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Original poster

TRIGGER police told my attacker my address

157 replies

whatthefliphelp · 07/12/2020 20:02

Trigger warning

Sorry bit rambly but I had a date this weekend. About fourth or fifth id seen him. He raped me.

I freaked out. It's brought back previous trauma. When I left he rang the police to check on me. They came and then left as I was ok when I got home and felt safer.

But it turns out they told him my address. He rang me today and says he knows where I live. I've just had the police confirm that yes they told him. They were just stupid and said yes the police are at xxx address. So now he knows where I live.

I'm veering from angry to scared. I don't know what to do. I told the police woman who rang me and now she said you need to report this. I'm not in a great place. I can't handle this.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Quaagars · 07/12/2020 20:48

@whatthefliphelp

The police rang me. They only had my number. I spoke to a nice sergeant. He could hear I was crying but I said I was ok now I was home. He said they had to send someone just to see me physically. So I gave him my address. They came round to see me. We spoke for a few minutes and they left.

He rang the police to check up on me. And they said to him - yes the police are attending at xxx.

Ah OK, that makes more sense - awful if they just gave your address out like that. I'd definitely be wanting to complain.
Quaagars · 07/12/2020 20:49

@MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes

I’m concerned about these intimidating phone calls from this man, especially with kids in the house. Make sure everything is locked inside and I really would get on to the police right now, not be on here. Tell them you are scared and for your kids safety as well, directly due to their mistake. You’ll have to tell them it was rape.
Also all of this.
MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes · 07/12/2020 20:52

Pps make good points about not telling someone to report rape though. I really hope you ring someone tonight op, soon.

Sciurus83 · 07/12/2020 20:52

I'm so sorry this has happened to you it's awful. Give Rape Crisis a call, they can provide you with confidential emotional support and will be able to give you better advice than here. 0808 802 9999 Flowers

Lovemusic33 · 07/12/2020 20:53

This doesn’t make much sense, he called the police to check on you, how did they know where to find you if he didn’t already know your address? At the time the police were obviously worried about your mental health as they were unaware about the rape at that point? So they were not to know they were giving your address to your abuser? They obviously thought he was a longterm boyfriend as you were so upset about ‘breaking up’ (which is what he told them)?

I don’t think you should be worried about the police messing up, you should be more worried about reporting the rape and recovering any dna evidence from the rape?

Do phone your local rape crisis, they are bloody amazing and will advise you what to do next to protect yourself and your children, you will be advised to report the rape but you will also be told that there’s a low chance of prosecution without evidence, so if you have any messages on your phone do keep them. If he continues to contact you then do call the police (every time he contacts you).

You sound like you are very fragile from past bad experiences and possibly not in the right frame of mind to be dating but that’s no excuse for what he did.

If you have reported the rape the police should be advising you on how to protect yourself and your kids, you may be advised to stay somewhere else but you don’t have too (I didn’t when told too, I didn’t want to upset my kids), police can fit an alarm to your house incase he turns up, it means the police come as soon you press it and saves trying to call 999.

GrolliffetheDragon · 07/12/2020 20:55

You don't have to call the police about the rape. In your place I'd call the local SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Centre) and talk to them first. They may be able to help with the historic stuff as well.

For me they were so much more helpful than the police.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/12/2020 20:57

She has reported the rape. The police are ignoring the report. The call mishandling has missed the rape disclosure.

No, the OP told an officer over the phone but it wasn't an official report. Unfortunately I don't think they can do anything unless the OP is willing to give a statement.

Europilgrim · 07/12/2020 20:58

Can you tell the police about the threats?

Skysblue · 07/12/2020 20:58

I’m so sorry OP. I think there’s 4 things to look at...

  1. Getting the police to follow up the rape. Did they get evidence / have they looked at his phone or interviewed him etc. Be clear to them that your impression is he has done this before and may reoffend - if they ask why you think that you can point to the ease with which he used the police to obtain your address. Speak to a rape support phone line about how to proceed.

2 - complaint to the police re releasing your personal information to an offender. Something went very wrong here and needs changing asap not least as this will happen again.

  1. Your address. I suspect that he got your address for the thrill of scaring you and will now move onto his next victim, but you may want to consider installing extra security (eg a ring doorbell, or cameras, or a bolt - depends where you live) and whether to ask someone to stay with you (or move to a airbnb) while you reflect on whether, longer term, you want to move house.
  1. Your health. Do you need morning after pill / std check / other medical care.

Again, so very sorry that this happened. I hope bad things happen to him.

Finfintytint · 07/12/2020 21:01

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

She has reported the rape. The police are ignoring the report. The call mishandling has missed the rape disclosure.

