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Original poster

TRIGGER police told my attacker my address

157 replies

whatthefliphelp · 07/12/2020 20:02

Trigger warning

Sorry bit rambly but I had a date this weekend. About fourth or fifth id seen him. He raped me.

I freaked out. It's brought back previous trauma. When I left he rang the police to check on me. They came and then left as I was ok when I got home and felt safer.

But it turns out they told him my address. He rang me today and says he knows where I live. I've just had the police confirm that yes they told him. They were just stupid and said yes the police are at xxx address. So now he knows where I live.

I'm veering from angry to scared. I don't know what to do. I told the police woman who rang me and now she said you need to report this. I'm not in a great place. I can't handle this.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Dustlandcinderella · 07/12/2020 21:59

I think the OP explained that they called her to check on her, and at that point they asked for her address so that they could physically check on her.

OP is going through a shitty enough time without lots of you nitpicking

Annoymou5e · 07/12/2020 22:00

www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

Sarc / haven are rape and sexual assault referral centres, they are staffed by Drs, Nurses and crisis worker and some may also have a ‘Soit’ which is a specialist trained police officer who exclusively deals with sexual offence complainants. They are to complete forensic examinations, complete referels, STD checks and meds, morning after pill.
An ISVA is an independent sexual violence advocate/advisor who is a type of keyworker whose role is to support complainants of sexual violence and rape emotionally and also through the legal process.

Milkshake54 · 07/12/2020 22:00

@NoddyWithAVoddy

When I left he rang the police to check on me But it turns out they told him my address

He knew her address. You don't ring the police and ask 'can you do a check on Sally Smith? No, i don't know where she lives, somewhere in Anytown i think'
Otherwise the police would be knocking on every Sally Smiths door.

@callistography

He gave the police her phone number. The police called her. She gave the police her address.

It’s in one of the OP’s updates

WaveWalker · 07/12/2020 22:02

@tryingtoheal @NoddyWithAVoddy
Actually, a few years later, someone who knew I was suicidal and had my name and number but not my address had them come out for a welfare check. Different circumstances and I kind of got some help when I needed it. I'd had prior contact with the police about historic abuse etc, so I'm guessing that's how they turned up.

The gaslighting time I mentioned before , they rang me asking where I was before they turned up, I opened the door but wouldn't let them in, and ended up getting arrested under the mental health act when my PTSD kicked off at being surroundby policemen in my tiny hall.

WaveWalker · 07/12/2020 22:03

^Sorry, unnecessary nitpicking.

Op I hope you're safe and able to access support.

UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 22:04

Please get some support. You don't need to deal with this on your own. Speak to Rape crisis. Do you have anyone that can stay with you or you with them?

Wheresmykimchi · 07/12/2020 22:04

@NoddyWithAVoddy

When I left he rang the police to check on me But it turns out they told him my address

He knew her address. You don't ring the police and ask 'can you do a check on Sally Smith? No, i don't know where she lives, somewhere in Anytown i think'
Otherwise the police would be knocking on every Sally Smiths door.

@callistography

Good point!
Tavannach · 07/12/2020 22:05

Whether or not you decide to report the rape - and that is entirely your decision - you should report the threatening phone call.

Afaik the Duty Inspector is available 24/7 and that is who you should ask to speak to. Someone has seriously messed up here and junior officers might be inclined to cover a colleague's back.

You should also file a formal complaint with the IPCC. Start writing everything down. It helps to have a list of bullet points in front of you when you're upset, so that you don't forget anything.

Wheresmykimchi · 07/12/2020 22:05

Sorry just RTFT

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2020 22:05

@NoddyWithAVoddy

When I left he rang the police to check on me But it turns out they told him my address

He knew her address. You don't ring the police and ask 'can you do a check on Sally Smith? No, i don't know where she lives, somewhere in Anytown i think'
Otherwise the police would be knocking on every Sally Smiths door.

@callistography

OP very clearly explained the sequence of events.

She left his place
He called the police to say he was concerned about her and passed on her phone number
Police called her and asked for her address so they could perform a welfare check
Police then spoke to him to confirm said welfare check and mentioned her address during that call to him
He then let her know he now knows her address

Sorry people are nitpicking over details you've already explained OP. I really hope you're ok what a horrible time for you Thanks

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/12/2020 22:06

@Wheresmykimchi

Sorry just RTFT
The least you could do before commenting on sensitive threads such as this.
FiremanSpam · 07/12/2020 22:08

This is doubly traumatic for you, OP. I’m so sorry. The assault is going to take time to process and for you to decide about reporting or not. Right now you are in shock about both the rape and the police’s appalling mishandling of your personal information. Some practical advice: if you have anything which could provide forensic evidence at a later date be sure to keep it in a clean plastic bag. Underwear, tights, clothing. If you have any injuries you could photograph these also. And text messages or anything like that. Keep them safe for now.

You definitely need to ring rape crisis. They have long waiting lists for longterm counselling but can offer a one off sessions more quickly and access to 40 min sessions via their help line daily once you are in the system. It is a busy number so keep trying till you get through.

I know it is very hard to talk about, but you need support. If there is a friend you can speak with then please do not hesitate to call. If you were my friend I would want to you call and I’m sure yours will feel the same. If someone could come and be with you right now, that would be even better. You can maintain social distancing.

