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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
BIWI · 07/12/2020 12:20

police?! polite, of course!

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 12:21

@whitenoise123

I think I’m going to suggest to DP that we maybe see them Saturday so we can clear the air a bit in person. Then we can go for a walk with my Mum on the Sunday
If you cannot even bring yourself to text her back your own issues with her to 'clear the air', then what will going around on Saturday with your mummy's boy partner going to achieve? What exactly are you going to say on Saturday?
Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 12:22

@ChikiTIKI they don’t really ask about me. When we first met I think they briefly asked about what I studied at uni etc but ever since nothing. She’s a nurse so I sometimes ask about her job but it’s like she doesn’t really want me to

OP posts:
Neron · 07/12/2020 12:23

So, here we have an OP, who admits she is rude, has no manners, doesn't bother to speak to the inlaws when she is in their house, or say goodbye - yet good old mumsnet still blames the MIL.
This has nothing to do with having a young baby, OP has mostly likely been like this with them from the start. I know I wouldn't tolerate this rudeness from the OP and I sincerely doubt the rest of mumsnet would be happy with it either.
Anything to bash MIL though hey Hmm

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 12:23

They must be rear-facing until your child is over 15 months old. Your child can use a forward-facing child car seat when they’re over 15 months old. www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules
Your quietness is resulting in you breaking the law - on this and on the social distancing issue. If you were my dd, I'd be encouraging you to get professional help.

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 12:25

@Neron

So, here we have an OP, who admits she is rude, has no manners, doesn't bother to speak to the inlaws when she is in their house, or say goodbye - yet good old mumsnet still blames the MIL. This has nothing to do with having a young baby, OP has mostly likely been like this with them from the start. I know I wouldn't tolerate this rudeness from the OP and I sincerely doubt the rest of mumsnet would be happy with it either. Anything to bash MIL though hey Hmm
You've missed a few posts there Neron. OP has been polite to them.
ethelredonagoodday · 07/12/2020 12:25

That is a lot of time to be spending with people you don't get on with!!!

diddl · 07/12/2020 12:26

@whitenoise123

I think I’m going to suggest to DP that we maybe see them Saturday so we can clear the air a bit in person. Then we can go for a walk with my Mum on the Sunday
Why?

You've both had your say.

How about they come to you Saturday for a couple of hrs for a change?

Make sure whoever goes to whom it's a shorter visit!

LH1987 · 07/12/2020 12:27

You seem to be reacting to all of this very maturely. I am ashamed to admit I would probably refuse to see her for a while and keep the baby with me. Note to self - must grow up!

burnoutbabe · 07/12/2020 12:27

she doesn't sound rude at all, just not enjoying being forced to visit every weekend and be bored for a whole day.

I mean i'd not send a text after that saying THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY MEAL - that would be for her son to thank her surely, they are a team not separate guests. I would have been happy with a pizza at home. (and i would have said thanks when dinner was at the table)

it sounds like one missed goodbye when putting baby into car?

giantangryrooster · 07/12/2020 12:28

Beware, people saying 'we do so much to make you feel welcome' usually mean on our terms and you are not like us, so you are difficult.

Same with people conveying 'we should be able to be frank with each other', it usually is a one way thing and they get very offended if you respond the same way.

Have a discussion with your dh, he needs to realize that even though you are not an outspoken person you still have a right to an opinion. I bet he is so used to you not being assertive that he won't like it, if you have an opinion of your own.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 12:29

This is what I sent MIL to warrant such a reply from her. I think it’s clear who the rude party

Hi .........,I’m just messaging to apologise for how I was today. I just struggle a bit sometimes since ....... has been born and don’t always realise how I have come across. It was never my intention to offend you or ....... or to come across as being rude.

I was rushing slightly when we were going home tonight as I wanted ...... to settle as soon as possible so I hadn’t realised I had been a bit abrupt until ......pointed it out on the way home.

I really didn’t mean to be rude. Sorry again :)

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 12:29

@Neron

So, here we have an OP, who admits she is rude, has no manners, doesn't bother to speak to the inlaws when she is in their house, or say goodbye - yet good old mumsnet still blames the MIL. This has nothing to do with having a young baby, OP has mostly likely been like this with them from the start. I know I wouldn't tolerate this rudeness from the OP and I sincerely doubt the rest of mumsnet would be happy with it either. Anything to bash MIL though hey Hmm
@Neron

I mean a round of applause for spectacularly missing some key points of this thread! The inlaws don't engage with the op either, and expect them to break lockdown to visit. I mean that's pretty fucking high up on the Rude Scale by itself. The OP is also very apparently a massive wet lettuce who happily plays the doe-eyed, woe is me, Princess Di role here, so quite honestly everyone involved comes over as quite irritating in their own way...

Hotchocolatewithcream · 07/12/2020 12:30

I dont like to say it, but your story sounds similar to my in laws and lets just say that years down the line it hasn’t ended well...

They also thought I was rude, unhelpful etc.
Oddly enough no one else has ever said similar about me...

Over time it became clear that it really didn’t matter what I did or said, they just didn’t like me and never would and that was that.
I suspect it’s going to the same for you.

I was very uncomfortable asserting myself aswell as I’m quite shy.
We no longer talk now.
In the past after periods of them refusing to have anything to do with me then wanting to make up I’ve relented and tried to make it work to make DH happy but there may be fireworks this time round if he wants me to forgive and forget again as I’m older now and had enough of them.
I fully intend to not have anything else to do with them ever again.

