MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

@ravenmum no he is really supportive and always tells me what a good job I’m doing. But when I try to talk to him he just shuts off and then makes me feel like I’m in the wrong

[quote whitenoise123]@Ragwort yes when DS was newborn DP would take him round sometimes to give me a break. But now it’s just expected that I go too. I just don’t know what’s going to happen regarding Christmas as I think they expected us to go there but now I don’t feel very welcome[/quote]
She wants you to go there and she wants you to sit there suffering and feeling unwelcome, this is her way of establishing her dominance over you
She wants to make sure you understand that you are subordinate to her, that she is the adult and you are a mere child who has to kow tow to her
she is the empress you are a mere subject and you must obey her.
Is that what you want?

Some questions .... have you only been going to see in-laws since the baby was born? Has the need if you were doing the weekly visits before he arrived? Does FIL are you fell welcome and involve you? Or is he like MiL? Do you say please, thank you, make an effort to join in? Your posts don’t really say, and as a result I think there’s a lot of assumption flying around that you are rude etc.

Speaking of assumptions, have you ever actually talked to your DH about plans for Sunday? Does he ever ask if you would like to go to MiL?
What would YOU like to do? He isn’t in charge of you, you know ....

In some ways you can take it less personallly.... my MIL, who has not been my no1 fan, has very high standards for politeness, sometimes OTT, and has picked me up for things. Sometimes she's wrong, sometimes I have to admit she has a point.

I totally know what it's like to not feel comfortable with ILs and that one can accidentally come over as being rude because it's hard to engage and because you don't feel welcome.

I think the thing with someone like that is to try to distinguish between where one might have done better, and when the other person is being overly demanding.

No, it'll probably never be easy, but if you conviced yourself she 'hates' you that won't help either. I'd take this as an opportunity to say perhaps you are sorry; you haven't felt at ease with them and this has inadvertantly come over as rudeness, you will try to do better. But maybe also reduce visits as well - no point making yourself uncomfortable.

[quote whitenoise123]@ravenmum no he is really supportive and always tells me what a good job I’m doing. But when I try to talk to him he just shuts off and then makes me feel like I’m in the wrong[/quote]
I don't understand this. He's really supportive and positive, but he's really unsupportive and negative?

we were breaking lockdown rules by going to see them as DP obviously couldn’t just not see them.

Why not? Please can you tell us what is so special about him/them that he can just ignore the rules?

It isn't "obvious" to me.

She wants you to go there and she wants you to sit there suffering and feeling unwelcome, this is her way of establishing her dominance over you
She wants to make sure you understand that you are subordinate to her, that she is the adult and you are a mere child who has to kow tow to her
she is the empress you are a mere subject and you must obey her.
Is that what you want?

You have invented this in your head and you sound a bit deranged.

You might be more upset if your MIL etc. told DH just to visit; with DC but not you! That's what happened to me when I had first child. Stayed at home alone from about 9a.m. - 5 p.m one day every week. I don't think they were really trying to be nasty, they thought I had
nothing in common with them - I was just not included!

That message from your Mil was rude, telling you off like you are her child.
Especially considering she ignores you.
Stick up for yourself!
Your partner needs to grow a back bone too, how dare he let his mother treat you this way.

I don't speak to my PIL because they are dickheads like this, neither does my DH.
I can say I wouldn't be with him if I had to go to his mum's every week and she ignored me and made me feel unwelcome.
What on earth is your partner playing at?
Don't stand for it.

[quote whitenoise123]@ravenmum no he is really supportive and always tells me what a good job I’m doing. But when I try to talk to him he just shuts off and then makes me feel like I’m in the wrong[/quote]
So are you 'allowed' to disagree with him, have a discussion, clear the air, communicate openly? Or is he only supportive if you keep your head down?

It really sounds like neither your MIL, your BIL nor your partner have much respect for you. Honestly it doesn’t sound like you have much respect for yourself either. If you don’t start standing up for yourself, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. Perhaps counselling would help. And stop letting your DP and his family walk all over you.

[quote whitenoise123]@Ragwort yes when DS was newborn DP would take him round sometimes to give me a break. But now it’s just expected that I go too. I just don’t know what’s going to happen regarding Christmas as I think they expected us to go there but now I don’t feel very welcome[/quote]
I absolutely knew you'd be expected to go there!

If it were me, I'd message back to say you're glad the air has been cleared. You've been finding it tricky to settle into their routines, especially as you are a new mum and have missed seeing your own family for so long. Let her know she has to be accommodating of you too. Give her the opportunity to sympathise and support you, without taking over.

Maybe suggest the two of you go out to the park with baby next time you go over, while the others watch their football.

Gradually stop the habit of going every Sunday.

reinstate the invites to yours. Be firm with DH.

Sometimes say you've got stuff to do in the morning, but would love to go for tea.

Once you can visit your own family more, she'll have to realise you have lots of priorities to juggle, including staying at home with baby and DH to bond and create your own routines.

Incidentally, I remember visiting my best friend when DD was a few months old. She saw me walking up the garden path towards to front door and through the open window I heard her say to her DH "oh look, babyGazelda is here!" I gave her a friendly telling off for ignoring my presence. It's a natural thing to do, to be excited about seeing a baby, but I made sure she knew that I still wanted to be acknowledged too.

