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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
Bridget212 · 07/12/2020 12:00

She sounds like Pam from Gavin and Stacey

UsernameChat · 07/12/2020 12:01

Sorry to be blunt about it, but your MIL sounds like a real bitch! And I'd be expecting my other half to stop being such a mummy's boy (calling every single day seems a bit much for a grown man with a family of his own) and to stand up for me.

You said 'bye' to them, they claim you didn't. I've been in this situation with now ex. Perhaps next time, be really obvious. It doesn't have to be long and drawn out. Just look them in the eye, say e.g. 'thank you for lunch, have a good week, bye', turn and get on with strapping baby in or walking out or whatever it is you need to do.

Good luck!

BTW, I also agree, scale back ont he weekly visits!!!

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 12:02

DP does ask me if it’s okay if we go round to their house but I feel like I need to say yes.
Would he make you feel you were in the wrong otherwise?

Whyistheteacold · 07/12/2020 12:02

@BIWI clearly no one is saying that having a baby means you can be as rude as you want, don't be so pedantic. The op was dealing with an upset baby while trying to leave quickly, forgot in the moment to say goodbye and apologised afterwards. I am assuming that either you don't have children, or you had them so long ago that you don't remember the utter upheaval and complete sleep deprivation that you experience. You're barely human for the first couple of months, especially when it's your first born. The PP is saying that the op can be excused for a moment of rudeness which she apologised for, not that she can do whatever she wants.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/12/2020 12:03

Well she's saying you're rude. Not that she hates you.
I think you go an insane amount. I get along with my PILs but wouldn't want to spend the whole day every week with them.

But theres no excuse for not saying thankyou for dinner and gifts or not saying goodbye. That is rude.

steppemum · 07/12/2020 12:04

@flaviaritt

Well, based on that last update, I’m out. I haven’t spent the last ten months avoiding my family to offer free advice to people who’ve been breaking the law in lockdown and spreading el virus. 😂
yep.

I am actually biting my tongue here. I dropped off my parents shopping and stood at the end of the drive to shout hello to them.
We're having Christmas without my brothers and their families etc.
For all the people who have tried hard to stick to the rules, stories liek this just make me angry to be honest.

And your 'd'h and his family breaking the law didn't mean you had to. You have your own brain

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 12:05

@Nottherealslimshady I do always say thank you. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I sent her a long message thanking her for my gift and letting her know what I’d been up to with DS

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 07/12/2020 12:05

Also, obviously its bang out of order you've all been ignoring lockdown. You're a grown woman, you're just as responsible for that as them.

wildraisins · 07/12/2020 12:07

Just stop going. If you don't want other people to make you miserable then you need to be a bit more assertive. If you don't want to spend all
Sunday watching football, then just don't.

You can assert yourself without being impolite. Just say "sorry, but football isn't really my thing, so I'm gonna go home and do my own thing and I'll catch up with you later".

It's OK to say No and if you don't then your in-laws will continue to walk over you! I would go crazy if I was expected to see my in-laws every week, we just don't have that much in common and as the younger generation you're expected to go along with what the parents want. Just assert yourself and don't do it.

diddl · 07/12/2020 12:07

@Bridget212

She sounds like Pam from Gavin and Stacey
Oh my Christ-the drama!
Gazelda · 07/12/2020 12:08

@CorianderBlues

Incidentally, I remember visiting my best friend when DD was a few months old. She saw me walking up the garden path towards to front door and through the open window I heard her say to her DH "oh look, babyGazelda is here!" I gave her a friendly telling off for ignoring my presence. It's a natural thing to do, to be excited about seeing a baby, but I made sure she knew that I still wanted to be acknowledged too.

You are joking right?! Your taking your newborn baby to your best friend, and you're getting jealous that she's acknowledged your baby first?! Are you 12 years old?

Your poor friend, and poor child.

(And no, you're not "joking". You "made sure she knew" you wanted attention.)

FFS.

My post obviously wasn't worded very well if it irked you so much! It was a very lighthearted and amusing convo with my BF. I've never been jealous of my DC. It wasn't a 'big deal' convo. Just a little anecdote to reassure OP that it's not uncommon for people to ignore the mother's arrival and focus on the far more exciting little baby. And not to take it personally.