Hardbackwriter · 07/12/2020 12:30

@ravenmum

They must be rear-facing until your child is over 15 months old. Your child can use a forward-facing child car seat when they’re over 15 months old. www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules Your quietness is resulting in you breaking the law - on this and on the social distancing issue. If you were my dd, I'd be encouraging you to get professional help.
That's actually only for an i-size seat. I wouldn't put a 9 month old in a forward facing seat either, but it's legal to use one from 9kg unless it's an i-size.
B1rthis · 07/12/2020 12:31

Your baby has been earth side for 12 weeks. Your main priority is to nurse, change, love, enjoy and bond with your child. In that time you have also had to juggle health visitors/strangers coming into your home and taking a newborn to the various health appointments that you have consented for her to attend.
I would respond by stating "my priority is the happiness and welfare of my child. My child and I will no longer be visiting you at your home for the foreseeable future."
I would also contact the health visitor to get a bit of support.

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 12:31

@whitenoise123

This is what I sent MIL to warrant such a reply from her. I think it’s clear who the rude party

Hi .........,I’m just messaging to apologise for how I was today. I just struggle a bit sometimes since ....... has been born and don’t always realise how I have come across. It was never my intention to offend you or ....... or to come across as being rude.

I was rushing slightly when we were going home tonight as I wanted ...... to settle as soon as possible so I hadn’t realised I had been a bit abrupt until ......pointed it out on the way home.

I really didn’t mean to be rude. Sorry again :)

Fucking hell.... did you ask her to do some stretching before your next visit as well? She'll have to bend over pretty well for you to fully kiss her arse when you see her.
lockdownalli · 07/12/2020 12:33

I wouldn't bother replying. I would just distance myself. DH can see his parents every Sunday if he wants, but you need to stop going as regularly. Either DH goes with the baby, or you plan to see someone else with the baby and DH can go on his own. You have to stop the expectation that Sunday is their day to spend with you.

To be honest I would move Far Far Away as I cannot see this situation improving. Flowers

Bucolicky · 07/12/2020 12:34

I really feel for you OP. Despite what some people have said, being young makes a difference in how you're able to tackle things, and if you feel too young/child-like to be assertive with your DP's mum, then that's understandable.
I was a young mum too, and felt that I had to defer to older family members for fear of being rude - and ironically probably came across as rude and surly because I was feeling undermined and overwhelmed and resentful, without feeling able to say anything.
I agree with others that one day every week is too much to have to spend in someone else's home. I also think your DP's mum has a bit of responsibility here - as someone older and hopefully wiser, you'd hope that she might see that you might need a bit of space to form your own new family traditions, and have some downtime with your new family of three. If your partner is 30, then really he is old enough to put his foot down with his mum - it shouldn't just be your job to do that.
Perhaps Covid restrictions are the perfect opportunity to create that space, without having to overtly say that you don't want to go every week? But I reckon it's not rude to say that you're feeling a little overwhelmed, and need weekends at home with your partner and son for the time being. Best of luck to you.

giantangryrooster · 07/12/2020 12:34

Your response is very submissive. I think you need to stand up for yourself a little. (I know your dh and pils won't like it, probably why he chose you). Set some boundaries Smile.

JohannaSpyri · 07/12/2020 12:35

I wouldnt reply to the message op. (I've read all your posts and sorry if I've missed that you already have)
You apologised and she gave you a big bollocking in reply. How rude and unkind of her and not the way to improve your relationship as you were trying to do. I'd be seeing her less frequently from now on unless she apologises

LH1987 · 07/12/2020 12:35

Don’t forget you MIL could be on Mumsnet or one of her friends and will be able to read all of this. Not that you have said anything bad, just worth bearing in mind.

thelumberjack · 07/12/2020 12:36

For starters, why are you, your DP and your in laws breaking the law by visiting every single weekend? Do your in laws see themselves as much more important than everyone else who is doing their best to distance themselves from older relatives and others? Your MIL should be particularly ashamed of herself as a nurse.

Your MIL sounds rude, overbearing and used to getting her own way. Your DP sounds used to enabling her overbearing ways. He isn't standing up for you appropriately and you are not standing up for yourself. I appreciate that this must be hard when you are relatively young and feel unwelcome and looked down on.

Speak to your DP and tell him that you will not be taking part in these visits, remind him that it is illegal at present. Tell him that his mum makes you feel unwelcome particularly since DS was born. Get some support from your own mum and set some ground rules.

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 12:37

My PILs were quite overbearing. I remember once they bought us a large, ugly cupboard as a suprise gift. That night I put the kids to bed quite late, read them a story etc. - then the moment they were dropping off, there was an almighty hammering from the hall, in front of their bedroom door. I went out to find FIL putting the cupboard together, at 9 pm. When I said that we'd do it the next day, as the kids were just about to sleep, MIL started crying and said I was ungrateful. Looking back I was actually almost as meek as OP!

Funnily enough, years later, when I discovered exh's affair, I was so enraged that I snapped rudely at FIL about some other irritating thing, and ever since then we've got on much better!

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 07/12/2020 12:38

It's extraordinary how many people on here think the notion of being rude can be distilled into the articulation of a few words. So - even though everything about her, from the incredibly ungracious response to your text to the car seat, from the visiting during lockdown to the insistence you go to theirs and watch Sky Sports (shit before; unwatchable now they've sacked Le Tiss) is fine, but you're automatically rude because you may or may not have said goodbye to them when you left. So weird.
OP - saying 'please' and 'thank you' really should be as natural as breathing, so if you aren't saying them (and I'm still not clear on that, from your responses) you should be. But they are being much, much ruder and you need to nip it in the bud. Don't bloody go round there all the time. Don't cast yourself in the role of 'young mum with a new little family'. Assert yourself, ffs.