The chance to break this claustrophobic habit was during lockdown when you shouldn't have been meeting up indoors with another household anyway. Why do your DH and PIL think the rules don't apply to them?

@timetest

WhySoSensitive , yes, tell him immediately. I’m a mil and would consider this too much both for them and me. I do love them though.

Please be my MIL, apparently twice a week is too little but she’ll ‘settle’ for once a week if it’s all ‘we allow’ 😭 lord help me.

@Giraffey1 we used to visit a lot when I was pregnant and even before that. I just thought it was nice he had a good relationship with them even though I can’t imagine wanting to see my parents that much.
FIL is generally more welcoming than MIL. I really appreciate it when he does make the effort with me.
I always say please and thank you but I admit that I find it hard to join in when the conversations are just about football.
To be fair, DP does ask me if it’s okay if we go round to their house but I feel like I need to say yes.
I was going to suggest that he just went round with DS yesterday while i wrapped Christmas presents. Kind of wish I had now

[quote whitenoise123]@ravenmum no he is really supportive and always tells me what a good job I’m doing. But when I try to talk to him he just shuts off and then makes me feel like I’m in the wrong[/quote]
So he isn't supportive!

Tbh I'd be happy for him to piss off alone & have some lovely time without him/them.

If you do go to visit, just get into the habit of texting her on your way home to say ‘thank you for a lovely meal’
I have a relative who is big on being thanked for all their hard work and effort and that’s what I do. I always get a lovely response so it seems to work.

Incidentally, I remember visiting my best friend when DD was a few months old. She saw me walking up the garden path towards to front door and through the open window I heard her say to her DH "oh look, babyGazelda is here!" I gave her a friendly telling off for ignoring my presence. It's a natural thing to do, to be excited about seeing a baby, but I made sure she knew that I still wanted to be acknowledged too.

You are joking right?! Your taking your newborn baby to your best friend, and you're getting jealous that she's acknowledged your baby first?! Are you 12 years old?

Your poor friend, and poor child.

(And no, you're not "joking". You "made sure she knew" you wanted attention.)

FFS.

How about OH taking DS by himself as you "need to catch up on jobs"? Spend the time catching up on sleep as it's more important!

Personally, I get ok with my MIL, but I actively "manage" her in terms of making sure I don't always turn up (and being breezy about it), don't always go to family events (sorry, working/had jobs to catch up on, whatever). I'm always nice, I don't feel the need to state I just want my own space sometimes but I definitely make sure I don't fall into just doing stuff with her and I deliberately make sure things are at a level that I am comfortable with.

In your case I may reply "I'm sorry, I had no idea I have been offending you. I'll try to keep that in mind". (No apology). And distance myself a lot more!

How can he be kind and supportive if he shuts you down?

That doesn't make sense.

He is kind and supportive as long as I do exactly what he wants when he wants.....that is the reality of your situation.

First of all I noticed your comments about forward facing seats. They are not only unsafe for a 9 month old but illegal. Do not allow them too bully you into putting your babies life at risk. No appropriate car seat means my kids don’t go in the car. I don’t negotiate on my children’s safety and as a result nobody asks too put them in there cars. This suits me fine.

Secondly if DP wants too spend all Sunday with his family tell him too crack on and you either stay home and rest while he takes DS or he DS stays with you at home. If you continue too allow this situation your child’s routines and life will be largely set by your in laws. Are they going too insist he comes on a Sunday too visit rather than go too parties or play with friends as he gets older? It’s not fair on either of you too have your in laws dominate your weekends. It’s important that DP and DS have a good relationship with his family but that cannot come at your expense or your sons expense. Put your foot down now and tell your DP enough is enough. Honestly unless I am missing something what a rubbish way too spend your Sunday’s when you could be going too play in the park in the summer or cuddling up watching family films on you’r own home in the winter. As for Christmas do what you want and if they don’t like it tough.

"To be fair, DP does ask me if it’s okay if we go round to their house but I feel like I need to say yes."

Why?

Tbh I think thhat he days of duty family visits are long gone.

I've never really got on with ILs, they're not nasty or anything, just very difficult to talk to about anything!

We'd sit reading papers & I did used to think what a bloody waste it was!

How do you know it is expected of you though? Maybe I am reading into things but it sounds like PIL are finding the visits a bit strained, as are you and the only person happy with the arrangement is your DP. Maybe take a leaf out of MIL's book in terms of honesty and next time DP asks if you want to go to PILs next Sunday, speak up and say you would prefer to go to the park, stay at home or whatever.

@DemolitionBarbie I really try to be more assertive but even DP acts like I’m being difficult when I do so. For example they have bought a forward facing car seat for DS from 9 months. I politely explained that I want to keep him rear facing for as long as possible as it’s a lot safer and DPs Mum just ignored me

I think you have a DP problem not a MIL problem.

He's not giving you enough respect. You should be a united front and he should care whether or not you enjoy going to PILs. I think you're resentful about going there but you should direct your annoyance to DP, not PIL.

Any lack of manners on your part OP pale into insignificance compared to the arrogance of people who think the lockdown rules don't apply to them. The whole family sound ignorant.