So, I hope you see that I'm not a diva who begrudges any attention my DD receives.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 07/12/2020 12:10

I am so puzzled by this. DH and I both call our mums nearly every day. Granted, they live on the other side of the world, but we like our families and like talking to them. I understand not everyone would like that level of contact, but it appears your DP does. Growing up we'd also go visit grandparents once a week or once a fortnight when it was possible. Why is that considered co-dependent, or abnormal?

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 12:10

Why do you think she reckons you aren't polite, then? Are you a lot more understated than them? Or have they just decided you're rude?

jessstan1 · 07/12/2020 12:13

She's not saying she hates you at all. She is being straightforward which was needed in this situation and she did accept your apology. Perhaps you could be a bit more straightforward too, it would clear the air.

Why on earth do you go every week? Once a fortnight or once a month would be quite enough. It's easier if grandparents live nearby, you can pop in for half an hour and it doesn't have to be an event but that is obviously not the case with these.

Move on, cut down the visits.

LH1987 · 07/12/2020 12:14

My god, she sounds a condescending cow! Don’t bother going as much, life is too short to go somewhere you aren’t comfortable. Have Christmas just the three of you.

She felt the need to air her grievances when classy thing to do would have been to simply accept the apology. She must now deal with the consequences of her actions and have a more strained relationship with you. Don’t worry about it, it’s not worth it.

TotorosFurryBehind · 07/12/2020 12:15

That's not the kind of text I would send to a new mother, sleep deprived with a new baby...but then I'm a nice person, is your MIL?

Think about why you visit every week, that is a lot.. Even if you want to see them that often, why can't they come to you?

I think the only thing you need to reflect on OP, is whether carrying on such a close relationship with this person is in your best interests. Personally I would visit less often.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 12:15

@ravenmum yes I’m just a lot more quiet than what they’re probably used to. I feel my relationship with them just hasn’t grown at all. Sometimes I feel as if it’s the first time meeting them when I’m there as it’s a bit awkward

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 12:16

Why is that considered co-dependent, or abnormal?

Its not, if it works for you and your family. If it's causing friction then its simply not worth it. The baby can visit it's grandparents with his dad, if the op doesn't want to go - no drama. The op doesn't need to go every week though, and there's no drama in that either. I mean, presumably if all goes well in the next few weeks, the op can start visiting her own family again and they'll have to start balancing their time between the two sides of the family anyway.

ChikiTIKI · 07/12/2020 12:16

They don't sound welcoming.

Don't put your 9 months baby in a forward facing car seat. Wait until at least 3 years, preferably 6. Send MIL one of those crash test videos from YouTube.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 12:17

I think I’m going to suggest to DP that we maybe see them Saturday so we can clear the air a bit in person. Then we can go for a walk with my Mum on the Sunday

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 07/12/2020 12:17

Do they ever ask you about your life etc? Do you ask about theirs?

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 12:18

Is your quietness affecting other areas of your life, too? Sounds as if it is, if your voice is not being heard in your relationship?
Perhaps some counselling might be worthwhile?

Yohoheaveho · 07/12/2020 12:18

She's not saying she hates you at all
I agree I don't think she hates you, more that she looks down on you, regards you as an underling....that's why she speaks to you as if you are a child.

CassandrasCastle · 07/12/2020 12:19
Confused
BIWI · 07/12/2020 12:20

[quote Whyistheteacold]@BIWI clearly no one is saying that having a baby means you can be as rude as you want, don't be so pedantic. The op was dealing with an upset baby while trying to leave quickly, forgot in the moment to say goodbye and apologised afterwards. I am assuming that either you don't have children, or you had them so long ago that you don't remember the utter upheaval and complete sleep deprivation that you experience. You're barely human for the first couple of months, especially when it's your first born. The PP is saying that the op can be excused for a moment of rudeness which she apologised for, not that she can do whatever she wants. [/quote]
Yes I have children and yes I remember what it was like.

But it still doesn't excuse the OP (or anyone) for being rude. Please/thank you/hello/goodbye are just basic good manners. And even if the baby was a distraction, it should have been followed up with a 'sorry, bit distracted there - thanks for a lovely meal', or something equally apologetic and police.

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