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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:

Original poster

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 11:29

@DemolitionBarbie I really try to be more assertive but even DP acts like I’m being difficult when I do so. For example they have bought a forward facing car seat for DS from 9 months. I politely explained that I want to keep him rear facing for as long as possible as it’s a lot safer and DPs Mum just ignored me

OP posts:

satnighttakeaway · 07/12/2020 11:29

@whitenoise123

We do live in England and even during the first lockdown I’m embarrassed to say we were breaking lockdown rules by going to see them as DP obviously couldn’t just not see them. Even though I didn’t see my own mum from March-July when I was pregnant

That's just ridiculous, of course he could just not see them, is he so ignorant of current affairs that he doesn't know that's what millions of us have done for months?

Easy for me to say but I'd have nothing to do with them and would give serious thought to having such a selfish partner, they all sound awful.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2020 11:30

Use this as an oppertunity to clear the air and set your own boundaries something like....Hi MIL thank you for the text ... I will reflect on it and try my best to improve things from my side.I feel sometimes you ...( what ever you want to say ,say it here, be frank be polite be honest) ... end it with something like ... going forward I really hope after this we have listened to each other and can both make changes to improve our relationship as it is very important to me that we all feel happy and comfortable and have the best relationship possible for al of us I look forward to seeing you soon

I love this; decent, honest and willing to meet her halfway without bending the knee

Marimaur · 07/12/2020 11:30

Personally, I would try improve the relationship. She has given you her reason for appearing frosty - it's her impression, regardless of your intention. I don't think you have to kiss her arse either. But you could treat this as a turning point for having a more honest and positive relationship.

Yohoheaveho · 07/12/2020 11:31

I have no idea what to do now going forward
Just ignore the fucking bitch, how dare she speak to you like that, telling you off like a child 🤬
Consider it a blessing that she hates you, wind her up as much as you can and perhaps she'll go away forever 👍

PatriciaPerch · 07/12/2020 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

burnoutbabe · 07/12/2020 11:31

see some families are 50 goodbyes. Me and my parents are one goodbye as we get into the car/a hug and then a wave when we leave the drive. My parents would drop us off at the train station, say goodbye and leave us to wait (after i quickly having checked train still running), his insist on sitting with us for 20 mins on platform when I just want to get a coffee/browse magazines, relax now.

So she may well think I am not saying goodbye Enough, where as I have said my goodbye. And these are people I see every few months, not every weekend! my goodbye then may be far more "ta ra" as I walked out the door.

nibdedibble · 07/12/2020 11:31

[quote whitenoise123]@MandosHatHair I don’t think they actually ask, I think they just expect us all to round for the day. They did come round to ours a few times when DS was newborn and DP cooked them nice meals. I think I’ll try to suggest that in future as it’s easier for me and I can get on with other things instead of just watching tv[/quote]
You have the perfect opportunity to say “I suppose this newborn thing takes more out of me than I’d thought, I didn’t mean to come across as ungrateful. How about we cook you lunch in return and we can go forward from there?’

Then you just have to deal with the usual DH problem, he probably doesn’t even notice if you’re doing all the caring and carrying or his parents aren’t being welcoming. Think many of us have dragged a dp across that hurdle.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/12/2020 11:32

But surely the carseat thing is easy swerved - when do they need their own carseat for him? Just use the one that you choose and buy.

Ragwort · 07/12/2020 11:32

Don't keep texting either pick up the phone or speak in person, or really there is no need to reply, your MIL has accepted the apology so no need to reply again.

You haven't answered as to why your DH can't go without you? As a new mum I was very happy when DH took our DS out as it gave me a chance to rest and do what I wanted.

Yohoheaveho · 07/12/2020 11:33

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I love this; decent, honest and willing to meet her halfway without bending the knee

Are you for real??? Are you really suggesting she prostrate herself before this bossy overbearing bitch! Fuck me ...grow a backbone

SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs · 07/12/2020 11:33

WOW, if my MIL sent a message like that to me I would be considering shutting her off completely. Your partner can visit if he wants but you don’t have to and it’s up to you whether you want a day on your own or with your baby. If you both work then it makes no sense to spend a whole day watching football at their house, when do you do family things?
She obviously makes no effort to make you feel welcome and has been outright rude to you by sending that message. She doesn’t respect you and you need to show her what her life would be like if she doesn’t make more effort. She is forgetting you are the gateway to her access to her grandchild...