This man is clearly very manipulative and calculating. The police need to take responsibility for keeping you feeling safe. As others have said, there is a lot they can do and you must not hesitate to call them back if you feel worried. I would call them back and make it crystal clear that not only has this man has committed a violent assault and has attempted to then intimidate you. It’s not about complaints right now, it’s about getting through tonight/the next few days The rest can be decided later.

Concerning you past trauma, I’m so sorry this has happened and has been retriggered by this attack. You sound very self aware. I really do urge to to speak with a helpline and use every possible support the police or anyone else can offer. None of this is your fault. You may feel alone but you are not, I promise. Make sure you eat and look after yourself as best you can. And reach out and let other people help you too. Friends or strangers. You do not have to do this alone.

eeek88 · 07/12/2020 22:21

@Hoghedge10

OP. You sound utterly overwhelmed right now and I'm not sure this thread is going to help. Can I suggest you text Shout on 85258 They are trained crisis counsellors.
I agree, not sure how helpful some of the commenters here are.

OP I hope you can find some support from a trusted person tonight. Please ignore all the people saying 'just do x or y' - it really isn't that easy. And definitely ignore all the idiots questioning the chronology of your account (when you've already made it perfectly clear). I have dealt with the police enough times to no longer be surprised by staggering levels of incompetence and dishonesty. And I've dealt with rapists enough times to no longer be surprised by the lengths they go to cover their tracks and discredit their victims.

Sending you lots of love. This is horrible. But it won't be this horrible forever.

cdtaylornats · 07/12/2020 22:23

How did the police know where to come to check on you?

As far as I can see from your comments. He tried to rape you, you ran off. He phoned police and they told him they attended your address.

Either you had phoned the police to report a rape, or he phoned the police and asked for a safety check, presumably he told the police your address to enable this.

Arthersleep · 07/12/2020 22:27

Look after yourself. You don't have to report it if you don't feel strong enough. In an ideal world you would, but the reality is that often it can be a case of he said/she said without more concrete evidence and taking it further could be too stressful for you right now. If you feel that there is sufficient evidence (physical injuries/incriminating texts/messages, then do photograph them or keep them in case, further down the line you wish to report). Also ring Rape Crisis or somewhere for some support. Right now it seems to me like you really need someone to listen to you and help you deal with your past. Sending you strength.

Teana89 · 07/12/2020 22:27

@cdtaylornats read the thread!

Op,I hope you can have someone with you right now.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/12/2020 22:29

@cdtaylornats

How did the police know where to come to check on you?

As far as I can see from your comments. He tried to rape you, you ran off. He phoned police and they told him they attended your address.

Either you had phoned the police to report a rape, or he phoned the police and asked for a safety check, presumably he told the police your address to enable this.

OP already explained this. He gave the police her number, they rang OP and insisted in a in person welfare check so she gave them their address. When he rang them to "check" on her he was told "yes officers are attending at x address".

RTFT.

Tavannach · 07/12/2020 22:31

On a thread like this with highly sensitive matters being discussed it's really vital that people RTFT.

Don't keep asking the OP for clarification. She has been through a traumatising time. If you don't understand, select the OP's posts and read them again carefully. Don't make assimptions.

Tavannach · 07/12/2020 22:31

assumptions

independentfriend · 07/12/2020 22:33
  1. Voluntary sector for personal support re rape (think Rape Crisis or similar) if you'd rather speak to someone other than friends/family.
  2. Consider forensic medical examination via your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre, even if you're not sure re reporting or otherwise to the police.
  3. Lawyer who specialises in taking cases against the police eg. www.tuckerssolicitors.com/civil-liberties-human-rights-police-actions/ [not recommending them directly, as I don't know them, but a firm like that] - you may well not want to take action against the police, but you could do with some advice from someone who can advise on the safest way forward. [Moving house without being sure the same thing won't happen again isn't going to help]
  4. Consider applying for a non-molestation order if your relationship was long enough - www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation [again, you might want legal advice on this.]
  5. Maybe contact a locally recommended home security company to advise on security at your home / fit CCTV etc. I'd look at this before planning to move house.
Arthersleep · 07/12/2020 22:34

@cdtaylornats

Read the post properly before commenting. Don't you think that she's been through enough? He called the police and gave them her number. Police called and she gave them her address, which they then passed onto him.

bitheby · 07/12/2020 22:37

Please people at least read the OPs posts before commenting. She's been raped and I believe you OP.

MoonPomme · 07/12/2020 22:47

Im so sorry this has happened to you.
What a horrible manipulative bastard he is.
And the police. Just shocking they would give your address out like that.
Just make yourself feel safe tonight, ideally get someone to stay with you.
I believe you.
I cant believe some of the damn rude and insensitive people on this thread.
Really shameful behaviour.

fuckedandbombed · 07/12/2020 22:55

Can I just clarify that when you dial 101 or 999 you get through to a call centre . NOT THE POLICE . .
If the call handler has given out the address it needs addressing but police - actual police officers would not ever divulge that info. The call centre staff may have as they are just not trained in law or - it seems - anything.
Op I'm so sorry this has happened to you . Raise it as a complaint with the force . Call handlers really need to be better trained than they are .

Rockdown2020 · 07/12/2020 22:56

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Is there someone that you can call to stay at yours tonight? This situation is awful and none of it is your fault. If you have someone your trust, please get them over to make you feel safer, to help support you and to help pursue this with the police if that is what you want. At the very least the police should be putting in place safety measures for their huge mistake. Take care of yourself. You’ll be in my thoughts Flowers

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