No, the OP told an officer over the phone but it wasn't an official report. Unfortunately I don't think they can do anything unless the OP is willing to give a statement.

Wrong. An official report is not required. There’s victim confirmation a crime has occurred. Victim doesn’t have to cooperate and no statement is required.
Demitri · 07/12/2020 21:03

Also confused as to how the police knew where to find you. He would have had to give your address to send the police to your house, for a welfare check. So he already knew where you lived

Demitri · 07/12/2020 21:04

@Demitri

Also confused as to how the police knew where to find you. He would have had to give your address to send the police to your house, for a welfare check. So he already knew where you lived
Berger mind saw theipdate
Demitri · 07/12/2020 21:05

@Demitri

Also confused as to how the police knew where to find you. He would have had to give your address to send the police to your house, for a welfare check. So he already knew where you lived
That’s never mind, saw the update!
Original poster
whatthefliphelp · 07/12/2020 21:06

Sorry I am reading. Thank you for all the advice and support. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/12/2020 21:07

No op.There is no "just stupid about this. How fuckin dare they bring the word " JUST!!!!!!!!!!! into this. This is potentially a very very very serious safe guarding issue. Even without any safe guarding concerns doesnt telling every Curly Larry and Mo your address breach confidentiality.
There's no "JUST"!!! about this. How dare they try to minimise such a huge failing. A raging stink needs to be kicked up here.

WaveWalker · 07/12/2020 21:10

He sounds like a gaslighting shitbag and what the police have doneis unforgivable. Echoing rape crisis for support, and womens aid uf you feel unsafe.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

callistography · 07/12/2020 21:10

@whatthefliphelp
Sweetheart, you need to get someone to be at your home with you to help you. You have had a horrible thing happen and I think you need someone you trust with you.

You also need to report the rape formally to the police (I know it's hard but you really need to do this)

You need to tell them that they have pot you in a very unsafe position and that they need to protect you and your children.

You need to get them to look after you. A rape crisis helpline may give you extra support.

He has played a very cunning, nasty game to cover his back but has made threats to you which you must report.

I hope that's helpful... try to work through things step by step but if you gave someone you trust with you then they can help you to get through it.

Unsure33 · 07/12/2020 21:10

@Ilovesugar

It’s not picking her story apart , it’s hard to gather the facts and offer advice if things don’t make sense .

Of course the op should complain about the police releasing her address , and she should tell them about the phone call . But depending on what she told them when asked why she was upset , her decision about reporting the rape may be complicated.

The guy seems very clever to try and preempt her reporting the rape and I would be worried he would do it again . Very calculating phoning the police.

Annoymou5e · 07/12/2020 21:11

This is actually incorrect.

SunnyNights · 07/12/2020 21:11

You don't need to do anything right now other than lock up your home. No decisions need to be made on reports, complaints or anything else. You have experienced a trauma so give yourself time to decompress that first.

Is there a friend or family member you could speak to? Only someone that you think will provide helpful advice though.

Finfintytint · 07/12/2020 21:11

Sorry OP, trying to put straight a few crime reporting and recording procedural stuff. Didn’t mean to derail the thread about your very valid concerns.
What this person did was very wrong. The police have not dealt with the incident well either. Wishing you well.

Annoymou5e · 07/12/2020 21:12

@Annoymou5e

This is actually incorrect.
This was in reply to the poster who said ‘ Wrong. An official report is not required. There’s victim confirmation a crime has occurred. Victim doesn’t have to cooperate and no statement is required.‘
Milkshake54 · 07/12/2020 21:13

You do not have to report the rape to anyone.

However, regardless of whether he assaulted you or not - the police should not have said your address on the phone, it’s a GDPR issue, regardless of the fact it has put you in a very unsafe position.
I think you should report the breach of data - alongside being fearful of this man, because the police should then be supporting you to make sure your house is as safe as possible!
A poster above suggested some good solutions for safety proofing your house - but this should not be at your expense!!

WaveWalker · 07/12/2020 21:14

I have had not the same but a similar experience with an ex partner, police "safe and well" checks and misinformation following an assault by them. It's a specific behaviour pattern to destabilize and discredit you.

Russellbrandshair · 07/12/2020 21:15

Right. Firstly you need to make a formal complaint with the police for breaching your confidentiality- you can quote GDPR rules as they have broken them. You must put this in writing and give them a deadline of 14 days to reply. Then if they don’t report to Information commissioners office ICO. They will take this seriously.

Secondly, you should seek counselling for the ability to talk about how this has impacted you emotionally.
I am so sorry you went through this and I hope you manage to heal 🌹

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