Jakadaal · 07/12/2020 11:33

raspberrycoulis it was my perception from reading the OP just as it was your perception that the OP was rude....perception - the way something is regarded, understood or interpreted

iswhois · 07/12/2020 11:35

I don't know that she hates you I just think that you have got in a bit of a pickle over time. How long have you been together?

I know a lot of here say go NC at the slightest tiff with in laws but I do think it's best to try and have a good relationship all round.

Could you suggest that you and her meet up for a coffee/walk and a chat? Leaving your DS at home with DP. Just to clear the air up in person you will feel a lot better from it, and it's being the bigger person.

Going forward I would massively scale back on the visits- I love my ILs but wouldn't want to see them every week, I don't even want to spend that much time with my own parents!

Original poster

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 11:36

@Ragwort yes when DS was newborn DP would take him round sometimes to give me a break. But now it’s just expected that I go too. I just don’t know what’s going to happen regarding Christmas as I think they expected us to go there but now I don’t feel very welcome

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 07/12/2020 11:37

[quote whitenoise123]@GabriellaMontez yes DP always helps. He is a lovely person and does so much for us. It just feels like he would rather spend time with them instead of being with his new little family[/quote]
Start here. Have you told him this?

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 11:38

[quote whitenoise123]@DemolitionBarbie I really try to be more assertive but even DP acts like I’m being difficult when I do so. For example they have bought a forward facing car seat for DS from 9 months. I politely explained that I want to keep him rear facing for as long as possible as it’s a lot safer and DPs Mum just ignored me[/quote]
Is your partner unsupportive and undermining in other ways, too? Does he generally make you out to be a bad person?

PatriciaPerch · 07/12/2020 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeibaTree · 07/12/2020 11:39

[quote whitenoise123]@Brefugee I don’t know why we have to go there. We have sky at home so I have suggested they come round to ours on sundays so I can keep DS in his routine a bit more but DP always seems like he would rather go there instead. So it means I’m the carrying around his changing bag, play mat etc[/quote]
Sounds like you have bigger issues than your MiL - why is your DP putting his parents' wishes and comfort before yours and your sons?
For what it's worth though, I don't think you MiL's text was all that bad. If you don't thank her and say goodbye etc and it's been bothering her, then it's good that's out in the open I guess. It's hard to read tone over text though.

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 11:40

'Thats nice but we won't be using it. It's simply not as safe as our one'.

Stop with this inherent need to be nice, polite and quiet. Or just get the word DOORMAT tattooed to your head so everyone gets a clear message that you're quite happy to be walked all over. This whole thread started because you gave your MiL an open goal to give you a good kicking and you still can't muster up the balls to actually tell her what a shit hostess she's been in return, and how you'd rather spend your Sundays drilling a hole in your brain than watching anymore football, or hearing how Margaret down the road hasn't opened her bedroom curtains all week. Either get a grip and act like the adult you supposedly are, or put up with this forever more.

Horsemad · 07/12/2020 11:41

You need to grow a backbone OP, or this will be your life forever...

My MIL is of a similar mindset - it took a while but I eventually put my foot down & rarely see her and she lives in the same road as us! 😆

Come on, you're a Mum yourself now, time to take charge of your life.

fromthesamecloth · 07/12/2020 11:41

@CakeRequired What an unnecessary message. No need to call somebody a cow and warn that they’re going to end up alone because they’ve had a falling out with their MIL.

4amWitchingHour · 07/12/2020 11:43

[quote whitenoise123]@DemolitionBarbie I really try to be more assertive but even DP acts like I’m being difficult when I do so. For example they have bought a forward facing car seat for DS from 9 months. I politely explained that I want to keep him rear facing for as long as possible as it’s a lot safer and DPs Mum just ignored me[/quote]
Well this isn't good. He should respect your wants and needs even if he doesn't agree, and you find a compromise together. He also needs to prioritise his partner and child over his mother - he's being a shit dad and partner otherwise

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 11:43

I don't think it's about growing a backbone, but I think OP could possibly do with some counselling or simply talking to some other people about why her needs come last to her partner and his family, and why she has accepted that so far.

billy1966 · 07/12/2020 11:43

This is going to be your life, except it will only get a lot worse.

If you try to assert yourself you get bullied by your partner.

His mother ignores you.

Clearly your views and opinions don't count.

Spending all day sunday watching sport at his parents home sounds like hell but none of them care if that is what you want to do, least of all your partner.

If you don't assert yourself and start behaving as if you will not accept their treatment of you, you are in for one long miserable life.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.
Do you have a job or are you very vulnerable?

If they give you grief, pack up and go to your parents to stay.
Do not accept being bullied.

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