised your safety. I’m appalled.

Original poster
whatthefliphelp · 08/12/2020 00:44

Two policemen just turned up at my door after midnight to discuss what's happened. I didn't let them in. They spent half an hour talking to me trying to get me to tel them what happened. Saying what if he's done this to other women? What if we can stop him.

He said I needed to report him - do it for your kids.

I can't believe what's happening
They wouldn't leave me alone. I said I can't do this right now I'm being referred to the mental health crisis team. That didn't stop them.

Is this what happens what is going on

OP posts:
ASandwichNamedKevin · 08/12/2020 00:51

@whatthefliphelp I've just been reading your thread and was about to post whej I saw your very latest update about the officers who have just been to your house and am even angrier on your behalf than before.
That is despicable behaviour, pressurising a victim.
At this point, you have been through immense trauma, if you can speak to someone helpful trained to help someone in a crisis that might help you to prioritise what you need to do (to stay safe tonight, I'm not trying to tell you what to do).

After that someone needs to complain on your behalf if you are not strong enough about the totally inept police response.

I believe you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. There are people who can help you navigate this. Please go easy on yourself. 💐

Tavannach · 08/12/2020 00:59

Two policemen just turned up at my door after midnight to discuss what's happened. I didn't let them in. They spent half an hour talking to me trying to get me to tel them what happened. Saying what if he's done this to other women? What if we can stop him.

That suggests to me that your attacker is "known to the police". He certainly knows how the police work.

However, this isn't your immediate concern. Get some support and only later, if you feel able, consider reporting. As a pp suggested keep anything that might be useful as evidence - knickers, tights, photos of bruises.

Sorka · 08/12/2020 01:10

@cdtaylornats

How did the police know where to come to check on you?

As far as I can see from your comments. He tried to rape you, you ran off. He phoned police and they told him they attended your address.

Either you had phoned the police to report a rape, or he phoned the police and asked for a safety check, presumably he told the police your address to enable this.

@cdtaylornats your questions will be answered if you read the thread! Seriously it’s not that hard to read and think before you post on such a serious thread.

So sorry this happened to you OP. He’s probably just (just!) threatening you but you can’t be too careful, especially with what he’s already done. I hope you can find a safe place for the night, even if it means taking the kids. I know you’re feeling overwhelmed but I hope you can find the strength to insist the police take seriously the report you have made and their stupid error that has put you and your kids in danger seriously.

Definitely keep a record of all calls, record them if you can, and don’t delete any texts.

Sorka · 08/12/2020 01:13

@whatthefliphelp

Two policemen just turned up at my door after midnight to discuss what's happened. I didn't let them in. They spent half an hour talking to me trying to get me to tel them what happened. Saying what if he's done this to other women? What if we can stop him.

He said I needed to report him - do it for your kids.

I can't believe what's happening
They wouldn't leave me alone. I said I can't do this right now I'm being referred to the mental health crisis team. That didn't stop them.

Is this what happens what is going on

I’ve just seen your latest post. I echo PPs’ sensible comments.
IHateCoronavirus · 08/12/2020 01:22

Op I agree with the PP who suggests their insistence might suggest he is known to police already. Sounds like they are looking for evidence.

  1. they believe you, they now need to put something in place to protect you.
  2. they should never have brought your children into it. He made the decision to rape. If he rapes again that to will be his responsibility. It is not yours! You did not choose this.
    I hope the crisis team support you ASAP and you manage some rest. You haven’t mentioned real life support. Are the children in school? If so please take time for self care and be gentle on yourself Flowers
Original poster
whatthefliphelp · 08/12/2020 01:24

Thank you
Sorry I'm just so freaked out. Why would they think turning up after midnight was a good idea? I kept saying I didn't want to talk and it felt pretty painful that they didn't take no for an answer

I lost it when they brought my kids into it
I'm just shocked. I feel railroaded.

Sorry I'm just all over the place. Thank you for all the helpful comments. I just need to sleep and deal with it in the morning. I just can't believe what happened

OP posts:
Jeds55 · 08/12/2020 01:32

Try to get some rest. You do not have to make any decisions now. Thinking of you

Sciurus83 · 08/12/2020 01:42

Try and rest, if you can't call rape crisis, they will be your friend through the night. Just take each hour as it comes, you don't have to tell them everything and go into detail. Tell them you aren't ready to disclose, you feel under pressure and you're too tired and you just need someone to be there 0808 802 9999 Flowers

Luciferthecat666 · 08/12/2020 02:49

@whatthefliphelp

Thank you Sorry I'm just so freaked out. Why would they think turning up after midnight was a good idea? I kept saying I didn't want to talk and it felt pretty painful that they didn't take no for an answer

I lost it when they brought my kids into it
I'm just shocked. I feel railroaded.

Sorry I'm just all over the place. Thank you for all the helpful comments. I just need to sleep and deal with it in the morning. I just can't believe what happened

@whatthefliphelp Christ the police's behaviour just get's worse and worse! Don't let them or anyone pressure you into anything it's entirely your choice if you want to report him and press charges and your choice if you don't feel up to that. It sounds to me that they know they've majorly fucked up big time by giving that evil bastard your address and are trying to do damage limitation useless, incompetent twats! Hmm
MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes · 08/12/2020 07:07

Morning op hope you are ok and managed to get some sleep.

Fwiw it sounds like the police are starting from the point of believing you and wanting to protect you. They may have considered you were in immediate danger. Believe it or not that is a good start. Like many I’ve had it the other way.

I am sorry all this happened to you and you are feeling railroaded. In terms of lived experience it may seem as if there’s not much difference between police intimidating you and this manipulative shit intimidating you. One difference is that the police are bound by law and also they owe you big time now. I hope you manage to ring Rape Crisis, for preference, or women’s aid today and get some rl advice and emotional support.

Lovemusic33 · 08/12/2020 08:20

@whatthefliphelp

Thank you Sorry I'm just so freaked out. Why would they think turning up after midnight was a good idea? I kept saying I didn't want to talk and it felt pretty painful that they didn't take no for an answer

I lost it when they brought my kids into it
I'm just shocked. I feel railroaded.

Sorry I'm just all over the place. Thank you for all the helpful comments. I just need to sleep and deal with it in the morning. I just can't believe what happened

I had this when going through the same, police kept turning up to take statements in the middle of the night, they took a statement from my eldest daughter too. Eventually the police did arrest him and he was questioned on rape and charged with harassment (not charged for rape), this was probably the best outcome as an injunction was placed on him and he was unable to come within a certain distance of my house. So if he does keep contacting you, do tell the police even though they are likely to come out to you to take a statement at stupid o clock.
Original poster
whatthefliphelp · 08/12/2020 09:39

Thank you. I'm ok. Done the school run and everything's just sort of hit me.

I think they were worried about getting forensics. They kept asking where it happened as I guess they want to investigate there. They said they'd come back today and I'm dreading it.

I'm so sorry I haven't replied to any individual messages. Youve all been amazing. Thank you. I'm just exhausted and drained by it all. The crisis team should be calling today so I'm holding on to that x

OP posts:
dizzycatdance2 · 08/12/2020 10:05

You are doing amazing well. Try and rest.

Luciferthecat666 · 08/12/2020 16:28

@whatthefliphelp You're doing brilliant and you're clearly a strong person and judging by all the lovely and supportive replies you've gotten you have plenty of support Flowers

Gobbycop · 08/12/2020 16:34

Shocking.

The police can install an alarm at your address, you hit a button and they respond.

It's the least they can do after this fuck up.

Redred2429 · 08/12/2020 16:36

Hope you are ok op

Ravenesque · 08/12/2020 18:08

Thank you so much for updating us, @whatthefliphelp. I'm amazed at what you've managed to do today and scared as you are I hope that before long you can take pride in the way you're coping. I know you don't feel like you are, but you're definitely doing way better than I would be. Much love to you.

dublingirl66 · 08/12/2020 18:10

Keep posting we are here to help

You are so brave !!!

lockupyourcinammon · 08/12/2020 18:40

That’s shocking! Ask for a panic button, if only to make you feel a little bit safer

callistography · 08/12/2020 21:11

Hope you're as ok as you possibly can be honey. Well done for getting through the night/today. Sending you lots of love x

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